Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

You could try it anyway. Wait for her to ask and then when she does, suggest FaceTime call and see how it goes. Ex’s DC got used to not seeing him fast and stopped asking/ weren’t bothered. Only in the early weeks because it was part of their routine apparently.

massive hugs. It makes me so angry the way we have to make accommodations for our addicts despite all the harm they caused us. You shouldn’t have to be stressed trying to find a way for your DD to maintain contact when it is his bloody fault!!

Yep if he kept his mouth shut and didn’t text me abusive shit he could have still seen her with me

Total prat.

Ex is still always abusing family by email/text. Then when mood switches expects them
to forget it. Never know why the moods cycle as he is physically alcohol dependent so always on alochol. Maybe when he is using coke too. Who knows. Who cares. Everyone bored of it and just blocks him now

@Penguinsandspaniels

Sorry you reached a dead end with a contact centre. I'm sure you have, but have you checked with any churches or charities to see if there are any low cost centres or charity funds you could access?

I'd suggest a third party relative or friend, but the problem with that (here, at least) is that if you are not there and don't have a court order, he can refuse to return her and neither the 3rd party nor the police will be able to do anything about it. I don't remember if you have a court order or not.

Other than that, I agree with others. You'll just have to stop contact. You can lay it all out for him re only at a contact centre (and the cost) but if he doesn't want to cooperate with that, that's on him. He won't see DD and it will be his own doing.

As far as DD, I suppose I'd just go with 'Daddy is sick so we can't visit him' and try to get away with that as long as I could.

Hi. I haven’t posted in ages, but still lurk. I raised a relatives child after the child was removed because of the alcoholism and other stuff. Child is at Uni now. No contact with the parent for years. But today they’ve had lots of really incoherent messages. Hard to make sense, but it may be that someone’s trying to scam the parent by saying their adult child is in trouble. Neither child nor I wants to respond, the people on this thread will understand the abuse and nonsense we endured before cutting contact and we can’t invite that chaos back into our lives, but is there something else we could do?
We believe the parent moved recently and we do not have their address, so a welfare check would be extremely difficult to request. I’ve been encouraging the child to do centrering exercises and told them to just come home if they feel upset. But I feel sick to my stomach and the exercises aren’t working for me. Half the worry is that they are drunk enough to fall for the scam , and the other part is that this is the beginning of a ghastly downward spiral that will fuck up my beloved adoptee in their final year at uni. Sorry for the clunky they/thems, don’t want to out them.

That’s tricky @Zebracat. Is anyone from the family still in contact with this person ?

so no contact for years then have drunken ramblings ? Asking for money ? Or what ?

I would personally ignore thonknow easier said then done

No one I’m in touch with is in touch with them. It caused a massive schism.. They weren’t asking us for money. I think they are being scammed, someone is pretending to be their grown up child, and in desperate straits. So they were asking if child is ok, but we just don’t want to respond and open the floodgates. I really feel for them though, feel I am being mean.

But thank you @Penguinsandspaniels ,and I do have some thoughts about your dilemma. Our child was older, but it wasn’t until I said I can’t do this any more, that they were able to respond how the hell was I expecting it of them then. And showed me the really horrible messages that were coming in. Your Dd may feel she has no choice, but to love her Daddy and want to see him. Ours was so used to using euphemisms for the drunkenness that they were really shocked the first time I said that their parent hadn’t turned up because they were pissed. Replied oh no they are bedridden, it’s their gallbladder. So I would tell her that Daddy gets drunk and then says nasty things to you, and that you won’t tolerate it any longer. It may mean that not really wanting to go doesn’t have to be a guilty secret then.

Well if someone is pretending to be their child on trouble assume they have been contacting them on the phone etc with a different number

could the police trace the parents mobile phone via their provider and find them that way and tel then their child is ok

@Nogoodusername yes I’m going to speak to the pastoral care officer when back at school in Nov

I think she does love him in a kinda way. He’s her dad and she adored him as a toddler /5yr
but I also think she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings and not see him but she is getting older and wiser

she’s heard him call me a fucking cunt which she knows is very bad - she knows when he texts and it’s a bad text as she asks if I’m ok and I said yes and she says your face drops at the text so I know it’s a rude one 😢

how old are you step children ?

@AcrossthePond55 that’s a good idea. There is a church local linked to dd school and maybe school could suggest something - not sure the vicar would want to do this /have the spare time esp on a Sunday but def worth an ask

he wouldn’t dare not return her and tbh dd would walk out

I don’t have a court order but I have 24/7 full custody

tbh £100 a week isn’t doable for me or him. I did reply to the centre saying I was shocked at the cost and was there any help and they said no - I replied how on earth do parents afford this and she didn’t reply

dd knows he drinks. Can smell it and when he cancels the week after uc saying a bug she would mime drinking and I said yes - I wasn’t going to lie to her

she knows he says horrible stuff to me and I don’t want to see him

but ive also said I know hes her dad and it’s fine for her to see him if she wants to and I understand she loves him but as her mummy I need to know that she is safe etc

I can’t edit and tag your name @Zebracat

This is a common scam here (US). Usually it's a desperate call "I'm in Jail (or similar), send money". They even 'spoof' the child's voice. This is why we've been told that if we say 'hello' once and no one responds to hang up, not keep saying 'hello hello?'. Because they're cloning voices that way, then using data mining to find out information about the phone number owner. So it may be this scam because we've been told that if that happens the 1st thing to do is call the person supposedly'in trouble' to find out if they're OK.

