Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

As most of them. When drink. Abusive. When sober. Nice

Isn't that the truth.

And I think it sucks that (at least here) unless the messages turn threatening there really isn't much the police will do. I think it's especially true when it comes to alcoholics since they know it's related to them being drunk. Nowadays the police just seem to say "Well, he's drunk, just block him until he sobers up" and not much else happens.

I know you have DD's safety paramount. But maybe it would be a good idea to just skip Sunday this week. Even if there is a 3rd party you trust to take her, if he's in a bad emotional place (even if sober), will they pick up on the 'danger signals' that he's getting ready to start spewing poison to her about you?

Sending you so much love @Userccjlnhibibljn8. it’s such a very complex bereavement. I feel fury and hatred at my Ex for the destruction he has wrought on his lovely DC life, and then at times so sad. He is still alive and I can only imagine those emotions will be magnified when it does eventually him.

I hope it gets an easier milestone as the years pass. Love and sympathy to your DC xx

Urgh I absolutely hated the abusive phases @Penguinsandspaniels. Honestly, your Ex is so so so lucky that you have been prepared to facilitate his contact with DD to date. It shouldn’t be a vehicle through which you have to put up with verbal abuse though. Could you block him on all media and insist on a parenting app (Appclose or Our Family Wizard) to make any arrangements? Or even an intermediary? Ex’s first wife will only communicate with him via a family member and he is blocked on everything. Is your DD even bothered about seeing him?

I have blocked him on all now

I have contacted https://naccc.org.uk/centres

i have tried to hard to make a relationship for him and her

he doesn’t reliese how lucky he is that I have done this

she is and isn’t bothered

she does love him. I get that. And I’ve said to her it’s fine that she loves and sees him. Just I don’t want to anymore

He is her dad but sometimes I feel she sees him as she feels she should and doesn’t want to make him sad

she’s such a sweet kind hearted girl

they do nothing together - he’s more of a by stander if we go to the park and back at his he does bugger all with her

So, mine left two weeks ago with nothing, and I said no you can’t come back until you’re totally sober and then you can stay in my guest room until your apartment is finished. Since then he’s been going from one hotel to the next, drinking litres of neat vodka, with one change of clothes and none of his medication. He asked if he could come back, I said not until he’s off it for three days. He said ok, then failed to stop. Days went by where I didn’t hear anything and had no idea where he was. I phoned around and discovered he had travelled a long way to his home island, accosted an old friend who he fell out with ages ago, and flown back. Then he was spotted returning yet again to his home island where I am now as well because I have to be here for professional reasons. He’s not telling me where he is, but said he has no clothes or meds. I said I have them with me and can drop them off. He sent a suicidal message saying he is quitting this world and life, and then I’ve heard nothing for 14 hours, don’t know where he is, and I’m extremely worried. I have repeatedly said please sober up and we can talk. But he’s obviously having a severe breakdown- he was totally sober for months before this- and I’m at the point of calling police to try to check he’s ok. I’m maintaining my boundaries- yes you can use my spare room but no alcohol in the house and no drinking. He now says he’s homeless and has spent £8k in 2 weeks! Not my problem- I’m really trying to get him to feel the consequences this time but it seems there’s no end to it and I feel extremely ill with worry. Wish I could switch off caring!!

That’s a really good plan now @Penguinsandspaniels. It’s enough now. If he wants to see her then it is via a contact centre. You’ve given him a million chances out of your desire to maintain a relationship between him and DD and he has blown every single one.

guilt and obligation for one so young is hard. It’s shit that he has put her in this position. He’s
supposed to be the bloody adult!!

@Penguinsandspaniels if the messages are threatening, you could ask your solicitor to send him a cease and desist letter.

Ex used to use suicide threats and vanishing acts as a method to coerce and control me @Fibblet. He used to text how he was going to kill himself and then keep his phone off for a day to make me really panic and be too scared to set boundaries again. The worry and fear was excruciating but honestly (and I know how harsh it sounds), it got less every time he did it. At first I used to phone and drive around and try and find him, and by the end I would be a bit ‘suicide threat bingo’ “ok, go to A&E if you aren’t safe” and then get on with my life until he popped back up again.

I completely understand the ill with worry, I guess I am trying to explain that this is a common thread in the addict play book. Not to say that some don’t go through with it, but I always thought that ex was more likely to die from an attempt gone wrong.

a view from the other side - I am so so glad to be free of Ex and his suicide threat incidents. My life is calm and happy.

@Fibblet you can't switch off caring (though you may well in time) but you can't save him. Even if he stops drinking for a while he isn't anywhere near recovery and his current behaviour -emotional blackmail, going awol, poor-me -is standard alcoholic's. Keep those boundaries firm.

Sorry, another thing I thought of @Fibblet, is that with my Ex, extreme behaviour was always a feature of the early days/ weeks post a relapse.

