Bloody, twatting, (D)F

[Bunnysoprano]

I am absolutely sick to death and need some perspective. However, I should warn you, this is long.....

This weekend, I parked my car in the drive in front of DF's car. We had two sets of keys - DF lost one set but denies it. Usually, I leave my keys in a glass bowl in the hall but, for some reason this weekend, I stuck them in my bag.

Today, I had to leave the house about 5:30am as was travelling for work. Whilst on the train to Glasgow, I got a text from DF saying he couldn't get his car out as I had blocked it in and taken my keys. Naturally (and I do understand this), he was annoyed.

He then got a taxi to and from work today which cost £50. However, he has used the money that I take out each month from our joint account to pay for the cleaner. I am apparently to pay this back as I need to be "punished" (I kid you not!) for what I did today re the car.

I have arrived home this evening at 10:00pm after travelling to and from Glasgow today an d am rather tired. Therefore, I have not taken very kindly to this and am absolutely fuming. Part of the reason is because F is saying that he can't afford to take a taxi to work and back (notwithstanding the fact that he is pretty much a three figure earner). Now, I do accept that it was wasted money due to my mistake but I earn nearly half of what he does. I have just paid nearly £400 for flights this month for us to go to a wedding which has left me very short on the basis that DF would sub me if I needed any money. I trusted him to do this but obviously this isn't happening.

We both put equal amounts in the joint account but just enough to cover the bills so there is no flex. F is making dire threats about not putting money in this month etc if I don't pay for the taxi etc.

I know this all sounds RIDICULOUSLY childish but I have actually had a moment of utter panic and thought that I can't actually marry someone who is going to treat me like this. What if I am off on maternity leave and need "punished"?!?!? Will I get no money.

I am fuming and have actually taken myself off in the spare bedroom to sleep tonight and think about things.

I am quite prepared for a total flaming as I am SO angry I can't think straight but AIBU about this?!?

I wonder if you could afford to stay in the house with a sharer until it was sold?

At least they would be paying half of the bills!

Keep going Bunny. We're all thinking of you and are right behind you.

Bunny, I think you're incredible!
Good luck.

Hi Bunny - been lurking on your thread and just wanted to say good luck tonight and I hop it goes as well as it can. I think you are doing the right thing. x

Bunny - I know it's hard splitting up but I think you are SOOO lucky. Lucky to realise before you get married; lucky that you won't have to put your children through a break up; and lucky that when your children do arrive, it will be to the father they deserve and not this man.

(Right man is out there somewhere, just wait and see...) x

Bunny I haven't read every single post but wanted to add my support. I think you will be much happier out of this and it's really a good thing that this has happened before the wedding. He's controlling and unpleasant, and his attitude to money is just impossible.

You are 32 years old, have a job where people pay £210 per hour for your services, loving parents who lend you £40,000 no questions asked, a flat being rented and an £8,000 diamond ring. You are far more independant than 99.9% of your contempories and yet you are afraid to kick this schmuck out.

You rationalise your refusal of every bit of advice to close it down now. This pattern of abuse has been going on for some time, now is the time to end it. Your mother was right "how did you let it get so far". Ask yourself why, before you enter another relationship.

The refusal to cancel the lunch on Sunday is indicative that you still can't make up your mind that its over. You know it is going nowhere. What is the problem in just doing it and avoiding an embarassing encounter with friends?

On a practical level, if you can't afford the mortgage payments talk to your lender. They understand these situations and will give you time to sell the house especially as you have a good job. Your parents will probably help too as this will make it more likely that they get their 40k back.

Ignore Welshexpat. To put it charitably, she's missed the point...

Agree with the others about getting a lodger. Try to hold on to the house if you can. If not - well, better now than five years down the track.

Keep thinking about what you said about not bringing children into this. It was just that thought that gave me the strength to leave a very bad relationship...

It's so true about children. I've seen many sad threads on here by women who have split up from nasty, controlling twats and then have to hand their children over to them for contact and deal with the fallout, and be held to ransom by them for money. Someone who likes to play mind games with money and "punishment" is not going to make a good dad - and if you split up after having children, he would bring those undesirable qualities into play in that scenario more than ever.

