To think the school are being arses?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

Stay it wasn;t ideal no but it needed to be done. And bedtime is still a battle...

I have really tried not to add any more onto this thread (because I have to say I believe it to be a waste of time trying to engage and it is frustrating) but I totally agree with you StayFrosty about the cutting his hair in his sleep!

Honestly, this is awful. The truth of this whole sorry mess is that the OP's son feels out-of-control in some way, clearly, the discipline is new to him and he is struggling against it. Instead of dealing with that problem, the OP takes even more control from him and CUTS HIS HAIR IN HIS SLEEP What does this teach him?

I have just read through this whole thread.

I am very struck by the fact that nowhere, not once, does the OP says she loves her son and is scared and worried for his future.

Do you really love your son op?

I am quite envious of you being able to have every single weekend off from your son, plus time in the week. Just an eighth of such support would be grand. I haven't had the luxury of any ounce of family support whatsoever for the last two and a half years. My son is nearly 3 now.

But then, if he was away every weekend I think it pretty certain that I would barely know him, especially after the years and years of it like you have had.

What do you do at weekends? Do you manage to go out a bit with friends - who looks after your other child?

Here is your OP:
"For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs "

Your tone changed markedly as the thread has progressed, can you see?

LOL, the op can't do right for doing wrong.

Posters tell her she must cut her DS's hair, even if she needs to do it in his sleep.

Posters tell her she needs to take control of him.

When she does cut his hair in his sleep, it's again the wrong thing to do, and she is taking control away from him.

Sheesh!

yourself.

You see this is what I said isn't it. I took the advice on here about cut his hair even if it is in his sleep and I am wrong lol..

I do go out very rarely - once a month - with friends DS1 and DS2 are looked after by DP on these rare nights.

I get most weekends off hmmm no not really I get friday evening and saturday as a break from ds1. I am still caring for DS2 and often spend the day with DS1, DS2, mum, sister, and nephews just at the end of it DS1 goes back to nannys and I come home.

whoever asked if i love him yes and i have said it in previous threads I do not need to prove i love him to people on here he knows he is loved and that is the most important thing.

Do i like his behaviour ? no not really
Am I worried about his future ? yes hence the reason I am trying to help change it.

and for the record discipline is not a new thing in his life from me I have always had boundaries for him and he has always been punished when he did something wrong.

Did someone actually say "Cut your child's hair while he is asleep"?

Because that is spectacularly bad advice. How does that solve

a) the fact that he is bucking against a school rule - which in fairness to him was broken by his uncle cutting his hair badly - and then refusing to toe the line when his mum told him to? She then cuts his hair while he is unconcious - seriously, what lesson has been learned here? Don't go to fucking sleep, I would imagine.

b) I would imagine there is a lack of trust between OP and DS, this will help a BUNCH.

How old is ds2? Does he wonder why he doesn't go to his nan's four nights a week?

Mumsnet is not a homogeneous mass, different posters will give different opinions/advice and they will often be in conflict.

How did he take having his hair cut while he slept, TLES?

I just CANNOT believe that of all the excellent advice you have had from people on this site over the years the only bit you take is someone's (presumably) tongue-in-cheek response suggesting you cut your son'd hair while he is asleep!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I know that is too many exclamation marks but I am stunned.

TLES I have read your threads for years, and spent considerable time and effort posting, as have others, all to no avail. I really hope this is a wind up and you will come back and say you were joking.

I really don't want to waste any more time on you at all but I am just so worried about your son.

I trimmed it thats all a trim to tidy it up.

It needed doing and I had warned him I would do it.

at the end of the day I did what had to be done by the only means i could. please or offend anyone I had to do it.

There are trust issues from me towards DS because of his light fingeredness. I don't trust him because he lies over everything.

There are no reasons for anyone to be worried or concerned for DSs safety, well being or anything else. He is well cared for, loved, looked after, not beaten or abused. Yes we do at times have a very strained relationship BUT we are working on it.

Seems to me that things are never going to get better as long as he thinks he can just go to your Mums and be spoiled. If she didn't support the CAHMs thing, I suspect all your hard work over the week is being undone every weekend. If there's one thing you can actively do to make things better, its stop him spending half his time there. Yes, he'll wail and moan, yes, he may do it for 6 months or even a year, but its for his good and for that of your whole family. I keep repeating this - you are the parent, not your son, and you need to step up a bit more on this.

I am not concerned for his safety or well being as such. Unlike some I can see the love you have for each other in this and past threads.

I am worried that as he ( naturally) exerts more autonomy throughout adolescence he will become lost and unhappy as the boundaries, such as they are, loosen. I have an image in my mind of a bright young man without qualifications dropping out of society including his family. I suspect he will not be happy.

Evening, you do need to pick your battles but once a battle has started however minor you must achieve your goal using both discipline and mutual respect.

agree with BOM - essentially you've delegated half the parenting to your mum and made him see you as bad cop to her good. It isn't any wonder where he opts to be and why he resents your attempts at authority. iirc you have even in recent years treated him as an equal rather than parent-child - lots of choice, freedom, material possessions etc, sounds idyllic - but in return he has threatened you and been very destructive. He is sabotaging his own future by his behaviour, and yours, dp's and his younger brothers, and may not know how otherwise to control himself and situations in which he finds himself - which is where it is up to you, school, CAHMS etc. One incident alone even if a trigger, isn't likely to have brought you to this point, after all there have been 5+ years since in which to redress the balance.

Just re read my super patronising post (it was well intentioned I promise) and thought I would tell I am exhausted after row with 14 year old with ADHD about him trying to avoid breakfast before school! He did eat an apple in the end but the mutual respect bit left a little to be desired...!