Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

You need to stick the italics around the " as well thus:
"Oh God, I'd have to ask my parents to help me"

Techs are having some fun with the bold and italic atm - they have allowed bulk bolding and italicising but have, in the process, lost some other aspects of it, annoyingly. I believe they're still tinkering working on it...

Bunny this won't get any better. Attitudes like this to money are generally very deeply entrenched.

My ex was like this. Even after we married, for 8 years he told me that I sat around on my arse and didn't lift a finger while he supported me. He had this idea that "women will ruin you" financially if you let them.

It got to the point where he truly believed if we ordered a take away that he should have the larger share as he was earning.

If I asked him to help me out with anything whether it be money, support so I could re-train etc he would say "I am not your Dad, it's not up to me to do that for you", while at the same time telling me that at my age I shouldn't be "running" to my parents all the time.

I am not saying your d/f is as bad as that but it is no fun being financially dependent on someone who resents every penny that you ask them for. Funnily enough ex was also very generous on occasion, with things he wanted to be generous with. When it came to household stuff and stuff I needed for myself he was beyond mean.

I do believe if you don't sort this out to both your liking you will remember this thread when you decide to have a family with this man and he becomes difficult about money and supporting you (and he will) with real regret.

He is waving a massive red flag at you, please take it on board.

Thanks Shimmery (and Thumbwitch for the italics!). Funnily enough, F also has the same views on me "running" to my parents.

What I can't work out is where this attitude has come from? His parents apparently share all funds. His mother is quite formidable and, I don't think, would have it any other way.

However, I would say that they are incredibly internally focussed on their family. For example, they have very, very few friends. Indeed, all of their invitees to our wedding are family. I would say they are quite untrusting of "non" family members and I wonder if, subconsciously or consciously, I fall in to that catagory for F.

I remember a horrible argument when my dad had offered us the money for the deposit and someone in F's family had said that F needed to be careful as my dad and I were trying to "rip him off"?! Not quite sure how this was meant to be happening. Generosity to those outside the "family" is anathema to them and therefore they cannot understand (seriously) why others would do this. Hence, there must be a catch or it must be a trap.

This is increadibly liberating writing this all down and actually helping me to make sense. On the other hand, I might just be taking the amateur psychology a bit TOO far!!!

What are his parent's views on Money and finances? Because much could stem from that. It sounds as if your parents are very generous, and you probably have similar views as them. To me, it sounds like he's fond of the 'grand gesture' - that's an expensive ring - was that important to your F?

It also sounds as if, considering your incomes, that the amounts you both pay towards to household are disproportionate. So he earns a lot and therefore has a higher tax bracket. So what? It's his choice to do that.

You definitely need to talk about your fears with regard to motherhood, maternity leave and if he'll expect you to return to work as soon as possible, or if not, if you'll be able to spend money as you seem necessary.

Maybe talk it over with a solicitor (both of you)? Can you get pre-nuptual agreements about this sort of thing anyone? But yes, you've got a long time to sort this out - but you probably should start now.

Sorry post crossed. But that's even more troubling, Bunny - if you are considered an outsider by F's family and by F himself. That doesn't sound good to me.

Leave.

Today.

YADNBU

well no - it does help to see where these attitudes may have come from, but in the end if they are deeply entrenched, as shimmery said, you aren't going to shift them.
Has he mentioned a prenuptial agreement at all? Perhaps you should laughingly mention that you heard someone else was told they had to sign one and see what he says...

I don't like that he is generous only on his terms either - because he will throw that at you whenever you complain about not being able to buy XYZ - as I think you said he already has done. A very expensive ring is all well and good, and demonstrates to everyone else what a generous catch of a man he is; but if you weren't earning and actually needed, say, new shoes and he won't let you buy them with his money - then the ring isn't much use.

Hi lulu - cross post re the family! You are right, my family are incredibly generous and I am very lucky. I don't link money to love. However, the way I see it is that my family have been increadibly generous with everything to me: money, love, care etc. I think if you are "mean" with money, you tend to be mean with everything else in your life.

Ironically, I AM a solicitor (although an employment one).

I really don't want to go down the pre-nup route but perhaps we will have to. Even more ironically, if we get married, I will have far more to lose than him (half the deposit etc if we split up),

The ring was increadibly kind and generous and I can't take that away from him.

I am going to try and talk to him. I think a LOT of the problems stem from extreme problems with communication. However, his approach is that attack is the best form of defence. I think we can work on that though. What I am worried about is the attitude to money and to me. I agree with the poster who said it was increadibly entrenched (almost with the DNA) and I'm not sure that can or ever will change.

