to feel a bit sad that DH thinks I do nothing?

[Harimo]

I have DS (25MO) and DD (12MO).
I live alone Monday to Friday and don't get any much help from DH on weekends.

The house and kids are MY job.

I'm not complaining. I love my kids and I love being able to be at home with them.

my DH works hard and provides for us all financially - he has two DDs from a previous relationship too. (which I know is important as his father didn't do it for him)

But, I'm feeling a bit because it would seem he really doesn't think I DO anything.

I read threads on here about how being at home with kids is harder than anything, and certainly his ex has demanded live-in au-pairs while her kids were young.

But, somehow, I'm just expected to get on with it. I do enjoy being with them. I don't find it a massive hardship at all. I really don't. But, it's still a 24/7 job and I'd like a little recognition.

I do appreciate that his job is very difficult and he needs time off... but he doesn't seem to feel the same...

I don't want to really change the situation... I am happy with my life, but I'd like him to appreciate my input into our family.

AIBU? (I don't think so) and how do I go about changing it? (Without a massive argument?)

No, tracey, If I'm really honest, he's pretty much the same with the elder kids.

He needs to get his head around the fact that providing financially for your children is not the same as parenting.

He may be their biological father, but he doesn't sound like much of a dad.

Oh Harimo - it sounds like for whatever reason he just doesn't know/want to know how to be an active and involved father then.

I personally wouldn't want to live like that - I do think you need to talk to him about this.

Is he good at 'emotional' conversations - would he consider relate or something?

I think this is quite common of a lot of men .

Its not ideal and children certainly do benefit from hands on dads but as a mum of 3 my dh doesnt really do anything for/with them,its always been me,whether Ive been working or not (and even when I had quite a senior job I ended up reducing my hours to fit around yet another change of his job )....my dc are getting older now and they know whats gone on and quite definitely they have a far closer relationship with me.

theres a saying anyone can be a father it takes a real man to be a Dad.

I'm confused, what did he actually say when you asked him (assuming you did?) why the heck he couldn't be arsed to feed his own kids?

Yes, I know it's not right.

I honestly wouldn't mind if DH really appreciated what I did / do.. It's the fact that he doesn't. He just doesn't get it.

He never refused to feed the kids... he just didn't think about it. That's what get's to me. It's not that he's ever nasty, he just wouldn't think about it.

I do think our relationship is a bit 'he shouts how high and I jump'... no (to whoever asked, he rarely shouts. but he doesn't need to. He has, what would I say... a presence. You don't argue with him.

His ex is EXTREMELY HIGH MAINTENENCE (Impossible to actually explain how high!) So I can understand where his reticence comes from. She has fleeced him for I don't know how much and refused to let him have any meaningful relationship with the kids.

That is where some of that comes from. The only input he is allowed into DSDs lives is financially, so the more he can pay, the more input he gets (PAY PER VIEW, anyone?????)... but that is how it is.

So, he is stuck in a cycle of having to earn lots just to keep them in this lifestyle... so HE feels stuck in this job, but it's not for me or our kids.

Far TMI, I would guess.

I can't get my head round this idea that he didn't feed the children - is he some sort of sadist? Surely they must have been crying and asking for food (well, not the baby, of course)? What happened when you got home? That is madness.

Harimo - is he quite a bit older than you? Sorry to ask so many questions.

x-posts, harimo. He didn't think to feed the children - FGS, are they not human then? They are not dogs or something that you might forget to feed.......... sheesh, what a set-up.

hmm.... i can only agree with what others have said. until he knows what it's like to deal with DC's on his own, he can't/won't appreciate exactly how hard you do work and recognise the huge sacrifices you are making in order to be a SAHM.

the only other suggestion i have is to ask your parents to babysit one night, go out for a nice meal with him and have a chat about exactly how you feel. talk him through your day, mon-fri when he is not home. explain just what you do for the kids, and then ask him what would he do if you suddenly weren't here tomorrow? you deserve a medal, as do the vast majority of women raising children. i don't think a bit of appreciation is too much to ask at all.

would you not consider nursery, maybe 1 day a week for the two dc's so that you can have a few hours to yourself to just chill/get your hair done? you do sound like you need a break.

To answer the question that the OP actually asked, you could say "D'you know, (D)H, I've been reading a very interesting book called Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing and it talks about how all the millions of little things that I do all day for our children add up to a helluva lot. I really related to it, because I sometimes feel as though I don't have anything to show for what I do [we all feel like that sometimes OP] but this book reassured me in black and white that I do an extraordinary job, and I do it well, and I do it 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, no holidays or time off for good behaviour. Would you like to read it (D)H? You might find it interesting too, because sometimes I feel as though you don't understand or appreciate what I do. Perhaps it is because you are away all week, and don't see what I do. For example, just today I have... [list the billion things you have done]... and I hadn't realised quite how much I do until I read this book."

My DH leaves home at 7am and gets in at 8pm (if he is lucky). He doesn't see the kids from Sunday night until Friday night (when DS1 is allowed to stay up later).

If he tried the BS your DH is, he would be looking for a new wife. When he is here the kids are 50/50.

How can you be married to a man who can't/won't even look after his own kids?

I think he's taking his stresses out on you. In addition, it sounds like his ex makes impossible demands and has him by the short and curlies. Lack of control about seeing his older DDs, leading to controlling behaviour with you. I agree with pisceslondon. I think you shouldn't ask permission, just book a dinner and summon him there. Have one night with you and him to discuss things in a neutral environment. Maybe also there are practical and legal steps he can take to gain regular access to his DDs. You could support him to do this and he may loosen up a bit about his unrealistic expectations. One issue over which you shouldn't let him off the hook is his disengagement from your children. It's not on!! hmm

Have you read the Women's Aid definition of emotional abuse? 'cos it sounds familiar...

I'm not really surprised he has an ex-wife when he treats women like this.

If this is what you think love is then you need a self-esteem boost.

here's a thought. NOT an excuse, just something to consider/ask him.

maybe he feels guilty about the idea of giving your DCs the attention he can't give his older DCs?

I'm so glad you didn't have to take DS with you when giving birth to DD . You are allowing him to get away with murder by accepting that the entire childcare/household routine is your responsibility.

foreverastudent... You made me smile.

Ironic, but he left his ex, but he left his ex., ot the other way round and she'd take him back in a heartbeat.

If you met him, you'd like him. He's an extremely likeable chap. He really is.

mathsmadmummy - maybe.... I do think you are on to soemthing....

But mainly, I really do think it's because he really does think I sit around drinking tea. And, to be fair, both the kids are FAR FAR FAR FAR better behaved for me. Actually, saying that, so are my DSDs.

Yeah, but if you met him, Ditanny you would like him.

He finds it far easier to make friends than i do.

He doesn't sound likeable in the slightest.

My DP can be pretty rubbish, leaves most of the housework to me and often needs the bleeding obvious pointing out - but he wouldn't forget to feed his kids and is not frightened to take DD to the park for an hour after work.

He's not frightened to do it.

he's perfectly capable. I never said he he wasn't. he just doesn't want to. He thinks his weekends are his time off.

He forgot to feed DS, but he did give him formula (which DS loves with a passion) so DS wasn't complaining, IYSWIM.

My point was (and is) that he doesn't get that I would like some time off too.

He oesn't get that kids are a full time job.

If you can't leave him to do your job for a couple of days then why not make a list of exactly how you fill your time in the day. That way he'll see that you're not just sat on your arse all day. Though maybe he'll still see it as non-work or go "well you like doing the shopping." Maybe that's it- maybe he thinks because you enjoy your role that makes it not work.