Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

Aww bless her, you are absolutely right. She shouldn’t have to be fixing her Dad’s mistakes even now as an adult by facilitating his contact with her little sister, I bet addiction wrecked enough of her younger life as it is, I didn’t realise she was that much older and you had step GC!!

Reckon this is where you say f**k it tbh - Ex created this problem, it’s for him
to solve. Phone/ text contact it is.

Yes I have 3 step kids all in their 30’s - so was 18 , 22 and 23 I think when met their dad

older 2 sons don’t see or speak to him as fed up with his drinking.

I’m in my 50’s now and ex will be 60 next year

Tbh they are amazing and all adore dd and if anything happens to me I know they would look after dd - dsd is dd guardian

@Penguinsandspaniels I encouraged my kids to see their dad as I worried they'd feel guilty later -it was clear his spiralling was going to end badly. Now I wish I hsdn't bothered. I don't think it made them feel better in any way.

Oh @Penguinsandspaniels I'm so sorry he's been a nob again. What is it with these addicts that they can switch from nice to abusive & back again & we'll all just go along with it & carry on as normal?
I can only agree with what everyone else has said, let him put in the legwork for contact, facilitate a WhatsApp call maybe if DD wants it, but nothing else.
Your DD certainly does sound like a wise little soul & she might appreciate the break from feeling like she has to see him?
Never doubt though that all you've done is in her best interests, thag comes through so clearly from your posts.

I hope some of you remember me. I’ve not posted for a couple of months, trying to get my head around everything with my own thoughts rather than any other influences if you see what I mean.
Dh continued to be unable to see what was happening to him and its impact on everything. In August he stopped wanting to see us really after I noticed and told him I was worried that the whites of his eyes were yellowing and his ankles swelling.
He passed away 2 weeks ago, from ruptured esopgagal varices caused by chronic alcoholic cirrhosis.
We are all just devastated. Telling my girls he had gone was hell, and I feel so desperately protective of him. I wish he had listened, I hate what was happening to him and how it changed him. I hope he never felt abandoned and knew how much he was loved and always will be. And I feel incredibly cruel and guilty that he wasn’t with us in his last weeks, even though I know it was his only hope to see what was at stake and how I had no choice as a mum to protect our children.
How do get through this, my thoughts are a mess.
I’ve been reading about you all on here, and still thinking of how we all link together in ways no one else really understands. X

Sorry to read this @Littlewhitedaisytho sounds like you still loved dh

we can’t make them listen or stop and you had to protect your dd

thinking of you all 🌸

@Littlewhitedaisy. So sorry to hear this news, it makes absolute sense that you feel devastated, we all love or loved them once and that means we also grieve. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and let yourself feel what you need to. Xxx

@Littlewhitedaisy I am so very sorry. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone self destruct and be able to do absolutely nothing about it.

Everything you feel right now is valid. Let yourself grieve, support your children, seek out help if you feel you need it, because this is going to be a complex bereavement. And keep posting here.

I’m so sorry for your loss @Littlewhitedaisy. I remember your from a couple of months ago. Your middle DD has complex needs?

You did everything you could for DH. But you absolutely had to draw a line and put yourself and your DDs first. He wasn’t changing with your support and with all the warnings from the medics about his health. You withdrew, with love, from the ringside seat to him killing himself because you can’t cure or control or fix an addict.

it is the early days of very complex grief and I am sending all my love and healing wishes to you and your DDs. Xxx

@Littlewhitedaisy

I''m just repeating what others have said, but in these circumstances you cannot hear it too much.

This is not your fault. You did everything you could. You made the right decisions. The bottom line is that they chose alcohol over us, over their children, and in the end over their own lives. So give any guilt you feel back to him (metaphorically speaking). Because it does not belong to you.

Your feelings are valid, no matter what they are. Anger, love, sorrow, pity. They are valid and they are HUGE right now. But go ahead and feel them, it's OK. In time those feelings will find the right places in your 'head' and in your heart.

Love yourself, love your family, and love him. And love your memories of the good times. What happened in the bad times doesn't negate them.

I wish you peace, and blessings going forward.

