Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

oh ok

Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. More important than shared interests, similar sense of humour, good sex. Without good communication, the marriage won't work and you will never, ever parent together successfully.

Bunny this is controlling behaviour, whether he realises it or not. And very very adolescent.
Don't explain.

oh dear bunny, i wouldn't normally be in the 'leave him' camp, but it's not looking ideal, tbh. you mention in your previous relationship that he was very generous financially, but unreliable emotionally, and now your df's perceived reliability makes him very attractive. believe me, you can have both in a relationship! you don't necessarily have to compromise on one or the other. and a man who will sulk and freeze you out if displeased with your behaviour isn't really emotionally reliable.

Curious about why he has a big tax bill to pay because he is self employed is you problem as according to him you are not sensible with money..........

If he was really sensible with money he would have been putting a % of his income away every month to cover this. Unless you have been spending stupidly between you (or just him) then it doesn't just jump on you it comes around every year.

I know there are reasons some people suddenly can't pay but the fiancee seems to have been working all this time and so should have allowed for this. Or is it just me who thinks this is the way to pay your tax bill and not just madly panic when it becomes due?

You make a mistake and have to pay for it. He doesn't save for his tax you both have to sort it out?

Oh and if you don't do what he wants he will not do what you have planned which you have already paid for from YOUR disposable income.

Sounds like a bit of a bully.

staines is right about this not being emotional reliability.

Well, I do think he is BTU, but, my own DH has tendencies (which I squash!!) to this kind of B. It usually happens when he is very stressed and he is always sorry when I show him the error of his ways!! If he is generally a kind man, he may just be one of those who tries to control his surroundings, in particular when he is stressed... Does this make sense?

You said: I am sick and tired of being treated as someone who constantly tries to "rip him off"

That's as much a red flag to me as the word "punish". If he doesn't trust you now, he won't ever do it. With this kind of man, you can spend years bending over backwards to prove that you're trustworthy, hoping to finally convince them, but you never will.

And now he's trying to blackmail you to attend this event?

Tbh, this sounds more like a rebound from your previous relationship than anything else.

He shouts at you and distrusts you and wants to "punish" you for a mistake? I can't see why you would want to go ahead with this.

Bunny, this situation has escalated all because of an initial £50.

Is he really as reliable as you think he is?

What would happen if you had a serious money issue?

I think you are right to be concerned. You have a lot of talking to do together and issues to resolve.

Bunny what a nightmare poor you.

For the text maybe you could text - "Are you sure you don't want to go? I can cancel the flight tonight if you are sure" So he has a chance to change his mind. Don't be bullied into doign something you don't want to. if you seriously don't want to go to the weekend thing explain it to him that you are not (are you?) being childish - you just don't want to go. Difficult not to tag tha ontot eh other argument and it to escalate though isn't it.

Also your relationship sounds a bit dodgy with him seeming to think money = power.
If you wont to stay with him I'd suggest the following ...

1. Start a [secret] savings acocunt of your own and put some money in there EVERY month - call it running away money/emergency fund/elastic bank account ... whatever ... so that he cannot have financial control over you down to the last penny. Every woman I know has enough money of her own to get away should she need to. He shouldn't know to the penny what you can and can't afford.

2. Start to talk about finances. I would start by saying you use the joint acocunt for more than the cleaner - use if for the bills, mortgage, insurance, Council tax etc - and suggest putting money in proportionally to how much you earn. See how he reacts to that. If you cannot work this out before you are married it will not change better once you are married. It also puts joint liability on him if he plays silly buggers with the money again.

Also talk about future finances. Ask him what you would do for money if you stopped working for Mat Leave etc.
Personally I would be really worried - you are already expressing doubts before you are married about what if you "misbehaved" whilst pregnant/not working etc. [My sister's controlling XP actually told all his friends and family that she was "a lazy cow who sat around all day doing nothing and not working" whilst she was off work on maternity leave and looking after their two children. He went on to become super controling, then abusive and then violent. And even now doesn't pay Child Maintenance. - It just sounds like a similar start] It's a slippery slope this control thing and if you are having red flag moments now I would TAKE NOTICE. I'm not saying leave him right now but test the water and REALLY REALLY test what your instincts are telling you. I'm not into superstision or stuff like that but your mind is very good at telling you what is really going on. No warning signs at all = super brilliant. But with SO long to go before the wedding and you are having major flag warnings - you'd be a fool to yourself not to heed them.

Sorry so long - but I am very worried for you - good luck with this. I hope you can work it out - whichever way.

BonoDoodah

While I can see the logic in point one of your post it makes me feel a bit sad. I don't know anyone who has this other than those I have worked with within a DV situation - and I have never ever been in a relationship where I have felt the need myself.

I'd be most worried about the stonewalling and the sulking. Are you happy to spend the rest of your life with a man who will react like this when you have an argument? I have seen other threads on here from women whose husbands do exactly this and it is incredibly difficult and painful to try and live with.

Have you read Gottman's research on marriage? He writes about the "four horseman of the apocalypse" which are factors that can destroy your marriage - one of which is stonewalling (the others are criticism, contempt and defensiveness). Apparently:

"All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman?s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce."

link here

You stated that your fiance would never even consider going to counselling, so you need to face the fact that his behaviour, and the way he deals with conflict (especially around money) will never change and, as other posters have said, will probably get worse after you are married.

