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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

246 replies

Harimo · 16/07/2010 16:24

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

OP posts:
valiumSingleton · 17/07/2010 09:47

I think he's created a situation where she can't leave him with the children because the last time he 'forgot' to feed them. Very cunning.

Bobbalina · 17/07/2010 11:48

Padmehum "Going to work, having a coffee with your colleagues and dealing with adults all day, is always easier than dealing with unpredictable toddlers." I disagree unless you have a low stress job or one that you enjoy.

Dealing with toddlers at home is a piece of cake compared to my work I can assure you ( I work part time). I think the OP will never convince her dh that she is working hard (although she clearly is) by trying the approach of claiming that she works harder than he does. There are solutions but I think they all hinge on the dh understanding the stresses and strains that his dw is under - surely talking about things should be enough if this is fundamentally a good relationship??

If talking about it won't help then I would say that the relationship is on very shakey ground and playing games of "withdrawing labour" is not sensible imo.

swallowedAfly · 17/07/2010 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foureleven · 17/07/2010 12:22

I think you're right bobbalina its about the OPs DH not valuing her work.

if she starts to make out like she has a harder time than him then she would be devaluing his.

My ex and I used to constantly point score on who did what and who was working harder, who deserved more of a break etc etc and it can only lead to resentment.

My currant partner and I are more likely to argue that we have it easier than the other one and try to do more to help each other.

They say that if there is true love between two people then you never have to put yourself first as the other person will always do this for you.

dittany · 17/07/2010 13:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 17/07/2010 13:27

exactly dittany, but not valuing him i.e. by going on strike, or by telling him that her life at home is harder than his at work is not the answer.

It can only lead to point scoring where both parties argue as to why they are working harder. I a true partnership neither should work harder than the other.

The reality is that anyone who has been at home with two young children all day - day in day out knows its flippin knackering! But as someone else said, being the one working outside of the home for long hours and having all the financial burden is no walk in the park.

It is quite clear that he needs to show that he values Harrimo by doing half of the work in the home that is required to be done after he finishes work.

But striking isnt the way to go about it. What if he isnt enjoying being the wage earner.. should he go on strike??!

foureleven · 17/07/2010 13:30

I would be very interested to know how the discussions went before harimo had children..

Did he make it clear what he thought your role would be?

Did you ask his views on equality in the home?

dittany · 17/07/2010 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 17/07/2010 13:36

ive obviously missed a big chunk of this then...

dittany · 17/07/2010 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

takingtheplunge · 17/07/2010 13:57

Harimo It's me,Macaco from the post natal thread. I'm so sorry you're still going thru this crap with DH. He is an arse and an utter bastard to you and treats you like shit. Always has done. Dittany is right, he bullies you and doesn't value you. You deserve so so so much more than being treated as sub human by him. I'm so sorry he made you give the dog away and I really hope for your sake and your kids sake that you can't get away from this controlling man. Did he make you give up the teaching course too? I remember him being very negative about that.
You do know he's being manipulative and abusive, don't you?

Sending you hugs, I often think of you..

ilovemydogandMrObama · 17/07/2010 14:23

"The devaluing of her work is a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself."

It's a good point.

I kind of get the feeling that Harimo tolerates the situation because he is away so much and justifies why it isn't that bad -- i.e: that for all intents and purposes she is a single mum, but is being financially supported. She says she likes her life. Is part of this the fact that he isn't there most of the time?

foureleven · 17/07/2010 14:46

Far enough, and absolutely right you are dittany.

bluecardi · 17/07/2010 14:46

I don't think the in at the deep end will work with your dh. What about some family days out instead to get you together as a family.

brightwell1 · 17/07/2010 20:41

This thread is like a bad car crash. In typical mumsnet style, the "child abusing, bullying, controlling, good for nothing hopeless father of a DH" has been tried and found guilty on the basis of what is almost certainly NOT the whole story.

