to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

[OnEdge]

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

violethill where did i say i needed care?

Calm down FFS ! Its only a thread about mi Mum.

I think that my Mum sees me getting on with it and thinks oh shes ok, I`ll leave her to it. It is a viscious circle because I am ok to get on with it, she doesnt see the need to give me a hand. Fair enough.

Sloanypony That was so much more articulate than my attempt. thank you for hitting the nail on the head.

OP - there have been some really horrible, vicious posts on here, please ignore them. You want your mum to mother you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Doesn't matter how old you get, how many kids of your own you have, you still, sometimes, want your mum to care. Or at least that's how I feel.

And as for expecting family to look after us: well, that's what families do. I 'expect' my mum to look after me (sorry if that disappoints some of you, ladies), just like she expects me to look after her.

And for the record, my mum has helped me no end with childcare, just like my dad helps me put up shelves, just like I market my Dad's business & just like I pay their mortgage. We are family, we love each other & even though sometimes we can't be arsed and we have our own lives and yes (yawn) I did choose to have kids myself - we care enough about each other to put ourselves out now and again.

So, OP, if I were you I'd get to bed, ignore this thread & deffo ignore the really personal insults some posters have thought it's OK to post.

YANBU to be disapointed.

But as PP have said your mum isnt going to change. You are using up energy being upset and its not worth it.

My mum was the same. When she was in her 50s she would say she couldnt cope with my DS (although she was always after DD).

Now she is nearly 70 she looks after my brother's and sister's children regularly.

I cant be bothered to be hurt by it anymore.

There is no point.

I am being pragmatic but not unsympathetic.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been asked, but did your Mum have a lot of help when you were a baby OP?

My mum had little or no help from her parents/ILs (both lived very far away) when DSis and I were young, and as such is of the mindset that it is perfectly simple to manage on your own. She brought both of us up, whilst having a serious disability (with help from my Dad of course). As such she is probably not as sympathetic a GP as some of my friends mums who have always had loads of relations around to help. She is very much of the 'get on with it' mindset.

"This is more an attitude toward me, an understanding of my situation."

But it´s hard to understand a situation that you have never been in.

OnEdge you are not being unreasonable, imo.

Once upon a time, ALL the family helped look after each other. The Extended Family. Open, supportive, loving, kind.

Now, we are expected to Get On With It ourselves and allow our other family members to get on with their own lives. The Nuclear Family. Insular, selfish, narrow minded and unsupportive.

Op- I'm kind of with you and kind of not.

I'm with you because my mum used to watch me struggle and then drop in some useful advice ''why don't you do it like this?''. TBh- I found that she could make things more difficult instead of easier. Her and my dad adore my dd esp when I am there but it's hard to get them to babysit evenings and theyve had her only one night in two years.

However, mum is a very old 58 and is not physically capable of looking after toddlers. She can't get dd in and out of a pushchair for example. Now she has mouth cancer and has just had a succesful opperation and I will not ask her to do childcare again as it's simply not fair.

My solution is to get paid childcare and this will make my life easier. The problem with using grandparents to do childcare is that there is some kind of emotional transaction; a sort of ''I owe you'' mentality and when either party falls short then resentment builds up. At least with a payed childminder you just pay them and tell them what to do. That's that.

TBH- I don't think you should feel hurt. Frustrated mabe but she shouldn't be expected to look after so many kids at once.

I do feel a bit sad and jealous when I see all the super fit grandparents taking the grandkids out and about. I'm also despeartely sad taht I don't have inlaws (mixed blessing) to annoy the hell out of me help out!

MY best childhood memories are of playing with my grandparents. My grandfather used to do the most amazing activities with us; I will treasure it so I do think that grandparents gain an awful lot from being involved but remembre they are older than us and kids are tireing. Get a nanny instead!

I can't figure out what the OP wants.

She says "support" but what does that mean exactly?

It sounds like Gran just doesn't want to, that is her right, if she has spent her life looking after other people (i.e. her DD and now her DH) maybe she just isn't interested in caring for her GCs.

Where is your DH in all of this OP? Why wasn't he making the coffees etc? He has a responsibility to look after/support you in caring for his kids.

Mum always says that I am lucky to have lots of family and freinds around me for support. She had me when dad was a student and they lived in a caravan miles away from family and she didnt have many freinds.

Well there you go, she probably doesn't realise that you need that much help because she muddled through without it in harder circumstances. Also if you have only raised one child and indeed then not had anything to do with children for what 36 years? A couple of toddlers must come as a great big shock.

Before mum was diagnosed though I used to find her and dad the hardest thing about having kids. Their wanting to be involved without actually helping used to frustrate me no end!

Morloth
I just want my Mum to be supportive

I DO NOT WANT CHIDCARE

Just the odd " can you manage love?"

"You sit down a minute, I`ll go to the counter and place the order"

"You finish your meal, I`ll have him a minute"

That sort of thing, you know, common decencey.

onedge its called Giving A Toss. That should not end when your children have their own children, that should not end until you die. You should give a toss until that moment.

