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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not giving my DS's friend an ice cream after he didn't even try his dinner?

294 replies

whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 20:33

My DS's best friend from school came over to play and for tea today. I dread it when he does as he is such a handful, climbs on everything, pretty rude and just doesn't listen, drives me mad....today I stopped him opening the cupboards in the kitchen right in front of me and asked what he was doing - "looking for a snack" came the reply . I said I would cook dinner - did he like rice - no. OK - do you like pasta - yes. Do you like sausages? Yes. So I made sausage pasta.

Once on the table I get "I don't like it" and he refused to even try a piece of sausage. I am pretty strict with my DC's eating their dinner before being allowed dessert - if they don't eat enough of their main meal they don't get one and they don't get any other food before bed - pretty simple and effective for us. My DC's both ate their meals, encouraged by the temptation of ice cream to follow. But DS's friend did not eat anything at all. I was left wondering if it was cruel/not my place to refuse the friend an ice cream, but feeling that it was unfair and a bad example to set my DC's to give him one after they did as they were asked.

Luckily the friend's mum turned up to collect him and in all the fuss the ice creams were momentarily forgotten so I dodged the issue, but AIBU to not want to give him an ice cream?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 20/07/2010 20:57

i don't know really.. i;m vegetarian so what would i know? lol

i guess i just think of sausages going with gravy and mash and pasta going with tomato sauce

it sounds like exactly the kind of thing my dp would like tho

secunda · 20/07/2010 20:58

YANBU he wouldn't have got any ice cream from me, especially as you asked whether he liked sausage pasta before you cooked it.

To all those saying yabu, would you let your kid eat ice cream if they refused their main meal?

LadySanders · 20/07/2010 20:58

yes, fine, but kids have to learn that different people have different rules. there are all sorts of minor things which other parents allow and i don't, or which i allow and other parents don't. it's not as if the OP started a huge row with him and locked him in the cellar is it?

undercovamutha · 20/07/2010 20:59

I think 4/5 is quite young to be strict with a child on a playdate.

My DD (nearly 4) goes a bit barmy on playdates. She gets overexcited and has been known to wet herself/have pointless squabbles with so-called best friend/refuse to share etc etc. She is normally a lovely friendly girl, but I think 4 is still young to go to someone else's house and 'live' by their rules.

I definitely would have given the boy an icecream if I had decided to give mine one, however if none of them had eaten their dinner, I probably would have said they could all have had some fruit instead.

If he was a lot older, and was just being rude/cheeky, it may have been appropriate to be as strict. But not with a 4yo imo.

Eglu · 20/07/2010 20:59

YANBU. I think he could have taken a bite. It's not like you said he needed to eat all of it, or a decent amount. I think a child of that age could at least taste it.

BrownPaperandString · 20/07/2010 21:02

The sausage pasta sounds yummy and my two love it. It is far from a dodgy potentially offensive dish and anyone that says it is...

So if the friend doesn't like foods mixed with sauce then that would be a helpful thing for the mother to pass on before he comes round??

Fruit & yoghurt are puddings.

ThursdayNext · 20/07/2010 21:02

BrownPaperandString, my strategy for this is to rarely have pudding other than yoghurt and fruit, occasionally fruit crumble or rice pudding in winter. If they don't eat dinner they can always have bread, yoghurt and fruit. If they are having sweet stuff I usually give it as a snack straight after school.

undercovamutha · 20/07/2010 21:02

Secunda - I generally wouldn't let my child have icecream if she hadn't eaten her dinner (although it is mostly fruit here for dessert). BUT if I felt that the situation she was in may have put her a bit 'out of sorts', I may have been a bit less strict.

For example, I sometimes am more flexible if we have gone out for a meal, and she has sat nicely, even if she hasn't eaten much of her meal.

And FWIW, my DD's favourite meal is sausage pasta!

sam84uk · 20/07/2010 21:04

i agree with the op. If her own children couldn't have their dessert without eating their meal first than why should the other child? It wouldn't have been fair on her own children.

Bonsoir · 20/07/2010 21:04

I never, ever insist on visiting children eating anything, let alone sausage pasta! What is that?

BrownPaperandString · 20/07/2010 21:04

Hi Thursday - my two eat stacks of fruit and love it and as yoghurt is about 20% sugar, that's pretty sweet! Those are as big a pull as an apple crumble and like you, we rarely rarely have 'proper' pudding.

