Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

As another poster suggested, find out how much you would pay if it was the CSA enforced payments. Add some [as you seem financially able and willing to do] (taking into account the childcare cost implications around working with a child) but overall reducing the monthly payments and putting the remainder in a trust fund (or whatever they're called) that your son can access when he's older to help him with uni/first car/deposit on a house etc etc? Then you'll still be paying for his future (or schooling if you go down the dark side route of private education ).

BTW I don't think you should be financially keeping the ex either.

My ex pays a sum towards the cost of our ds. I don't expect him to fund my lifestyle. Imo the financial aspect of the child should be shared between the parents.

Why is it presumed that the wifes earning power is diminshed due to being resident parent?

OP. I can see where you are coming from and I do not think you sound controlling or mean but IMVHO it is usually a 6 of 1 and half dozen of the other scenario in these situations.

I expect DS's dad thinks the £ he was told to give me by the CSA 5 years ago (it has never gone up & I can't be bothered with the arguement) funds what he sees as my lavish lifestyle (as if). But it is simply not the case.

If you reduce payments the CSA ask for proof of money spent you risk angering exW and if she really is making your son go without to pay for her handbags she probably wouldn't think twice about using your so against you and making him think he was suddenly worth less to you.

Can you explain that you are in some financial difficulty and you need to sit down with her and work out where and on what money is being spent and if you guys can make some savings without it being the detrement of DS.

Then you will either see that the amount you are paying does actually all go to benefit DS or that she is taking the piss somewhat and you can go from there.

While like another poster, I was well aware that my Dad and stepmother didn't approve of my clothes etc and thought my mother wasn't spending money on the right thigns, and yet I knew we were quite poor ... I do have some sympathy if the situation is as bad as the OP appears to believe.

However, OP - are you sure this is the case? Is it worth having a chat with the ex and genuinely asking what the financial arrangements are? You should be contributing to your son's food, housing, bills, clothes etc etc etc. And yes, if she can't get sufficient work due to his care, then a contribution to her costs as his carer too.

Might be worth clarifying all this rather than keep buying things and not asking and feeling resentful. If you can ask nicely?

Oo, Giddyup put it better than me!

OP I think your ex wife probably uses the money for young, buff, escorts so that she can get a proper seeing-to. Never mind the handbags and holidays.

What's 1/2 £ wrap around child care (8am-9am,3pm-6pm)+ holidays p.a.

You would be well within your rights to pay your ex the amount the CSA would deem correct towards the upbringing of your child while they are with your ex ... and then spend any remainder you were giving her, on the child directly, either in a savings account or for things they need/want.

Asking for receipts is a big no no. Her maintenance is for her to decide how to use it.

Whilst asking for receipts is patronising, I agree that you shouldn't be supporting your ex.

I'm married, have a 4yr old and work, and I also have two children from a previous morriage and worked when I had them. I sort childcare. My dh works too, but I'm the main earner. Having my dd has not prevented me from doing this, we got child minder.

On the other my dh's ex has only just got her first ever job (very part time) - sd is nearly 12!! And guess who's providing childcare.....us at weekends, whilst continuing to pay maintenance.

Yes, when a family breaks down any children of that family should be supported, but it shouldn't fall to the non-resident parent to have to provide all of this support.

Sweeedes.

In an attempt to settle this calmly & fairly, why don't you just ask her for a monthly breakdown of costs. That's a reasonable request. No need to ask for receipts which is insulting.

If she's spending £800 a month on childcare so she can work & support herself, then you cover £400 of that. If she is living by herself, then a quarter of the rent on a two bed flat would be your contribution for your son (your ex paying his other quarter), quarter of the heating, the water, phone, etc.

It adds up. Then add in a bit for food, toiletries, toys, activities and you'll get close to the real cost. Then judge for yourself what your son costs.

