I have tried since March 2023 to quit, but Ive known I had a problem for 10+ years before that, just choosing to ignore it.
I quit five or six times during the window of March 2023 and July 2025, but I never told anyone why, not even my partner. I just said I was doing it for my health, my career prospects were on the up, so made sense practically.
But by keeping the real reason why to myself, I felt it protected me from others knowing? I felt such shame at the problem I have, I still do in many respects.
My lowest point came in July 2025. Physically I was a wreck, I was hallucinating, hearing things, I think my longest period without touching a drink other than alcohol was four days. All the time I was still holding down a job. I don’t know how I’m still alive.
The house of cards was falling, I could see it. I was done, making plans to end it, I just could not see a way out. It is still horrible to think back and remember how low I was, I haven’t looked back to late June/early July in a while. I just couldn’t see a way out. I cried myself to sleep most nights wishing to die in my sleep.
I knew I was going to get the call in from my line manager, minor questions had been asked, and I think enough digging into previous incidents would (or should have) unearthed a massive problem that I had been masking for years. Five years before, during Covid, my partner broke lockdown rules to go and move in with his friends for a bit after a falling out, and I took that as free will to drink. It got so bad then I had to hang up on my boss as I was sharing my screen and my hand was that jittery that it was embarrassing. I had to say I was having connection issues, cancel the driving lesson booked for that day, and chug probably a third of a bottle of wine, struggling to keep it down.
But this was the end, I knew if I didn’t say to my manager, I would likely be dead before the end of the year.
Having that conversation saved my life. I cannot dress it up any other way. My manager saved my life. He was the most helpful person I could have at that time. I was desperate to save my career, I have worked so hard for it. Ultimately I think he had to sit down when I told him everything, he said he had not the first idea, he couldn’t believe it. Said that I had hidden it incredibly well, as he was hyper vigilant after another colleague was caught drinking, but I showed so many signs during this time.
He fought so hard with me to get me the help I needed, and I know had a huge say in what would happen to my role. Hand on heart I should have been sacked. I was so fortunate to save my career. And my manager was the one that saved it, and who I owe so much to.
Covid caused a lot of people to become alcohol dependent, but I was already a hardened drinker, it just made it easier for me to hide. I never missed a day in the office due to a hangover or drink, I liked a drink but I’d never drink beyond 9/10pm, or maybe rarely.
Ive kinda rambled but I’ll end on this. It is funny how your perception could come full circle?
When Covid hit I thought all my Christmases had came at once. I didn’t need to stop drinking at 10pm, I could drink as late as I liked, as long as I got a few hours rest.
Then when I decided enough was enough I hated Covid for speeding up my alcohol dependency.
Now, if it wasn’t for Covid would I have ever got sober? Maybe, maybe not. But it helped, so I guess I’m back to being thankful Covid happened. Or at least the restrictions allowing me to WFH.
Anyway, I’m having a lovely Saturday afternoon/evening with the cat and a can of juice x