Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 6

[pointythings]

A new thread so that the conversations can continue overnight. We have sadly been very active lately, so I thought it best to be proactive.

These threads are for everyone who has an alcoholic in their life: partner/husband/wife, sibling, child, parent. This is a safe space where you can vent and say all the things you can't say out loud in real life.

The people on these threads have all been there or are still on their journey. We will share what we have learned, crack dark jokes and offer a shoulder to cry on. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?page=40&reply=153683715

He will have absolutely thrived on that - knowing to say to school, the right buzz words etc. alcoholics are so manipulative.

Job loss for addiction well worth mentioning if needed (and again, generally I find that addicts love to rage about contact removal but screw the process up quickly as they can’t keep up the functionality): if a school couldn’t trust him to be responsible for kids with loads of other staff around, surely they can see that unsupervised and overnight responsibility for a child as young as yours is a huge risk.

i’m really sorry you are going through this xx

I’m not sure I can use the job thing as he ‘says’ they paid him off and wasn’t ‘sacked’ as he went to school having taken a funny turn from taking prescribed medication at a different time to usual and the school ‘thought he was drunk’
could be bollocks and he was straight up sacked. The school had recently gone through another public scandal just before this so I do half believe his story of him being paid off quietly but who knows . It might be why he doesn’t want to go to court as it might come out .

I'm not sure about UK schools, but that's fairly common here in the US, especially in govt entities. 'Inviting' someone to retire or resign 'with an incentive' is much easier, faster, less labour intensive, and cheaper than going through the dismissal process. In the federal govt here addiction is classed as a 'disability'* so the addict has to be offered counseling, support services, and 'reasonable accommodation' before the termination steps can begin. We had a manager who came in drunk 2-4 times a week. It went on for years. He was eventually fired 'for theft' when it was discovered that he had govt furniture (desks, credenzas) and equipment (typewriters, calculators, copy machine) in his home.

PS Different and more stringent rules apply to 'drunk on the job' in law enforcement and emergency and medical services.

*I've been retired from the fed govt for some time so I'm not sure it still is.

@AcrossthePond55 I think that’s exactly what happened . But now he can’t get another similar job as it looks very suspicious on his cv and the head teachers probably have an off record chat , well that and the fact he has a criminal record now due to the drink driving .
amazingly he’s still managed to get a job in a school though

I'm sure you're right, even though it's not supposed to happen I'm sure a discreet 'word in the ear' to a prospective employer usually does. Here a former employer isn't allowed to really 'spill the beans' nor is a prospective employer allowed to ask specifically why the applicant doesn't work there anymore. All that can legally be asked is 'Would you rehire this person?'. But the way someone says the word 'No' can say volumes.

I'm surprised he's working in a school. I suppose his former employer wouldn't say much since he was allowed to resign and they don't want it known they didn't fire him. Or he 'knows something about someone'.

@AcrossthePond55 if the school had done it’s due diligence it would have known the crash he was convicted for happened on the way to work

So he’s just rang and said his doctor has put him on medication that he absolutely can not drink on and that he’ll send me the proof of this
Duno what to say to that

There's no proof he can send. If he takes it, does not drink, gets sober - great. Doesn't mean you don't move forward with your life, because that isn't up to him, nor does it mean he instantly gets what he wants because he'll need to be sober for a l9ng old time to be taken seriously. Or he doesn't take it and carries on drinking, in which case you will know. You carry on as you are and ignore the performative bullshit. Addicts lie. Never forget that.

There’s no way someone as far gone as him can just give it up cold turkey like that . This isn’t medication for his alcoholism by the way this is medication he just can’t drink on . I’ll wait and see what he sends through . Should be interesting

Definitely echo ignoring the performative bullshit. Being prescribed something means zero - he might not take it and even if he does take it he may still drink regardless of the consequences. I know mine did!

My ex carried on drinking while taking:

• Every single anti depressant he’s ever been on
• Two types of anti craving drugs (naltroxene and another one whose name I have forgotten)
• Blood thinners
• meds for seriously high BP

He was once in hospital with suspected stroke and they gave him Librium because he went into withdrawal. Well, he decided it wasn’t enough Librium and got one of his addict mates to bring in vodka. Yes, the man drank in hospital on withdrawal meds.

there are hair strand and blood tests that show levels of alcohol in his system in a month, 3 months and 6 months period. They show abstinent, low/ social intake, high and excessive abuse. If he wants to prove anything, he can!

