To think the school are being arses?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

TLES, I don't think having different rules at his gran's should be a problem, as long as you are consistent about the rules when he's with you. Children do get spoiled by extended family and this doesn't usually cause problems. It is fine to tell a child perfectly openly that "at home we have a 9 o'clock bedtime, but of course when we're visiting we'll adapt to other people". That way, it is still you being ultimately in charge. He will have his chocolate and go to bed when granny lets him because you have told him that's what you want. At home, different rules apply and once again, you are in charge of those. About the school, most of them time, backing them up will make you seem stronger.

What matters is that he knows that once you have told him to do something you will not back down. That is why the whole idea of trying to bribe him out of a tantrum is worrying- it has nothing to do with picking your battles, but is a clear sign to him that you do not have authority. You need to fake that authority.

I appreciate that it's difficult, particularly as he may well have SN, but it is important that you do not come across as inconsistent and vacillating. Having different rules at his gran's is not inconsistent, any more than having to follow school rules whilst at school. It's about how you explain it to him.

fair enough, giddy, that's a good point

Since he was a baby he has stayed with mum (and dad when he was alive) every week Friday to Sunday. This started when i split with his father and that was the only way his father would see him. he would collect him from my mums.

10yrs on he still stays most friday-sundays and a night in the week.
When my dad died DS stayed with mum for 6 weeks solid tbh i am unsure how that happened but it did and eventually I moved back home for a year because Mum was so needy at the time.

The boundaries are in place and stuck to by me, I did try to bribe him yesterday as I just wanted the hair cut as it turned out it didn't work and when he was asleep I took a pair of scissors and trimmed it...ok that was not ideal but it got the job done.

DS was totally spoilt/indulged by family because of the way his father treated him. When I stopped the visits the behaviours he displays were set in stone so to speak.

Through talking to the network of people involved now I have a greater understanding of SOME of his behaviours and others are still unexplained.

The school described him as being emotionally flat- he can discuss the weather and a disaster in the same tone and emotion iyswim?

Giddy, if i am honest about mums support well it varies. One day she is all for the help i am getting others she is telling me that by asking for this help I am ruining his chances of a "normal" life.
She switches between "his behaviour is not normal" to "Its just a phase and he will grow out of it"

So some days she is very supportive others she isn't.

There was talk of DS going to live with her for a few months then she told me she would not continue the CAMHS so i couldn't let it happen.

Sorry for delay in replying was having new cooker installed.

I'm sure you benefit from a regular break but perhasp you need to shift the balance a little . By the sounds of it some weeks he may be spending more time subject to your mother's, more relaxed, "rules" than yours, perhaps taking that for granted as the norm and thereby making home feel a more oppressive place to be. Maybe it is time that his overnight visits become a privilege, for good behaviour, rather than his right iyswim?

So he spends four nights with his gran and three with you?

Maybe he feels pushed out as presumably ds2 spends 7 nights with you?

Stay i am a parent you are right and I do parent my child. Yes he saw the news as a young child and took things in, I never told him about violence he witnessed it - there is a difference.
Death - again he was aware that his Grandad who he spent so much time with was ill. he knew he was in hospital and I had no choice when i visited my dad but to have him with me there was nobody to leave him with - even the night he died. Now the proffessionals in his life have said this helped him to deal with things rather than not. I think I will take their advice tbh.

I am not blaming anyone I explained that I am the one with the rules which he fights against and even more so when he has been to my mums. I didn't say it was her fault but when she doesn't stick to my rules it doesn't help.

The people involved to help me and ds know everything he witnessed and the only thing they have said that has had a lasting affect is the DV. They explained it clearly and it makes sense to some degree and for some of the behaviours - these are the ones easy to deal with now. However there has been many discussions about other behaviours which have no explanation and these are the concerning ones which have led them to believe there is something else much deeper or rather that he may have ASD. I have asked GP's to have him assessed since he was about 4yrs old.

