Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

Hello, Bunny. I can't possibly read all 23 pages of your thread at this time of night, but the gist of it made me desperate to post!
I really hope you don't marry this man. I'm sorry.

With the exception of earning twice as much as you (I was the higher earner), your fiance is doing all the same things as X#2 did before our wedding. Now, with years of therapy under my belt, I can explain why I overlooked his domineering/controlling/manipulative behaviours - but I couldn't at the time. I used to ask myself "What makes you think this is acceptable, Grace?", then give myself entirely emotional responses like "I TRUST him! He loves me! He's good with money and I'm not!" All of which were lies, as it happens.

He showed me what was in store on our wedding day. He was vile to me. I nearly asked my Dad to drive me home after the party but, once again, lied to myself - embarking on a short, but totally head-fucking, marriage to the cunt. Can you tell I'm still a bit angry?

May I suggest you find a qualified therapist of the brisk, no-nonsense variety, and book yourself a handful of pre-nup sessions?

Bunny, been following this...so he has (for now) come up with the dosh...but what about the things like calling you a bastard and saying the car comes first? I would give this relationship serious thought as I justdon't believe a leopard can change their spots....

Bunny, your DF seems like my EXH.... He seems to be very cunning as he realised you were serious this time and that if you spoke with your parents that could possibly be the end so he makes sure you do not do that by being Mr Understanding. I fell for this so many times, my EXH would be totally awful to me and do such a U-turn that I was always left feeling confused and wondering why I was upset in the first place.

He has now cancelled his sister coming, put money in the bank etc because he knows you might leave him and he will have no-one to bully. I personally do not think he is repentant at all, but is merely pre-empting your moves so that you do get confused and wonder why you caused a commotion in the first place. As one poster has commented, you should ask yourself why he thought it was right to behave like that in the first place and how he now knows how to correct the situation. It means that he knows what he will be doing when he is being an arse and that will be his intention.

Sorry to be the voice of doom but he is displaying the same characteristics of my EXH to a T. Please let the dust settle and seriously consider whether he is the right person for you. He promises to pay more when you are on maternity leave but so far his actions do not mirror that and you wouldnt want to find out when you were on maternity leave that it was all lip service. Ask yourself whether you trust and love him. If there is any doubt to any of those questions then you need to leave him

best wishes

The one missing word in all your posts is the word "love". We know all about your financial arrangements but none about why you want to marry this twat.

Yes, he is 6ft 6ins, a handsome rich dentist with big tax bills, holidays, £8,000 ring, big house, flash car(well semi flash 35k doesn't buy much these days) and you bill at £210 per hr. I guess combined income is well north of £100k per year.

There was no comment such as "he promised to change and I love him too much to leave him". No instead it was a business decision such as "They are late delivering the product but promised to meet the new delivery date, so I will give them one more chance".

Other than a financial arrangement between two successful families we are totally at a loss of why you want to marry him.

If you can't manage your finances on your income, with no children, what chance when children come and you can't work.

If anyone feels sympathy for your financial situation I suggest you and they go on the "secretly poor" thread to read some trulu heartrending stories. Incidently most of the wives and husbands here stick together despite the hardships. I don't see you and the twat being able to survive this type of crisis.

I am sorry to be so blunt but you have had "tea and sympathy" from most posters, what you need is some tough love.

Wthout love its over.

Hello

I have been reading your posts with interest and I think you should still be careful.

My Ex used to do that. He would be vile to me and I would get upset. He would realise that he had gone too far and promise to change. It never happened.

He was full of promises, but nothing ever happened and he would go back to his bad old ways.

So please think it over.

Welshexpat, i get that you are honestly trying to help, but I really think you have missed the point a bit.

The issue of finances that Bunny describes is a symptom not the cause of the issues she has with her F.

Bunny, I've been following your thread. I have some experience with a very imperfect H and honestly I would advise you to think long and hard about what you really want.
You have identified the money thing as an issue. This has been reasonable easy for you as it is very clear to everyone how finances should work within a couple (no one should feel worried that their partner will withdraw funds for example). However, there are many many other issues that you have touched upon, that are equally disturbing. His basic sense of entitlement for example, his lack of respect for your point of view, and particularly the way he has dealt with arguments in the past (aggression, sulking, withdrawal). You are not seeing these things so clearly, though they are just as important as finances. He has successfully manipulated you to see things from his perspective (which is one of entitlement) and is pushing your needs aside.
In the long run, and with children - these things become crushing. If there is no change, I suspect you will be miserable.
It is very easy to make practical changes with regards to money, however it is more difficult to ask for respect and get it. He simply does not understand this, possibly this is a consequence of his upbringing. Regardless, his attitude is deeply ingrained, and will not be changed over night.
I would seriously urge caution with regards to marriage.
Btw - Why wait until you are married until you have shared finances? If he is as committed to change as he makes out, I would have expected him to be willing to be completely financially open from the outset?

