Payments to ex wife. Opinions sought.

[TheWaspFactory]

I'm told this is a good place to get opinions. Don't hold back please ladies...

I have a six year old son to my ex wife. We have been separated for about 2 years now and are on cordial, if not friendly terms.

He lives with her and I see him every other weekend.

I currently pay a considerable sum every month to my ex by way of child support. This amount is much more than I would pay through a CSA enforced agreement. I actually suggested this amount as I want the best for my son.

Living and financial arrangements have been agreed between myself and my ex wife informally.

I should point out that I'm by and large happy (well, satisfied maybe) with the concept if not the execution of this plan. Ideally I'd like to have full time residency of my son but my ex wife has made clear she doesn't want this to happen so for the moment, this situation is probably the best for all concerned.

However, I've an issue with the amount I pay and how it is used. I pay this cash for the benefit of my son - not my ex wife. I neither care nor know how she supports herself. The thing is I'm not convinced she is actually spending this cash on my son.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for receipts or some kind of evidence of where my money is going? I appreciate that a significant amount of this is rolled up in to my ex wife's living costs (housing, etc) which can't be separated from supporting my son and to be fair he's not exactly going hungry but I end up buying him most of the stuff I expect my monthly payment to pay for. For example, I end up buying the vast majority of his clothes when he's with me, most of his schooling expenses (trips, uniform, etc) are paid by me, toys - again by me. All the material things end up at my ex's home.

As far as I'm concerned I'm supporting my son - not my ex wife. This money is meant to pay for him, not her handbags and holidays.

I'm tempted to tear up our agreement and go down the official route. As I'm self employed the amount the CSA would specify would be a fraction of what I'm paying now. The balance I could put in to a trust or similar for my son when he's older.

However, before I do this, I thought the receipt idea might be a fair push to actually get wife to spend my money on my son.

Opinions please? I appreciate that this may not be a "popular" post but thought a view from the "other side" might be enlightening...

So you want ful time residency and to get a nanny? Bonkers.
What your ex does for that child is far more than a nanny ever would. And she does it for free so put that in yer pipe and smoke it. You do sound like an arse tbh.

OP - its great you pay more than CSA suggests. But if you are not happy with where the money is going then go down the route of CSA.

if your son needs anything his mother cant pay for then you can buy those things and they can stay at your house.

How do things you buy always end up at his mothers? You must allow this to happen. So dont.

Why is she unable to provide for her son?

Thing is, if a couple is together and one person doesnt earn an income it is their role to do the childcare/ housework and of course all the other nice things a partner does for their husband/wife.

If you are separated you arent getting any of that nice stuff.. but you're still supporting her

If sh wants nive handbags she needs to get out to work.

im guessing you havent found a new partner yet because I doubt any other woman would put up with this crap.

actually I'd give up Wasp, for every sensible answer you are going to get 10 emotive ones that taken your words and twisted them.
It's never easy to portray exactly how it is in words

Foureleven

He says he wife is working apparently she used to be full time however she is now part time

My ex-H pays minimum ,he had an attitude like you until i showed him the amount he contributes to his children doesnt even cover the cost of their school meals and after school activities.
He told me that he swapped his well paid job for a minimum wage so he wouldnt have to give me money for the kids . Why?
Because i met DH and had more children and he "wasnt paying to fund their lifestyle" .

• pmsl ....I didnt know £60 a week would get you a "lifestyle" .

OP money you give is to help feed your child and keep a roof over his head , to help pay the electricity and gas bills to ensure he is warm , and kept clean by having hot water to wash in...to ensure he is provided the standard of living into which he was born...as equal to yours . Do not grudge your ex a hand bag ,it may be a gift from her family ...holidays for single parents are usually helped paid for by the grandparents ....not the maintenence.

Why to non resident parents think that if they pay x amount in maintenence then thats al they have to do regarding their child?.
A pile of cash does not show a child you love them btw.
A dad who gladly gives his child does so because he does love him/her.
A selfish git moans about providing and thinks because hes paid xxx thats it he shouldnt do anything else ...(as in ive gave you maintenence ...i dont care if there wasnt anymoney left over to buy you new shoes ,even if your shoes have holes in them)
.

sandybits... in what way does OP's ex 'do it for free?'

And I think its unfair to call OP an arse.. many women would give their right arm for a man who wants to see his son as much as possible and contribute over the odds.

OP are you saying that if it only cost £100p/w to care for your son and you are paying £120p/w that you will ask for the £20 back just because she is able to buy herself something? you said yourself you know nothing of her employment status or her income. how do you know she isn't saving any extra in an account for your son. i still think you are out of line to ask for proof of where the money goes. you said yourself your son isn't going without.

Headbanger - Are you divorced or separated?

Thanks sammi Then why can she not support the son herself with the standard CSA payments? and probably tax creds etc too.

Wasp yes i think you should discuss with your ex that would be best and the with the result of that discussion you would have an idea what would be the best action to take.

Foureleven

she could support herself with standard payments but her ex husband (wasp) wants the best for his son so he is paying much more.

It seems that it's difficult to get the situation across in a couple of posts.

Breaking it down to the basic question - am I unreasonable to demand evidence that the payments I make are used to support my childs wellbeing?

Assuming not - what is the best way to "ask" for that evidence?