Yes it's hard to do - but you can do it.

Bunny - what is he spending his money on for god's sake! He must be earning well into 6 figures and even with that car he should still be very comfortable - there is something odd there.

But please stay strong and focused - he really is a knob.

God - I'd want to have punched him last night and my face really did do this when I read what he'd said.

You'll be fine - you're young, lovely and have a brilliant career and the very good sense to realise something was wrong with your relationship before you actually got married. Walking away takes a lot of strength.

You'll be surprised I think at how wonderful and supportive your friends and family will be. I doubt he's pulled the wool over their eyes as much as you think.

you're doing the right thing.

he is the one who is wasteful.

it's unbelievable really what he is, but i'm so glad you've got supportive parents.

Bunny oh dear and good luck tonight ... I have everything crossed for you and hope you are okay.

This sounds like such an abusive realtionship and it must be shocking and hurting and feel humiliating. You're reeling with the revelations to yourself that you've been suppressing. But don't feel embarased. It's not embarassing to love someone - and controlling people like F are very good and manipulating people so they don't know it and grinding people down so they accept all the sht they give you. It IS NOT YOU* it is him. I'm not shouting leave him leave him - that's your choice (but I SOOOOO hope you do) - but I think you are getting there on you own. You deserve way more than this tosser can ever offer you.

And if it comes to it .... don't worry about him moving out and not paying the mortgage. Talk to the bank immediately he leaves and they are duty bound to help you find a reasonable compromise to paying the mortgage while you try and sell. Sounds like you have a good deposit so they won't be too worried about losing their equity. Please don't move out yourself - that gives him the financial upper hand. You can justify you staying by saying you have the highest equity stake. And don't give him the ring back either (They are not a returnable gift). You can sell that and use the cash to pay the bills you if need.(Traditionally that's why women are given gold and jewlery when they get engaged/ married - so if anything happens to their husband - they are wearing their assets and can walk away with some security).

Oh and stop with worrying what people will think if you cancel dinners and things. Invent a migraine / bad Period Cramps / embarassing women's problems / anything and say you are just not up to it. (It does happen you know) Afterwards they will understand why and be full of sympathy for you.

Good luck and I hope he doesn't get aggressive tonight - try and keep your cool

((((hugs))))

(ps well said anyabanya and back off with the aggressiveness Welshexpat - she's dealing with enough of that already)

I've just read all of this thread and whilst I really feel for you - your life is in turmoil and you have every right to feel upset and hurt by your DFs horrible behaviour - I have to agree somewhat with Welsh. All your posts are littered with figures and references to how much things cost. Maybe it is because you have successful parents but I think possibly your interest in money, appearance and how much things cost is something you could try and minimise in future relationships as it doesn's seem to have been healthy in this one - I mean why on earth didn't you question him when he bought the £35000 car after just having borrowed £20000 from your parents!!

You are still young, honestly, and you will come through this stronger - after all, as others have said, you are actually in a remarkable position compared to most of the rest of the country re: your assets and earning potential on your own - you don't need him.

Everyone wants to have a nice lifestyle and biy nice things when they can afford it - but you two sound like a couple of students arguing over £40 - not a couple of well-paid professionals. Something is not right there. You need to get your finaces sorted asap or get out I would say, like everyone else.

FWIW, everyone I know who has maintained separate finances/accounts from their partner/husband has ended up splitting up. And I have never heard of someone refusing to tell their partner how much they earn!! (is he trying to hide something? Has he exagerated the amount he earns, has he run up debts you don't know about?) I know it is difficult when you earn disparate amounts (or one stays at home) but surely a partnership means equal benefit from the family income? What will happen when kids come along? Who will pay for the nappies?

My DP and I have always had a joint account since we first bought a property together and tho we still have our own accounts, we just transfer everything into the joint one - and we are not even married! I know it is easier for us as we earn roughly the same and I am grateful that I can buy whatever I want, whenevre I want, as can he - as long as it is affordable. But I also know that if I wanted to buy a Mulberry handbag he wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered as long as the money was there and when we need to buy a new car we discuss it together. This seems healthier to me.

