Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

Under the pillow? that's generous.

Run for the hills, I see a financially controlled future!

How come you half all the bills when he earns twice as much, where is the jointness in that?

Any other pointers to controlling behaviour so far?
Wanting to know where you are at any given time? Deciding who you can spend time with? Any of that? Any other swearing black is white (he didn't lose his keys...)

Pancake - he has always been slightly "strange" with money in that he will make statement that just aren't true. Such as I "waste" money etc. My parents gave us a deposit (large) for the house when we bought it.

I admit (and this is wrong) that when he has said before that I don't pay my way (which is just wrong - as a matter of fact) that I have brought up the deposit and said that he should actually be paying me £20,000 back. His position is that he has spent "far more" on me than that.

He also makes digs in front of his family etc about me "wasting" money but, to be fair, because I feel so touchy about tonight it is hard to see what is "banter" and what is actually "wrong".

You two Need To Talk.

Custardo but seriously the money thing and being punished? Sounds very worrying to me. I'd be wondering what was going to happen after the wedding, too.

But really, is this the only thing that's made you feel unsure of marrying him?

My ex-BF and I broke up because he bought a really big telly - obviously, there were many, many other reasons, that was just the one tangible thing I had.

Wait and see how he is tomorrow... It might just be the height of the argument, and he'll be normal in the morning. I wouldn't put the £50 back in BTW.

Also tomorrow when it's a bit calmer I'd suggest he look for the keys, to stop this happening again. Also suggest it might be a good idea to build a contingency into the joint account? (MY DH has also lost the spare key to my car, which did piss me off a treat too....but that's another story).

Don't jump to any conclusions tonight, just try to sleep if you can.

He is absolutely in the wrong.

And if he hasn't lost his keys, then he will know where they are, so why didn't he use them?

Apparently, I lost them Zandy.

I will try and sleep on it. However, I'm just so horrified at his behaviour tonight that I don't know what to do.

Will wait and see in the morning but I CANNOT live like this.

have there been other things he has done like this? how long have you been together? i would be surprised if this is the first incident in your relationship where he has intimated that you need punished (maybe not those words exactly) haven't you made mistakes before? what did he do then? although i am well aware that some men are very good at hiding their true personalities until they know they have their partner 'trapped'.

I am hearing big alarm bells here too .

I think you need a serious talk. If you are in conflict over money now, I can guarantee it will be an issue in your marriage. And who would walk into that with their eyes wide open.

Fuck that, he's a twat of the highest order.

"Punish" you, my arse. Not surprised you're questioning everything. Have you spoken to him about it? And has anything like this ever happened before?

The trigger seems to be anything to do with money. He has never done it but we have had a few arguments in the past where he has threatened not to pay the money in etc.

When we first moved in, that used to really panic me. Now if he did that, I would leave him and I wouldn't come back. I think he knows that. Also, he is very proud of his pristine credit rating and that would be seriously affected. Not sure what would matter to him more.....

Actually, this also happened to us once. Had forgotten. DH went off with both sets of keys and I had to get a taxi to work. I called him, ready to explode, but he was completely and terribly apologetic about it.
But the taxi wasn't anywhere near 50 quid though. And there was no talk of punishments either. Might possibly have dined out on his ineptitude for a while, however.

shineon i get that everyone loses the rag sometimes and we all say things we regret but it is the fact that when faced with a mistake by his partner, he jumped straight to 'punishment' as the answer. that is not the way a logical mind works. for him to think of punishing implies that he sees OP as something to be dealt with rather than a person who he shares his thoughts, feelngs and emotions with.

It doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship. Maybe it's the trigger you needed to clear the air and set up a new set of ground rules about money.
You don't sound like someone who'll put up with being downtrodden, so get him sorted out and trained!

Shiney - thank you (however, would you have taken the cleaner's money?!).

Just to be clear, I am not worried at all that he would be physically abusive.

I would say that I ALWAYS get the last word in an argument and, generally, I am better at arguing my side. He gets very frustrated and angry as a result. My mum thinks that he says the thing about the money in the heat of the argument as that is the one thing he CAN control. Not that either of us think it is acceptable.

I tell you what, you can marry him but whatever you do, do not become financially dependent him, please.

There are warning bells ringing here and there are women all over MN who wish they had listened to those alarms. I know I did.

My ex once left me to walk back from Home Base with 2 x curtain rails at 7.00 pm in the evening with ds in his buggy, aged 9 months in the middle of December to "punish" me for "starting an argument" with him.

Any person who uses the word "punish" with regard to their partner is not quite all there imvho and it WILL get worse. Scary stuff.

Its a RED FLAG !

no, it doesn't have to mean the worst but it would definitelt strike me as strange if OH said it to me. if OH had gone off with my car keys, i would huff and puff to myself for a few minutes, ring a taxi and text him in the taxi saying something like "oi dummy, you took my keys, i had to get a taxi." he would text back something like "oops, sorry, didn't realise." that would be it. we would probably laugh about it when we got home later. punishing him just wouldn't even enter my head. it was a mistake tehre is nothing to punish and even if he did it on purpose, he is an adult, i cant punish him. i can be angry but i cant punish him.

He isn't a husband though- yet. The issue is: should he be? Ok, on the back of one argument, maybe calling it all off is excessive. But it sounds like an ongoing issue to me.