to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

She does say that she loves her life. But I recognise that as a technique in denial, bargaining with yourself when you're too paralysed to take action, too anaesthetised to risk allowing yourself to really think objectively.

I don't really see why you can't get away just for a few hours even, if he's home at the weekends? maybe not this weekend but next?

kimberley totally with you.

Sorry OP, talking about you like you're not here.

I used to tell myself a load of bullshit. I used to say to myself, what is happy?! who is really happy? how many marriages are really truly successful? so how many people am I comparing myself too??

But it didn't work. I eventually realised reading some old family histories that my grandfather treated my grandmother with a lot more kindness and respect and equality. That kind of shook me.

MMM, she can't get away because at the moment the relationship is functioning because OP 'puts up and shuts up'. As soon as she makes a demand there will by a war, and he holds all the power doesn't he? It's scary to let that hare out of the trap before you've properly identified your own feelings I think.

So does he shop at weekends? Does he cook at weekends? Does he bathe the DC, put them to bed, read them a story?

Tbh Harimo, it sounds like he rolls up on a Friday night with his white dust checker gloves then sits with his paper in front of his face til Sunday night.

Do you actually want time for yourself? Do you have friends you'd like to see, or even just getting your hair done, going shopping on your own?

Why can't you just say I'm doing this for myself this weekend, you'll have to take care of the DC?

Dittany, for the first time ever, I really, really agree with you.

Great post Kimberley.

Although I could never put up with 8 years of no help/free-time, I totally agree with the second half of your post. Exactly the point I have been trying to make.

I too am controlling in my own way, and recognise that whilst I am not responsible for my DH's laziness, I AM responsible for my 'might as well do it myself' mentality.

dittany point taken.

However all I'm trying to get across is what kimberley put much more eloquently.

A lot of men's "laziness" is actually women's own high expectations/standards and desire for control and things to be done their way.

I'm not slagging women off, I'm speaking from my own experiences. Sometimes it is men just being lazy toads, but sometime we need to cut them some slack. It's very difficult to ascertain from a MN thread what the scenario is here.

I put up with it for 8 years, although it escalated iykwim.

But I think the reason I finally got OUT was because my father is a kind decent person and my parents have a good marriage. I knew every time my x abused me that he was lazy and nasty and a narcissist and a controlling bully. I never thought he was right that I was too stupid to cook a ready meal or whatever other insult he fired at me. So, I really sympathise with anybody whose father treated them like a serf as well.

You see, I think Harimo's problem here is that up 'til now, she's been perfectly happy ot go along with this. It's not been a problem to her therefore.
I'm not quite sure what's changed recently. But it's going to be one heck of a shock to the status quo if she suddenly chucks her toys out of the pram now.
You see, from Day One with my DH, I've been fiercely protective of the idea of fairness in our household and guard it like a hawk. So the minute he looked liked huffing and puffing about the state of the house or "women's work" or changing nappies or getting up in the night or whatever, he'd have got an earful about it. So he's well-trained now.
I think it's going to take one hell of an effort to train this guy, Haribo. And I know you say you're happy with your lot, and enjoy doing these things, I'm afraid a lot of what you've posted contradicts that.

Bugger, Dittany,... YOu got me crying now.

Absolutely. The monster will be unleashed. And sorry OP, I think that's what's going to happen when you stand up to him. But you must. You can't let your children see you being treated like an incompetent employee.

Harimo, don't you usually agree with Dittany?

How can you not agree with Dittany. I think you need to go to counselling on your own to raise your self esteem as an individual and as a woman.

I'm so sorry, HariMO!

Harimo - does he ever talk about the relationship he has with his older children.

From what you've said - its not the type of relationship you're going to want him to have with your dc's. Any way of getting him to think about how he could work to improve things - you know - do stuff together that they'll enjoy.

But Dittany seems to have got to the nub of the problem really - as she often does

Crying is good Harimo. It means the anaesthetic is wearing off. Good for you.

Harimo, what has changed recently?
Are you wondering what would happen if you weren't around?

No, no one else thinks things are 'wrong'. My parents have a very similar relationshipnIYSWIM. Father gets him own way no matter what.

ANd, Clam, yes, I do worry if I wasn't around and I have made provision for that.

Thankyou. I can always count on you guys.

Thanks, Fiona and Undercover.

I sometimes have a cold sweat about what would happen if I weren't around. But then I think that DH would really just have to muddle through in his own way, and would probably be grateful for nobody looking over his shoulder tut-tutting at what a crap job he was doing.

I don't want to comment specifically on the OP, as I think it's impossible to get inside someone else's head and relationship. Relationships are so very complex that no MN thread could explain why we conduct them in the way we do. All I want is to offer another view. (And, no, I wasn't conditioned by my father to expect women to do everything!)

As a woman who works full time, has worked away a hell of a lot and has earned twice as much as DP for as long as I can remember your DH is an utter arse. Working hard and earning more money is no get out from family responsibility.

I worked away from home during the week for nearly two years when DS was young and I never came home for a weekend and expected to be exempt from all household duties. What planet is he on?? I wanted to spend time with my DS, care for him and do normal domestic, family stuff.

And he gave away your dog?? Fuck me. If DP had done that to my cat he'd have been out on his arse! Even though he was the one at home during the week.

It's like the OP's H is some Victorian aristo, popping back at the weekend to smile at the children, pat them on the head and then letting Nanny continue her duties.

Please OP, stop enabling him. Have the flu one weekend. No one can be so stupid not to know children need feeding.

Harimo

If you're afraid to talk straight with him - it's not an equal partnership - he's controlling you.

Might explain why your anger's not come up. Posters are starting to feel YOUR anger for you.