So sorry @littlewhitedaisy. I know how hard this is. Try and let the guilt go and focus on the now and on moving forward. You weren't being cruel -you were taking care of your children when he couldn't. Your DH had choices at every point and he made really bad ones. It is tragic that he has died, and his death will impact on your girls, Let their school know, Consider counselling for them. Losing a parent so young is terribly hard and having a parent die of alcoholism adds extra layers of complication. Thinking of you. x

@Littlewhitedaisy , so sorry for your loss. Please do not feel responsible. If you hadn’t made that distance you would be wondering now if leaving would have saved him. Ghastly in every way.
I’ve had my adopted young adult here today in absolute pieces. Last week has brought up so much stuff they try not to think about. Their childhood situation was very complex . Her alcoholic parent was grossly neglectful (no food. Little schooling). But also deliberately and repeatedly left in the care of a pedophile, used as bait in the hope of getting him into trouble. The poor child would then be collected, interrogated and punished for not disclosing the abuse that actually was taking place. The parent had everyone fooled, and the child had nowhere to turn. It’s a miracle they survived. Ive been feeling so bad for not reassuring the alcoholic last week, but their behaviour towards their child was absolutely monstrous. Today I am trying really hard to remember that the parent was also the victim of child abuse and trauma, but I just cannot fathom how they could have done this.
Had a lot of tears but also some good food and a lovely trip to the cinema so my adoptee went back to Uni calm and feeling loved, but I just want to howl at the moon , I’m so shocked. They were placed in care because of these issues, so I knew of them, but I’d always thought the parent had been muddled or delusional about the risks, not calculating. Child’s always said they couldn’t remember, so it was the first time they shared the details. Sorry to splurge, and I know csa can be very triggering. I just need to write to help get my thoughts in order.

That's horrendous. You were absolutely right not to respond to their parent last week, who has lost all rights to a relationship with them and to any sympathy from you. I am so glaf they have you. Perhaps the uni could arrange counselling too now that they are opening up about abuse?

@Zebracat so very well done for being there for your adopted DC. I would encourage the idea of counselling for them, but be aware that they may not be ready. It took my DC a long time to accept that they couldn't/didn't have to process all the horrors alone.

God knows how they could behave their that 😢

a parent is meant to look after love and protect their child

she is lucky that you were there for her

Thank you. 🙏

So stbExH has found a flat he likes. Its a bit out of my budget but ive stretched as much as I can & made a bit of a cheeky offer. I'm waiting to hear back.
I never thought I'd even think, never mind say this, but im praying they entertain my offer because the thought of him not being here makes me feel so happy & peaceful.
It's a shame for him that I hit my rock bottom before he hit his, but I'm not sad about life without him now, I'm excited for it to start!

Fingers crossed for you @Ebananascroogey.

Why do you have to buy the flat for him

@Penguinsandspaniels it's part of the divorce settlement.
I guess I dont have to buy it, but I've got to sell a house to be able to give him the full amount that he wants & thats taking time. This way he can sign the consent order & move in before the final settlement. It just means I get my life back sooner.
I think my offer will be too low in the cold light of day, but let's see.

Fingers crossed for you!

I also hit my rock bottom way before Ex hit his - over a year and still waiting for him to hit it. I’ve said it many times but it’s likely to be death rather than a rock bottom for Ex.

Same as guess who will be paying a share of the funeral as he won’t have life insurance

more bloody money he bleeds from me

So, got a phone call from the Social Worker at the care centre. The 'weekly Medicare meeting' was held and it appears that he will be there another week then they'll 'reevaluate' his condition as far as a discharge goes. In other words, whether insurance will continue to pay or not. If it's decided that the level of care he needs (basically dressing changes) can be done in a home setting, then out he goes and a 'wound team' will visit him at the house to change his dressing. The condition of the house re the possibility of re-infection and the chance of him starting to drink again and messing up the dressing (getting it wet, taking it off, etc) are apparently irrelevant.

I was sent a picture and the measurements were given to me, I won't go into the gory details. But it is still a large open wound. At this point I think I'm just numb. There's nothing I can do short of my moving back into that house or moving him into my 1 bed flat. Neither of those are going to happen. TBH no one has suggested it.

My one very very very very faint hope is that he gets home and is sober long enough to get a team in to clean the house . But he's never consented to it before. He either insists the house is 'just the same as when you were living here' or he demands that I pay half of it. I'm not paying for that, it's probably going to cost into the 1000s to clean the 4 rooms he 'inhabits' and has turned into a biohazard. The upstairs is fine as it is and he never goes upstairs. There are three rooms downstairs that are dusty and messy, but not filthy. They can stay as they are too.

Is the house in that bad condition ? Are we talking like the hoarder dirty programmes ? Costing thousands sounds terrible

does he have the money to pay for a total clean and not you def shouldn’t pay for it as not your mess

did you find out how he did such a huge wound @AcrossthePond55