to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

There are so many things that I want to say but I'll try and just whittle it down to what's strictly necessary.

Everyone agrees that you are not being unreasonable. Although I also agree that your DP needs some time alone with the children, I can see that this isn't going to happen overnight. You had a controlling father, so it is no coincidence that you ended up with a controlling man. You really needs to learn to assert yourself.

I think that this weekend, when the kids are in bed, you need to talk to him openly and frankly. Print off this thread perhaps and show it to him. If not, then tell him that you are upset and that you feel you are being taken for granted. Ask if he would mind trying to show his appreciation more. Also ask if he would like to be more involved with the kids. He sounds scared to me. You obviously do your job as mother very well and perhaps that can be a little intimidating.
Assign him some fun, fairly easy weekend tasks, such as bath time and breakfast. When he has done this, praise him, telling him how well he has done and how much it means to you that he is helping and strengthening his relationship with the kids. Over time you can negotiate and gradually increase the tasks that he takes over. If you are worried about him shouting at the children or not doing it properly, hover in the next room, but don't make him feel watched, and don't jump in unless he really needs help.

I think some couples counselling would be a good idea, but I appreciate that he is away during the week. Perhaps have a ring around and see if there is anyone available on Saturdays. You also could do with some just for yourself. Make this a priority.

Although you say you love your life, and although this is how things were long ago, I don't think you truly are happy with the way things are at home. You clearly love him a lot and have a lot of respect for him, so there is a big reason, along with the children, to work on this relationship and make sure that your kids have the father they deserve.

You do deserve time to yourself. It is hard, even without the extremes of your situation, to do anything for yourself as a mother, but the occasional hour or afternoon is a godsend.

Most of all, I wish you luck and I hope that you get things to be a little easier on yourself. If it helps to know this, we all appreciate what you're doing for your family, you sound amazing. I am in awe of you.

Yes you're right Dittany, sorry, shouldn't have suggested that.

Harimo, I think I may understand some of what you're going through. My father is very controlling and verbally agressive towards my mother. I was badly bullied by my brother and also at school. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let my childhood ruin my life and I would be happy.

Somehow I ended up married to a controlling man, I didn't realise it for years and had two children with him. I was with him for 15 years and it took me at least 3 of those to get the courage up to finally face what he was and leave.

I didn't have MN and so didn't realise quite what the pattern was, how insidious the destruction of my self esteem was and so spent years feeling guilty, feeling that I could have been a better wife and mother.

I now feel such a fool that I married someone so similar to my father but that's how I was conditioned from childhood, to be the peacemaker, to put everyone else's needs above my own, not to rock the boat.

It has taken years to come to terms with it. I'm now extremely happy with a new partner and realise what a proper relationship, a proper partnership is like.

The point I'm trying to make is that it has taken me many years to process all this mentally, you've got a headstart with all the advice on here but it's going to take a while for you to take it all in.

And we're all here while you do...

And to add to Dittany's point about his feelings being more important to her, agree with the don't show him this thread. Harimo's feelings are more important than a bunch of people on the internet.

Absolutely not a dig at loopylou but if he isn't listening to his DW, then he absolutely won't care about any one else's opinion.

Plus if she did show him a thread, he would know her MN name etc.

So sorry about your dog. Mine, a golden retriever, is such a great personality, although having him around means the kids have zero fear of dogs.

Yes yes, you're both right, sorry, I take it back don't show him the thread Harimo!

Harimo, I feel so sorry for you. I don't mean to patronise, and I'm glad you've got your lovely children, but it gave me a shiver to think that you're worried about what would happen to them if you were seriously ill or similar.

My DH works very long hours, and I'm a SAHM.

We have one DS of 3yo, who is a piece of cake to look after, and very good company.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my second.

DH gets up with DS five days out of seven, makes his breakfast, takes his night-nappy off, then walks the dog when I get up.

He then goes to work, and gets home eleven hours later (often to carry on working on the computer).

At the weekends all jobs are shared.

I'm not showing off, just showing what a massive difference in attitude he has. Currently he is bringing in the money, but we see our marriage as a life-time commitment, and the pendulum will swing the other way at various points.

I know that up until now you have accepted the arrangement as it is, but actually you sound very stressed.

Gosh Harimo, you do need to be more assertive or he will walk all over you, is this how you want to live in 30 years time? You will have to talk to him I am afraid to get what you want, its not going to happen on its own. My dh is a little like yours, the home is my domain, he earns the money, my dh does spend time with dd, reads to her, takes her out, looks after her whilst I go out with friends and shopping. I would not stand for what you are going through, you need to show your dh that you mean business or he will continue this.

Harimo - if your parents had the same sort of relationship as you and your husband it's not surprising that you have felt it's normal. It might also feel like a bit of a betrayal of what they stood for and what they taught you to start questioning and trying to change the status quo in your marriage. I think it might be immensely helpful for you to talk to a relationship counsellor. I know you'd have to arrange childcare in order to do this, but I really think it would be a great first step towards changing the situation in which you find yourself.

Harimo what is your financial situation? Do you have your own money?

Is your dh controlling about money?

If he is controlling the money it is financial abuse. If for example he puts only a tiny amount of money into your account, or you have a credit card he'll settle but he pores through it and queries everything and makes you feel bad about your 'extravagance' (at Sainsbury's).

Start saving a rainy day fund.

From what I have read on this thread it sounds like YOU are now the au pair - unpaid at that.

This is not an equal partnership nor relationship. You need to change it if you dont like it, stop making excuses for him.

He really wouldnt feed the babies if he was left alone with them? How can you stay with someone who neglects your children like that?

