Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

"I neither care nor know how she supports herself."

So you have no idea how she makes her money? I find that hard to believe.

Her handbags might be coming out of her own pocket, presumably she takes your son on holiday with her. She might already be putting money in a savings account for him. How do you know you only buy his clothes? You only see him every other week, how do you know what he's wearing the rest of the time?

Presumeably she feeds your son, clothes him, provides electric, gas and a roof over his head?

You sound really nice .

Oh yea, and provides full time care for him while she or instead of working??

"As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife." Perfectly reasonable imo

Either pay more than you feel you should WILLINGLY or go to the CSA. Either are better than your current abuse of power.

Child support monies are a contribution to living expenses in general; this can be mortgage, rent, bills, money for a cleaner, money for the windowcleaner, running a car, going out for dinner, food, cleaning stuff, plants for the garden, petrol for the lawnmower, holidays. I'm not sure how someone could produce comprehensive receipts.

You sound a bit controlling, I hope you don't mind me being honest about that. You resent her being able to afford handbags and holidays. Why? Do you want her to be living without electricity, on bread and dripping, regretting the day she left you? It is MUCH MUCH better for your son if you and your ex wife are happy and respectful to one another. Otherwise you are both going to seethe with resentment, which is horrid and actually really boring for everyone around you (and very unattractive). And your son is going to end up paying the price with an unhappy childhood and possibly lots of counselling later in life.

Good luck,

Her capacity to earn is significantly reduced if she works around school hours - or her income is if she pays for childcare.

So yes you are compensating your wife for that and in a sense supporting her.

Your post has made me feel quite OP.

ooh you are brave!

You will be lynched for suggesting you ask for receipts. It does seem a tad patronising towards a grown woman.

Find out what the CSA would expect you to pay. Work out what you reckon you spend in addition to the maintenance.

Then work out how much you'd spend in childcare, food, clothes, etc if you had your child full-time with you whilst you worked full-time.

I bet the childcare would cost more. How much would your career progression suffer if you had a child to look after full-time?

Also, think how your son would feel if he knew you begrudged the cost of looking after him.

Your ex-wife is bearing the brunt of bringing up your child in more ways than financial.

I agree with you OP. You should be paying for your son, not your ex wife. Unfortunately you won't get much support on here I'm afraid.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her where the money is going, particularly if you are buying everything else as well. She sounds like she is taking the piss a bit tbh. I like the trust fund idea, makes sure your son has something for the future and you clearly show that you have your sons best interests at heart.

If she is a single mum, there are other ways that will pay her rent and help towards bills. Maybe a small contribution is necessary since your son lives there, but it is not your job to pay all her bills for her.

"Also, think how your son would feel if he knew you begrudged the cost of looking after him."

The OP doesn't begrudge paying for his son. He begrudges paying for his ex. As he said, the money he gives her isn't going on things for the son as he buys all that as well.

Where does the OP say he is paying for everything else as well.

Why should he not support the mother of his child while she cares for him??

Let's forget the fact that your ex-wife clothes, feeds and houses your son and pays his share of fuel expenses, water rates and so on, They're obvious.

What about the less obvious expenses?

The ice cream on a sunny day. The trips out at the weekend and during school holidays. The lunch taken whilst at the zoo/museum for the day. The present to take to a friend's birthday party. The bus fare/petrol to get him doctor's or dentist. The curtains, furniture and bedlinen in his room. The ingredients for the cakes Mum makes for him. The promised reward for beibg good. The replacement household item which he accidentally broke, The bathroom towels he uses. The entry fee and lunch costs incurred when Mum takes one of his friends out for the day with him....

Do you want me to go on?

That's right detectivepotato let her eat cake go on benefits. Let the state support them.

The child is 6 and therefore goes to school, no? Can the mother not work (maybe does)?

I completely disagree with the last two posts. You presumably made some decisions with your ex-wife when you had children about who was going to stay at home with your son (ie sacrifice their career). You do owe your ex wife your respect and if you are earning enough, your contribution to her lifestyle will make things comfortable for your son - that is your responsibility. You don't say how much you earn or pay, it is difficult to judge therefore whether it is 'reasonable' or not, but I do feel you should compensate your ex for the sacrifices she has made (albeit willingly) to look after your much loved (by both of you) son.

"but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me."

There it is.

My parents are divorced, my father's attitude to the money he gave my mother was much like yours. When I saw him he would roll his eyes at the sight of my clothes/shoes and I'd hear him saying to his new parter (now wife) that he had no idea what my mother was spending the money on.

I knew that my mother didn't have a lavish lifestyle and that we didn't have treats, days out etc because money was tight. I hated, hated, hated knowing that my father thought my mother was taking advantage and at the same time knowing that she was struggling. It made my relationship with him very tense and now I'm in my early forties it's been many years since I spoke to him.

Is your child happy?

If the answer is yes then suck it up. Your child is the important person here, not you or your ex.

Unfortunately when marriages break up the children have to live with one or the other parent. The resident parent will incur the greater costs - as Vallhala says it is not just the bills and clothes. It is all the other incidentals plus the not being able to work as freely as the non-resident parent.

The outcome of your divorce is that YOU are able to earn more, while your ex-wife's earning potential has been significantly curtailed.

If you are struggling to pay your own rent, council tax,then maybe you could re-negotiate but if you are able to live a reasonable life then you should be happy you can ensure your child also has a reasonable standard of living.

Its also the mothers child and she is equally financially responsible.

"I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home."

If you only see him every other weekend why are you buying so many clothes for him? Presumably he's dressed when you collect him.
Do you not keep a few outfits for him at your home? Why send all the clothes back with him and then moan that all the material things are at her house? Why are you buying uniform for him?
Again, with toys, are you buying him stuff every time you see him?

You need to pay by standing order so the maitenence payments can be proved.

I know of a man that paid cash and a few years later the ex went to csa claiming he hadn't paid for those years He was chased for the money.

You want to ask for receipts?

No wonder you are her ex! You sound like a controlling arse.

I'm not surprised your wife left you. You appear to think that you are her owner/employer and must be obeyed at all times.