Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@Penguinsandspaniels

It's through the living room and bedroom as well as the bathroom. To put it bluntly and TMI, 'plops' and streaks. I assume he was probably too drunk to make it to the bathroom in time. It's the fact that he's content to 'live with it'. It shows the depths he's sunk to.

I pretty much screamed at him about it (more than once) and he veers from 'it's the dog's' to 'it was like that before you left'. Mind you, both the dog and I have been gone over a year and I assure you, there was not shit on the carpet when I lived there! But at no time will he accept responsibility for it. But what gets me is that even if it was the dog or I left shit on the floor, why in God's name would any sane person leave it there for a year. It just blows my tiny mind.

Tho if he lets house go to shit - literally

surely that means you woo get less month for it

can a cleaner come in

@Penguinsandspaniels

He won't allow a cleaner in. The house will obviously have to be cleaned and 'sanitized' before it goes on the market. But it's so old and in bad shape anyway that it's not going to go for top dollar. And since our financial settlement specifies that he gets more of the profit because I kept more financial assets I probably won't see a penny. I'm good with that because I wanted those assets 'up front' rather than the speculative 'half the profit'.

To tell you the truth, right now I don't care about what it sells for or when it sells. I do have an order to sell the house, but I can't make him pay for or do any clean up. All I'd be able to do would be go back to court (at a cost of $$$$) and have him evicted. Then the cleaning and hoarded junk removal would all be on me to pay for and because of the settlement I'd have to go to court again (at another cost of $$$$) to try to 'claim back' from his share of the profits. I can't deal with that, I don't have the emotional strength right now.

My best hope is that at some point a SW manages to get in the house and sees how he's living. From there he might be declared 'incapable of making decisions in his own best interest' and he'd be put under a conservatorship. They'd have to deal 'fair and square' with me on selling the house and they'd have to use his money for the clean up as I'd file an 'injured spouse' claim as I didn't create the mess.

@AcrossthePond55 I admire how calm you can be about it. I used to get so cross when it was just the bed sheets. It's such a relief to have accepted we are going to separate & been able to move into another room. Now it's up to him if he wants to sleep in shit stained sheets for weeks. I will of course be very magnanimous in offering to let him take the bed & mattress when he finally moves out (because the only use i would have for it would be burning it for bonfire night!)

It's been a rough few days here, after doing fairly well at drinking down to a manageable level that he was going to stick at till his alcohol worker appt next week, he went spectacularly off the rails on Monday & I have had 4 days of being shouted abuse at in his brief awake spells & yesterday i had to wrestle a full box of his mental health meds off him as he was about to down them with a bottle of vodka.
I'm wondering at what point i will ever be able to have a sensible conversation about what level of divorce pay out he would need to leave if he's never sober.
It's going to be a very long wait for the divorce to be finalised if we're still living together for all that time!

@Ebananascroogey

I don't know if it's 'calm' as much as it is numb. I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with potentially TWO separate court battles. And in the end it would cost me probably close to £12000 for those court battles to get him out and then try to recoup clean up costs. And clean up costs will probably be at least £20k if not more. I just can't see myself paying that money up front (which I can't afford if I want to be fiscally responsible for my own future). And so what choice do I have but to just sit numbly until something or someone sticks a cattle prod up my arse and makes me do it.

The bed & mattress thing made me laugh. I was also 'magnanimous' in leaving the shit stained items behind. And in one of his attempts to lure me back, he 'promised' me that if I came home I could have that bed to myself and he'd sleep in his recliner. Oooooh, it was so hard to resist that tempting offer, but I did manage to do so.

God I'm so sorry you had such a shit few days.

I'm wondering at what point i will ever be able to have a sensible conversation about what level of divorce pay out he would need to leave if he's never sober.

I think you need to acknowledge that that time may never come and begin to contemplate what you may need to do to get the peace you deserve. I left our house due to his abusive behaviour, but I wouldn't have wanted it anyway so it was an easy decision for me. But it's something you may need to think about unless his behaviour gets bad enough to get the police involved and a non-mol ordered. I forget, have you spoken to a solicitor? Even if you have, speaking to them again about how to get him out (if possible) may not be a bad idea.

