to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

Harimo, I think the real issue here is - as AsiaMinor says - your children.

While you say that you are happy with you life, and that is your choice, you need to think very carefully about the impact of your relationship on your children. It sounds as if your DH has very little respect for you which your children will pick up and copy in their own relationships. Is that really what you want for your children, especially your DD? If not, then for their sakes you need to find a way to make some changes.

If you can't handle those conversations with your DH alone, consider whether counselling could help.

Haven't read the whole thread but really feel for you. Lots of good advice on here. I agree that DP needs some perspective to understand what you do by doing it himself. You say he that thinks the weekends are his time off? Well, if being home all week is so easy then it should be Ok for him to do stuff at the weekend. He can't have it both ways! Good luck.

Have come back to this thread - posted early on.

I don't know if he's abusive - I don't know if it helps someone who is trying to make sense of this, to, at this stage, call him abusive.

BUT - it's crystal clear to me that he doesn't respect you very much Harimo, and that you know that, or you wouldn't have posted on here and then found the idea of initiating a simple conversation so hard to do.

I would get a full time job if I were you. It's usually the answer to most things and better for the chidlren. I worked full time when mine were the age of yours. It's much more fun.

YANBU. The children are not just your responsibilty, He is their Dad so they are also his responsibility. When my children were small DH and I would take turns in putting them to bed and getting them up. Them included feeding them. Dh worked during the week and often went out before they were awake, But he spenttime with them at weekends and would get them up. He also took them out on his own. Your DH neds to grow up and start looking after his children.

Right, Xenia. It's so easy to land yourself a top-earning job and dump your children on a nanny when you'd rather be with them.

The OP says she loves being at home with her children. I suspect her children love it too. Two parents with full-time jobs may be the solution to some problems, but it can create a whole host of others.

brightwell1 - some experienced MN posters can read between the lines - there is always more than the OP says - please look at takingtheplunge'a poat from Sat 17-Jul-10 13:57:54:

"Harimo It's me,Macaco from the post natal thread. I'm so sorry you're still going thru this crap with DH. He is an arse and an utter bastard to you and treats you like shit. Always has done."

OP - can you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

So what's the latest Harimo - did you talk to him? I think making a list of what you've done all day is a great idea - I'm going to start doing it, not so much to 'prove' what I've done, but to remind myself that I have actually achieved something when I look around at 10pm and the house is a total bombsite after running around after the kids for 14 hours!

I hope your DH is open to your thoughts.

I'm not saying it's domestic violence or anything or even necessarily abuse but this has been going on for as long as I've "known" harimo and it's like the death from a thousand cuts. He seems to undermine her in a million tiny ways. Not enough so she thinks "he's abusing me...he's a bad man" just enough to feel constantly on edge and undermined/under appreciated. At least that's what I've got from her posts over the years. And I think it's a crying shame that such a capable, caring, intelligent woman is belittled in this way all the time by her "D"H.
And I think she deserves to be treated with love and kindness and respect and admiration for what she does, not made to feel useless.

takingtheplunge - didn't realise there was so much background.

xenia I have really missed your special brand of tough love recently, Im glad you are back.

I think with Harimo's situation it might take a bit more than getting a job to sort out her DH as he seems pretty set in his ways.

However if she did get a job they could pay for a cleaner which may solve a lot of the problems. Dont they say housework is the main cause of marital conflict?

You never know, maybe Harimo's DH would love for her to get a job. Maybe he doesnt agree that it is best for her to be at home with the children whilst he supports them all financially. Maybe he's bitter about that and wishes that they both worked outside of the home.

Maybe he thinks she's worth more than childcare and housework and feels frustrated that she isnt out acheiving in other ways..?

Thats why i asked the question about the conversations that go on before couples have children...

For example I said to my DP - If I have a baby you know I will be going back to work asap and you will never have a stay at home wife to clean and care for the children etc etc.

Most of us do discuss these things before we marry. I do think going back to full time work when you have little children solves al ot of problems. It means you pay someone else to clean and do a lot of the day to day childcare and it makes you less dependent on a man for money if at all - indeed you can out earn him and everyone benefits. Of cousre you don't like being home with small children doing house work. no one really does and therefore most women work and always have done. It also stops you being so home centric and have other fun things in life and work colleagues and professional standing and your'e not just chief cook and bottle washer. If I could work full time with 3 children under 5 I am sure you can with two.

foureleven
"xenia I have really missed your special brand of tough love recently, Im glad you are back.

I think with Harimo's situation it might take a bit more than getting a job to sort out her DH as he seems pretty set in his ways.

However if she did get a job they could pay for a cleaner which may solve a lot of the problems. Dont they say housework is the main cause of marital conflict?

You never know, maybe Harimo's DH would love for her to get a job. Maybe he doesnt agree that it is best for her to be at home with the children whilst he supports them all financially. Maybe he's bitter about that and wishes that they both worked outside of the home.

Maybe he thinks she's worth more than childcare and housework and feels frustrated that she isnt out acheiving in other ways..?

Thats why i asked the question about the conversations that go on before couples have children..."

TRY THIS IT WORKED FOR ME, Stop doing just two or three things, i stopped washing up last thing at night, stopped replacing the loo roll and filling the car up with fuel, ten short days was all it took, we don't have that arguemnt anymore.

It's important that the OPs contribution is recognised and its important that her partner helps around the house where possible but lets stop pretending that being a SAHM is in any way comparable to working in a full time job.