Hope things seem clearer soon, sorry you are having such a nightmare. (PS please believe everyone who says 32 is young!!)

Bunny .... good luck for this weekend. I really hope you can get through it without too much unpleasantness.

And FWIW, I really don't think you come across as obsessed by money - not at all. Having very little money myself - despite workking 55 hrs a week and never getting anywhere - I admit I am quite touchy towards people who show off about their wealth, or the types who suggest it is only right and proper they are wealthy because they work hard (forgetting that so do 100s of 1000s of lower paid workers) .... and I really haven't got any of those sorts of vibes from you whatsoever.

I think by necessity - to explain the lack of trust, the belittlement and the meanness, you have had to refer to figures so we can properly understand your situation. Money is the major way twatface controls you and it's him who comes across as money minded - and obviously not in a good or realistic way. The fact you have subbed him without question for so long - until now !! - shows that intrinsically you are a generous person who wanted to make your other half happy. I think that had you been less inclined towards generosity, the scales would have fallen from your eyes sooner.

preghead - I think you are missing a few things:

"All your posts are littered with figures and references to how much things cost. Maybe it is because you have successful parents but I think possibly your interest in money, appearance and how much things cost is something you could try and minimise in future relationships as it doesn's seem to have been healthy in this one" - that is because the whole thread is how he is controlling the relationship through money and how his attitude to money is impacting her finances.

"I mean why on earth didn't you question him when he bought the £35000 car after just having borrowed £20000 from your parents!!" - she did:

he would go ballistic and shout at me that the "car came first" and he would "never, ever compromise on the car and I needed to learn that".

Not a teeny weeny bit unreasonable perhaps?

Nothing that Bunny has written suggests to me that she is the one with the wrong attitude to money. Yes £40 is pathetic for 2 adults to be squabbling over but that is the entire point of the thread. The OP knows that and had a feeling that the was wrong hence why she posted in the first place.

Sorry catsmother x-posted!

Just wanted to wish you well over the weekend, will be thinking of you. And I totally agree with what catsmother just said!

I've been following this thread.

I hope that it all goes well.

Good luck.

This will probably be the hardest thing you've ever had to do but you can do it. You have all the positive vibes from MN behind you (if you believe in that sort of thing).

I hope you realise just how strong you are...

Oh FGS, it's not bunny with the problematic attitude towards money! As others have said, she's just trying to explain to us the situation, and counter balance his apparent lack of reason.

Don't take any notice, Bunny.

Ditto all the above, you should not marry someone who thinks you need to be "punished" - does not sound like a relationship of equals.

Please people. Bunny talks about money because that is what F is on about all the time. That is the symptom, manifestation, major weapon HE is using AGAINST HER. She is waking up/has woken up to the fact that the things he has been telling her all along are rubbish. She needs to reiterate these things to herself and to us and to people in RL as that constitutes her reality check.

The major problem with her attitude to money is that she is generous and doesn't place that much importance on it, and that is why she is now in the situation she finds herself in. That is why it has been such a good weapon for HIM, because it is NOT important to her, and he has used this trait against her. FGS people, read her posts, and THINK.

Bunny, ignore them. You are fine.

Bunny - hope you are OK.

He just goes from bad to worse - he's not listening to you, not at all.

I hope you manage to have a good chat with your Mum & Dad over the weekend and get your head around what's happening.

Please ignore the people who say you are focussing on the money etc - they clearly haven't read the whole thread... they should be ashamed of themselves.

Hi Bunny. I've been lurking and just want to say that I know and you know that it's going to be horrible in the short term, but it will be better in the long term for you to get out of this relationship (and you know that). You're a strong lady and you can do this! Keep going! Your parents will help you out financially and emotionally as and when you need it. You don't need him. You will be much better off (emotionally and financially (ha! he's a numpty when it comes to that!) without him. Wishing you all the best.

bump. hope you are okay today Bunny.