to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

So, out of interest, who looks after our stepdaughters (his children, not yours) when they are around?

Now let me guess....

Yes, sometimes I do see his behaviour as bullying. He made me give my (gorgeous, wonderful, precious) Ddog to my parents cos he didn't like the mess. even though he's only here on weekends and I do the cleaning.

He has (sort of) rescinded, but my parents now don't want to give the dog back (father and DH are rather similar)

SO, yes, I do feel unable to speak up at times. And I do feel the need to 'keep the peace' even when it's possibly not my role to do so.

I agree, you need to honestly DO nothing for about a week so that he gets it. It'll be hard with the children there. You really need to go away for at least 48 hours, but obviously that still doesn't give him the full picture as there is food in the fridge and clean clothes etc.

Book yourself a weekend away ASAP and I know it's hard leaving the kids, but they'll be fine. the first half an hour is the worst. then they're over it.

I can't seem to get it through to you...

HE IS NOT HERE. I HAVE TO BE HERE FOR THE KIDS. THere is no WAY I can not do anything

Everyone liked my ex, even after he held a knife to my throat. Abusers are frequently charming, likeable men. They dont have horns. That is one reason why they get away with abuse for so long.

'Sadly, no... I wouldn't really like to leave both of them to him now. Not only because of the argument (not his job etc), I think he wouldn't know where to start with them... they are full on... '

This doesn't sound like you think he is capable. You are contradicting yourself. Do you actually think he could cope on his own with your DCs? If not, is this because he is not capable (e.g. he would have no clue what to do), or because he wouldn't make any effort, or because you don't like the way he looks after them?

So he forgot to feed the kids once. That's pretty crappy, but you can't just never expect him to look after them again because of this. He HAS to learn. They are HIS kids. It is absolutely unacceptable for a father to have gone 2 years having never looked after his kids on his own. Really quite unbelievable.

I'd say that if you asked his first wife why the marriage broke down, you'd probably find yourself grudgingly agreeing with her.

I've read the thread now and he sounds an ASS. My x was abusive, I left him because he was abusive to me, and yet I could still have trusted him to feed the children. He had the same attitude to childcare as your husband and believed it was my role, and he didn't value that. But at least he wouldn't leave the children hungry in their own shit. He'd sort it out and then later bitch at me for not having been there to do it. But I think what your husband does is WORSE.

BTW I agree with you OP that it is not always as easy as just going on strike. But there is a middle ground.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't leave the kids with him for an hour or two on a sunday, prearranged if necessary so you all know where you stand. Hell, even plan it so they don't need feeding if you're that worried. But make SOME change, put your foot down about something, for all of your sakes.

Did he forget to feed the kids cos he was playing with them and entertaining them?
I have a friend who tells me that she expects the kids to be mucky and not had tea when Dad looks after them because (a) men just don't think like women (ie practical!!!), and (b) they're wrapped up in whatever they're doing and time flies.

I agree Fiona - it depends on his reason. My DH has forgotten all sorts of core childcare things (nappies, drinks etc), but the kids have survived!

Harimo, you may borrow my magic wand, give it a shake and he'll magically appreciate everything you do for him and your DC

Alternatively, tell him you love that you have the opportunity to spend time raising your DC but that he needs to take on a more active role in being a parent and spell out exactly what that means to you. If he can't deal with that, then he's just an arse, I'm sorry.

In which case, don't do his laundry, don't shop for his stuff and let him cook for himself...

You know what, I couldn't be bothered, if your DH can't see that you entitled to a break, some time for yourself as a person and you don't feel able to tell him in case he gets upset or grumpy, well I just don't know why you bother with hin. What exactly do you get out of this?

But what do you suggest Dittany? She either makes small steps to get more equality and freedom, or she leaves him. And I don't think she's going to leave him.

Sorry to seem unkind to you , that's not what I want. But my x treated me like this and as Dittany said, I was outraged, spent years trying to get him to be reasonable, he couldn't be and wouldn't be. I saw his behaviour as abusive. Thank God he's history now. Raising kids on your own is easier than raising them 'with' somebody who doesn't help... I don't have any feelings of not being appreciated.

We get that he's not around mon-fri, but I think you should go away for a weekend. Don't ask his permission. TELL him. Does he ask your permission to go away. SEE how he reacts when you tell him you will be finally, finally taking a long overdue break. If he reacts as though you're is incompetent employee chancing her arm,,,,,,, then maybe it will be an eye-opener?

dittany - what kind of thing? Forgot to give them dinner? Well I wouldn't be over the moon, but it would depend on why...
I think you're a bit eager to cry abuse IMO, the OP is a grown woman saying she is largely pleased with her life, and it sounds like her husband is lazy (a lot of men are) - but to go down the abused women route is potentially ott.
Surely all you need to do OP is tell your husband that you're feeling underappreciated and why...and see what he says?!

GAHHHH!! WUbblybubbly.... THAT'S THE POINT!!

I DON'T do his laundry, I DON'T do his cooking. HE is'nt here during the week.

ALl his stuff is catered for. THere is no way me 'going on strike' is going to hit anyone other than me and the kids.

It's like being a single parent with the other parent ptiching up at weekends complaineding about the things that haven't been done, but not noticing all the things that HAVE been done.

Yes, I was angry when my x threw out my things. If he'd given away my dog,,,,, without even a word of discussion.

But I think that this does bother the OP more than she's admitted to before this thread. The can of worms has opened perhaps.

Nobody can carry on like this and stay sane..

Harimo, I fear you don't stand a chance on MN. If you admit to having a husband who doesn't do much at home and who thinks you don't do much either, you will provoke cries of 'leave the abusive bastard' and 'do nothing and see how he likes it' - when any sane person knows it doesn't work that way.

I share your pain. My DH goes one better by working from home . I came to the conclusion yonks ago that you have to either put up with it or change it. For me, putting up with it works better than trying to change it. Instead, I look at what he is good at, and feel lucky overall that I don't have to go out to work. I haven't had a night away from home in eight years, and have started going to the hairdresser and shops again now that they are both at school.

I have also found that sometimes I just have to ask. I can drop as many subtle hints as I like about how hard I work with the DCs and how I never get anything done, and he doesn't appear to hear what I'm really saying (namely: appreciate what I do, you sod, and give me the occasional afternoon off). When I asked straight out if he could look after the children while I went to meet university friends for the day, he did it perfectly readily. He even volunteered to take the children out for the day last Sunday.

That was interesting, as I'd previously have said no, on the grounds that the children are my job, and he will feed them scones for lunch, get cross with them for minor incidents, and generally do a rubbish job. In other words, I am being controlling in my own way. In this instance, I thought: sod it, and said yes, because I really, really had had enough, and I knew he was going to be abroad all this week. I felt as if I had been on a three-week cruise when they came back full of ice-cream five hours later. I hadn't done anything but dig the garden and play the piano, but that was utter bliss.

I don't know that this is hugely helpful. I just wanted to give you a different perspective from the 'he is an evil abuser' one.

I actually think it's more odd that a grown woman didn't put her foot down and say no to getting rid of the dog. SOrry Harimo, just saying it as I see it.

And yes, my lovely dog is a big sticking point.

He's such a wonderful, wonderful dog.