It just isn't. Being a SAHP is tedious, unskilled and mindnumbing but it's also delightful and rewarding as you see your kids growing up. If it takes you more than a hour or two to get the housework done in the morning (with the afternoon free to spend with your kids) then you're either incompetent or ironing tea towels.

It seems a fair compromise that if one member of a couple is earning then the other does the vast bulk of the housework.

This is no way means that the OPs partner is in the right here and if nothing else he needs to acknowledge that but those people on here who say that someone working full time should still do half the house work are having a laugh...

LookToWindward.. ive always wondered about the length of time to do housework..

We pay a cleaner for two hours a week. and DP works from home one day a week so he does all the changing of beds and 3 loads of washing. We are 2 adults, a five year old and an 11 year old..

I cook, he washes up.

So aside from the cooking and washing up thats about 4 hours work a week, and our house is spotless..

.......This is directed at those with kids at school btw not OP as she has 2 babies to tidy up after.

Although, if she did work then the house wouldnt get messy in the day as they wouldnt be there!

Harimo he is not a good dad. You keep insisting he is when anyone can see this is not true. A good dad is not one who cannot ever be left alone with his children. A good dad is not one who forgets to feed his children. A good dad is not one who controls the household.

Your husband is not a good dad, unless your only yardstick is money. In which case I feel sorry for you.

quite right runnybottom.

This is the last time I will EVER look at or post anything on this site.
I AM the ?DH? who is being pilloried here and the impression that is being given and being inferred is sooooo... far from the truth that I would like this to be an example to anyone that reads an AIBU thread and jumps to a million wrong conclusions about what goes on in a relationship between two people where you can have no idea whatsoever what the truth is.
To go back to the OPs ?I do nothing? comment, let?s put that into context: We were all sitting round chatting and someone mentioned that the OP had a good tan and I said, tongue FIRMLY in cheek, ?that?s because you sit around not doing anything all day?. It was a joke for God?s sake. I?m not an idiot. I have got four kids and I KNOW how much work is involved in looking after them. I?m perfectly capable of dealing with them and don?t leave them unfed or sitting round in dirty nappies and (once again) looked after them this afternoon when the OP?s Personal Trainer (Oh, didn?t she mention she had one?) was here.
As for getting a cleaner, I have asked that she get one a hundred times as I know it would take the pressure off but she?s never happy with any of the ones that she tries out. The option of a full time nanny is always there too but never taken up and I can understand that as I know how much she loves looking after DS and DD, so no harm done. And yet the implication and inference on this thread is that I am somehow denying these options which is simply not true.
To suggest that I would somehow not be able to cope if the OP stopped doing things around the house is ridiculous. I?d just get on with it and do it myself. No mention of who does 95% of the cooking and the cleaning up after, for example?. That would be me.
As for judgemental morons on here like ?takingtheplunge?: Do I know you? Do you know us? I don?t think so. And I don?t mean ?know? in the Mumsnet sense which seems to be ?take the bits of information that suit your argument and use them to form a judgement? Somehow I now stand accused of making OP give up her teaching course. Not true at all. I did ask up front if it was the right thing to do right now with two children under two but maybe you should ask the OP what the real reason was for giving it up before you post any of your judgemental speculation on here about it. As for your assertions that I am constantly belittling my wife, well f*k you. And as for your assertions that I am not a good dad, well fk you again. I am not constantly belittling her and I?m a really good dad in the grand scheme of things. Ask my 15YO and 11YO daughters. I have not missed a beat in making sure that they know that they have a dad that loves them and the same will go for the younger two as well.
It would be pretty easy for an outside observer of this site to accuse a few people of being crp mothers considering the amount of time they seem to spend on here judging other people instead of paying attention to their children. Still, I personally wouldn?t go that far, not actually having any facts to go on, unlike people like dittany and runnybottom, who seem certain, based on pretty much no facts at all that I am ?not a good dad?. All I can say is that if your ?real life? demeanour is the same as it is on here then your DHs must have the shitty end of the stick.
What really pisses me off about sites like this is that people come out with things that they would NEVER say face to face to people in normal social interaction. Easy-peasy to sit behind a keyboard and pass judgement on other peoples? relationships based on half the story, isn?t it?

There is so something very wrong here. The OP has said that her husband is unwilling/incapable of even feeding his children, her husband says he does 95% of the cooking and cleaning up after. Which is it? Brightwell, you seem like a good guy but you have to admit that your wife has painted a very poor picture of you on here so it is understandable that people vilified you. Are you going to talk to your wife about what she has posted here?

Look, if you care about each other then draw a line under some moments of weakness on an internet discussion group, and sit down and have a talk. Everyone gets down sometimes and then things can get all out of proportion. Shit happens, now move on.

omfg

okaaaaaaaaaay

Well, he has said he's never coming back but just in case...

Brightwell1 It's not all that reasonable to have a go at people on here for responding to the - rather different - details of the story originally posted. So either you are lying, or your wife is lying, or you both have massive problems in communicating and perceiving what is done and intended by one another. Whichever of those it is, I think your energy would be better spent sorting things out with one another than blaming anonymous internet users, responding to the best information they have to date, for your problems.

And going back to your:
"As for your assertions that I am constantly belittling my wife, well f**k you"
That's really going to convince us all that you don't belittle people...Nice!

I find it strange that he knows all of the terminolgy, is familiar with Mumsnet and has actually came on here to defend himself in a virtual world. It's all just freaking weird.

Brightwell1 posted during this thread as well...

Why didn't you say who you were then, or do you prefer spying on your wife?

That's just creepy...

Harimo - hope you are OK x