Hello, I’ve name changed for this. Tomorrow my dd (22) is going into rehab for drugs and alcohol. It’s her first time. My DM and DB are both alcoholics (DB also coke addict) and are in recovery. I’ve had this shit all my life, I never dreamed it would be my little girl one day. She hasn’t had a drink since Saturday and she’s been withdrawing all week, she’s over the worst now. I’m just broken and don’t know how I’ll manage to keep it together for her tomorrow.

You are both @AcrossthePond55 and @Ebananascroogey making me relieved that dh didn’t shit the bed

obv I have a high bar lol

tho I did look at his new mattress that I got him (free) and it’s stained - shudders

@AcrossthePond55 I hear what you're saying about considering my options, & I know I might sound really awkward,but I dont think I can.
When we met all the assets were mine, so I know he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on our home & my solicitor has strongly advised not to let him to minimise his claim. She's advised what is fair & I could probably raise that money without losing this house if I could engage him in conversation.
I have debated selling & a fresh start, but I've been overwhelmed with support from neighbours who have become friends & I don't want to lose that.
Annoyingly because he claims debilitating mental health conditions (that he gets no treatment for) she also thinks an occupation order is unlikely, so I am a bit stuck until he agrees to something or the 20 weeks is up.
I think it is actually the hardest bit of all this that my happy future is literally a fingertip out of reach!

@Harddaysnight1 welcome.
That sounds so hard for you, coping with one alcoholic is hard, I dont know how you manage three.
I've got no good advice as im not far enough on yet,but others will be along soon with lots of wise words.
Just keep posting, it really does help.

@Ebananascroogey divorcing an alcoholic is a nightmare, because it is almost impossible to have sensible discussions but you can go ahead with making your offer to him through a solicitor. Divorce can still happen without his cooperation.

@Harddaysnight1 I am so sorry to hear about your DD and hope so much that rehab is the start of her recovery.

Rehab is positive news @Harddaysnight1

hope you have some support

Welcome @Harddaysnight1. I am sorry to read your story. Will this be your DD’s first time in rehab? How long is the programme she will be doing? It must have been very tough to see her withdraw. My Ex always needed a medically managed withdrawal - either inpatient or once in the community, collecting the Librium daily. He is addicted to alcohol and also coccaine. He drinks daily from morning to night and probably uses coke a few times per week.

sending you love

@Ebananascroogey

Well, sounds as if you've dotted your is and crossed your ts with your solicitor. And I agree, you are kind of stuck.

The reason I got what I wanted in our legal separation is because he 'defaulted' by not submitting needed info and a counter-proposal so what I asked for was submitted by my attorney with a request for judgment. It was determined to be 'fair and equitable' by the judge and so ordered. The whole thing took a bit longer than it needed to because if a person doesn't cooperate you have to serve them a request to respond and then a request to submit financials and each time wait a certain amount of time before you can proceed to the next step.

If he won't 'engage' with you about the house at some point won't you be able to submit what your sol feels is fair and equitable and a judge can order it 'by default'? I know that divorce is no fault in the UK, so he can't really stop you from getting a divorce. My esDH seemed to have the feeling that if he didn't cooperate that I wouldn't be able to get a legal separation. Possibly your H feels the same about the divorce?

@Harddaysnight1

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with your DD. But if she's willing to go to rehab, that's a step in the right direction.

They say that addiction has a genetic link, so I don't think it's unusual to find more than one addict in a family. But it certainly must be difficult to deal with!

My brother (in recovery 11 years) told me that drinking fruit juice can help with mild withdrawal symptoms. If DD is still feeling bad, maybe that might help.

Good luck for tomorrow. We'll be here with prayers and good thoughts for you and DD.

Thank you! Yes, it’s her first time. She’s had issues since she was 15, had therapy but never admitted that she had a problem until now. She’s been amazing this week. Her withdrawals haven’t been too bad, sweating, shaking, being sick and hot flushes but I actually told her that she should have a drink and rehab can manage the detox but she’s been determined not to, which I hope bodes well. She’s still not eating properly but most of it has stopped now and she’s drinking gallons of lucozade. She’s been really aggressive as well, which is killing me though I’m using every last ounce of patience in my body.

My DM has done loads of Librium detoxes over the years, and my best friend’s dad sadly passed away withdrawing so I’m aware how dangerous it is and it’s been a very scary week.