Fizzy,

Exactly right. This started as an argument over £50 and has escalated from there. What I haven't heard in all these financial discussions is any basis for the engagement such as love. Plenty of comments from Bunny as to why she dislikes this twat but nothing about why she loves him.

And quite frankly a couple with such a high income who argue and come close to splitting up over £50, haven't much of a basis to continue.

Welsh,

Yes. I agree 100% and understand you now.

Your final sentence sums it really.

I did actually notice too the lack of the word love - but maybe it is because the OP is so exasperated with the situation that she doesn't indeed love her DF anymore.

I also think she is focusing on the financial aspects as she doesn't want to really look deeper and she is hoping this situation will be fixed. It's easier psychologically to focus on fixing a financial arrangement than to fix a relationship where there is no love and respect. (Being shouted at, insulted, etc - shocking stuff really, imo all part of the same abuse).

I do feel so much for the OP for being in such a horrible situation. All I can continue to say is "get out quick - you deserve so much better".

Good Grief!!!! Just been scanning through this thread and my gob has never been so smacked ..... Look, I know peeps get married for all kinds of reasons but, if you are thinking things through as you clearly are, you obviously have the good sense to see that you have equal merit in any given relationship. A good marriage has to be based on genuine mutual understanding, love & appreciation, in the round - good, bad & ugly. It is for better & for worst. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes &, if your partner doesn't get that, he's a moron....... And, if at this early stage, you are already having rows about money, then there doesn't seem to be much "We" in this relationship, just "I". Call me daft but, in my marriage, we each bring something to the table & it isn't all about dosh - that's so 80s Gordon Gecko. Sounds like your other 10th is more into power games & bullying, infantilising you, than a real, 3D relationship. Unless you can get him to grow up, stuff him........

Well, Bunny, I'm glad you're alright for now.

So he is going to try and even up the finances; about time. My guess is, even if this appears to be sorted, what about your relationship? Will you still have to struggle with his attitude towards you, and his belitting and sulking and every other thing you mentioned? If every day is a battle to keep his behaviour acceptable, is there really any point? You'll get tired of it and let it slide, and he will revert to type. I agree with others who feel he won't change and he's smoothing things over for now. After all, if you leave, he not only will have no-one to bully, but no-one to do all the chores and keep house and home together.

I don't think it's enough to love someone, you have to like them as a person too. I don't think there is much to like.

Bunny, I've nothing to add at the moment because everyone else's advice has been superb but just wanted to add my support.
Do what FEELS right and do listen to your gut.
xx

Echo all that has been said....esp. from Welshexpat.

I do feel for you.

Your (d)F may have made some changes regarding the money aspect but ultimately, this does not change the fact that he is an emotional blackmailer and a bully.

When the dust settles, you can be sure that he will carry on as before because he knows that he has done it before and got away with it....

Be honest with yourself - how else could you explain the way he behaves and talks to you?

Reading through your thread, he has accused you of being 'selfish & uncaring' - the very qualities he posesses himself!!

You need help in dealing with the way he talks to you when he starts up.

You need to be ready with a few answers such as:

• 'Well, that's your choice' (useful when you remind him that he bought a flash car over paying his tax bill)

• 'I'm sorry you choose to feel that way'

• 'Let's discuss it when you're not upset'

• 'Well your opinion differs from mine'

• 'I can see you're not happy, but that's the way it is'

• 'I think that needs a lot of thought.
  Let's talk about it later' (very useful when he starts making instant demands on you. Give yourself time to really think and don't agree to anything for a quiet life!)

• 'We see things differently'

• 'Obviously you're disappointed but it's not negotiable'

The above responses are bound to cause him to sulk and you will be sorely tempted to give in.

Don't back down. Remain calm & quiet.

And resolve the situation with a discussion ONLY WHEN he is ready to talk maturely.

He will feel powerless and desperate but still needs to save face, so 'stroke' him with praise for his good points (though you haven't told us if he has any....)

If it comes down to a compromise, set your boundaries and stay within them.

Practise practise practise - you need to be confident when you respond to his 'demands'. Because, ultimately, his behaviour is completely unnacceptable, and you are not going to tolerate it any more, are you??

Welcome to the New Bunny! Go Girl, You Can Do It!!!

