Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

@TheThingOnTheIce

I think rock bottom does nothing but make it worse for most addicts

I agree. But I think the thing is that what would be 'rock bottom' to you or me is just a blip on their radar. 'Rock bottom' to them would be to be banned from every bar, pub, or establishment and shop that sold liquor within a 500 mile radius. Anything else simply doesn't matter.

I am in the 'death will be his rock bottom' camp at this point. I was on a long cruise on 'that river in Egypt' and it took me awhile to get my little boat into port.

I also sailed on that river @AcrossthePond55. I tried to remove all stresses from his life, and railed against and blamed the things I couldn’t fix. If I could just make his life easy enough, there wouldn’t be a need to drink. Took me so much longer than is sane to realise the truth of the 3Cs!

Oh, I did that too. And it included walking on eggshells around him and stifling the kids, until I realised that I didn't have the right and that if there was an almighty row, so be it. He was the problem, not them.

I still feel guilty about hushing the kids and warning them not to upset their dad. What the hell was I thinking? I'm sure I went slightly mad during that time.

So much walking on eggshells and also so much covering up. I can’t quite believe some of the things I did or lies I told to try and hide the reality of his drinking from others (including work clients). It’s like a batshit version of me inhabited my body. I’m still ashamed of myself really, but over time I have more peace that it’s a common story on this group and on my smart group. Addiction is a madness that consumes loved ones until we reach the point where we realise that we cannot save the addict, only ourselves and affected DC.

I wrote the above at the same time as you @CharlotteByrde! Snap!! (The weird, madness version of ‘I loved an alcoholic/ drug addict’ snap)

We all walked on egg shells

So my ex has sent his ‘proof’ of this medication he can no longer drink on . It’s literally a photo of the bottom of a prescription with no other details on it. ‘Do not drink alcohol, may make you sleepy ‘ 😂 I have to laugh or I’d cry

Wow 🤣 What a deterrent for an alcoholic - may feel a bit sleepy along with the dopamine hit

😂😂😂😂

well that’s ok then

I actually think there’s something going on that he’s trying to hide and I wonder if he’s been in trouble with the police again since his driving ban. Sounds like this ‘therapy’ etc might be court ordered .

@TheThingOnTheIce

I'm sorry, but that made me proper guffaw. Actually startled my poor dog who is still sleeping soundly next to me (it's 6 am here). My DH took so many Rx'd meds with 'do not drink' warnings. In fact mixing alcohol with opioids was one of his favourite 'highs'. And TBH I can't think of very many Rx meds that don't have that warning on them!

You could be right about the 'therapy'. DH referred to the court ordered alcohol classes that were required as part of his DUI conviction as 'rehab'. Not that he's actually complied with his probation conditions.

That sounds very likely @TheThingOnTheIce. I got dragged back out of no contact when Ex was ignoring a court case and his friends were concerned everything was going to get worse. In the course of that (which I never should have done - he didn’t listen to me of course and it just drew me back in his sights for verbal abuse) it sounded like he'd had a few arrests and I’ve heard on the grapevine that there is yet another charge and court case coming up. Don’t know on what charges have learnt my lesson and not asked the ‘flying monkeys’ any questions. We don’t have DC together so I am gratefully free to ignore his legal downfall now. Court can defo order (depending on charge) things like therapy; anger management courses; drug and alcohol abstinence requirement and testing; medical records for proof of diagnosed conditions and treatment; community service - you name it.

How is everyone doing this weekend? I spoke to one of Ex’s siblings yesterday (who is NC with him), curiosity got the better of me about what on earth all his legal cases are about. Seems his aggression is escalating along with his mental capacity decreasing - currently
on bail in at least two cases and breaching all manner of bail conditions so only a matter of time before he ends up in prison. Can’t imagine that will be his rock bottom, just a whole new audience of fellow addicts to continue his descent with, not like prisons are a clean environment is it.