We really have gone quite a long way from Harimo's OP (namely that she'd like a bit of appreciation) to 'Harimo is being emotionally and financially abused, is evidently repeating abusive childhood patterns, and needs to leave her husband'.

Some couples have - wait for it - joint accounts and don't have 'own' money.

I have no idea about the ins and outs of Harimo's relationship, and neither has anyone else on here. However, it seems that some posters are perhaps jumping to rather hasty conclusions, perhaps as a result of their own experiences rather than Harimo's.

Harimo - I've read most of this thread and a few things stand out. Is one of the problems the fact that you are used to doing it all in a certain way, so would find it hard to let go of the reins and let your DH take over? Your comments about him not feeding them, but still remembering to give them formula, perhaps suggest that you are unhgappy with the fact he didn't do it like you would have done. If that is the case, easier said than done, but you perhaps do need to chill out a bit and allow for the fact that, as he doesn't do it regularly, he will forget things, and that his routine etc may differ from yours. This is particularly hard with kids so young, but it may be the only way for you to relax a bit more and let him do things.

However....he clearly does think that he is entitled to two days off, and this does need addressing. He may be abusive, he may not be, I am not sure. i had a very controlling father who acted pretty much in the same way as your DH, but i am not sure I would call it abuse. However, you do need to talk about this - however hard it may be. If you can't alk to him about such things, what kind of relationshiop do you have?

And he surely must be entitled to annual leave - book a family holiday away somewhere - and spend some time together, sharing the responsibility of childcare etc.

Do you meet up with other mums or is there someone who can have the children for you for just a few hours during the week. You need sometime for yourself and then maybe plan just a couple of hours' family' time at the weekend.
Maybe make him feed useful, teaching kids to play a game, ride a bike, fix something for the children. If he feels more involved it may help him to spend more time with the family. Before you pluck up the courage to make a real change you can try some small steps.

My father still controls and bullies my mother and they have been married for 57 years, it still has an impact on the whole family.

Cheesypopfan, I'd wondered about what you said in your first paragraph too. That's certainly my experience: I think my DH feels there's not much point in bothering because I do such a good job that anything he did would be rubbish. That's something I'm trying to get out of, as it doesn't do any of us any favours. But, again, I can't speak for Harimo here.

"he would go ballistic if the house was a mess when he got home. "

are you sure he isn't a caveman?? what era is he in exactly???

there's no WAY I'd be living my life with a man like this - what kind of message is that sending out to your children?

That's your interpretation KimberleySakamoto which is presumably based on your experiences.

You say he will go ballistic if the house is a mess. This means he has no respect for you.

Being nice to him won't work because he isn't nice to you.

If he refuses to take his turn, then he's a selfish twat, not a great dad.

Whatever did you see in this bloke, in the first place?

Charm / good looks / big dick shouldn't blind you to his faults.

Hrimo I just wanted to stop by and give you a big hug.

I had an abuser Dad too, and used to take whatever men dealt out to me. Stuff I would never ever admit on a live forum.

Luckily DH has (had really, she is no longer in contact) a Mum with severe OCD who was obsessive around the house etc and made hid and FIL's life a misery: DH didn;'t want that and pulls his weight. Now, if you took a snapshot you might not see that- I get up an hour earlier on weekdays to sort teh school studd whilst he snores on even though IO still BF at night

I mentioned that on an MN thread and got

But right now he is tidying teh kitchen after vaccuuming the living room so I get a break.

On teh ocasions things did slip (he did get really funny recently about me sitting drinking coffee when he got up, until I pointed out rather angrily that the reason I could do that was getting up early; and that if only visible work counted then everything he did outside the house would be disposed of too- worked well LOL)

I guess what I am saying is oyu have to find a abalance for you but it will be ahrd. I remember reading somewhre that the voundaries and norms of a relationship are established in teh first six weeks and very hard to change after that. I think that's right; there's a difference between changing a situation that hs slipped into the unfair but started OK, and completely rejigging the balance of the relationship.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. It's great you love to be with the kids- so often that is undervalued, i'm the same though. HAd the boys not been disabled i'd be a teacher or social worker nby now, was 3/4 of the way there (degree not post grad)- all kid focussed stuff LOL. He should be glad that his kids have the priveledge of growing up with someone who so clearly enjoys them (being a SAHM noty important, enjoying them is though) and want to make your life easier as a result.

Hope this weekend is a good one

And as for the dog- there aren't any words that can jusstify that. Even if everything else he ever did was perfect, that was fuckwittery at it's highest level.

Once, just once, my DH made rumblings of this kind.

You know what I did - I wrote out a detailed list of what I had done in my day.

He read it and NEVER EVER mentioned it again.

Going to work, having a coffee with your colleagues and dealing with adults all day, is always easier than dealing with unpredictable toddlers.

Email him the list - a few days on the trot. Or better yet, bugger off for a few days and leave him to it. He'd soon get the message.

"OK, tomorrow, Saturday, say to him "I'm off out for the day...see you at about 5pm" and GO!!! He will soon realise what a tough job you have"

If I did that my DH would just pack up DD for a day out, take her to MILs or do some other fun activity. He certainly wouldn't stay at home trying to entertain the baby while doing washing, hoovering, doing the dishes, cooking, making beds plus the other myriad things I do all day - so a day looking after DD would not teach mine anything - and I suspect the OPs DH is probably the same

That's the trouble isn;t it Fibilou? You cannot make someone change

personally if the choice was all and no break i would choose a break even if it meant catching up afterwards and DH being at MIL's.