We usually go for plain greek yoghurt but still DD would rather eat just that given half the chance.

LadySanders · 20/07/2010 21:06

OP didn't INSIST the child ate anything.

Original poster
whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 21:06

The sausage pasta is usually a surefire winner with most kids and I cook for quite a few different ones, pretty often. There are some that will pick the broccoli out, some (my DD) that leave the sausage and eat the rest, but most will certainly manage pasta in tomato sauce!

I understand that often kids get excited and don't eat much at friends' houses but not even trying a bite really got my back up, particularly after all the usual behaviour preceding it...if he had tried a bit of dinner I wouldn't have thought twice about ice cream for him.

As brownpaperandstring asks, how do those not offering dessert as a reward/bribe manage to get their kids to eat a decent amount of good, healthy food? I don't like it either and mine eat pretty well but they find the process boring. They would, given half a chance, move immediately to the dessert. I don't think I am being controlling, I don't give them food they don't like, nor do I insist on clean plates....

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 20/07/2010 21:06

i think it depends whow well you know him. If you've always known his mum, and he's spent a lot of time at your house, YNBU.

If it was only the 2nd time he's been to tea, then YABU.

You do realise he will have gone home starving, and told his mum you didn't feed him at all!

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 20/07/2010 21:07

If you offer delicious, healthy food, especially food made with a degree of participation from DCs (growing, shopping, inventing recipes, asking likes/dislikes, menu planning, prep/cooking, etc), your kids will eat it because it's yummy (unless there are underlying ishoos).

We have pudding sometimes, sometimes we don't. DCs eat a little of it. Never gorge on it. It was never made into a prize so it remains a non-issue.

Obviously I encourage DCs to just try a little of new foods. Rule = try it, if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it.

However - if you don't like it, you'll be slightly hungry until morning. Amazing what that can do to an episode of strop/food fussiness.

usualsuspect · 20/07/2010 21:07

So in theory ..op would have let the visiting child sit and watch the ops children eating ice cream ..

NothingTraLaLa · 20/07/2010 21:08

Sausage pasta. Sounds good to me.

Mind you, like FiveGoMad, my DD will only eat food if it is served separately and not mixed together, so would have refused to eat it.

grapesandmoregrapes · 20/07/2010 21:08

Its not a bribe!! Its an assumption that it someone can't eat there dinner then they are obviously full, and therefore won't have room for pudding. If my DC don't eat then I take it to mean they are not hungry, they don't get offered something sweet instead, thats ridiculous!!

DaydreamDolly · 20/07/2010 21:08

YABU. He was being asked to eat food he wasn't familiar with and he's only 4. It's not your place to discipline him with regards to his eating.
Totally up to you to do whatever you think is right with your DC's but what do you care if he only has icecream for tea? Just let his mother know and she can deal with it.

smokinaces · 20/07/2010 21:08

See if my son was on a playdate and asked if he ate sausages and pasta he would say yes. He likes plain sausages on a plate with plain pasta and some veg on the side. If he was given a plate of fried sausage in a pasta sauce he would refuse. Technically he said he liked sausages and pasta - he wasnt expecting them to come out like that I guess.

I dont let my children have pudding unless they have eaten some main - but I am more flexible with guests, just like I am more flexible with my kids at parties.

IMO YABU to have not let him have an ice cream.

LynetteScavo · 20/07/2010 21:09

Ah, yes, you mixed it with pasta sauce.

DS2 would rather starve than eat pasta sauce.

And if you didn't offer him ice cream he would never come to your house again. Job done!

Original poster
whoopdeedoo · 20/07/2010 21:09

I told his mum he didn't eat any dinner at all, even though he had said he liked sausage...she rolled her eyes and said she expected it wasn't presented exactly as he likes it - exasperated with him rather than me to be clear!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/07/2010 21:10

way harsh IMO, he is not even 5 yet!

PeasPlease · 20/07/2010 21:11

Sausage pasta is a massive winner here too (minus the broccoli though). I can't believe it is so unpopular!

crikeybadger · 20/07/2010 21:12

how bizarre, I had veggie sausage pasta for my supper (slightly arrabiata don't you know) and i've just had a huge bowl of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Yum