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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why my Mum doesn`t want to help me more?

341 replies

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 16:36

I have a 3 year old, and 1 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant. My mum lives a 5 minute drive away and doesn`t seem to want to help me out.

She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights, this started out as a plan to allow my husband and I to go out. we dont go out anymore, but Mum still wants my daughter round so that they can see her. I am really greatful for this, dont get me wrong.

Appart from that, nothing. She is mid sixties and in good health and is retired. If I ask her occasionally she will baby sit for a few hours so that I can work, but she always lets me know that she is doing me a huge favour and isnt really that keen. Once she referred to this as being lumbered

She knows that I am starting to feel it with this pregnancy, I am 39, but no offers to come round and help.

AIBU to be disapointed? Or is it my job to get on with it and not expect help?

OP posts:

mjinhiding · 18/07/2010 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:18

"I DONT get help when I ask for it, even just making a few brews , let alone childcare like you get eviltwins"

Um, in your OP you say

"She does heve my 3 year old most Friday nights"

So where eactly are you not getting childcare?

You know what, my parents came to my DTD's birthday party and I made them a coffee, and let them chat to the other mums and revel in being the party girls' grandparents. Fucking layabouts.

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:23

What do you mean lisasimpson My mum had a MC after me so I presume she wanted two.

OP posts:

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:30

How is it childcare when they want to have her and it is not needed by us? It is purely for their benefit, because they enjoy her. I have said there is no need to do it. When you say childcare, it implies that they are having her in order to give me some free time - it isnt.

At the party, my Mum didnt chat to guests, she sat in the kitchen. Like I said, she complained that at the previous party I was negligent in my duties as a host becuase I was in the kitchen making drinks. Then she refuses to help the next time? Sorry but that is crappy behavoir. It was only for the initial half hour while everyone arrives and it is busy.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 18/07/2010 20:34

YABU, YourMum has your DD every Friday. Yes she may be in her mid sixties and retired,but that doesn't mean she has nothing to do. She may have a lot of things going opn that you don't know about. DD1 is married and when she has children I will help if I can. But I know she wouldn't expect me to.

mjinhiding · 18/07/2010 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lulumaam · 18/07/2010 20:36

whatever it is that you want/need from your mum and she wants/needs from you, ain't happening!

she is not going to turn into the cake making, pinny wearing, all hands to the deck granny you have in mind..

so you have to accept this is as good as it gets and lump it, or keep pressing for more

if she complains you are not a good hostess, but won't help you at parties, who cares?? she looks daft, sitting complaining whilst you rush around

maybe she does not want to help anymore as she feels the more she does, the more she is beholden to you?

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:38

Dont get me wrong, its nice that they have my daughter over night, but I am responsible for their care and dont ask anyone appart from husband to look after our kids while I work. Appart from about 3 times which were exeptional over past two years. Mum has daughter on Fridays because she likes it, and FIL has her because he likes it.

I am disapointed because my Mum doesnt want to help me.

OP posts:

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:38

So it's only "childcare" when you say it is, the rest of the time it's - what, exactly?

You are a spoiled, ungrateful brat with a hellish sense of entitlement. You need to grow up and get over yourself.

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:39

Yes i see that it is my expectations that are wrong. Just have to accept that she isnt into it. so AIBU to be disapointed? Seems I am.

OP posts:

violethill · 18/07/2010 20:40

I think you've shot yourself in the foot one too many times now OP. You said at first that the Friday night childcare started off as a plan to allow you and your DH to go out. In your last post, you claim that it's 'purely for their own benefit'!!!

You really are quite something. Your mother has your child every Friday to allow you and your DH to have a night out/off and suddenly this becomes something that's for their benefit only.....

I feel more sorry for your mother every time you post.

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:41

Oh get over YOUR self too. Miss high and fucking mighty !

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/07/2010 20:42

No, you're not unreasonable to be disapointed. You were just unreasonable, or unrealistic if you like, to expect that even your mum owed you childcare and help on tap.