I know it’s hard to do and many people told me this and I ignored until I was able to - but stop chasing him. Don’t offer him a room in your apartment until his is ready. Don’t go rushing around in response to his suicide threat trying to phone him and speak to him etc. You cannot help him. Phone the police, report your concerns, and then remind yourself over and over again that you can’t fix him or control his addiction or his response to relapse.

I really hate to be the voice of defeat, but feeling the consequences doesn’t necessarily lead to any change. My Ex has lost EVERYTHING, but progressively. There were so many moments that he could have declared to be rock bottom and start the serious hard work of turning his life around. He hasn’t, and he never will I don’t think. He is just collecting more and more reasons for ‘poor him, poor him, pour him another one’. Prison, homelessness or death, that’s all that awaits him next short of some miracle (I always wondered whether if he got really sick and was in hospital for months whether that might be long enough sober that he could potentially keep it up on discharge but that’s all I can think of and I dunno what kind of illness is recoverable from hit requires hospitalisation of three months minimum)

Maybe we sound hard hearted @Fibblet, but so many of us have been through the same awful experiences. We have felt the way you feel now, but whatever we tried made no difference to the addict and made our own lives hell.

I really do know what he’s doing and I’m not chasing him, but we’ve made such progress in the past and this is a horrific setback.
He tried to kill himself twice before so I think there’s a chance he may try again. His choice though. I told him, this was all your choice….

@Fibblet. Sadly, there is no 'we' in this situation. He seemed to be making progress and he has relapsed, as many alcoholics do. Nothing you did or didn't do changed that. He may try to kill himself again, and he might succeed. As you say, it is his choice. Let the police know your concerns and try very hard to get on with other stuff. It is so hard and so painful, but you need to keep your boundaries and even tighten them up a bit. 3 days is nothing at all.

It’s horrible @Fibbletwhen they make these threats but it’s threats

to be blunt unless they hang theirselves - there is come back

so slashing wrists or taking tablets often is a cry for help or they are playing games /emotional blackmail

ex has countless times says he’s done. He’s had enough. People used to rush to him. Now he says it and people ignore him. Me included

I won’t play mind games and even more so due to dh 1 killing his self

Contact centres cost £100 a session 🙀🙀

I can’t afford that and sure ex won’t pay that so not sure what the options are now

I would consider sharing once a month with him for costs but both need to be in agreement and sure he won’t be

so not sure what the next action is tbh

@Penguinsandspaniels I stopped all contact . Ds didn’t want to see his dad and still isn’t that bothered . I told his dad he’d need to take me to court which is very unwilling to do .

That’s an Ex problem @Penguinsandspaniels. He created this situation, he can either pay for it or come up with another contact supervisor who is acceptable to you and sort contact through this intermediary. I honestly think you’ve been an absolute saint to try and maintain their relationship at cost to yourself and actually it’s his responsibility now.

I think the emotional responsibility your DD is feeling to see him even though contact time isn’t particularly enjoyable for her is something to test out as well - if you aren’t arranging contact, will she even ask to see him.

Being the child of an addict is so bloody complicated, you shouldn’t feel responsibility for your parents feelings so young and yet you do (as the child of an addict who somehow ended up with one as a partner - god sake!!). It’s damaging

@Penguinsandspaniels you have one option: stop contact until he has stopped the abuse, and for a significant period of time.

@Fibblet I second tightening your boundaries. He needs to have months sober before you let him in your spare room. Notifying the police of his vulnerable state is fair enough.

My advice @Penguinsandspaniels leave it to him now. Tell him (maybe via his eldest DC?) that his vile abuse is the end of direct contact between you. If he wants to see DC you will leave it in his hands to book a contact centre or find a suitable place and contact supervision and propose a time and date via this person. He won’t. That’s a him problem.

That’s money I just don’t have

Yes I said to eldest dd that I had enough. She saw the text as was with me and she understands why

but if dd wants to see her dad - not sure she does - then what ?
Maybe I will suggest a video FaceTime call so can see / speak - but that’s gonna be 5/10 mins if that

he really has shot him self in the foot doing this - I have bent over backwards to help him - all for dd sake

maybe it will have to be once a month thing with his eldest or soemeone - I’m not sure what at the moment

it would be so different if she wanted to stay with him alone and I could Breathalyse both drop off and collect like i used to do on a Sunday

but I get why she doesn’t want to and wouldn’t force her - if summer /nicer weather I could drop off at the park and watch from a distance but that’s not gonna work

signs. This is hard 😢

An hour in a coffee shop could work. But need someone to stay with her

I think it goes back to whether she really wants to see him or feels like she should to make him happy @Penguinsandspaniels? i wonder if you could ask school therapist/ nurture person or teacher to gently probe some of that?

ultimately, from the little he actually does with her, sounds to me like FaceTime would be enough - she continues to ‘know’ him (if she wants to) but without the harm of weird Dad.

I could be projecting of course - I absolutely hated being around my Dad on one of his trying to remain sober points, as well as his drunken ones, he was just so obviously a bit ‘odd’. Probably though I may have been older than your DD. As you know my Ex’s DC have said they don’t want to see him until he is well.