Not much new from me. My ex sent me an extended photo of his prescription that ‘proves he’s not drinking’ He’d blanked out the information including what the drug is but seems to think having the date on it and the amount of tablets should be enough proof for me
I've ignored him

Ok ish here tho now he has a mobility scooter he can go and buy his vodka anytime he wants rather than delivery or neighbor buying it - as can’t walk to shops

he has been seen down the river drinking

seems you can’t be done for drunk driving of a mobility scooter but can of a bike

Ha! I'm convinced we do have the same ex!

Mental stated deteriorating, 2 court cases pending; 1 for DUI probation violations, 1 for harassing 911 and resisting arrest.

He's been transferred to a care centre from the hospital. He now has a wound-vac that has to be changed every 3 days and has to have a 6 week course of antibiotics. I haven't spoken to him since the transfer, I think his phone must be out of battery.

Since he'll be gone 6 weeks, I've already had a real estate agent in and was pleasantly surprised by the estimate she's given me. Of course I know an estimate isn't a 'selling price', but it does give me hope that I'll walk away with something! I'm going to try to get a 2nd agent in for another estimate.

I've also spoken to DH's Public Defenders for both cases. I've explained his mental state and that he's not going to be 'much of a help' in his own defense. I also made it clear that although I'm willing to provide information and statements I will not be what I believe the UK calls an 'appropriate adult' for him, nor will I become his conservator. So I have no idea what's going to happen there.

Next step is calling APS to see if they still have a case open on him.

In other words...life as usual lol

I actually was curious enough to look up statutes here. They can't be done for DUI, but they can be done for reckless endangerment or public intoxication.

Biking whilst drunk can get you a DUI, same for drunk horse riding. Both have to be on public roads though.

Yes a class 2 which he has shouldn’t be on the road so can’t be done for drink driving but maybe could be fined

but only if he gets seen by a copper at that time

great you got an Estate agent in for a quote

Down at the river drinking reminded me of the era in which my brother would walk through the park with friends on the way home from school and pass our Dad on alcoholics bench. Horrible.

seems a bit wild there are no rules for mobility scooters doesn’t it

Life as usual indeed huh @AcrossthePond55. I’m glad you have 6 weeks peace. Would be nice if his mobile stayed flat wouldn’t it!

Defo best to ignore @TheThingOnTheIce. if he wants a conversation about seeing DC again he can do it through a solicitor and he can provide actual safeguards over time. He won’t of course. Addicts like a threat and when you hold your line through it, doing what is needed is too much like hard work.

wishing everyone a good week

@Nogoodusername

Yes, it will be good! And I'm planning to dodge any requests for a phone charger. As it is I have the excuse of not being able to visit as I can't bring the dog and he knows that the dog cannot be left alone.

I'm in a flat and he's an incessant barker due to separation anxiety and I won't subject my neighbours to that. Not to mention that I wouldn't do that to my poor little guy. And that at 14, he's just too old to learn 'new tricks'.

I guess I should be somewhat thankful that DH hasn't made a spectacle of himself by drinking in public. It's rather hard here though as most public places (parks, beaches, fishing access points, etc) don't permit the consumption of alcohol. But then as we all know, only alcoholics sit around in public places drinking. And since you can't be an alcoholic if you only drink beer, DH cannot possibly be an alcoholic!

Ex appeared at my house yesterday early evening. Luckily we were out but he rang and said outside

slurring. He said hello to neighbours who texted me to say he has been drinking

now he has transport , he has better not just pop up as I won’t have that. Esp if drinking as dd doesn’t need to see or hear that

@Penguinsandspaniels

Oh fucketty fuck, no!!

It's a tough one. My first reaction would be to call the police, but with DD there I can see why you wouldn't want to do that. Can you get a restraining order, or would that not stop him?

This is the reason why I refuse to give DH my address. Not that I 'fear him' but that I don't want him showing up (via Uber) drunk or sober and causing me embarrassment with my neighbours with either drunken 'antics' or by refusing to leave unless I 'talk to him'.

Police won’t do anything as not illegal to ride a scooter if been drinking