I don't think you or the child should respond. Maybe your local police would be willing to call this woman if you tell them she appears to be the victim of a phone scam. Here it's called the 'emergency impersonation' or 'grandparent scam' as the scammers try to target the elderly. Maybe Adult Social Services might be willing to help?

Ex’s DC are 12 and 10 now @Penguinsandspaniels, haven’t seen him since they were 10 and 8. It was the youngest who told school counsellor that he made her scared when he was ‘weird’ (during supervised contact). Eldest was distraught when asked. She didn’t want to betray Daddy by saying what he was like and whether she wanted to see him or not anymore. Heart breaking. He is supposed to be the parent and here is a 10 year old torn between hurting him and speaking her feelings

@Penguinsandspaniels

I don’t have a court order but I have 24/7 full custody

Being in the US I don't know the specifics of UK law. But here 'full custody' means you have a court order. A child can live with you 24/7 but that doesn't mean anything 'under the law' as far as the other parent not having equal rights. A friend went through this (her ex not returning the child) and without court ordered custody there was nothing she could do. He was just being a shit and wanted to upset her and brought the child back after a week or so. She ended up filing for full custody and got it. But you say your ex would never do that to DD, thank God!

dd knows he drinks. Can smell it and when he cancels the week after uc saying a bug she would mime drinking and I said yes - I wasn’t going to lie to her
she knows he says horrible stuff to me and I don’t want to see him

She's a wise little soul, isn't she? We often don't give our children enough credit for understanding tough situations. It's too bad they need that wisdom, but thank God they have it. In which case, chances are you could tell her the truth, that if she wants to see him you will have to find 'the right place and the right person' to be with her. And that it may take time to do that.

Someone suggested FaceTime and that might work if DD wants to see/speak to him. You can just stay out of sight of the camera with a finger on the 'disconnect' button in case he says anything nasty.

Yes she is a wise soul and that saddens me as she should t have to be

shes 9. Plays with Barbie’s and sleeps with a cuddly tho also does make up like a teen 😂

I have said that to her over the centre and once they said yes they could help I told her. Then today got told the price of each session. Crazy money

I have said I need to find a person and she said big sis. I said yes maybe but obv she can’t do every week as has their own stuff on

plus sure older ss doesn’t want to see her dad that much either lol

if she asks Sunday I will suggest FaceTime but I honest think she won’t want to

which means no doubt ex will think I’m stopping her etc and I’m the bad one again

Sorry. A lot of posts from me

I think she does love him in a kinda way. He’s her dad and she adored him as a toddler /5yr but I also think she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings and not see him but she is getting older and wiser
she’s heard him call me a fucking cunt which she knows is very bad - she knows when he texts and it’s a bad text as she asks if I’m ok and I said yes and she says your face drops at the text so I know it’s a rude one 😢

@Penguinsandspaniels that brings back some very sad memories for me. I know my DCs loved their mother. But I also know that they felt very hurt and conflicted when she called me a "first-class cunt" when I had to refuse her seeing them because she was so drunk she couldn't stand up straight. They knew that sometimes I'd have a bad phone call with her and it'd take me a few moments to go from grim and troubled to my more usual smiley and warm.

It sucked. It really, really sucked. My DCs are now in their 20s and while they have a better understanding of the realities of alcoholism I still worry a lot about the impact it had on them as children. All I can say is that I tried my utmost to be a dependable, solid and reliable rock to which they could anchor themselves. No matter what chaos and drama their mother could cook up (and, believe me, that was plentiful) I worked as hard as I could to be someone they could rely on for stability, love and support. I don't know if that was enough but I did my best. That's all I could do.

@HowardTJMoon - sorry I’ve made you remember things

you sound the male version of me - trying to be the best parent you can and protect the dc

drunks seem to be more male - so must be really hard for kids to have a drunk mum imo as mums are meant to be nurturing as carried them for 9mths

that’s not to say there aren’t amazing dads and you sound like one. You did your best to care and look after your dc - same as I am trying. It’s bloody hard isn’t it 😢

trying to do your best and not mould them into your frame of mind if I hate ex so you must as well. I know it’s different as he’s her dad and why I tried to hard to keep their relationship going even more so as he will prob be dead in less then 5 yrs

and will have that emotional time to deal with dd

It’s the hurt and as you said I’m sure she feels conflicted as he’s her dad. He’s meant to love and protect her

and I try so hard to not give her bad vibes about him

Never say that! There are times for all of us (or there will be!) where we really need to vent and say what we need to say. And sometimes that takes multiple posts as we work things out for ourselves.

We are here in this 'club' for each other, in good times and bad times.

Thank you.

it was all bubbling along ok ish till he had to be a knob

I think that's the story of all our lives in one way or another, sigh.

I’m really sorry that twat Ex has put you in this position @Penguinsandspaniels. maybe see if eldest step DD can accommodate once a fortnight (avoiding after UC day anyway) and then leave the ball in your DD court to express that she wants to see him?

I feel so angry about all these DC having to accommodate addiction in their lives. But luckily they all have a hero sober parent to be their rock and their consistent xx

She shouldn’t have to. And that means every other week for her and that’s not fair for her. She has her own life and kids She won’t want to go to his but means for him to go to her she would have to drive to practically me as he lives other end of town from me. She’s 30mins from us and do 4 journeys

unless meet in a coffee shop

I will see if she wants to FaceTime tomorrow. If she doesn’t that’s fine

He obv doesn’t think of texting her to say hello. She had a phone for this last time he contacted her was beg of sept so 7w ago

yes she saw him most weeks during that time but he cba to text hello. How are you ? Etc