I hope you find some of this helpful - I am worried about you as your relationship sounds rather miserable. Does he have any redeeming qualities other than buying you a big ring and being unlikely to cheat?

LadyA - sorry I don't mean it to be necessarily as an insurance against a DH - I absolutely LOVE my DH and trust him absolutely completely 100%. It is just about financial independence and safety. DH knows about my savings and I know about his but it doesn't stop me having them. Almost anything could happen that could mean a disaster fiancially and it is always good to have money in different places. (fraud, accident, injury, death, job loss, even mental health issues in a DP that make them suddenly financially unreliable - the list is endless)

If you marry him and have kids how is he going to treat you with regards to money when you're on maternity leave? What if you don't want to go back to work or only work p/t after having kids.

I'm sorry but he sounds controlling and bullying. I'd be very concerned with how this could escalate once you're married.

I think that is exactly the point LadyAnonymous. The measures BonoDoodah suggests might be necessary for the OP in the future (or even now) but really really shouldn't be in a healthy relationship. I personally think that having my own financial security is essential in any relationship and being financially dependant on anybody is really risky. But obviously there are occasions in a relationship where that might need to happen for whatever reason. Not trusting your partner to be able to take up the slack in that situation as Bunny is suggesting, is just red flag city as far as I am concerned!

You say that it was incredibly kind and generous of him to buy you such an expensive engagement ring.

Erm.... well, not necessarily. Maybe, if you'd secretly yearned after something so beautiful and he knew it would make you really happy to have it. Or, he could view it as a trophy. "Look what I can afford to give you, aren't I generous? Be grateful."

I'm guessing you would have been just as happy with something much smaller and less expensive?

Oh shit Bunny, you need to give him one opportunity to change his mind about the wedding then, if he still insists, cancel his flight. He really can't be allowed to think he is the 'dominant' partner - it does not bode well for you in the future if you accept this behaviour .

Sorry - slow typer! steamed totally agree! Stonewalling is another very large red flag!

he is unbelievable! seriously consider how you will be in 10yrs time with him.............

Bunny, I have read this thread and feel physically ill. reminds me of my relationship pre DH. I am in the 'get out now camp. '

The expensive engagement ring also to me seems another aspect of the same problem. He is 'stamping' you, if you like. (I say this as someone with a lovely ring also, so I am not anti-ring.... my point is that he is kind of branding you on his terms IYSWIM) It is a gesture of ownership if that makes sense. His behaviour is quite scary actually...... and the concept where he constantly talks about you 'trying to rip him off'... that is loopy given the circumstances you describe. He is betraying a very deeply held dislike and hatred of you.

Your parents gave you 40k for the house. Honestly.... if you walk out now and lose that, you might well find it a good investment in the long run. Can you talk to your parents... maybe go there tonight and get their honest help and support. Do you have that kind of relationship with them?

red flags waving everywhere.

I don't know what to think. Ironically, everyone sees him a laid back, easy going, type of guy and I am much more highly strung.

However, he is hugely stubborn. I am starting to wonder if, subconsciously, he actually doesn't like me. Why propose though?

He has a funny, almost verbal tic, where if we are having a laugh, he will start saying to me that I have been "naughty" and have to "say sorry". He will say it constantly until I tell him to shut up. This is actually giving me the creeps now (where previously I never thought about it as anything apart from an annoying habit) as I wonder if subconsciously he really means it.

It's so hard though as I just don't know if I am over-reacting or misexplaining things or what.

I can't believe that I have been engaged for six weeks and might have to leave him. Our engagement cards are still up

I think you need to tell him how you feel, how much his reaction is concerning you and why.

Do you feel you can tell him that? If you don't think you can they you definetly need to tell him to go.

Hey Bunny - no need to make any sudden decisions. Talk to him is the best thing. See how things go - no need to run - try and work out how things are without the anger of the recent argument.

I'm wondering about printing the thread out and just giving it to him.

He would refuse to read it though or rip it up or say that you were all bitter, single old hags so not sure if much point. (sorry, no offence and I don't think that)

I don't think having your own account with money in it is a sign that you've an unhealthy relationship, is it? Or did I miss the point. Or is it the secrecy that is the problem?

My DH works with perpetrators of DV and is absolutely paranoid about me being financially independent from him - it makes him uncomfortable if I discuss buying things from the joint account - he feels like I'm asking his permission (which I'm not). But I talk to him about it - so it's not a surprise when the bank statement comes in - but I feel secure in our relationship and I feel an equal partner.

And steamedtreaclesponge has a good point - there need to be other things in his favour than 'unlikely to cheat' - not that infidelity is unimportant, but that's a given surely?

I once stayed with an ex-BF too long. There were elements of control, verbal abuse, stonewalling, ritual public humiliation with him flirting with other women in front of me, me acting the peacemaker always, there were grand gestures. But nothing that really counted. I felt, before I had my epiphany, that 'well, a lot of relationships aren't perfect, the chances of me meeting someone now are pretty slim (I was only about 26 at the time), better the devil you know' and to be honest, the thought of breaking away from him and starting again on my own absolutely terrified me. It was easier to stay as I was even though I was desperately unhappy and knew it would never work. In the end I had enough - and it was the best thing I ever did.

I should point out that when DH and I got together, he worked in pensions, not with DV - in case you thought I'd gone from one extreme to the other!!