OP you OFFERED to pay the higher amount. YOU suggested it. And now you don't like it?

wow.

when i was a single parent with ds money was very tight. my ex paid £35 a week for him. i have yet touch a penny of it. i put it all as well as the CB into savings for my son and provided for him out of my own part-time salary. if my ex had even dared to ask for a receipt for it he would have had very short shrift.

honestly, i dont believe for one minute that you have a good relationship with this woman. in fact it doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with reality. "ideally i would like to have full time residency of my son" what the hell for? it just sounds like a whim off the top of your head. if your really wanted residency and thought it was in the best interests of your son then go and get it. but the fact that you then say "my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned." tells me that really you aren't that interested it would just be a lovely little idea that you couldn't be bothered to see into fruition.

"Why is it presumed that the wifes earning power is diminshed due to being resident parent?"

Well mine certainly is. I have a SN child I cannot work because of the amount of support he needs. Had I still been together with ex and he hadn't been such a selfish twunt then it would have been possible. Now it isn't.

Detective Potato - what about her equal ability to work and equal freedom from childcare responsibility? It is NOT an equal relationship. You can't just pick on the financial aspect and insist that is equal without the others taken into account.

The summer holidays are upon us. How many separated couples are sharing the holidays 50:50? My ex husband is having the children for a week. And they have 9 weeks holiday.

Sweeedes, I think the point is the money is meant for OP's son, and is not begrudged if that is where it is spent.

You pay her money, for your son, you want to see where it's going. That is perfectly reasonable.
I would ask her for a breakdown of her outgoings.
You are responsible for providing a roof over your son's head, so you should be contributing for rent and utilities, but I don't see why you should be paying for ALL his toys/clothes etc. Do you see what she is buying for him, or do you get the impression that she is spending too much money on herself?

Sounds to me like you are trying to contol your ex-wife by keeping close tabs on her expenditure.

Maybe try to keep in mind that "I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son." before going down the legal route.

Think you are all being way too bitchy! Yes, he should contribute, but some of you are suggesting he pay for almost everything?? He has already said he pays way more than if he payed through csa. At least he is contributing to the upbringing of THEIR son. Some dont pay at all.

"ideally i would like to have full time residency of my son" what the hell for?"

Maybe he loves his son and would like him to live with him. I know my dad wanted all his children to live with him when he split with the mother of his children but it just wasn't practical.

I have had this discussion with DH and my friends. I know that DH would want DS to live with him if we ever split (although I wouldn't want that to happen at all). Some of my friends said the same about their DH's. Some dads actually want their children with them.

Shimmery, your situation is massively different from this ex wife. There was no mention of sn in the op.

I have a ds from a previous relationship and earn the same as i did pre children.

Having a child does not remove the ability to work imo.

Hahaha.

No further posts from the OP I note.

I love the whole non logic of the original post.

"I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son."

VS

"As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older."

Yeeeeah, make your child suffer now and he can have £££££££ when he's 18. BRILLIANT idea - do this.

"I neither care nor know how she supports herself"

VS

"This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays."

A to the R to the motherfucking F

This whole post is utter bullshit.

Who on Earth doesn't know how their ex partner supports themselves? What the...? It makes no sense at all.

"Some dads actually want their children with them." Very true - my uncle did, 20 years ago. Ex had no problem with that and all 3, then under 6, stayed with their dad. Who worked full-time, ex-wife never paid a penny towards their upkeep.

Well you won't get much support here i think many people just saw red and seem to completely ignored what you have said.

1. He does not mind paying for his child

1. He accepts that payment of bills/food etc is part of what he paying for

1. He not only pays a considerable amount but is also the one paying for school bills and buys his child clothes toys etc which then go to his ex's house.

1. He is not saying he won't pay for his child so why people have started saying with sarcasm "let the state pay for them" i don't know.

1. He is divorced he no longer has any entitlement to the woman their only link is he son and it is fair that it is only his son he wants his money to go to.

OP personally i think you should talk with your ex wife before you start with the receipts i think its a little harsh but then i can understand that you are not keen on your ex spending money that you are giving on your son for holidays if she is not taking her son with her.