It is easy to form an opinion by someones style of writing, the thing is i don't come on here and vent when I am calm and collective i come on when i am frustrated, pissed off and tired. If i were then things would not come across the way they do and you would have a differnt opinion. The whole point of me venting on here is that it then doesn't affect either DS1 or DS2 by me being upset etc around them.

I really wish I had not posted when I was in such a mood but hell thats what I have done, and normally the more major issues than the minor ones.

Compo he has always spent the same amount of time there, he asks to go if he hasn't been so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place if that is the reason really.

If I were to say no he would be hard to deal with, if i say yes - and he does feel pushed out - then I am feeding this feeling.

That is something that has never changed he has always had the same time with his nan, and in fact is the only one out of 4 grandchildren to stay with her.

I'd stop sending him to Gran's every weekend. Why does he need to go? Sorry, but you seem to take very little responsibility for this child, and just give lists of excuses for why you can't change things. Maybe you should stop posting when you're pissed off, and only post when you actually want help.

Chickens, he goes because he wants to and its what has always happened.
I take responsibility for him thanks. He goes to my mums just as i used to with my nan and grandad - doesn't mean my parents did not take responsibility for me.

I know my faults and where i went wrong I cannot change the past but i can and am doing my best to change the way things are atm mapped out for the future.

Since when does anyone on here post only when they are not pissed off???

If you think part of the problem is him being spoiled by Gran, why wouldn't you cut down the amount of time he spends there?

Because it doesn't make any difference tbh.
He is worse when he comes back from Grans but he is just as awkward if i stop him going and tbh it is easier and more importantly gives me a break.

Whether anyone likes it or not I am just a human and need a break sometimes.

~This weekend gone he didn't go friday as we went out Saturday, he went Sunday and came home Monday after being sent home from school.

How do you know it makes no difference? Have you stopped him staying for say, a month? Maybe limit it to one night a week? And everyone needs a break sometimes, but every weekend for three nights? Resolving this will involve trying a bit harder (and I do know how hard it can be).

Stay i do think the school over reacted sending him home and telling me to keep him there yet when i asked for work to be sent home, because they could hear him in the background, they asked for me to send him in to school today. I was supporting the school.

If they had wanted to keep him there and put him in the unit/torr then fine but to send him home so he misses a day of school (regardless of what work they were or weren't doing) seems pointless to then want him back the next day with the same hairstyle albeit I trimmed the top when he was asleep.

If i had kept him off in the same way they would have been on my back.

Chickens, there was a period of 6m where he wasn't able to stay because my disabled brother had moved in with mum and there wasn't room so yes I do know that it makes no difference.

The one thing i have always instilled in him is to respect others the way you want to be respected. Which up until recently he has always done...with everyone else.

"and tbh it is easier and more importantly gives me a break."

But he's at school 5 days a week and then spends 3-4 nights inc weekends at your mums so you actually spend little time with him.

You dont have to stop the visits perhaps just limit them, get your mum to say she has a new hobby or something and that she can only do one weekend once a month.

He'll grow to resent his younger sibling if he doesnt already.

Just while people are replying on here does anyone know how to remove lipstick from a wall? yes i know it is totally unrelated.

LadyEvenstar.

I understand that you are tired and worn out. We can all sympathise with that as parents.

But, TBH, having seen more and more of your posts over the years, I along with many many others on this thread can see a clear pattern:

You rail against authority in some way shape or form, finding reasons why its silly, petty, inconsistent etc.

Your son then rails against your authority because he sees from the above that its OK to not always respect it.

You get worn out and tired, and opt out of parenting (which, if I'm honest, is what you're doing by allowing him to rule the roost and chose how/where he lives)

He learns that his bad behaviour gets him what he wants

He then flaunts some more rules, leading back to the start of the cycle again.

Seeing a pattern? You are the parent, you need to take responsibility for it and start behaving like one, not like his mate or part-time roomie.