F has just texted to say that he wont come to the wedding now unless I come to the pagent at the weekend (the thing I wrote about above if anyone can keep up).

I just feel sick now. Part of me thinks that I should just cancel his flights (get a refund if possible) and tell him to f*ck off. I could really do with the money.

However, I don't want to over-react. Just don't know what to do. I actually don't want him to come with me. I can't stand going home and either shouting, awful arguments or total silence with me in another room. This can go on for days unless I make the first move.

Your financial arrangements are a bit of a red flag to me. Surely marriage is about sharing and about sharing everything. Being so inflexible about money, rather then just annoyed, sounds very odd to me. I think your point about maternity leave is fair enough - how is it going to work when you are not earning anything?

Sorry, pressed post too quickly.

We have completely joint accounts, but run big purchases past each other.

There is also such lack of respect here for you. His behaviour seems very childish.

I'm afraid I would seriously be reconsidering marrying him if I were you.

Bunny - I think I would have to make a stand - I would cancel his flight and get a refund. Don't go to the pageant if you don't want to. It will demonstrate that he can't dictate what you do.

I'm even more worried about,

"I can't stand going home and either shouting, awful arguments or total silence with me in another room. This can go on for days unless I make the first move."

That's a bit controlling, too, don't you think?

Seriously IMO you need to re-evaluate what you are gaining from this relationship and read the book Power and Control by Sandra Horley.

Sorry you are going through all this, Bunny. I hate to dampen the mood about the ring however, I wondered if your F didn't mind paying out for it as he considers it an investment and well as a symbol. Would he, for example, immediately ask for it back if you split?

I really hope you can sort this out. I for one couldn't cope with not being considered an equal and partner in this respect.

This is the time that you could sort this situation out.

I honestly would just text back "Fine" and nothing else.

Leave the ball in his court.

The whole thing is a nightmare. Don't know whether to ignore the text, text back. What.

Wondering about texting back to "explain" but that seems like the kind of thing you do when you are 14. Alternatively, might just text back and say OK. Or just ignore and cancel the flights.

Oh Gosh Bunny, you poor thing.

I read this thread with interest, because I can relate to so much of it. My partner is similar with money, and often with his anger too (e.g. no physical violence ever, but petty threats that can intimidate and sound 'controlling').

However, it does not occur to me to leave. Relationships are not perfect, Love is not finding a perfect partner, it is BEING the perfect partner, which means working with each other faults and foibles no matter what.

So for me, (and I understand I may be in the minority), I would not say 'leave'. I think sit down tonight, and start by saying "can we please agree neither of us will raise our voices" - maybe even go to the pub if being in a public place helps to control the shouting etc. And then explain that you simply do not have the spare £50 this month to pay for the taxi. Explain you understand it was a mistake - but that was all it was, a genuine mistake for which you should not have to pay for, and neither should he. Perhaps see if you both can reach some compromise of where you can save £50 - no takeaway, or cheaper dinners for a week etc? That way both of you are 'paying' for it together, as it was no-one's fault.

Don't reply to his text by getting in an argument, just say "I understand you are angry, can we sit down and have a proper discussion about it later".

Try your very hardest to resolve this reasonably, because I think its impossible to walk out on someone you love unless you have tried every possible avenue to fix it first.

Bloody hell, I've just read about the flights. Sorry Bunny, but that is ridiculous behaviour from a grown man. Call his bluff. Cancel the flight and go without him. Sounds like you need a break.

And on a side note, I think replying "fine" etc will only escalate the situation and make both of you angrier. Don't make any decisions about the wedding or pageant yet, see what arises after your discussion.

I cannot believe that people on thisd thread are suggesting it is reasonable to enter into game playing in an adult relationship.

If you cannot be yourself with the person you share your life with then can someone please tell me who the hell you can be yourselves with?!

And BottleofRum You need to get yourself a copy of Sandra Horley's book too.

Bunny - he sulks for how long? Wow. I am liking him less and less the more you say about him, tbh. Now we are talking emotional control and manipulation as well.

Remind us of the good bits?

I'd text him to say "ok, if that's what you want, I'll cancel your flight and get a refund - no sense in wasting the money, is there" and see what he comes back with (hoisting him by his own petard there)

Ladyanonymous - calling his bluff is not game playing. It is trying to draw out his true personality and intentions, so that the OP can make more of an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. If you want to call it game playing, that's up to you - but IMO it's worth it if it saves her from making a big mistake.

Thumbwitch Not you - others - agree with you FWIW

If anything it it him palying the games and the only outcome for him is to win. Bunny on the otherhand wants to be a team player, which is totally natural.