To think the school are being arses?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

Your anger is misdirected - save it for your ds and whoever encouraged him and did the cut(bil ?). It could so easily have waited for the holidays when he would have 6 weeks for it to grow back to an acceptable shape. Presumably the last cut was at half term so maybe it had grown back a little for school.

However it is hardly any wonder he disrespects authority, SN ro not, when you don't set the example. You need to rein in your defensive streak with which you challenge the school. In asking him to get it cut you are half way there but it needs carrying through. Deflecting the issue to others who do same is a red herring, would you apply the same logic to piercings, vandalism, petty theft etc ?

I can to some extent understand your situation. I have two children who have at times displayed quite challenging (=physically violent) behaviour at home (though thankfully not at school) and there have certainly been times when I have wondered if I was physically going to be able to handle them. I have also had good reason to believe that there were other reasons than mere naughtiness or poor parenting involved. And for some bizarre reason my ds also seems to feel that his identity is tied up with his hair.

These are things that have worked for me:

told ds from the outset that while I don't mind about his hairstyle (below shoulder length), there is a chance that the school will one day decide that they do and that if this happens, then I will be backing the school

made it very clear to dcs that I am not interested in what other children get away with- if they get told off, I am not going to want to hear about some other child who happened to elude the teacher's vigilance (one of my mantras over the years is "well I am not parenting

picked my battles carefully- but only before I engage: once I have told them that something has to be done I do not back down. This is precisely what picking battles means: you do not engage in an argument if you do not intend to win, but once you are in, you have to see it through

never offered bribes- bribes are the opposite of picking your battles!

told them quite frankly (as seeker suggested in an earlier post) that though I may not always agree with the school, I will support their authority unless they are seriously in the wrong

In the present case, I think what I would have done would have been to have made BIL come over and sort out the haircut. The TORR is not really a good solution as that just enables him to keep his haircut and feel like a hard case: it damages you far more than it damages him.

To be honest, it sounds like the school have decided to take over your responsibilities for parenting. I would place money on the fact that he will come home from school tomorrow and agree to have his hair cut. They haven't "backed down" they have stepped up realising that you aren't up to enforcing the discipline at the moment.

Why can your DP not take him to the barbers if you physcially cant?

I did not relaise that there are issues which suspect you and others to believe he may have and ASD - hopefully you can get this cleared up as quickly as possible because that will inform you as to how best he can be handled.

I agree - your BIL was really out of order to give him such a haircut and send him straight to school. What an idiot. Did your DS gee him up to it, do you think?

I am "up to enforcing discipline"

I was keeping him off until he agreed to have his hair cut or it grew out.
I was sticking to the rules.

I am not going over it all again, I have said time and again i do not agree with him but i am worn out.

DP was working so was hardly a time to "bollock" ds1/

Blu, bil is someone who will time and again do things to make the kids happy. He feels bad as he did not realise he would be in trouble when he went to school.

DN is in primary and has same hairstyle and there has been no problem with it so i guess he thought it would be same

To be frank TLES if I phoned a home and heard an 11 year old child having a screaming tantrum about having his haircut, I would assume the parent was struggling to enforce discipline. If the school are involved in his behaviour management then I stand by the assertion that they have decided to help you and take this particular issue out of your hands.

It really doesn't seem like it les (ie enforcing discipline) like other posters if i were teaching your diffcult ds and I had the same sort of responses you are offering you would be one of the parents discussed in the staffroom - don't bother ringing them - ineffectual or worse. You can - you really can, be a positive force in your son's life - or you can let an 11 yo dictate whether or not he has his hair cut, and all sorts of other issues, and come crying to the Y10/11 office when he's totally out of control, being physically violent to you when you don't give him his own way and he's on course for 0 GCSE's.
The reson I have bothered posting (after a long day at work teaching "challenging" teenagers in a "challenging" school is because, like many other posters - I care deeply, passionately about every kid having a sporting chance in life, and right now you are not giving your lad that. There are 3 or 4 lads like yours in my current Y7 group, ineffectually parented and getting more and more out of control by the day. Do it now - step up to the challenge, and be a parent not his mate, not a pal, but in charge and give your kid the chance to succeed at school.

I wish you were able to hear what the staff do say, they are in constat contact with me and we have some very lengthy discussions about DS. I am not a slack parent. The school know he has behavioural issues and are working with me along side me and vice versa.
They have phoned me in the past when DS was not listening to a member of staff for me to deal with him as they didn't know what to do.

I am not getting into this again, as it is repetitive of me telling you all yes in the past i have made mistakes just as all humans do but I am doing my best with DS and am also getting help in many aspects.

There are other issues surrounding DS1 that are being worked on and as i have already stated he is being assessed.

Until such a time as the proffessionals tell me this is soley down to my parenting and nothing else I will just follow the advice given. which is what i am doing.

TheLadyEvenstar you have quoted the school rules (which are actual code of conduct) amd say they mention nothing of haircuts.

However there is usually a separate uniform policy and the rules you quoted mentioned wearing full school uniform. I bet if you look at the uniform policy it mentions hairstyles.

Code of conduct is how to behave in and out of school, not the school rules as such.

Try the school website, you may find the full rules, and uniform policy, on there.

Yes, but I think you may have misunderstood some of the advice. Picking your battles is not the same as climbing down mid-tantrum or trying to bribe a tantrumming child, and this was almost certainly not what the professionals had in mind: in fact, it could be argued that the two approaches are diametrically opposite. The point with the "picking your battles" approach is that you should only start battles that you intend to win.

goodness cant beleive how this thread has gone on!

I am just damn pleased that at my DDs school they dont give a flying twat about what the children wear or how they do their hair. More interested in teaching them stuff...

Dandy i was speaking to one of them during the tantrum and he is going to discuss further with me on Wednesday when we have our next meeting.

Dandy that was something i was trying to get across earlier. I have a large network of people to talk to now

yes thanks

Kids have to learn that rules are rules, if you dont like it find a school which never enforces rules - bet you would have far more to complain about in a school like that. YABU

TLES, we've been here before (it's lou031205 namechanged). I know this thread appears hostile. I know it seems as if we are all saying you're crap. But it really isn't that. It is a concern that you have got snippets of ideas of parenting techniques, but no-one's explained the foundation of them.

Cory is exactly right - you pick your battles. Even if you realise part way through that it was a dodgy 'pick', you keep going, because the biggest lesson for your DS is 'Mum's in charge'.

Believe me, your DS DOESN'T want to be in charge. He wants someone to give him boundaries to make him feel safe. But every time he rebels he learns that he was up against a paper wall. Push hard enough and it crumples. No safety. Poor child.

You CAN turn this around. But not without tears.

I think the long and short of it is the school have rules and everyone has to stick to them.

Summer holidays are the time to have cool hair styles.

just saying one thing and that will be it on this thread,

DS has always had boundaries and always has had. His behaviour has never been ideal and at times I have given in to him for a peaceful life.
He also spent time with other family members his sperm donor included (no i don't say that to DS).
If and even now I say no to something DS will kick and scream, I am not the one who backs down to him it is others in the family, my mum, sister, bil, my dad before he died, and sometimes dp.

For example I have always had a no sweet rule as after eating sweets DS becomes hard to manage - but when he is with my mum she allows him to have sweets and chocolate.
I have a 9pm bedtime rule - at my mums well he goes to bed later and is that in a shitty mood when he comes home.

These are no excuses but i am not going to stop him seeing his gran I just have to get her on board as well.

I trimmed his hair down a bit while he was asleep and before he went to school this morning i had ww20000 but he has gone to school looking ok.

Runaway hence the reason I had told him to wait to have it cut.