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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:
baskingseals · 18/07/2010 22:15

OnEdge YANBU

it's totally fair enough to want your mum to show you love and give you support.

but, if for whatever reason, it isn't happening there's not a lot you can do about it.

except to accept the situation and try not to let it hurt you. it's always shocking when people behave in ways that are so contrary to the way that we would behave, but they do all the time, even our mums. you can try to change the way you feel about things, but you can't really change her behaviour.

it sounds to me as though she's jealous on some level, you're walking a path that perhaps she wanted for herself.

maybe when the children are older your relationship will even out again and you'll regain your closeness. in the meantime i would focus on being the mother YOU want to be, and letting your own mum get on with it. as other posters have said it really is her loss. imho there is nothing more important than your family, and it always amazes me that people can reach the age of 60 plus and not realise this.

wagonweel · 18/07/2010 22:16

violethill, your cold,harsh views are very depressing.

And it says alot that you appear to be chuffed that your views have been referred to as vile. Kind of proves my point really.

Pavlov · 18/07/2010 22:16

violethill why are you dominating the thread. You have made your point quite ferociously, please leave the OP alone now fgs. Stop battering the poor woman.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:18

Yes sloanypony we musnt grumble. Appart from the AIBU section

OP posts:
violethill · 18/07/2010 22:18

Simply responding to points made to me by the OP and others.

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 22:19

I really do think that the simplest solution here, OP is for you to ask your mother for specific help when you need it. If she says no, then shrug it off and ask again next time. You seem to think that she should be able to read your mind. It sounds very much like she is waiting to be asked (the advice you refer to is very interesting - surely that should give you at least some of the answers) and I also think that there has been some kind of breakdown in communication with both of you being a bit stubborn about this. If you want help, ask for it.

As for the Friday night thing - I'm with violethill - if it was me, I'd be thinking "how lovely that they still take DD on Friday nights, even though we don't go out any more"

And sorry - I know I've been quite harsh, but you do still sound a bit precious about the whole thing. Becoming a mother has been humbling for me - you seem to resent what you see as the "humiliation" of having to ask for help, but then get angry when no one helps you. Perhaps that's where your problem really lies.

Animation · 18/07/2010 22:19

You sound tired to me too and perhaps a bit depressed. The late stages of pregnancy with two small ones in tow isn't easy. It's normal to feel you need your mum right now.

violethill · 18/07/2010 22:21

Thanks EvilTwins - I saw you got a bashing a few pages back - obviously my turn now lol.

I agree that becoming a mother is humbling - and it's also amazing. Hard work too - no days off ! -but then many things that are worthwhile are hard work.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:22

I`m not bothered about violethill this is the AIBU section so it is to be expexted, I have invited peoples opinion on a controversial subject. It is really helpful to read the comments so that I have a balanced view rather than just my own to think about.

OP posts:
Pavlov · 18/07/2010 22:22

Oh and can I just say, Congratulations to your soon to be third, i hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

poshsinglemum · 18/07/2010 22:25

I've had a few classics from my parents;

''Your daughter's done a poo'' being one of my favourites without any intention of changing the nappy themselves! I don't mind changing all of the nappies myself but it's the way that my parents will kindly tell me what needs doing without actually helping me to do it!

Another classic is when I very rarely go out and mum and dad babysit they say ''make sure your back by 10.'' Entirely reasonable as they are doing the hard work but so very frustrating and makes me feel like a teenager again. I'm 32 fgs AWFUL!

Sorry to hijack op but I can feel your pain. Still I think you need a paid childmindre to avoid these emotional transactions. Otherwise they will pull the strings.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:26

I never realised that becoming a mother was humbling and that I would never get any days off. I was so naive, now look what mess I am in!

It is really hard work, is it worthwhile?

Oh dear oh dear. I had No ideathat I would have to do anything, I thought that all my family and freinds would do it all for me.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 18/07/2010 22:28

I just hoped that I would get one night off occasionally.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:30

In the days when we used to go out on Friday nights, I would have nice meal cooked for them when they arrived at 6pm and I too would have to be in by 9.45. We would take son with us to the pub.

It is only since our holiday that Mum started having DD round to stay because on the holiday my DD wanted to sleep with grandma and Mum got into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:32

I dont want childcare, I just want Mum to be helpful.

OP posts:
Pavlov · 18/07/2010 22:33

I have a friend whose mother comes over from spain regularly so she can help her daughter with the children. As often as she is able to come. Luckily she lives within easy reach of an airport at both ends and able to get cheap flights which they go halves on each time. But lovely that she wants to do it. That is what you mean isn't it? you want her to want to help.

scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 22:35

whats your husband role,hes not much mentioned.does he support you adequately

poshsinglemum · 18/07/2010 22:36

Yes- I know what you mean too. I really wanted my parents to want to help but it was a bit grudging. That DOES hurt.It makes life harder.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:43

Yes Pavlov I want a bit of that.

scottishmummy

Yes husband is really good, we work well as a team, and respect each others need to have a rest. I am not having any problems coping in that way, I just think my Mum ought to help me more and I am disapointed that she isnt bothered. People have said that I ought to be grateful that I have a Mum at all. My husband`s Mum died 10 years ago, and the other day her sister said that she would have loved coming round to help out with the children, i wouldnt have been able to get rid of her. So my husband feels a bit sad regarding that angle.

It is me me me because I am describing my situation, how else can I without me being the centre of it, i am describing my relationship with my mother, there is no point me discussing the bloke over the road.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 22:48

reset your expectation dont become preoccupied by should do/could do. you both have differing mode of operating.that is unlikely to change.so dont let this fester

Morloth · 18/07/2010 22:51

You haven't once mentioned her or her feelings or why you think she might be being a bit distant.

Is she an unpleasant person usually? Has she always been distant? If not, why are things different now?

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:51

yes I have but I miss my Mum now. I have retreated from it and expect nothing and now anything is a bonus. The trouble is, the relationship feels a bit false now and unatural.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 18/07/2010 22:57

my mum died before i had my children. this has been incredibly difficult for me, and my children.

but i am careful not to fall into the fantasy that she would have been a fantastic granny had she been around. i am fairly sure she would not.

i don't think that you should have to feel grateful because your mum's alive and other people's mums aren't. that's not your fault. if she's getting on your nerves, she's getting on your nerves. it's okay to feel like that and to say it as well.

Original poster
OnEdge · 18/07/2010 22:59

She isnt unpleasant but we can very easily rub each other up the wrong way. We have had some nasty rows. Most of the time we get on great and she is very loving and kind.

I suppose the children coming along has changed the family dynamics. It actually feels like I am now in charge and she looks to me for guidance. I have become a Mum myself. Her Mum died when she was only 3.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 23:01

emphasise her positives and not shortcomings.you are too preoccupied