Only took about 10 posts before the "leave him" mantra was wheeled out by someone. Never seen that before on here

For example, the OP mentioned the DH had an ex (without any elaboration) and the IMMEDIATE assumption was that she had left him due to the behaviour he is being accused of on this thread. Seems like it was the other way round. So, not the whole story there.

Seems like on one of the posts by the OP that the dog isn't an issue and was on the way back until the parents got in the way. Still the "child abusing, bullying, controlling, good for nothing hopeless father of a DH" continues to get a caning for that too.

The OP at one point even mentioned that they "love their life" but nobody picked up on that. Out came more posts about the inadequacies of the DH.

People were even talking about DH not giving any money to the OP (on the basis of NO information whatsover by anyone about finances) until someone at least sensibly pointed out the existence of joint accounts.

No relationship is perfect (take my word for it) but the conclusions drawn by some people on this thread based on the information given are laughable in my view. Who REALLY knows what goes on in a relationship between two people? You can't know it fully and even "real" friends of ours who we see regularly face to face, you still can't know it. So, how all the judgemental ones on here hiding behind their keyboards can give such a clear view of what's really going on is beyond me.

Looks like all is not well, so why not talk to DH instead of feeding him to the vultures on here? How would you feel if you were being trashed by a bunch of people on an internet forum based on your DH's gripes about you in your relationship? He's bound to have some, we all have love.

And that's why I don't post on here much anymore.....

Original poster
Harimo · 17/07/2010 21:12

Thanks Brightwell1 - I do appreciate that.

I do love my DH. He is a good man and a good dad.

I don't want to change my life. I just want a little more recognition.

I'll take your advice and talk to him instead of posting on MN.

ta... to all of you...

OP posts:
KimberleySakamoto · 17/07/2010 21:21

Well said, brightwell. You said exactly what I was trying to say.

pigletmania · 17/07/2010 21:21

Good luck Harimo, it does not sound from your op that he is a good dad, not spending time with dcs, refusing to do personal care, not feeding them etc. Yes you do have to talk to him and be assertive, good luck.

pigletmania · 17/07/2010 21:25

sorry and I meant by reading other info that you gave to Harimo

springchik · 17/07/2010 21:54

Been watching this thread with interest but afar as I feel you have a few things in common with my situation. I am also a sahm. My dh works very long hours and often doesnt see the dc on working days. He has 2 or 3 rest days off a week (thats what his company calls them!) Not necessarily weekends. He too would (and frequesntly has) go ballistic if he walked into an untidy house

He is involved on his days off too but on his terms. For example he will change a nappy but then after that will say your turn for the rest of the day! He will very occaionally let me lay in but will make the boys wait till I get up till they get breakfast.Hes always saying this is supposed to be my day off. Have never and will never leave them both on their own with him

bossyboop · 17/07/2010 22:13

Harimo i will be honest and say i havent read any other posts than yours as after reading yours i felt inspired to give my own take on the situation.

I totally get where you are coming from, im a sahm and wish dh could try a walk in my shoes sometimes as a couple of hours on an evening and few hours on weekends in between his hectic social life is not the same as doing my job as sahm.

I explain to him that although he works hard and may be physically tired, i am mentally tired and emotionally drained and heres why...

DH goes to work, he has something to look forward to - hometime and weekends aka time off. As a sahm i feel im clocked in 24/7 theres no distinction between home and work as it all merges into one, theres no ditinction between days and nights, weekdays and weekends, every day is a week day. The washing doesnt stop needing to be done because its a saturday. When I was working I did childcare mon-fri and worked weekends when dh would do the childcare. Did washing get done, was the hoovering done? Nothing was done, when i was doing the childcare it all got done. When he worked mon - fri he came home to cooked meals, when i worked weekends i still had to come home and cook the family meal and do washing. So the little bit of childcare he did was more like playtime and was not a true portrayal of how i spend my days so he thought i had it easy.

