Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

He's definitely sober. He looks completely different. His skin has changed colour, he's lost weight, his eyes are brighter. Massive improvements in cognition, bladder issues have disappeared (who'd have thunk it?). Improvement in symptoms of his disability - small but definitely there.

On the other hand, his relationship with DS2 is pretty fucked. They are both trying but it's very delicately balanced. DS2 is autistic and extremely black and white. In his view, his dad has done things wrong and should properly apologise. I completely agree.

Thank you for reading and responding btw. You'll never know how much it means.

As @pointythings said, sometimes we just don't get a happy ending. There is a 'point of no return' for all of us in one way or another. I've reached mine and there is nothing DH could do that would make me reconcile with him. I think a lot of it is that they simply do not (or will not) comprehend the amount of damage they have done.

They may 'get' that their drinking 'caused problems' but they really can't see the full extent of the damage. They think "I'm sorry, I won't drink again" fixes everything. But it doesn't. Because it's like they set a house on fire but can't see any further than the still standing stone walls and think "Oh there are just a few scorch marks, that's easily fixed". They don't see that the inside of the house has been completely destroyed and that the outside is all that remains standing, just a worthless, empty shell. That 'house' they burnt to the ground was our former lives, so we have had to build brand new ones. And we have had to build those lives without room for them in them.

I'm struggling with that in a way right now with DH. He's still in the care centre, and when I go see him he introduces me as his 'wonderful wife' and 'how lucky he is to have me'. And it's not his memory failing him, he knows that I'm living in own flat because he always asks me if I'm checking on the house. It's like the reality of his situation just doesn't exist for him. I just want to scream "You do not 'have me', we've been separated over a year, I have a legal decree of separation!!". But I don't because what's the point.

I have a feeling that his days in the centre may be drawing to a close. He still has a bandage on the wound but I can see the bandage is getting smaller and smaller. I assume there must still be an open wound but once it's closed he'll be discharged to the house. Only God knows what will happen then and He hasn't seen fit to enlighten me. Sigh.

I must seem so weak to other people.

Not at all

you havnt reached your breaking point

till you do you will be with dh

I gave dh chance after chance and was never sober and always lying

but if he was sober would I try again. - 3yrs ago yes. Now no

but you don’t sound in love anymore. You will always be on tenterhooks waiting for dh to fall off the wagon and that’s no life

you need him to fail so you feel you have tried everything and have the right to say no more

thing is @Thefellowship you have that right now - you just don’t see it 🌸

I think that if he weren't disabled and unable to work it would be much easier. I can't just condemn him to - living on the streets? A tiny room in a shared house with a shared bathroom? It feels inhuman. At the end of the day he is still a person.

If he can’t work then he will go onto benifits eventually

i can’t rem if you have a house to share /sell. If you do then he will get % and can part rent /buy a small flat

if rent and no savings then will go onto uc

ex gets £1600 a month iff uc and lwcra including his flat paid for - it’s a nice one bedroom flat

guessing your dh gets pip so that will help

you can’t stay with someone you don’t love. Even more so if you have dc and sounds like your ds wouldn’t went to stay with dad. How old are your dc ?

We own a house together with no mortgage. He gets pip and limited capacity to work (or whatever it's called) and mobility component. DC are 23, 20 and 17.

House worth about £350k

That's a fair amount. You would likely get half.

And yet, what life is he condemning you to? A life based on his drinking and his lies, a life where you cannot relax and just 'be', a life where you have to 'manage' everything around his drinking. Personally I think that's a worse life than living in a room in a shared house. Many people manage that and they are not 'not people'.

But listen, you simply aren't 'there' yet. Just as an alcoholic/addict has to reach rock bottom to change, so do we. But our 'rock bottom' is accompanied by a real need to become who we were before, before it all went to shit due to their addiction. And theirs is accompanied by a need to become someone new, someone who doesn't use their chosen substance ever again.

You'll get there. I think it really can't be rushed. But at some point in the future you will feel that same tap on the shoulder we all felt. The one that says "OK, you've had enough. Time to go". Just keep an open mind and heart to listening for it. Because it's not always a huge catastrophe that brings it on, it can be a quiet small straw that breaks your camel's back.

