to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

OK - My DH also works long hours etc etc. I am a SAHM to 3 dc's - 5,2 and nearly 1.

How we work it is a bit like you in that the house is my domain and am definitely the primary childcarer. But he is immensely appreciative of what we do and we do think of it as a partnership.

I also do get to go out, eg, am going shopping and for drinks tomorrow so he'll look after them all day. I have prepared dinner in advance but thats because I wanted to. He also takes the children out a lot at weekends on bikes/to park etc.

So - if I were you - I'd start throwing some money at the problem if he's good at 'providing' that. So get a cleaner/part time nanny/babysitter and make some time for yourself.

And go out for dinner with him and talk about your roles - he needs to start showing some appreciation of all that you do.

Or is this actually just a symptom of some much bigger problems?

i dont know if the strike idea is good because its only your dc who will suffer for those few days if you did that
but better to talk to him and make him understand that you dont feel appreciated and that you dont just sit doing nothing at all.
yanbu to be sad about this he should give some recognition of what you are doing, its not always easy when you are doing it nearly alone as dh always @ work.

You're getting some very good advice here from much more reasonable women than me, I do hope that you're able to bring this up with your DH OP. It seems like you're all losing out at the moment in one way or another.

The only way he will understand is if you go out and leave him to look after HIS children for the day, maybe even book yourself into a hotel so you can have a huge lie in!

Thing's will not change unless you want them to.

There is no way on god's earth I would put up with my husband being as selfish as yours is. I am a person as well as a mother, I need time for myself, time with my friends, if I don't get it I get very miserable and feel very put upon and that's not fair on anyone.

You could just ignore what we've all said and hire a cleaner and an au pair but I don't think that it would benefit your children as much as having their dad do more with them.

As others have said being a parent is about caring for your children as well as providing for them.

I doubt you can change anything without a frank (and maybe heated) discussion with your husband. You should EXPECT that your husband will do his whack at weekends, not be GRATEFUL if he offers you a few crumbs of so called help. Of course he can feed the children, of course he can change nappies. Can't and Won't are not the same thing.

So talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel. This is not 1950 - being the breadwinner does not make you a superior being who is to be mollycoddled and bowed down to.

does he shout at you, Harimo?

Harimo

Only you can decide what you are going to do.

I have read some of your other posts and I can understand why you don't want to leave the DC's with him (he would literally do nothing, they would be wet/dirty & hungry when she got back).

Personally, I couldn't/wouldn't live with someone who thought so little of me, our children and our family - but if you choose to stay with him, then I think this is as good as it gets.... is this what you want from life??

No, Brightlight I don't.

I probably let them get away with too much (according to my mother) but they are good kids and bar the odd incident (DS went through a period of biting) I don't feel the need to shout at them.

I discipline them. We have a naughty corner (which gets used). They are brilliant kids to be honest. I am very proud of them.

I'm going to take a bit of time to re-read the thread. ATM, I know I'm being a bit 'oh, I can't do that' but I guess I have to.

It's just most of the time, I feel on the back foot - it's most usually my DH who has a problem with things or is in a bad mood, so I try to make up for it.

Sadly, no... I wouldn't really like to leave both of them to him now. Not only because of the argument (not his job etc), I think he wouldn't know where to start with them... they are full on...

OP - this situation has not just come about because of your husband's attitude/behaviour, but because of yours as well.

Your DCs have TWO parents, and BOTH of you need to realise this. You want it both ways IMO. You want to talk about how hard life is and how you are unappreciated, and yet even if your DH was to take more responsibility, you wouldn't like it.

IMO NEITHER of you are being fair to your children, who need a relationship and time alone with both parents.

Sorry to be harsh OP, but you need to take a step back and look at both of you, not just your DH.

Sorry, when did I say I wouldn't like it?

I'd love him to.

I just don't want to force him because if HE doesn't want to, I don't think he'll be wanting to look out for what the kids need.

If HE WANTED to it would be totally differnt.

he needs to be left with them and he needs to do what you have done and LEARN to cope.

What if you were to be hospitalised? They would be left with a father who can't cope!

Wow.

I have a DH who for years held down two job,s one self employed and one nighths. He still half when he was about, why would he not? It's not as if you get the true fun of being a parent eitehr if you just hand them to soemone else. I mean what is the point?
he is a poor parent; you can be a low earner and involved so a good parent but you can;'t be a high earner and univolved and a good parent.

Seriously love, his ass needs a bit of a kicking: not threatening divorce or screaming heebies but just rpoesent him with a fait acciompli: what will he do? Say no? Precisely what righth would he have to do that anyway?

I suppose one problem I have is that I love my life. I love being with the kids. I don't find it a problem at all.

I just want to be APPRECIATED for it.

Does that make sense? I don't even want some massive change in our life, I just want him to appreciate that I don't have some sort of piss easy life whereas his life is so hard (which it is, I'm not trying to under estimate how hard he works... that's one of my problems - I DO try to appreciate how hard he has it)

And yes, agree wqith dittany.

there is a serious imbalance in this marriage and if you are scared of his moods then its a bad thing.

I'm afraid he doesn't sound very nice.

You need to be more high-maintenance. He can obviously be kicked into touch if his ex got au pairs.

But you HAVE to drop him in at the deep end, even if its just for 30 minutes. I remember thinking when my DS had just started crawling, and DD was a real handful (and DH was leaving bits of bike parts scattered round the place!) how was I ever going to leave them with DH now they were both mobile, and would they end up in one piece at the end of it.

But I HAD to, cos otherwise there would always be a reason not to, and DH had to experience it to learn how to cope with it, just like I had to.

It is your responsibility (especially if your DH obviously isn't stepping up of his own accord) to instigate it, and help your DH to experience it on his own. If you don't now, when will you? When your DCs are teenagers?

I know I'm being harsh, and I know how hard it is to see the wood for the trees and to relinquish control (especially to someone who isn't volunteering), but it has to be done IMO.

You mention in your OP that it is important to him to provide financially for his children because his father didn't.

Perhaps you could ask him whether he thinks he's a good dad?

Because he's not.

'I just don't want to force him because if HE doesn't want to, I don't think he'll be wanting to look out for what the kids need.

Would he neglect them?

So what happens if you died tomorrow?

If the answer is he would simply not feed them etc if you weren't there then you are married to a twunt. I love being a SAHM too; but I don''t think I would want to be the only one getting enjoyment from it.

If he would feed them but not be 100% happy- well? There's plenty we do that makes us not 100% happy surely? DH is washing up atm: not a first choice but heck, it's what you do, part of the deal.

Harimo - is he better with his older dc's? Does he do stuff with them and is he involved in their lifes?

I gues she ahs built up a concept of fatehring based on what he didn't get.

That's not the way to go though: the father to be is the one you would like your sons to be to their kids one day.

perfection is not required by some kind of effort most certainly is.