My Ex’s first wife very sensibly wanted proof of 3 months abstinence before restarting supervised contact (with on the spot testing for supervised contact before and after the contact session), then a further three months proof of abstinence before considering moving from supervised to unsupervised.

She knew he would never get to three months abstinence because he never had. She was right. He hasn’t seen his DC in about two years now

I’m not sure if I’ll be allowed to post this link but it does very much exist!

A peTH blood test can give you a reading for the past month: peTH test

and hair strand analysis can go even further back: hair strand testing

Some do drink on it and makes them sick

Oh. Replied before read this

@Nogoodusername. Snap. Remember ours our twins

Ex drank /drinks on antidepressants - sleeping tablets - diabetic / and also took Valium

plus morphine and then extra pain killers

tbh I’m amazed he hasn’t died from over doing drugs

DH has been on Disulfiram (Antabuse), Naloxone, and Vivitrol (30 day injectable Naloxone). None of them worked.

Antabuse (the one that makes one nauseated) he was on multiple times and didn't work because 1-he didn't take it long enough to build up in his system, 2- he decided he wanted to drink and stopped it, and 3- he decided he'd rather be drunk and sick so drank through the nausea.

For whatever reason Naltrexone and Vivitrol simply didn't work. They're supposed to reduce the craving for alcohol by 'killing the buzz' so one doesn't get the high. Either they didn't work or his desire for alcohol is so 'emotional' that he gets some sort of 'high' simply from the act of drinking it.

Like so many drunks, DH seems to think that there is some 'magic pill' that will 'cure' his drinking. What medications there are are simply an 'aid' to sobriety. What is needed is a deep strong desire to stop drinking. My brother used Antabuse for years as an additional 'incentive' not to drink, but his main drive and 'strength' was his determination to be sober.

"There's no proof he can send." @pointythings has that right. You can't 'prove' a negative. You can only watch, wait, and see. And the final decision is yours.

Interesting

wonder what is costs. I did look but no rough price. Need to call /email

The thing about the hair test is that you'd need them not to cut their hair for the full 6 months to get an accurate reading for that period. That's 15 cm or about 6 inches. Not a big deal for most women, but how many men are going to agree to having 6 inches of hair on their heads (unless that's normal for them).

Per Google (the higher price is for the more accurate 'dual marker' and the 6 mo tests).

"An alcohol hair strand test typically costs between $179 and $600 in the US"
"Hair alcohol strand test prices in the UK typically range from £149 to over £700"

A blood test showing the month is about £150-200 where it is done in person at a centre. Hair strand unsure. They can use body hair instead of head hair for the baldies amongst us! But it’s probably simpler to ask for 3x monthly blood tests before having a conversation about contact. If anything though it’s a delaying tactic that you can use if they are doing the ranting and raving about taking you to court - I am safeguarding my child and I will discuss a roadmap for contact resumption once proof of a period of reliable sobriety is provided.

Ex has been wailing about not seeing his DC for two years instead of doing the hard work, getting into sobriety, and providing the testing that his DX mum required. What an absolute waste. Could have been seeing them for a year and a half now if that had been his ‘rock bottom’. But like my addict Ex twin @Penguinsandspaniels, the only rock bottom will be death (and probably homelessness and imprisonment first tbh)

Death here as rent is paid by uc tho as he doesn’t pay fines or council tax sometimes I think prison would do it some good

but obv they wouldn’t eve r do that to him as a waste of tax payers money

I think rock bottom does nothing but make it worse for most addicts
ex lost his licence - even less need to worry about being pissed
Ex loses his job - absolutely no need to worry about it all now and all the time in the world to get blathered and drown his ever escalating sorrows

Yeah, certainly has been one continuous downward cycle for ex. Each loss has been one more ‘reason’ to add to the ‘I can’t possibly be expected to give up alcohol when my life is so bad’ list as well as ever decreasing accountability.

Don't bet on it. DH said that his 4 days in jail was like 'some kind of resort'. I guess it's no longer just '3 hots and a cot'.

But then again, he's living in squalor and all alone so I suppose a clean cell and eating in a mess hall with others would be an AI resort to him. Good thing that, since I have a feeling he'll be back in jail in due time and for longer than 4 days.

He's still in hospital and has had to have his wound irrigated under GA again. I'm still praying they send him to some sort of nursing facility since he's obviously not capable of wound care himself.