I'm searching for any straw. I feel like I made the decision that if he kept drinking I would kick him out, fully expecting that to happen and then he just...stopped. And I'm left thinking wait, what?

This is a really horrible stage to be in. Hope can be a form of torture. I remember it well from when my husband was in rehab. He started eating properly again, he spent time with us and took an interest in the DC, he was slowly returning to the man I married. I was seriously considering moving back into the bedroom with him.

Then two weeks after he was out of rehab, I spent a night away, came back and he was drunk. That hurt so, so much. But looking back, it wasn't as tense and stressful as the period when he wasn't drinking and I still had hope.

Whatever you do, don't do it in haste. Take time to wait, sit with your feelings, know that nothing you do now ties you down to 'having' to do something in the future. When the moment comes, if it does, you'll know.

@Thefellowship It's such an uncomfortable realisation, and it comes to most of us, that actually there's no going back to 'normal.' That ship sailed the umpteenth time we were let down. The what next, though is such a huge question and one you need to think about hard. You're not being weak, just taking time to think things through.

You absolutely don’t.

I say on here all the time - I had it easy compared to most of you on here: we had no DC in common, no joint property, it was easy to separate our lives and yet I hung on trying to help and trying to fix and believing that I couldn’t/ shouldn’t abandon him for years.

it’s a lot to divide a marriage and a life together, that I know from doing it the first time. When you are ready, you will.

@Thefellowship

I agree with @Nogoodusername , you'll know when the time is right and you are ready.

I, too, had it easier that a lot on this thread. Children grown and my own secure pension, enough to leave and rent my own place. We still have a jointly owned house, but I didn't and still don't want it. So it was easy (physically/financially) to leave.

But I hung on too. So sure his out of control drinking was an aberration caused by DH's injury. Something that would disappear as he healed if I just gave him enough support and dismissed his verbal abuse as a temporary thing. But instead it got worse and worse. I stayed partly out of fear of 'being on my own' and partly because of not wanting to 'fail'. But my real failure was staying when I knew there was no hope.

Please don't consider yourself weak. You're actually very strong. Hey, you've put up with a lot and have still found the resolve to hold him up haven't you? That takes strength. At some point you'll find the strength to let go. Not because others tell you to, but because it is the right time for you to let go.

It is the 2nd anniversary of when my husband took his own life. I suppose the ultimate rock bottom. In hindsight that has made my journey so much easier, compared to those of you who still have your alcoholics in your life. I sat on a beach today and threw pebbles into the sea and felt alternatively sad and angry, sad at the destruction he left behind him, and angry that he cared more about alcohol than us, his children and family. Again I remember that they become 2 people and the one I love became overtaken by the horrible person he was when he drank.

l have come out the other side, but it is not a trip I would recommend for anyone.

(sorry for the self focused post, but there are not many places I can tell the whole truth now…..) xx

The difficult anniversaries do lose their sharp edges with time. Sitting with your feelings is absolutely the best thing to do. You're in my thoughts.

I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling as first dh did the same (outing if people read this) but tho an alcoholic (yes so lucky I managed 2 x dh of addiction) dh1 was kind and loving and never abusive but suffered from depression and one day too much for him 😢

its 15yrs for me and as so different from dh2 I have never been angry or cross at dh1

again outing but if you want to message me I run a group for suicide spouses on fb and happy to add you

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

My thoughts are with you. Just remember that anything, everything, you feel today is valid.

Take care of yourself, today and every day.

Thinking of you @Userccjlnhibibljn8. Completely understand re the journey being easier once they're gone. I read other people's stories and feel so relieved I am not still living with an alcoholic. But at the same time, I will be picking up the pieces, one way or another, for life.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8
i am sorry. I know those words mean little. I am thankful you felt safe enough to share.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I have no wise words to share but just wanted to say that im thinking of you & hope you're doing as ok as you can be.

Things have got worse. Being abusive and I’ve said no more. I have texts that are disgusting from him

dd won’t seeing him Sunday unless I can find someone to take /be with her

@Penguinsandspaniels do whatever you need to protect yourself and your DD. I doubt she is going to be safe with him if his abuse is ramping up. Keep all messages and involve the police if it's needed.