In all honesty i dont think dh will ever fully appreciate what i do but I recently read in a magazine an article about under appreciated women and basically it said while some men are wonderful and will tell you to put your feet up and they will run the hoover over a lot of men dont and if you wait for them to give you a break you will never get one so you have to give yourself a break. SO ive started taking some me time, even if just going for a bath but spending time afterwards with mp3 player on and emerging 3 hours later. Exellent way to block out the chaos that is dh being in charge and i feel so much better. Plus being left to it gives him more insight into what my days are like.

takingtheplunge · 18/07/2010 08:45

Harimo said.....

HIm looking after them tomorrow is a no-go. (and, yes, I would like to point out that if I needed an appt, I just have to do it around the kids)

I get a lie in one morning on a weekend until 7am. DH gets up with DD (she gets up at 5am) but I have to get up with DS and give them breakfast.

Dh doesn't feed them Last time I left him with both kids, he didn't feed them. Even though I left it on the side for him with spoons.

I haven't left him with them again.

He gets stressed and shouts at them, which I don't like.

Yes, sometimes I do see his behaviour as bullying. He made me give my (gorgeous, wonderful, precious) Ddog to my parents cos he didn't like the mess. even though he's only here on weekends and I do the cleaning.

SO, yes, I do feel unable to speak up at times. And I do feel the need to 'keep the peace' even when it's possibly not my role to do so.

Plus the comment about going "ballistic" if he come shome and the house isn't pristine, when you've been looking after v young children all day.

I honestly don't know how you stand any of this.

How is this anything other than nasty and bullying? He's not just a bit lazy. How can anyone live like this? I am so for you. It won't help talking to him because he'll never appreciate you because HE is the only important person in the world. All of the above is NOT the behaviour of a nice man. It is the behaviour of a manipulative bully.

takingtheplunge · 18/07/2010 08:50

He is NOT a good husband or father. I'm not sure why you can't see this. Providing financially and then being a tyrant/not feeding, playing with, changing the children/giving away your beloved pet/going "ballistic" at your housekeeping/controlling your money/belittling your career choices is not being a good husband and father. It is bullying. Someone who loves and values his family does not behave in this way.

takingtheplunge · 18/07/2010 08:58

What does this man do APART from provide financially that makes him a good husband and father?

And even the providing financially is in his interests as well. I'm assuming he enjoys the status and money it gives him, even if it is hard work? I'm assuming he also reaps the benefits of being a high earner in terms of living in a nice house and having nice holidays? It's not like he's out there slogging his guts out and getting NO enjoyment from it, is it? And he gets 2 days off, while you get "told off" for not having the house spotless?

I think I'm going to step away from this thread because the injustice and unfairness of it all is getting to me.

AsiaMajor · 18/07/2010 09:18

Firstly, I agree with most of the ladies here, status quo is not acceptable. I would be less worried about his "appreciation", but more worried about your kids relationship with their dad if he basically spends no time with them and just acts like a human cash point.

I understand why you want to tread carefully with this - don't necessarily agree, but understand.

Here is what I would do. Find a reason to be away from home for half a day alone. (Your Mom needs help, you are volunteering whatever will seem to HIM like a good reason.) Tell him well in advance when this will be, get his agreement to look after the kids. Leave food in the fridge and the house clean, with instructions if you want. Then go out! Don't be swayed and stay home on the day, have a friend or babysitter lined up if he tries to let you down at the last minute.

If he point blank refuses to look after them, even in principle, you have a real problem!

You can't stay at home for the next 15 years until kids are old enough to look after themselves. Even he has to see that and it will give you a good basis for further discussion. "Mom strike" sounds counterproductive to me. Being reasonable at all times, probably a better approach, especially with someone who himself seems on the unreasonable side.

Once you have done it once, do it again, more frequently and for longer periods.

It is a little bit manipulative, if you will, but in this case honey may catch more flies than vinegar and will be easier on you and the kids.

Good luck!

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