Thank you all for your kind wishes. Nobody else gets it but sadly you all do. I remember listening to a lady sharing at an Al-Anon meeting years ago about her DD and afterwards I cried in the car for about half an hour. I couldn’t stand the thought of ever going through that with her (she was only a toddler at the time). It was my worst nightmare, and here we are.

All my Al-anon stuff has gone out the window this week, I’ve just been completely focused on her but I need to start putting myself back together after tomorrow.

I’m glad the worst of the withdrawals are over. Ex used to start withdrawing over night he was that heavily physically dependent. It’s horrible. I hated all the muscle spasms. He used to find that his sleep was really disturbed too around day 5. Fluids are the most important thing, her appetite will come back once the toxins are fully out of her system.

like you say, this week has been about getting her and you through. Although it is desperately sad/ painful dropping them off to rehab, she will be safe and supported there and it will give you a chance to process all the stress and have some peace.

How did today go @Harddaysnight1? Hope everything went well and you are taking some time for yourself this evening

Thank you for asking! It went well. They didn’t let us say much of a goodbye but DD was quite calm when we left her. I managed to hold it together but cried buckets all the way home. Her key worker rang me this afternoon to let me know she was settling in well and DD rang this evening (they get their phones back for an hour in the evening). The doctor has given her some diazepam and she said she’s being mothered by all the other residents. I feel calmer tonight but exhausted.

I know I’ve got four weeks now to firm up my boundaries because I can’t go back to how it’s been. I don’t think I’ve even realised how much I’ve been living on my nerves the past few months, while making excuses and burying my head in the sand. I’m actually looking forward to a restful weekend.

As hard as it is, and this week has been completely brutal, I know how lucky we are to finally be in this position - she’s finally admitted that she has a problem and can’t stop, and we can afford to pay for the rehab. So many of you aren’t there yet, and I don’t take it for granted. Sending lots of love to you all. x

I’m glad it went so well. They don’t let you have much of a goodbye, it’s true! I remember rehab 1, it was Ex through the gate (staff member came to greet at the gate) and a wave goodbye pretty much. I didn’t even step foot. I guess it’s to prevent any last minute loss of resolve.

Go easy on yourself this weekend and target next week for a reset of boundaries.

I'm glad it went well, @Harddaysnight1 . Your DD has taken such an important step in accepting she has a problem and then committing to rehab. Recovery is often a matter of fall over and then get up again, but if she wants it, it's possible.

Now is the time for you to work on yourself. What good boundaries without enabling looks like for you, only you can know - but you can certainly afford some time to breathe and just be.

If you want support, SMART Family & Friends might be for you.

And welcome to the group.

Does anyone else who left their addicted partner/ went no contact with an addicted family member still get nightmares about their addiction? I go through phases of them and I absolutely HATE it. This week I keep waking up drenched in sweat having dreamt that I am still with Ex and trying to save him from addiction. Usually some sort of chaos is going where he is missing and I am trying to find him or I am trying to persuade him into treatment or he is launching some form of verbal tirade while I hunt around the house for empties. We’ve been separated a whole year now, why does he still haunt my dreams

You're not going to like this, but my nightmares about my late husband drinking went on for about 5 years after his death. It's only recently that my dreams of him are rare and benign (in them we're just living married life as if none of it ever happened, though they're usually lucid so I know that's wrong).

Living with an addict is an enormous trauma and unfortunately it has to be proccessed.

I actually find it reassuring that it’s normal even if I am in for the long haul @pointythings! I wondered if I was overly hung up on Ex that I was still having nightmares. So it’s basically my brain’s way of processing all the trauma? I know realistically how traumatic that time was (I was honestly so physically and mentally ill by the time I managed to permanently leave) but sometimes because I’ve had such good support on this board and at smart to come to terms with it all, I minimise the trauma (if that makes any sense). There probably is a form of ‘loved/love an addict’ PTSD really. NOTHING about that life was normal.

I also had an alcoholic father so I imagine there is a degree of processing the trauma of Ex and then processing what he triggered about my childhood? I still can’t get my head around how I managed up with an addict after having a first marriage with a really good man - we grew apart and probably weren’t ever compatible, but he had no addictions and is still is one of the best Dads I’ve ever seen.