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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

588 replies

TheWaspFactory · 16/07/2010 08:57

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

OP posts:
Xenia · 24/07/2010 21:08

WOmen who have never had a real live child often think children are little models who should be perfectly turned out. In fact the better raised child are those like mine who are more likely to have holes in their shorts because they climb trees and that has not much to do with money. Although I am sure some women are so hurt by divorce they do sometimes do silly things like send children to stay with their father with no adequate clothes.

muminthemiddle · 24/07/2010 22:10

Can I just make a point about the 50-50 split childcare. Ok I am not a single parent (thankfully) but I seriously do not know of any family where childcare is split exactly 50-50.
I do the vast majority of things like trips to hobbies/parties organising birthday parties, presents, non-uniform day outfits etc etc etc. My dh does not have a clue what I have bought my 3 dcs teachers neither is he that interested.
He doesn't wash and iron their clothes. So if ever (God forbid)we split up I would damn well expect to have custody of all my dcs, having said that I am not complaining in any way about my dh just that I consider this to be the norm in the vast majority of 2 parent household.
Oh and yes it was I who sacrificed my career to be a full time parent.

TheBestAManCanGet · 25/07/2010 09:09

I hope that is not the norm muminthemiddle.

Xenia · 25/07/2010 09:59

Only in those families where women were silly enough to become housewives and men allowed that to happen. Every time you enjoy a housewive as a man you are making a statement - in divorce I will not see mmy children much may be a weekend every 2 weeks.

Most women aren't housewives and the country is full of non sexist men who do jobs and have relatively equal care of children. Many many women now earn more than their husbands, I think it's now about a third of women. In fact in my divorce one issue was wether I would lose the children to my teacher husband as he spent a bit more time than I did with them although as we had a full time daily nanny whichI paid for and the older 3 children would choose me and were old enogh to there was no risk I would lose them my lawyer said. Only with that assurance would I divorce at all and plenty of men including some I've come across would not divorce t all because they would find it too painful to leave their children and I can understand that position.
Also even if a father doesn't know things (I never know my children's teachers' names not that that really matters) you can learn later. The thing is to enable men. If he says he can't look after a toddler all day just go away and leave him to it. He;ll soon get the hang of nappies etc.

Xenia · 25/07/2010 10:01

Only in those families where women were silly enough to become housewives and men allowed that to happen. Every time you enjoy a housewive as a man you are making a statement - in divorce I will not see mmy children much may be a weekend every 2 weeks.

Most women aren't housewives and the country is full of non sexist men who do jobs and have relatively equal care of children. Many many women now earn more than their husbands, I think it's now about a third of women. In fact in my divorce one issue was wether I would lose the children to my teacher husband as he spent a bit more time than I did with them although as we had a full time daily nanny whichI paid for and the older 3 children would choose me and were old enogh to there was no risk I would lose them my lawyer said. Only with that assurance would I divorce at all and plenty of men including some I've come across would not divorce t all because they would find it too painful to leave their children and I can understand that position.
Also even if a father doesn't know things (I never know my children's teachers' names not that that really matters) you can learn later. The thing is to enable men. If he says he can't look after a toddler all day just go away and leave him to it. He;ll soon get the hang of nappies etc.

prism · 25/07/2010 10:22

There seem to be quite a few people on this thread ignoring the fact that the OP would ideally like his son to be living with him, but is putting up with something else because it's probably best for now. As well as that he's paying more maintenance than he's required to, quite voluntarily- no wonder he's pissed off! If a mother was presenting the same situation what would the response be then, I wonder?

FWIW, TheWaspFactory, I don't think the receipts idea would work. However you could just say that you on average spend X on stuff (possibly using your own recepits!) that really ought to be bought with the money you give to your ex, and reduce your payments accordingly. Or at least suggest it, and see what she says. And GeekOfTheWeek is dead right- paying in cash is a really bad idea, and you should do it by bank transfer ASAP. It sounds to me like you have been too nice for too long, and are realising that now.

prism · 25/07/2010 10:29

Just realised I posted that after reading only page one of the thread- please ignore it.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/07/2010 10:35

Just popped back into this to find that the OP still hasn't clarified how he knows that it's 'his' money the XW is spending on treats for herself, nor has he given any convincing explanation of why he thinks his DS is being shortchanged.
So it still comes down to a bitter XH thinking he has some kind of right to control and punish a woman who was smart enough to dump him.

As you were.

zazen · 25/07/2010 13:06

Hear hear SGB.

Sounds like a man who is stalking his X TBH. Checking out her clothes / shoes / bag etc... it's all a bit creepy to me.

And sounds like he is very resentful that he "ends up" having to parent their child when he is looking after him. shock!

prism · 25/07/2010 14:25

OK, have read through now and still think the OP is getting this treatment because he is a man. If anyone's controlling the situation it's the ex. As I said, if it was a woman posting this story, the response would be completely different.

ladydeedy · 25/07/2010 14:28

agree.

Graciescotland · 25/07/2010 14:56

I can understand that you want to know what your money is being used for but I dare say your ex is going to be rather annoyed should you change the rules unilaterally.

Children cost more than just clothes and food. There are increased costs for rent, rates, bills neccessitated by having a larger home. Incidentals for things such as travel to school and so forth both for her and your son after all she wouldn't be making the journey were it not for him. Childcare costs, reduced wages as only able to work part time. Toys, books and clothes that you may never of seen because anything that she sends round to yours takes at least two weeks to come back if at all.

I'd think carefully before you disturb the cordial nature of your relationship.

mathanxiety · 25/07/2010 23:19

Any idea yet how he 'ends up' spending the extra money?

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