Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

All is forgiven sweeedes darling. Drink and make up? On me, of course

when OH and i got back together he nearly dropped when we did a breakdown of the costs of keeping our ds. he couldn't believe how little his £35 actually got for ds. he doesn't know how i survived for 3 years on my own.

OP you truly haven't a clue.

Totally disagree sweeedes, you have no way of knowing.

"If your son was actually living with you, your expenses related to him would be much greater than your currents payments are" - again, no way of knowing.

5 DollarShake i am not so sure his expenses would be higher than if he child wasn't with him he already pays for all the childs needs including school clothes etc his money is also going to living costs housing/water/food bills etc.

So how exactly would it cost him more if the child was with him?

ah ok, i thought you had decided she was. i agree, no reason to assume she isn't but from the OP, all we know is that there was a handbag. hardly admissable in court

Sweeedes - isn't it just an teeeeeeeeeeensy bit cynical and mean-spirited to assume that a father giving as much as he can to fund the care of his son is because he - quelle horreur! - genuinely wants the best for him, rather than a controlling sinister manipulative gesture intended entirely to generate future occasions to make his ex feel small, grasping, and mildly threatened?

Just asking, you understand.

I got that backwards didn't I?

Yup, never gonna win a debating award.

Women should really have a generation of refusing to be the parent with care. And we should ask the men for receipts that fully account for our paltry child maintenenace contributions ... we won't be contributing to anything that's remotely enjoyable.

Hello OP, firstly I have to say you sound a caring Dad who doesn't begrudge his son anything and that's great. I can sort of see where you are coming from as I am in the same position as your ex. My exH is self employed and pays me a good amount (around £200 which is more than the CSA would order) a month which is a massive help. He also contributes to school uniforms, takes his DS on holidays and when he comes up to see DS more often that not we go out as a family for dinner somewhere and he picks up the bill.

Things is - the rest of the time I provide full time care for our DS, I buy the bulk of his clothes and toys, I provide the food, heating, housing and stuff like that. Some months the money my ex gives me is needed for all those things and sometimes not - I have no qualms about using it to buy make up or other bits I need to feel good and presentable to the world - DS has a happier MUmmy if I feel good about myself.

I would tread very carefully around the whole receipts thing. It sounds like you both have an amicable relationship which is fantastic for your DS. Is it worth putting that in jeopardy for the sake of a few (or few hundred) pounds?

Can you talk to your ex about money? In the self employed world many are feeling the pinch - perhaps you are one of them (my ex is struggling too) and at some point we may need to discuss changing/reducing the amount he pays - or have meals at home or saythat I buy all clothes including uniform without contribution. Keep in mind the amicable bit as it would be a pity to ruin this over money.

Sweedes, your proposal to use children as mere tools in a gender-based game of power-play and emotional manipulation is of course an intriguing and engaging one, but I think the OP did mention in passing that he would have liked to have sole care of the child, and certainly did not refuse to be the parent with care.

[grin @ seeedes

right RL beckons, as clearly it has for OP

who the f is seeedes? i do of course mean

@ sweeedes

I think that sums it up brilliantly swallowedafly.

cant be even arsed as OP will not even come back I bet you

Wow. Quite a reaction.

There's too many posts to answer everyone but in attempt to fill in any gaps.

Other than absolutely necessary I don't speak to my ex wife. She was working full time at the point of separation and earning a good wage. From what my son says it sounds like she is working part time now while he is at school but her family sometimes help out. I'm not sure to be honest as I'm not using him as a conduit for information. Further, what she does and how she does it is of no concern to me - provided my son is happy I simply don't care.

Neither her nor or I are short of cash - she certainly isn't on the breadline - at least as far as I can see.

I absolutely do not begrudge for a second any of the cash I spend on my son. Everything I do is for him and I have no qualms about that. According to the CSA I'm handing over roughly twice what they would suggest for my income. I'm fine with that - I'd give more if I could afford to.

However, I'm not convinced that that cash is being used to provide the best life for my son. I appreciate that there are some things that can't be separated - housing costs for example but over the last year or so the impression I get is that my money is being used to supplement her lifestyle rather than provide the best for my son. I admit this is all circumstantial - I know nothing of her financial position. This is just based on what I see and what my son tells me (again, unprompted - I would never pump him for information or in anyway attempt to influence his opinion of his mother). I just want to see where my money is going. Perhaps "receipts" was too blunt a term - but I want some kind of evidence that my money isn't being spend on paying for a second car or feeding a shopping habit.

Perhaps the idea to approach her and ask her for a breakdown of where my money goes would be a good idea - though I doubt it will receive a friendly reception. As I have said, the alternative is that I go through the CSA and "tweak" my income to ensure she receives what I think is the bare minimum to support him while with her and I pay everything else directly (which I'm doing already pretty much) with the surplus going to a trust or similar.

And finally, having my son live with me full time would be a dream. I would give anything for this to happen. Even 50:50 would amazing. However my ex won't even entertain the thought of extending what we have at the moment - never mind 50:50. A battle over this would not provide the best environment for my son which I why I don't pursue it. My only hope is that when he gets older he'll be able to make his own decision which will mean I get to spend more time with him.

The irony is that full time residency would probably work out cheaper for me - the amount I'm paying at the moment would comfortably pay for a full time nanny.

Thank you for the opinions.

ha!! yes because when you have children a full time nanny is all you need.

tune in.

Headbanger - I suspect the OP's underwhelming desire to be the parent with care "at some point in the future" [ie when he's a good deal easier to look after and can stay at home all day with a ready-meal] became irrepressible shortly after the purchase of the proligate ex-wife's handbag and holiday.

Jeeez, people, give him a break.

Good luck OP, hope everything works out for the best.

and please dont apply for residency if what you mean by that is employing a nany to look after your son all the time. dont for one second think that you could continue your life as it is once you have a child living with you full time. you would not be thinking in the best interests of your child at all.

I would certainly be intrigued to know how much the OP is actually giving his wife.

It continues to amaze me how many parents seem to think that children can be brought up on little more than fresh air.

talk to her calmly and sensibly before you go down the official route
obviously a very emotive subject for some.
fwiw you sound like you pay a lot... enough for a full time nanny?

You're v. cynical and negative Sweeedes, & don't think it's helpful to bring that cynicism to a genuine question (assuming it is genuine).

So there.

waspfactory - you consider different options in your recent post (eg "Perhaps the idea to approach her and ask her for a breakdown of where my money goes would be a good idea - though I doubt it will receive a friendly reception. ) but seem to have ignored my suggestion. this isn't about "your" money and her spending habits. it's about both of you providing for your son - please look at my post and consider it. too right that asking for a breakdown of where your money goes won;t get a friendly reception. approaching your ex and asking how, together, you can both provide for him in the best way possible might.

well I eat my words OP!!!

I for one think its very sad that good dad only see their kids every other weekend, its fuck all

can you leave the money for now, and mainly have more acess as your primnary battle?

a few week nights, more holiday?

that would reward you more than a new more extra quids

what do you WANT your money tpo go on?