Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

Bunny another concerned lurker here.
Re: what you said about he is the only person who makes you feel you have misheard or misinterpreted things and think you've gone mad with him Have you looked up the term Gaslighting?
That I think is what he is (consiously or not) doing to you.
Please be gentle with yourself and get out.

Come in, Bunny.

We want to know if you're ok.

Thinking of you.

Hope you're ok Bunny

I think Bunny tends to post when she is at work.

bump. hope you are ok Bunny.

Bunny I have been following this and can only imagine how much turmoil you must be in.

Your whole life, present and future is going to turn out different to what you thought. But that is not a bad thing. It is a huge decision but so much easier to break off an engagement than go through a divorce and possible custody battle.

Look at your parents relationship. What kind of life do you want to be having in 10, 20, 30 years time. If you stay what do you think that future life with him will be like?

You are a young, succesful capable woman. You dont have to settle for a twat like him.

Another lurker just wondering how things went Bunny, hope you are ok.

Hope you're okay x

Bumping just because. Hopefully the silence is because Bunny is on her way to her parents, or taking the day off and chilling and enjoying herself.

I too hope all is going well.

Hope your weekend was ok Bunny- how are you feeling?

Shoot, I hope we're going to hear soon... this is stressing me out.

Just wanted to say that when I 'did the deed', ( well it was before internet days..!) no one heard from me for a while.

firstly because I had to leave there and then (my choice, once the words were out there was nothing to stick around for), and I rang in work on the Monday and said I would need a few days off to sort out some personal stuff.

If Bunny did have that discussion with her df last weekend its very likely that she might be away from all her usual internetty things.

Sometimes you just have to let dust settle before you can get back to old habits - like internetting!

Bunny hope you ok, everytime a thread like this comes up I feel like I am in a timewarp. But hopefully very soon whenever you see a thread like this you can also come on and say 'that was me, I got out and survived'.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Here here Flibbertyjibbet - I was there - hope Bunny is too soon. When you're ready Bunny please tell us how you are - until then the good wishes are wainting for you.

Thinking of you too, Bunny.

Oh Bunny - I've been away all weekend and come back to see how you're getting on - only to see you haven't posted for a while.

I hope the weekend wasn't too stressful for you, whatever you decided to do - and that you are coping with your situation.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Thinking of you Bunny.

Hope it all goes well.

Been thinking of you too. Whatever happened, I know it must be a terribly hard time for you. Big hugs xxx

Just another one wondering how things are.

If you haven't managed to cut the ties, Bunny, you can still come and chat to us. I know it sounds hectoring, sometimes, all these voices joined in unison, but we do care, and we're not going to judge.

And I want to know about TortoiseshellOstrich too!

When DH and I met I was earning more than him. When I got pregnant we discussed who would stay at home with the baby. He earned enough to keep us, I didn't, so I stay at home. I haven't worked for 10 years {bloody hell } apart from doing 2 jobs for him at his work, and he has supported all of us himself for all that time. He pays all the bills then gives me most of what is left to get what I need for the kids/house/animals and to feed us.

I think your fiance is a controlling bully and i would be packing his bags tbh. I would also not let him have £20,000 from the house value.

'I don't know what to think. Ironically, everyone sees him a laid back, easy going, type of guy and I am much more highly strung.'Bunny I felt I had to comment on this as my EXH was viewed by people as such. However he was a controlling bully who painted me as irrational and highly strung to everyone and in the end even I believed I was a pain the backside. He was extremely controlling with money and I can remember one day when I was pregnant with our DS having no money for bus fare and the way he treated me to get that bus fare to get to work left me in tears. I felt like a baby asking for money for sweets. He controlled everything of my life and now that we have split he is still trying to control me via our son. I would urge you to think very carefully about the relationship. He was very upset when I referred him to the CSA because he had to pay more money for his son and rang me up with all sorts of petty threats which as someone mentioned above can be quite intimidating. I find myself getting panic attacks from just receiving a text from him. All of this because of how was entirely controlling with finances and everything. Everything was my fault and if I didn't agree with him he made my life a misery (and still is vicariously). It was always up to me to clear the air too etc etc. I am not saying split with him but do take some time to analyse your relationship. If you are made to feel unreasonable or manipulative when in fact you are doing the opposite then alarm bells must ring for you. Good luck

Hi Everybody - thank you so much for your messages and apologies for the delay in posting.

F did not actually go out on Friday night and we stayed in and had a conversation as he said he wanted to resolve matters.

That obviously made it very difficult to speak to my parents. I managed to briefly and they did say I should talk to him on the Friday and I could come home, of course, if I wanted to.

My mum said that, without being bossy, I had to actually just state what I expected to happen (politely).

I'm not sure what to think. I explained to F that I had been really shocked with what had happened and that I would not under any circumstances marry someone who would not tell me what they earned and agree that we both had equal access to money.

He did then tell me what he earned (albeit the last two years of figures as these are the ones which have been signed off by his accountant).

He also went out that evening and got the £40 out of the bank to give to me and gave me his card to book hotel rooms for the two nights we are at the wedding.

He agreed that when we got married we could (if I wanted) have a joint account then that all the money goes in to. His only point was that we should still keep the "housekeeping" joint account for bills etc.

He also apologised for saying that he would not put the money in the joint account and said the he had no intention of not doing that but accepted that he should not have said this.

I am now completely confused.

I spoke to my parents who said that it sounded like things had been sorted out but that, of course, if I was anyway unhappy I should call things off.

I really don't know what to think as I actually was not expecting this to happen.

He arranged with his sister not to come on the Saturday night so we had sometime to ourselves too.

All has been calm for the last four days or so. I am sorry that I didn't post but I wanted to try and get straight what I was thinking but I don't actually know so I can't tell you. This could all blow up again so I don't know if I am better to just walk away now or to believe his.

Re the joint account - he has said he will put an extra 33% contribution as of this month.

I so appreciate all of your messages and rupert thank you so much for saying that I could come and stay with you.

I know you will all be sick to death of me because I look like someone who can't follow good advice when it is given but I am actually completely confused.

Catsmother - I think you made a very good point though about the tax bill always being hung over my head as a get out of jail free card and we don't have a joint account now so that could be the case

Thanks for getting back to us, Bunny. We were concerned for you.

God, no wonder you are confused. I am!

It will be interesting to see if he stays true to what he has said. I'm surprised at his reaction to a certain extent, but am concerned that it may be all talk no substance and he's just saying the things he wants you to hear.

I'll re-read your post again.

Thanks *knotty" - I'm so confused too.

I have been thinking and thinking and trying to get things clear in my head before posting but I actually couldn't so I just posted anyway in case anyone had any thoughts.

I have checked the bank account and the extra money has gone in but, of course, he could stop that.

knotty I mean