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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

246 replies

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:24

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 16/07/2010 16:49

Are you saying OP, that you don't trust your husband with the kids? If he really struggles, could he get his Mum to come and help him while you went away for a day or so?

What happens if you are ill?

KnottyLocks · 16/07/2010 16:50

You can sort of see why his ex demanded an au pair if he did the same to her.

However, the only way he will appreciate it (and therefore you) it to try it himself.

Has he ever taken them out on his own?

Original poster

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:51

I'm sureI've said this before, but He simply isn't here 5 days a week.

There is a lot he simply isn't able to do.

That's not an excuse. I'd like him to be much more involved at weekends, but it is relevant. There is a lot of stuff he simply can't do.

I don't know how to change it though.

I don't want to spoil the small amount of time we DO get together by arguing.

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 16:52

Good post swallowedafly

Original poster

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:53

I don't get to be ill and, no, he has never taken them out.

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 16:54

Well you can't attempt to change it without talking to him. If you accept what we are saying about it being unfair, then you must feel you have right on your side. I am worried that you are afraid of confronting this.

Original poster

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:55

swallowedfly - I'm not sure they do. I know when they aren't well, they most certainly run to me. But they both do play with daddy and have a relationship with him.

OP posts:

KnottyLocks · 16/07/2010 16:55

If he can feed himself, he can feed a child. This isn't a Monday to Friday job. Likewise, children also like to be engaged with at the weekends too.

He has the opportunity to spend two days in their company, to learn as much from them as they do from him and he can't be arsed.

proudnsad · 16/07/2010 16:56

You don't want advice, you're not really asking AIBU and you keep 'yes butting'. So

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 16:56

What does he do with or for them - apart from earning the money

foureleven · 16/07/2010 16:56

You have a one year old and a 2 year old all week on your own... and he thinks you do nothing?!?! ?!

Original poster

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:57

Spot on Jamie - I don't know how to go about confronting this without it coming out badly.

I don't want to minimise what my DH does, I just want some appreciation to what I do.

SO, yes, I'm concerned as to how to approach it.

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 16:58

sorry - X post - he plays with them. That's good.

Does/has he change nappies, read stories, put them to bed?

Get up when they are ill, bottlefeed them?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 16:59

Sorry - moving too fast ...

What are you concerned will happen?

Original poster

Harimo · 16/07/2010 17:01

Basically no. He interacts with them. But on his terms (DS was desperate to play last weekend, but he watching the GP!!!!!!)

I'm really not trying to be 'yes but' I just don't know how to try and change the situation.

OP posts:

Bobbalina · 16/07/2010 17:03

I think it makes for a potential unbalance in a relationship and lack of understanding on both sides when one partner works out of the house and one is at home not working.

I think both parties need understanding of what different stresses they are under and to appreciate each other. If you need some time off from looking after the kids sometimes (and I am sure you do) then you need to get this sorted out - either your dh needs to help on this, or you have a reciprocal arrangement with a friend, or you have some paid childcare, whatever fits best.

Neither of you is actually getting an easy ride from this situation, although I expect life would be tougher on both of you if you were working part time or full time. And I also think that once your kids are at school if you are still a SAHM tbh this is not a hard life at all.

I think that working mothers have it considerably tougher than SAHMs on the whole with some notable exceptions for those in low stress jobs or jobs they love, and for those who don't enjoy being at home.

I also think that men who have a stay at home partner generally enjoy an easier life than men whose partners work, although the strain of being sole breadwinner shouldn't be underestimated.

MathsMadMummy · 16/07/2010 17:04

he's showing a complete lack of respect for you

why has he never taken them out? even to the nearest park for an hour? it doesn't have to be a day at the zoo. is it that you've given up asking? maybe if you do suggest it he'll say yes, it's just the idea didn't occur to him? [generous emoticon]

and why doesn't he feed them... not hard to boil up some pasta is it? that's a bit... odd

it must be hard living alone mon-fri (do you mean he literally lives away in the week?) but that's no excuse for him to not help out at weekends.

you really do just need to arrange something to get time on your own. an exercise class or something?

wukter · 16/07/2010 17:07

The first thing you have to do to change things is to talk to him.

You have three problems:

no appreciation for your work
no meaningful care or interaction for your DC from their father
no time for yourself.

If he doesn't listen to your concerns then you have the problem of an uncaring husband as well.

But talk to him first, he may well be just thoughtless and lazy and need a (verbal) kick in the arse.

noblegiraffe · 16/07/2010 17:09

What a crap dad he is.

MmeRedWhiteandBlueberry · 16/07/2010 17:15

I wasn't suggesting that you permanently do nothing - you just do nothing for a few days to make a point.

The issue is not your workload, I don't think, but your DH's appreciation of it.

All you have to say when DH comes home is -"you know how you always as about what I do all day? Well, today I didn't do it". Simple. At that point, you either give him the come on, or you get your marigolds out and make up for lost time. Either way, he will appreciate you.

I think that many SAHMs have been in your shoes. Even if our DH's were not quite so judgmental as yours, they have all come home with raised eyebrows when they hear tales of playdates and coffee mornings while they slogged at work.

When husbands ask us about our days, we don't usually tell them about how many loads of washing and ironing we did, or about cleaning the toilet. We tell them about the fun things. They are not so good at putting two and two together unless you hit them over the head with the info.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 16/07/2010 17:15

Bobbalina - I agree up to a point. I think it's easy for SAHMs to feel powerless and unable to ask for what they want, and some working dads feel under extra pressure, especially if they don't enjoy their jobs. They may need a bit of time to wind down after work or at the weekends.

But the OPs children are babies - it's really physically and emotionally draining for her. And sad that their dad doesn't seem to take much pleasure in them or want to supposrt his wife more.

Sorry Harimo - I know I sound a bit hard and I don't want to alienate you.

hifi · 16/07/2010 17:16

so all he contributes to family life is cash?

SweetKate · 16/07/2010 17:17

I had a day off for my birthday. DH had to do school run, look after baby and take DS to a party. I came home to shouting at bath time as they were all tired and emotional. In fairness it was one of the hottest days of the year. When I asked when my next day off was he said "10 years time". I think he now appeciates me a bit more than he did before.

nikki1978 · 16/07/2010 17:18

He sounds a bit crap but you need to talk to him end of. Yes it may end up in a row (most likely will in fact) but it still has to be done. You can't ask what to do then turn down all suggestions as you don't want to rock the boat. You are unhappy with the situation so need to grow a pair and deal with it. It may help to write it down in a letter and list of points so you don't get confused if it ends up in an arguement.

Try to be diplomatic as people tend to get very defensive if they feel they are being attacked then it makes things harder to deal with.

It sounds like you do not trust him alone with the kids tbh and therefore are not pushing for him to do things with them. Does he help with the housework at weekends? Do you ever plan nights out and ask if he can have the kids while you go out? I get the impression you are not asking in the first place....

If you are asking for help and time off but he is refusing then he is twat and needs dealing with.

Or do you just want him to say "you do such a good job here" now and then? Do you express you thanks for the things he does too?

MathsMadMummy · 16/07/2010 17:19

do you have a chance for some babysitting soon? (i.e. so you two can have some time alone) that way you can actually have a proper conversation.

if you did do the mum-on-strike thing (they did actually do a series about that IIRC!) would he be angry with you?

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