To think the school are being arses?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

For the last 6 weeks DS1 has had a mohican (sp) yesterday my bil thinned the sides out as ds1's hair is very thick and curly.

Now I have not seen his hair today as he stayed with my mum last night, but at 8.30 the school phoned to say he was on his way home for having an inappropriate hair cut which they feel will affect his learning ????????

How the hell can a haircut affect learning ffs

TLES your DS1s behaviour on your trip out was totally nacceptable. Why on earth did you carry on with that? Buying him things so he could whinge and criticise? Talk about him seeking negative attention, he got it in spades there and you reinforced all his behaviours while you were at it.

It isn't what you say that speaks loudest to him - it's what you do. Or, more relevant to your situation, what you don't do.

If you can't get his hair cut at 11 then he's on track to be a bloody nightmare at 14, as so many other posters have said. You need to look at your boundaries with him. Not the school's, not other people's - yours

Acanthus, I was not going to get the rest of us a drink etc without him.

Its not that I do not enforce boundaries etc because I do which is why he constantly battles me - I am the only one who does.

The school do need to stick to their rules etc and not call me to deal with him when they have him there.

but do you not think that may be why he prefers to go to your mum's given the choice ? He doesn't have to obey your rules there and her permissive attitude undermines his perception of you as an authority figure. You then reinforce this by allowing him to opt out of your control and so it goes on.

The school probably phone you to preempt any confrontation if they act alone and you disagree. If they were more confident that you would back them up they may be less inclined plus they know you are not with your ds each day to keep tabs on his behaviour and respond to any written communication.

I assume you work (unless your DP earns enough to support two households) so could you take a few days off but leave the little one in childcare and spend soe time with just you and DS? He appears to enjoy many activities so perhaps you could do some of those together. Make it clear that if he misbehaves then there is no going out with DP or going to his grans.

Like other posters, I would definately cut down the amount of time he spends away from home so that his discipline is consistent.

As for the wii incident, I would have sold it to pay for the damage and not let him on it again given its not a one off incident re bad behaviour.

LIZS it was me who made first contact with the school the only time I was ever confrontational with a school was his previous secondary when they told me it was better for me to find him a new school this was rather than them deal with the child who had a knife in school and slashed DS's bag.

Other than that I have arranged meetings with this school to work together to get his behaviour sorted out in school.

The reason they phoned me was because DS was laughing at a teacher when she was telling him off and she called asking me to talk to him. At which point I told him off and told him he would not be going on the computer that night. The school know more than enough that I am 10000% behind them with their punishments and when they said the dententions were not working I said well make it a saturday one that is where you will get a reaction from him or suspend him. Because I know these are the things that would get to him.... not a detention after school when he doesn't go out iyswim?

I also told them if he was talking in class and not listening then to remove him from the class. When they said his work was not being completed I asked them to drop him down a set to teach him. None of these have happened.

Happy the Wii is not his it is a family thing.

I do not work, DP and I do not live together - i pay my bills etc and he his.

We did live together for a while but now we live apart and have done for about a year.

I am at home to be with the DS's and this is fine. DS1 does enjoy a few activities as long as they are on his terms.

It is not about spending time with me tbh because he can and we do but he openly says he doesnt want to go out with me. I have walked that path many times and made a lot of plans/arrangemnts/left ds2 with others to spend time with ds1 going places and we never get anywhere because he will walk away, sulk, cry, tantrum etc before we get to the end of the road and run off back home...and no i don't tell him what we are doing he has a choice on where we go.

On a tangent then, your call him your DP, have a child together and he is regularly at your house so if you are claiming as a lone parent you may be in breach of that. You dont want to compound issues by being subject to an investigation and either having to pay lots back or be forced to forfeit your benefits as you are clearly a couple.

If your DS does not enjoy spending time with you then you need to work on that all the more. Yes you have to discipline but you also need a good basic relationship to pull you through when the going gets tough. Have you asked him why he prefers to go out with others?

Happy I do not claim as a single parent I recieve incapcity benefit (although the name has changed). I do not live with him and therefore am not breaking any laws, I receive ctc for DS1 and DP pays mantainence for DS2.

He doesn't stay all the time a few nights a week but does visit when he is not working a late shift.

Herbie, he has a choice on where we go when it is he and I going out. not on all days out.

Yes in a way it is his choice to go to his nanas but is also my choice if i say no then he doesn't go and i deal with the aftermath of it.

He didn't have a choice to have his hair cut, I tried to make him understand he was not able to go to school like it and he had a meltdown. I tried to reason with him on a level.

but it seems clear that his behaviour is worse after a visit to your mum's, both towards you and at school. You pay the price whether by denying the opportunity or letting him and are in danger of seeing allowing this as an easy way out however short term the benefit to you and ds2.

ds1 is too young yet to fully appreciate the consequences of late nights, sweets, snack etc especially on an accumulative basis which is why you need to be able to control such triggers when it matters most. It may make only a small difference but until you try you won't know. Perhaps from next term limit it to evenings when he doesn't have school next day ?

Stay, the reason I said those things is because they were telling me in a meeting that all the dententions and TORR visits were not having any effect. They also said they had threatened to drop him a set and suspend him if it continued so i said
"you need to carry it through, he already has so little disregard for authority that unless you follow it up he will just not believe you".

It was not just a whim of mine.

The school were asking me what would work and I was trying to get them to understand that an empty threat with DS doesn't work.

Lizs I did explain earlier that for a while think it was about 6m he couldn't stay at all and his behaviour at home didn't change any thats not to say I won't try again come september.

Herbie in school it is minor things such as hmm say fiddling with his shoes instead of working, reading a book instead of extending the piece of work he has done...he has only ever to the best of my knowledge caused a major disruption in class or rather been part of it when he got involved in a fight in which the teacher admitted DS was goaded through a lesson and eventually snapped.

Dandy i did sorry for not replying I am going shopping soon and will get one..i have a lovely lipstick painted wall @ ds2

Stay,

When I get a call I always always give him a consequence. Whether it be to sit in his room until dinner then bath and back to his room until bed - but i have tbh this feels like he is under house arrest - i do still carry it out.
He is meant to be going fishing at the weekend but he is not going.

Herbie, yes i know that and I am always telling him to buck his ideas up

Herbie he isn't going tonight he is straight home from school this week.

My kids school says no "crew cuts" and no "braids" in their school rules...

I've always been a little concerned that "No Braids" might be interpreted as racist?

Is it possible your son could have the Mohican part of the haircut a little shorter - to blend better with the sides - without loosing his "cut" altogether? then he can grow it a little again during the hols.

What a shame he didn't leave the trim until the school hols had begun!

Multi, i did trim it last night when he was sleeping lol i can tell you that was fun.
I agree he should have waited but whats done is done.