Thank you all for the input ladies - though I must say some of you are reading an awful lot in to my posts...

Just had my tenth wedding anniversary Sweedes! Is that pertinent?!

Plus also what foureleven said. might sensible.

yes you are unreasonable.

She does it for free in the respect that she is a mum. We all do it for free. A nanny is a paid employee, how do you even compare that to a mother? I agree with whoever said the OP sounds controlling. I can see thsi from his POV, it would frustrate the hell out of me to suspect the money is being misspent, but I see no evidence of that.

I think a breakdown of the Ex wife's ingoings and outgoings is a good idea for all parties, maybe the ex making a financial diary of all her ourgoings so the OP can see exactly how money just seems to dwindle away when you have children!

I also think that the OP should be prepared to share a breakdown of his ingoings/outgoings so the Ex can get an idea how much he is contributing in relation to how much is coming in.

If OP wants black and white documented fairness, then he should be prepared to do the same in return.

Of course I understand that OP does not want to feel his is supporting a lavish lifestlye for his wife, if his son is going without.

Being a single parent is hard and OP is in the situation where he can spend his time doing whatever he wants (working etc) and come home and chill out and make dinner plans and this is something the ex probobley does not have the luxary of - really OP is getting a fulltime childminder and the peace of mind that his son is being looked after in a loving environment so surely this is worth paying for.

if even for the fact that you would demand rather than ask. proves what i though all along.

The asking for evidence in itself is unreasonable. You're trying so hard to say 'look at me, I pay more than I have to'. If it bothers you that much, stop paying so much. Yes, your ds would suffer. But what's that compared to money eh?

Well I don't think you sound unreasonable. But you would never get a easy ride on here . However I don't think that asking for a breakdown of expenditure would be a good idea. Go to the CSA, if that reduces the amount you pay, put the difference in a trust fund for your son maybe.

And Wasp - sorry, got distracted - prolly best not to use phrases like 'demand' and 'evidence'. You need to stop seeing this as a business transaction: essentially, this is still a family, just working along different and sometimes difficult lines. You need to find a way to talk this over as cordially as you can - if that's not possible, then you could consider reverting to the CSA payments. If, as you say, you are paying twice the CSA amount, then you could put the other half that you currently pay into a long-term high-interest savings account that your son could access at 16 or 18.

why on earth should the exwife have to provide her incomings???? that is her business and should not affect what OP pays.

Having now read your second post waspfactory and understanding that your ex isnt short of money I just dont get why youre paying over the odds.. If youre paying twice the CSA amount then you are paying 20% of what you have said is a good salary... It doesnt cost that much to look after a child!

I think the answer is to go down the CSA route, and split the custody more fairly.

Custody should be based on what is best for the child and you sound like a good dad who your child would benefit from being with more often than every other weekend.

OP, You need to grow up a bit and stop trying to control your ex through money.

You have a requirment to give her the money, but at the end of the day it isnt for you to say how it is spent. You are divorced. She has a right to privacy over financial affairs and anything else apart from the welfare of the children you share.

I am a LP and get maintenance from my ex towards the children. It goes into my household pot along with my salary and we live well on it as I am also a high earner.
If he asked me for a financial breakdown I would tell him where to go. Like you we are also divorced. It is none of his business.

Quite frankly I think you should just suck it up and keep paying. This is about your son, not your need to try and retain some control over your ex wifes life.

OP we had this to some extent with DH and his Ex.

Again paid over the CSA amount and Ex was certainly not hurting for cash (had always worked, mortgage was a pittance and had only 8 yrs to run etc etc)

DSD used to come to us in her worst, most falling apart clothes and shoes and always needed something.

She sent her on holiday with us for the first time with a suitcase that had 4 pairs of knickers, 1 pair brown socks, 4 sets pyjamas, one dress and one pair of jeans - nothing else - not even a toothbrush. This was a 10 day beach hol. (and is embedded in my mind - I will never forget opening that case )

1st day of holiday was spent shopping for suitable clothes - and me, not having any experience then (no kids at the time) went to Adams and spent a bloody fortune (oh how I wish I'd known about primark then!).

This happened a few more times, including the first time we took her abroad - I was in tescos at midnight buying clothes! In the end I took DSD on a HUGE shopping trip - told her she had X to spend, but that everything we bought would be kept with us / her nana and not go back home with her. We bought everything slightly big and it did us for a good while.

(and DSD's mum went to her nanas to ask for it all, but nana told her to bugger off)

DSD is a teen now, and DH doesnt work. Money is tighter but we have kept up the payments with one difference. We have split it into 1/3 shares. Ex gets 1/3, DSD gets 1/3 and 1/3 goes into savings (actually into Premium Bonds).

Ex's money is for 'looking after' DSD
DSD's money is for the sort of crap that teens need (hairspray, make-up, phone credit)
Savings money is for college/uni/car whatever when she is 18.

Ex doesn't like it, but as it takes her 'share' down to what CSA would call for we think thats fair.

I think your best bet is to 'suck it up' and understand that you will probably never know what your ex spends the money on - and if your DS seems happy/safe etc then dont worry about it. It's galling but not worth getting het up about it at this stage. DH and I had some horrible arguements about this, because he felt his ex was taking the piss, but seriously, its not worth it.

Buy clothes/shoes/toys to keep with you, offer to go halves on school uniform and grit your teeth a lot!