Hi there,
A few years ago, I reached the end of my tether with my (then)bf. He was just like you describe, not the same, but many similar traits. I finished with him, and he begged and begged for me to come back. I refused. He found a therapist. After a few weeks, I relented and we got back together. He saw the therapist twice a week for a few years. It helped him, but it didn't change his personality, how could it?
In someways it showed him how he should and could behave and gave him an opportunity to check out whether his behjaviour was normal or abnormal with someone other than me.
His default position has always been to go back to being how he was before seeing the therapist. This is him. He can't change. He tried, which was nice, and he often behaves in nice ways, and I bel;ieve can be well intentioned. He is also a loving Dad, but when the dc get older and the relationship is more on their terms, I think he will struggle.

I said before, you have had your eyes opened, you know what this man is like. He is behaving this way before you are even married, believe me he will NOT get better when you are married, or if you have children.
Of course it is your decision,. and I for one will not judge you for making it. Ffs, I made the same one, but my goodness, it was the wrong decision for me, and it will be for you. Do NOT undersell yourself.

I too was seriously hurt by someone many years ago, and I really do think that thefre was safety in dh's flaws. I know that sounds mad, and it's a whole other can of worms.

You know what you need to do. Doing it is a different matter.

Good luck

Hi Bunny,

You probably need a little time to let everything sink in, but do be careful of one thing: don't stay with him now because you need to be the 'good girl'.

Too many of us do this (I did!) - we know deep down it should be over but then, when the OH starts behaving reasonably (usually because they know/suspect that you're thinking of leaving) you think you have to give it another chance, because that's what a good person would do.

Just because he's promised to change and do all the things you asked, it doesn't oblige you to stay with him if you no longer feel secure and loved.

And from some of your posts I get the feeling that you feel you have to prove to your parents that you've done all the right things and given it as much of a chance as you could. But look at what your parents said:

"I spoke to my parents who said that it sounded like things had been sorted out but that, of course, if I was anyway unhappy I should call things off. "

So listen to what your parents are saying - even though it sounds like things are sorted out, you can still call it off if you're unhappy.

I hope everything works out for the best and wish you lots of luck.

Just wanted to say take some advice from these ladies here, they talk sense! I wish I'd had MN years ago and maybe I wouldn't have been stuck in the situation I'm in!!

bunny, i've been following this from the start but not had a chance to read all the posts.

however, from those that i have read (which have been posted by some very savvy, intelligent women) i must nod my head quite consistently with all that has been said.

even at this new set of developments, i would be very, very careful and quite frankly i'm afraid i don't trust him as far as i "could" throw him.

you sound "on paper" like a fabulous, funny, intelligent, knowledgeable person - very succint in what they say and how they say it. quite honestly, the kind of person i'd meet and think i want them as a new friend in my life. you deserve and need much much more than this "man" is able to give you. i don't think the phrase "he only thinks about himself" has been more deserved.

i hope for your sake it works out but if it doesn't i hope you won't be afraid to leave (not being marrying to him or having children really does make it so much easier to go). please listen to the ladies on this forum - they clearly know what they're talking about.

very best wishes to you.

Wanker springs to mind. Leave and don't look back....honest advice

Bunny - how are you doing? Hope all's well.

Bunny - please, please get out while you still can. He's controlling you and I think you know it, deep down. If you're going to marry someone you have to love them exactly as they are, without wishing they were any different. If you're wondering whether you should marry this man, the fact that you're wondering should tell you that the answer is no.

Remember that people with his kind of personality are often the ones that hit their wives/partners. Supposing he decides that "punishing" you involves his fists?

Think about whether you want this man (hypothetically) to be the father of your children.

Marriages aren't just for a few years. Sure, they break down, but no one should go into a marriage expecting that it'll be for a while. Think about what it would be like to be with him for the rest of your life, and if that doesn't make you think "hooray! that'd be awesome!", then LEAVE.

I was in a relationship similar to this, and thought I couldn't do better so I stayed. The biggest favour he did me was when he dumped me.

Heavens-he´s a dentist & he´s quibbling about 50GBP that he can well afford.

Couldn´t have any respect for that.

Just wondering how you are doing?

bunny,you are solvent have a good job.you describe a materially comfortable life,house,prosperous marriage

no where in your posts is there any va-va-voom about him or your shared passions etc.do you dream of him or an idyllic prosperos life as dentist wife

i think you know he is a git but are compromising for social status.not completly sure you are the passive fiancee who is a wronged party.think you are complicit in accepting 2nd best,hoping it gets better

Gah! What happened?! Enquiring minds need to know.