to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

I posted on the first page and how now come back and read the subsequent 9 pages. There is a bit of a drip feed going on by the OP, I think she's had trouble really verbalising what aspect of her mother's role as grandparent she is finding lacking.

I can kind of see where she is coming from about the Friday night thing - yes, initially it was probably a major favour that was recognised as such but since then she's had another child, the going out thing has become redundant due to the fact that her mum will only have one not the other (her choice, so fine) and its really the Grandma who is keen to keep this arrangement rather than the OP. So whilst it still counts as help, the OP would probably trade it in a second for the kind of help that may earn much less "brownie points" but go a lot further to making her day to day life easier.

I have to admit, if you were trying to finish a meal with a fussing child and your mum was sat there finished, just watching you struggle, that could be irritating, even if its irrational to be irritated by it. I have no idea how the OP handled it though. If it were me, I'd say "Hey, Ma, you wouldn't mind having DS while I just finish this would you, then I'll grab him back". And, to be honest, if she said "Um, no, I'm fine thanks", well, whilst she is in no way obliged, I suppose, I'd be pretty miffed on behalf of DS if nothing else - what kind of message would it send? But its hard to know exactly whether the OP asked politely for help or just sat there bristling.

It sounds like the OP wants help in reasonably small and low impact ways, as opposed to actual childcare, but is possibly not that great at making it happen without rubbing her slightly oblivious mother up the wrong way. That's how I'm interpreting it.

As for the community raising a child - its a lovely idealistic theory but these boards are riddled with stories of mothers who go spare if anyone dares to tell of their child, people not wanting someone to take a photo with their child in the background, a mother in law who hands a child a biscuit and doesn't see what the problem is, giving them the wrong toy to play with, they can't win! They are probably too scared to offer help. I dont mean in the case of the OP so much as generally - if anyone wants that caring sharing community feel about the place, it goes both ways and many can take, but they can't give. I think those days are over, sadly, for most and we reap what we sow.

you seem to be ignoring my posts..

so again, what is that you expect from your mum?

what do you want from her in terms of help?

if not childcare, what do you want?

you seem confused in her role and in what you want

violethill I am just saying that i dont expect or demand childcare from my parents. Its great that they have her, but makes no odds to me. Its no longer for my benefit.

Eviltwins: 'You are a spoiled, ungrateful brat with a hellish sense of entitlement. You need to grow up and get over yourself'.

How do you have the right to talk to her like that? Just because you disagree with her? Why can't you accept that it's difficult for you, it's difficult for her - she's asking for help, you're not ... So?

Why do women ALWAYS criticise each other for our choices?

Yes, we create most of our own problems - that doesn't stop them being problems, just makes them harder to solve.

Erm.... what about her grandchild's benefit? You seem to be very self obsessed, looking at everything from the perspective of how it benefits YOU, and bugger everyone else

grannie -

If I am reading this right, you want your mother to want to look after your DC. To be the kind of grandmother who can't wait to be with their GCs as often as possible? In which case I sympathise. My parents' joy in my DC has been one of the biggest pleasures of being a parent. But you can't force that sadly. And she does have her hands full with your dad (your opinion of his need for care is irrelevant I suspect)

And don't forget the other side of the coin - the mums on MN who complain like mad that their mums don't give them enough space!

Oh dear. Some quite spiteful responses on here. But I just wanted to say - I started a similar post a while back and got a similar response. You're not alone!

I think the relationship we have with our mother is so complicated, and so much of it is aggravated when we have children ourselves. For whatever reason, it sounds like your mum can only see things through her own eyes. Perhaps she's not ever been very good at empathising? (I say this because I have a very similar problem with my mum, and she's terrible at empathising). If this is the case, you just need to gently start to let go. It takes a while. I've definitely started to with my mum, and it is a relief. But the pain of wanting to be nurtured by her, to have your struggle recognised, will not go away completely. It's so tough.

I know with my mum that although she'd never been an empathiser, and had actually been quite awful and spiteful at times, I never gave up hope and always wanted there to be another chance for her to show nurturing towards me. Letting go of that expectation is important, and a big step, and something that therapy or counselling would help you with.

