Evening Shipmates,
On here late, but had a good day today. 100% agree @Lavrander this thread is a lifesaver for me too. I have nothing but admiration for such honesty and openness as is shared here. I wish I could wave a wand and take away that the sense of shame that lots of us feel.
Problematic childhoods - particularly parents - are a very, very common theme among those of us who seek escape and numbness in drink. There will be very few who have not experienced disordered parenting and/or other trauma in the tangled path that led us to our problematic drinking. If there was a secret survey about it of all with our issues nationwide, the results would, I'm sure, be staggering. I had no clue how similar my story would be to others. I think it's a bit like "the script" often referred to in threads where a poster has asked for advice when a husband or partner has suddenly been cold and distant, staying out, spending, etc. - it's so obvious to read them and understand that there's another woman. They're almost word-for-word the same. I think it's similar for us. There is a script. Different players on different stages, but the cause and effects sadly all too similar Much like @FiloPasty says with regard to their DH - often we are so mired in our own script that it takes an external witness to spot it for what it is. We could go through life not knowing that our normal is not normal, or that we did not bring this upon ourselves.
@WendyWagon it breaks my heart that you had to endure this in your life. You deserved so, so much better. It took me a lot of counselling to understand that it was not my fault what happened, I couldn't change it - but I COULD change how I dealt with it, reacted to future incoming, and managed myself going forwards. Very hard to learn, but never a wasted lesson.
But there is no shame in this. @Adsy1988 - you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. No-one in my real life apart from medical professionals know how bad I was at my worst. I am ashamed, of course. But it is an illness. We cannot help the way we are; it's something in us that means we struggle and fight to overcome what we know is harmful. There is not that in us which can help it. Many people can have a couple of drinks and leave it at that, but whatever we have in us makes that difficult. If you break your leg, you need crutches to walk. If you have a cancer, you may need radiotherapy to heal. If you have an infection, you need antibiotics to recover. If you are someone like me, you need support, understanding, willpower (and this thread!) to fight and defeat the cravings. There is no shame in using crutches, radiotherapy, antibiotics when you need them. For me, there is equally zero shame in procuring the support needed to fight addiction. It's what we need to mend us. We do not have this problem because we are weak-willed, shameful or stupid. We've got something wrong with us, which we did not ask for but must endure, which needs a different kind of crutch to guide us.
I've been struggling this weekend lads. Couldn't get to sleep until 5am this morning, and longing heartily for something to numb it tonight. Shop closes in 20 minutes... But no. It will kill me. I don't choose this. I choose Sid. For Sid, then. This is horrible sometimes. But I will thank me for it in the morning. And so will Sid.
Here he is, keeping vigilant watch over the incoming tides. Stand firm behind him. He will not allow the waves to wash over us.
Strength and courage. It will be alright. xx