You see, there are always two ways of looking at things.

If I were in the OP's shoes, re: the Friday nights, I'd be thinking, 'How kind of my mother that she babysat every Friday night, so that DH and me could go out. And now that we no longer go out, how nice that she continues that routine. After all, the grandchild is used to it, and might feel a bit confused if a weekly routine suddenly stopped. Also, maybe the grandparents are happy in this routine too'.

The OP, on the other hand, just thinks about it from her point of view - she doesn't go out on Fridays any more, so everyone else should change the routine because it no longer personally benefits her.

I would guess there are two sides to all the other episodes the OP keeps moaning on about.

Oh and btw, OP, the only reason I said 'Neither do you need care', was in response to YOUR post saying your father doesn't need care, and resenting the time your mother spends on him. I was simply pointing out that YOU don't need care either.

I have a large network of freinds around me because I went out and made freinds. I joined mother and baby groups. My Mum wasnt into making freinds, she still isnt, she just doesnt like to.

poshsinglemum

Yes, that is it, they want to be involved but without helping.

When my daughter was born, a neighbour gave my Mum some advise. Mum would not tell me what it was until last year, but always refered to it. Apparantly she said to Mum, never go in to help, it will be seen as interfering, wait until you are asked.

But this neighbour`s grandson was her sons son, it is different. She did not want to step on her DIL toes, My Mum is my Mum not my MIL.

Have you told her that? Have you wondered if she has something going on that is causing her to withdraw from you?

From what I am reading it really is all me me me in your posts.

OP please dont take much notice of violethill, ive posted before (under another name) and her responses have been vile.

She is often uneccessarily horrible to posters so please ignore her.

You sound tired and if you are in the late stages of pg with 2 young children its no surprise. Yes, you need some help and support and it would be lovely to come from your mum. Maybe you need to be more outright and let her know how you feel.

Hope your ok.

ROFL wagonwheel you've made my evening!

violethill*

No, you are getting carried away again

"The OP, on the other hand, just thinks about it from her point of view - she doesn't go out on Fridays any more, so everyone else should change the routine because it no longer personally benefits her."

I was just pointing out that I did not expect them to look after my kids. I said I was happy about the situation, no talk about changing routines to persoanally benefit me, thats all your own, I never said that.

You seem to like making bits up as you go along to try and make me look nasty, really..... there is really no need.

I have to confess to having some similar feelings when my mother was staying with me after the birth of my second child.

She stayed a while, it was her idea and she seemed keen to help in certain ways that she stipulated in the lead up to her visit - all thought up and suggested by her.

She was going to do all my cleaning and ironing, and keep the house ticking over, and told me to cancel the cleaning agency because they would get in her way and she could "do it better". She also said she could help with "lifting" of my older child (getting him in the car seat, etc) because I was having a c-sec.

She could not lift my son - which isn't her fault, but its scary how much weaker a woman in her 60's is than one in her 30's! You really do lose lean mass if you dont use your muscles. And she does suffer from back twinges etc.

Consequently, she cleaned once in the whole 8 weeks, it was a quick spritz around the ensuite, and a hoover. The rest of the time, she'd only do anything if she saw me doing it, and her idea of hoovering was getting the hand held one and picking up the bits!

Her idea of ironing was to say "I must iron tonight" and then drinking 4 large glasses of wine and not ironing. She'd say the "I must iron tonight" when she saw me grabbing things out the ironing basket and quickly ironing them before preschool, etc.

None of it mattered really and I wouldn't even have mentioned it on here if she hadn't sold to me how helpful she was going to be - she just didn't deliver in the way she meant to. I wouldn't have cancelled the cleaner and ironing lady had I know, but we managed nevertheless.

She was helpful in other ways, though, to be fair - if nothing else she was a pair of arms that you could chuck the newborn into when you had to get up and do something - rather than in the moses basket - she could always cuddle a baby, even with a wine in one arm!

On the subject of parading grandchildren - I get a little of this from my parents. Mainly my dad. He's very "hands off". He basically ignores them, but in a kind way, if that's possible. Except when we visited recently (they live abroad). But, when my brother and his girlfriend turned up for a visit, they were suddenly all hands-on and boasty - sort of like, look what good grandparents we are!!! You should really get on with it you two!!! We want more grandchildren! kind of thing - didn't bother me so much as my husband, that really irritated him as just that morning my dad had been tsking to himself because my 7 month old was sort of squealing and shreiking while he was trying to watch the news. (Had to shut her up with toast in the end as was getting evils)

Mustn't grumble though eh?

She sees her grandchildren regularly, she chooses to do that (as you keep pointing out, you don't expect it of her!) - honestly, what is the problem?

Thanks wagonwheel she does sound a bit excitable.

You need to get out more then OnEdge!

Maybe on a Friday night