Being heavily pregnant and looking after your other kids must be thoroughly exhausted, no wonder you're feeling in need of support and help. I don't see why other people on here don't see that. You're tired, fragile, in need of love, generosity and support. Your mum is just down the road, seemingly oblivious. I would be very hurt by that. I don't think you're wrong to feel like that at all, but I do think you need to stop waiting for her to change. The only way you might be able to get some kind of resolution would be to talk to her, explain how you're feeling. Can you do this? If not, drum up as much support from elsewhere as you can. Pull out all the stops. And eventually you won't feel so dependent on her for something she can't give you.

I think perhaps your mum does want to help-but in her way, not yours.

the way i'm reading it, i am unsure that you want them to have the children for your benefit, or not.

i am not surprised there is confusion and unmet needs and you are not making yourself very clear

The more you type the more I feel sorry for your Mum - though presumably she raised you to be this spoiled.

And perhaps if your mum is keen to have DD on a Friday night, but you're not bothered, why not ask her to have her some other time instead? Perhaps a different time during the week when she's free and you genuinely tend to feel like you're about to fall apart? Could you negotiate this with her a bit? And maybe set up something temporary for the last few weeks of your pregnancy? So there's an end in sight.

Although... this kind of goes against what I was suggesting before, which was to step back from her a little, and reduce your expectations. If you can find alternative help you might actually find it quite empowering. 'Look, I don't need you!' - it's a nice feeling, trust me!

Hilary Clinton write a book, 'It Takes a Village' the title being in reference how many people it takes to raise a child. In other words, people don't live in isolation.

I started a similar thread about mil not being able to help and amongst the comments were, 'get over yourself..' . But I understand the OP's point; it's great for kids to have grandparents who are really engaged with them. I have an aunt who retired to be near her son, his wife and their 3 children. She takes the kids out to museums, for hikes, and sometimes just out for ice cream. The point being that they have a relationship independent of mom and dad and is support system for all. For instance, one of the kids was worried about her report card, and didn't want to disappoint her parents. So, grandmother was able to smooth ruffled feathers.

But agree with others; your mom isn't going to turn into SuperGran. Would put money on her being a similar sort of mother?

but a three year old just goes to bed and stays there, violethill, no? so it's hardly a massive favour if she's only taking one child anyway and it's the eldest one and it's night time and they're not going out in any case so don't actually need her to go

op, you have my sympathies. your mum isn't the mum you imagined she was but it's not worth trying to change her. better to accept and try to be happy with the help she offers. has she always been a bit crap on emotional support? it's more noticeable because she lives so close - plenty of grannies I know who live 5 mins away from their daughters would be doing a lot more (daughters not always so happy with that either!) so it's not unreasonable to expect more but it's not going to happen and she's not being evil either so best to try to accept and get some support networks of friends built around you instead.

I think sloanypony had it nailed with regard to what kind of help the OP would like. I don't think that's a lot to ask and I think she has been unfairly treated here.I don't get understand why a parent would mind making a few coffees at a party. I would do this for a friend. I certainly wouldn't let my pg dd struggle with double buggy and bags (esp as she has had MCs in the past)and do nothing to assist her.
A lot of people here don't have help but tbh some of you are coming across as very bitter and resentful of the fact that the OP does have some help.

My parents have always made it very clear that they are happy to be grandparents - they love my children, chat to them and will play with them - BUT they do not want to do parenthood again.
They do not do: feeding, nappies, baths, childcare etc. If we were all in the same room and i wanted to pop out and get something, I would have to ask them to keep an eye on the dc for a minute. The dc are not their responsibility.
My FIL never did childcare when his boys were small and MIL was very sadly always too ill - would not ever leave her alone with the dc, because she would have got up to stop them doing something silly at the expense of much pain to her.
So I have no expectation of "help" and this is fine - although most of my peers seem dependent on their mothers in particular for childcare etc - my parents have done their time. Additionally they are now caring for the third grandparent with declining health in the last 5 years and have enough to do. I just enjoy the fact that there is clearly a very good relationship between the dc and all their grandparents (the dc adore them). sounds like op's mum has good relationship with her grandchild too?

