Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

But he'll only become controlling about money (or whatever) if she lets him. And it doesn't sound as if she's about to as she has, quite rightly, kicked him into touch on this one already.
I'm mean, is he really likely to threaten to punish her again after the uproar it's caused tonight?

i never thought you did shineon. you have never once given me a punishment

How disappointing, Shiney. You have ruined my impression of you...

It seems to me that we have been given a glimpse of the rest of the relationship here though. And it ain't pretty.

Yes, that's what I'm trying to work out Portia.

I'm a bit scared/surprised that people have focussed in on the "punished" bit; although I take on board what you are saying.

I just thought he was generally a twunt.

We do need to sort this as is it symptomatic of bigger things.

However, (and I have just done this, so not drip feeding), I have also just acted like a childish twat. We were meant to be going to some motorsport thing at the weekend with his sister and her boyfriend. I wasn't particularly keen to go. However, (I know, I KNOW), I texted his sister and have said that she can have my ticket and just to buy one other, which she is going to do, as I can't make it.

I really don't have much money this month and I could actually do with F getting that money from his sister and using that for the f**ing taxi. Then we are quits.

I like your plan, childish or not. I doubt you'll feel like going anyway.

Ignore Shiney- the rest of us do

Yes, it was an argument. But there'll be other arguments in the future and if he's going to withdraw funds every time, leaving her in the sh**, particularly if she's at all dependent on him, then it needs nipping in the bud now.

leave the whip when you go.

Cor Shiney, you're not much cop as a dominatrix .

Bunny- I hope you get some sleep and feel clearer in the morning. It could just be a row, but you do need to talk.

I have to admit that the word "punishment" rang alarm bells for me too and I'm the one who usually misses stuff like this until someone else points it out. Maybe because it's been a long time since I've had a relationship

I wouldn't say leave him though, not yet anyway. Talk to him tomorrow, about this and your finances in general. Just keep an eye out for any other signs that he may try to control/punish you.

I'd have problems living like that I think.

I have a DH who frequently loses things. Keys and bank cards mainly. He managed this weekend to lose his bank card and then go and fill car up with diesel. I have now learned you can leave your driving licence with the garage and then tell them your wife will appear in the morning with the money. Which I did .

He has also mislaid his keys. I have let him have the key for his car that is on my keyring. I am hoping this is not a dangerous move .

He also once went off with both sets of keys. I was meant to be driving to visit a friend. I couldn't. Did get a bit cross, but hardly suggested he should pay me back in some way. It is an accident - these things happen.

I dunno, maybe I've been on MN too long and read too many relationship threads - but I'm with the 'Do.Not.Marry.This.Man' posters... from the (admittedly little) you have said he sounds controlling and nasty - I don't like his attitude at all. Punish, threaten not to put money into the account for bills... who the fuck does he think he is?

I would be working out how to get the £20,000 your parents lent you out of the house and working out how best to go about settling up the difference.

If he is like this now, he is going to be a right bastard when you are married and god forbid should you have children....

Run little rabbit, run.

'When we first moved in, that used to really panic me. Now if he did that, I would leave him and I wouldn't come back.'

If you are thinking up scenarios in which you'd leave, I think you should get out now. I have a friend who once confessed that she wished her DP had hit her during a particularly nasty row, as then she'd have a concrete reason to finish with him. She's now marrying him and moving abroad, and I'm terrified for her. She's still waiting for her reason. Please make this yours.

OP he doesn't see you as an equal at all. Please don't marry him! You don't have children together yet do you?

To the people saying "leave him" is OTT - It's not just the "punishment" thing (though that was my immediate reaction to that too) but also the comments made by the OP at 23:33.

If you're not married yet it's not too late. This kind of low level pettiness is utterly miserable to live with, and is worse the longer it goes on. I don't know whether he's going to get worse or not but he certainly isn't going to get any better.

Financial control is a dangerous marker - as you said, what about when you are married and having babies - on maternity leave and (God forbid) not contributing - you won't be allowed to spend a penny that isn't unaccounted for. He might send you back to work 6w after the birth to make sure you pay your way and aren't a financial drain on him. And no new clothes for you, lady! WHy on earth would you be 'wasting' his money on yourself?

Red flag for sure. Up to you whether or not you can deal with it for the rest of your life. What I would do is call his bluff - say you are not "repaying" the £50 as he can well afford it and none of it would have been an issue if he had not lost his keys (as you certainly didn't). Then see if he makes good his thread to withhold the money from the joint account.

If he does - leave.

Thumbwitch has it, I think.

doh! thread = threaT.

There's no reason you can't delay the wedding until it's sorted out - doesn't have to be one or the other.

I agree absolutely with thumbwitch about calling his bluff.

I also think that, if he doesn't withhold the money and it's just an empty threat, you need to insist on a different arrangement with regard to the finances, so that you both have access to all the money at all times. I know that's not the solution for all couples, but I think it's an appropriate response to this issue:

You've shown me that you're prepared to threaten me with withholding money so that I can't pay bills. This is completely unacceptable in a partnership. I need to know that you will never do that again. You can show me that by agreeing to have an open arrangement with access to funds.

I know you're fighting your corner, and that's great. But you really shouldn't have to be fighting your corner against your fiance. You can't marry someone while the two of you see money, an integral part of a partnership, as a legitimate battlefield. Whoever wins each battle is almost irrelevant; it shouldn't BE a battle.

Clam said upthread that he'll only becoming controlling about money if you let him. But a decent partner won't become controlling about money no matter what you do.

Sorry, the fourth para is supposed to be in quotes.

This is financial abuse. Keeping you short of cash while he has plenty. Emotional abuse is the 'punishing' thing. Does he do that kind of thing often? Really, really think about it. He sounds controlling and awful. You can't carry on under those financial conditions anyway - what are you, housemates? I don't think so.