OrmRenewed · 18/07/2010 20:42

Lulumaam · 18/07/2010 20:43

i imagine your mum can feel your disappoinment and is equally disappointed in your attitude

my parents have worked v v v hard, and now, at 60, my mum particulalry can take it easy. she is in fine health and is young in mind and body.

she and my dad are at a point they can go on holiday 3 -4 times a year, weekends away, go out every weekend for drinks/dinners etc.. and it does impact on teh time i see them, coupled with the time they spend down south with my sister.

there have been times i've needed them, but they've been otherwise engaged.. but do you know what? That's great , i am delighted they can use their leisure time and then the time they spend with us and the gradnchildren is time we all enjoy and appreciate

i could not imagine my mum coming weekly to have the children, nor can i imagine asking her

the time that we spend to gether, the times they baby sit or take the DCs out is by mutual consent and we're all happy with that.

once you start begrudging, it causes infinite damage

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 20:44

You know what, OP, my ILs have seen my DTDs 7 times since they were born. They had their 4th birthday last week. They have never had them on their own, and those 7 times they saw them were for no more than 2 hours each time. I do not spend my time ranting about how I should be entitled to expect more of them. I accepted early on that they choose to behave like that, and that DH and I have absolutley no right to expect anything else of them.

You have a lot of help compared to a great many other people. That's why you need to get over yourself.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/07/2010 20:45

Why should you ask anybody else to care for your children though? Its not saintly not to need childcare whilst you work but you make it sound as though you are doing her a favour.

You say your mother helps your dad but you feel she shouldnt yet disappointed she doesnt help you - why are you more deserving than her sick husband.

You are an adult not a child at home, if you need help then pay for it or get your DH to do more. You are already lucky that you only have to work two days a week, many manage the same number of children and work all week.

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:45

violethill

yes it started out as a plan, but we were too knackered to go out in the end So I said to Mum, thanks but its ok now. She said she still wanted to have her. Its nice of them, but I am not demanding it or anything, that is all I was saying, because I was being accused of expecting childcare. (hevens forbid I should do THAT ¬)

OP posts:

beakysmum · 18/07/2010 20:47

Just wanted to say I totally sympathise with you OP, down to being 32 weeks preg with DC3!
Only difference is my Mum lives 2 hours away.

I think it is all about expectations and I don't think yours sound unreasonable as they are more about the detail of how she helps rather than the large scale issues of number of hours given etc.

My Mum has depression and I think that is the reason she often cannot see what I need, but it is still very hurtful. For example, I had hyperemesis, but she told me I should remember people in Haiti have it worse as they have lost their homes!!!! That was one of the rare occaisions when I told her exactly what help I needed and to her credit she came for a couple of days. However haven't seen her since then until she visits again next week.

Unfotunately we can't change other people and you may just have to accept your situation.

I feel your pain. If your own mother can't seem to show care for you.....

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:49

I dont ask them to give me childcare.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2010 20:49

At least you are willing to offer help to your daughter if you can. I was told outright by my Mum years before I became a parent that I was not getting any assistance at all. "Been there and done that" was her phrasing. Whilst that is her choice and it is respected by me, I do feel a degree of disappointement We used to be close and it has affected how I feel about her these days. Being advised subsequently on here that it is her "loss" for not wanting to be involved is fine up to a point but the hurt never really goes away. I do feel let down.

I am delighted that many other gps do step up to the plate with regards to their grandchildren. I do not feel envy for them at all. People need to actually spare a thought for those who are not so fortunate.

I have never wanted wrap around care, I would like her to show some interest in their one and only grandchild and actually know a bit more about him than just his name!. There won't be any more in the family on either side (my brother is quite happy to remain the eternal batchelor).

For what it is worth as well I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. AF if you're reading this too, I do sympathise with your situation as well.

violethill · 18/07/2010 20:49

Ah right, so it was fine while it suited you to go out, but now that you're choosing not to go out, you turn it into your parents wanting your dd for their benefit!!

Like I said, you are priceless. At least you only have one child to look after on Friday nights. You are constantly moaning about how tired you are, so be grateful for that. And remember, it will all get harder with a newborn!

scottishmummy · 18/07/2010 20:50

be grateful for what mum does (hell of a lot) and stop bellyaching about her alleged shortcomings

Original poster

OnEdge · 18/07/2010 20:50

My Dad doesnt need care.

OP posts:

violethill · 18/07/2010 20:51

Nor do you need 'care'. You're a pregnant adult, not an invalid.

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