Honestly love-in case you missed my earlier post- having two wide awake,lively toddlers at once is hard.I am a devoted grandma and love looking after them one at a time is your mum about my age [66]?You worry about not being able to watch them both,about being able to move fast enough,about keeping them amused about everything really.I swear I would do more if I could and I bet your mum feels the same.
It is so nice spending family time with dd and the boys together-today we went to a country fair/horse show thigy and I looked after one while she had the other part of the time but she always asked,'are you ok with dgs2 while I take dgs1 on the rides?'or vice versa.I bet she feels awful about not being able to do more and is maybe too proud to admit it.
Look after yourself love you sound a bit sad and tired.

ease up,dont put self under pressure.accept difference of opinions.dont make this an issue

'but a three year old just goes to bed and stays there, violethill, no? so it's hardly a massive favour if she's only taking one child anyway and it's the eldest one and it's night time and they're not going out in any case so don't actually need her to go'

• no, not all 3 year olds go to bed and stay there. For all we know, the 3 year old might be boisterous, not settle in bed easily and wake in the night.

• even if the 3 year old is a good sleeper, it doesn't automatically follow that the mother should take the 1 year old as well, because taking one child 'isn't a massive favour'. The OP has already said that when she went round in the day time, the 1 year old cried and wouldn't settle, and had to be brought to her, so why on earth would the grandparents want an unhappy baby on their hands unecessarily

I think mybabywakesup sums it up - being a grandparent is not the same as being a parent. It is possible to love your grandchildren, be interested, involved etc without wanting the responsibility. They have done their parenting. Let them enjoy just being grandparents without strings attached.

OP, Mum might change as the children get older.

Maybe she disapproves of you having your 3 close together and this is her way of showing it.

Maybe your father has made comment about her not spending enough time with him.

Maybe she finds babies boring.

Certainly men usually find more to do with older children so your father might choose to see more of DCs in future.

Why don't you go out for a massage on Fri nights - do something to treat yourself when you've got the chance?

Lulumaam Sorry i didnt mean to ignore your post, there have been 243 in total and I have been helping children into bed etc.

What i want from my Mum is her support rather than childcare. This is more an attitude toward me, an understanding of my situation.

I have sadly had to step back a little, and to be honest, I now miss her and our old relationship. It feels distant now because I am holding back my feelings.

I am disapointed that when there is an obvious oppertunity to help out her daughter, she doesnt take the initiative and i dont like to ask. I have asked in the past and been told no. I find it hurtful to be honest, it seems that she doesnt care about me anymore. She helped me out in little ways a lot more when I only had the one child. Now she just does nothing.

I didnt mean to drip feed, im just responding to peoples comments. i wrote the post because i am interested in other people`s perspective on this, it is fascinating.

When my mum is moaning to me about being bogged down and hemmed in with three grandkids (not mine) she starts to go on about resenting my dad who is off to the golf and having dinner with the lads and generally having fun. But i remind her that dad always said, infront of us all, that they are not his kids, he has done that bit and she should just say no, as he does.

He is right. Mum is guilt tripped into doing it by my sisters and i feel thats unfair.
Grandparents want to spend down time with gc, the beauty being they can hand them back when they start crying. And they cant do that if they are babysitting

Saying that, i think your mum should have took the child to let you finish dinner, thats just weird.

OP - you need to manage your expectations. There are some people who have a lot of help from parents, some who have a little (like me) and some who have none (imagine being a single mum with no help at all). Life isn't fair and you need to be grateful for any help you get. Your mum is obviously not selfish and uncaring, and she obviously loves her DGC otherwise she wouldn't look after them or vist you at all.

I have no day to day help. FIL is a widower and is not confident with small children. He has never offered to look after the kids, and we would never ask him. My Dad works part-time and my Mum is registered disabled. They live 1.5hrs away, and can only look after the kids if they are both there as my mum can't pick the children up. However even if they didn't live so far away, and my mum wasn't disabled I still wouldn't expect them to help out more than you mum does.

FWIW DH and I have had 5 or 6 nights out together in the past 4 years. There's not point us agonising over this, cos that's just the way it is.

violethill What are you banging on about now? i was just responding to people saying that i expected childcare. You seem to be looking to find ways of insulting me anyway you can. its twisted.

onedge, i was wondering, is it possible your mum is having difficulty identifying with you as this capable mother of three (soon)?

What i mean is, she has only one child, do you think she is jealous of you and trying to distance herself incase she upsets yoy?

Mothers can feel jealous of their daughters.