Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@Thefellowshipsorry that sounds dreadful you’re carrying a lot. Hope you have some RL support ?

I am really lucky to have a lot of good friends. I also have a lovely family. I work hard at my relationships and am surrounded by love as a result!

Same. I have wonderful supportive friends - plus ex family is there for dd and I

Short term may be easier. But for how long ? Till the next drink ?

read what you wrote w d what would you reply if I wrote that

im done

feels bleak

detrimental to me

you are important. Your feelings are as well

dh actions are in your case - too little too late

@pointythings and @Penguinsandspaniels and anyone else who replied. I am so grateful you wrote to me, instantly felt less alone. It was wonderful and helpful.

my husband has messaged me this morning (after he went out for 6 hours to the pub yesterday due to ‘football’). He messages at 9am this morning from guest room saying he thinks he needs to drink less beer it’s not doing him any good. He needs to stop.

I didn’t know what the right thing to do was but it felt like a window to finally say “do you think you should try an AA meeting”. He’s said yes he’s looked it up and he will go to one tonight at 8pm.

It’s 5pm and I’m on tenterhooks if he will go. He usually backs out of these things (eg anger management or couples counselling). Will update. I will try not to hold too much hope in this.

@Beachbeach to your dh credit he has reliesed this his self and admits he has a problem

hopefully he will go to aa /meeting and get help

to succeed they have to want to do it so that’s half the issue

so does he want to drink less or stop drinking and not drink

they are 2 different things iyswim

and what outcome do you want @Beachbeach

for dh to stop drinking. Or to drink less

He wants to drink less and I want him to stop drinking forever. I realise mine sounds so severe but I can’t see anything else working.
for him that sounds scary and final and life changing.

Not severe at all. Dh can’t stop at one so needed to not drink at all / sounds the same as mine

he couldn’t manage that and still can’t and why I’m now divorced from him

did he go to aa tonight ?

Morning all, and hello to all joiners of the thread. Having this safe space and all you wonderful cheerleaders is exactly what I need to keep my sobriety going.

July was always going to be a month of reflection for me, it’s the time when I felt my life rapidly losing control and losing myself. Since telling my story on here four weeks ago I have done a lot of self reflection.

What drove me to the first drink? I don’t think anything did. I think I have an addictive personality, I pour my heart and soul into something, get bored, and move onto something else. My latest fad is mushy peas. Been making them with everything lately.

The difference in my life without booze in it is insanely better than I could have ever expected. Day 33 today I think after my blip. Whilst I won’t be 365 days sober come 20th July, I’m still proud of myself for what I have achieved by going sober.

Hi @Adsy1988 . This thread was set up.for people who were living with someone who misuses alcohol rather than drinkers themselves, but it's good that you are working on sobriety. While you are doing this, are you also reflecting on the impact of your drinking on the people in your life? Addressing that will be a cornerstone of your recovery.

Hi @pointythings, many apologies, I read this thread regularly to see the pain and suffering my addiction has caused my friends and family. It was meant to be posted in the usual Summer thread, many apologies.

As mentioned, I reflect daily on how my addiction has affected those around me all the time. I am incredibly thankful to have a good support network.

I am so sorry for everything that everyone is having to put up with through someone else’s alcohol consumption. I am well aware that this thread is not for drinkers, or those who are trying their best to abstain, so once again I am sorry for posting on here.

Hi @Adsy1988 , if reading this thread is useful to you, that's great. You taking the people around you into account is going to strengthen your recovery. You may well have wise words to share from your poverty, so by all means lurk and post if you see something that makes you feel you can be helpful. In my RL group, we have regular shares from people in recovery because it reinforces what we are trying to do.

I wish you strength, happiness and sobriety.

I don’t think you have posted on here. It’s a thread for those who have an alcoholic in their lives and had enough of their behaviour

not for the alcoholic

Tho reading on you now reliese this and thanks to @pointythings

yes well done for stopping drinking - that’s amazing

but

and I mean this kindly. When people stop drinking everyone is wow. Well done. And many (not all) forget the sheer pain and anguish they have caused with their drinking and behaviours

plus

we are all on eggshells for our loved one to start drinking again as that’s is what has always Happened

all the attention is on the sober one. Many don’t understand what their drinking has had on the family

but well done for being sober

as they say. One day at a time

Hi @Penguinsandspaniels, thank you for the kind words.

I can only speak from my own experiences but the pain, chaos, destruction and just everything I destroyed during my drinking is front and centre of my mind, I am incredibly fortunate to still have loving friends and family who do support me. This is a huge driver to my sobriety and many others in recovery, working out if we CAN make amends for the misery we have inflicted on others.

Personally I intend to spend the rest of my life being a better person.

I have nothing but shame and remorse for how my actions have affected people. Which is why I do find reading this thread super helpful.

I am incredibly fortunate to still have loving friends and family who do support me.

Yes, you absolutely are. And I don't mean to be heartless, but I don't think you'll ever understand what that support has cost them, may still be costing them, and may never stop costing them, even if you maintain your sobriety. You'll get a taste of that here when you read our posts. If reading the devastation 'our' alcoholics have caused us helps strengthen your resolve, well, to paraphrase "You're welcome in our kitchen if you can stand the heat". But be aware that we will pull no punches with you (if need be).

So here's a bit of heat from my personal kitchen You're welcome to take it or leave it.

I have nothing but shame and remorse for how my actions have affected people.

My friend, I believe you. But that's not enough. Have you 'made amends'? I've taken the following from AA:

"In AA's Step 8, you're tasked with making a list of everyone you've hurt in any form and become willing to make things right. In Step 9, you take action—making direct amends wherever possible, unless doing so would cause more hurt and harm to the person you're making amends to. An apology is a statement. An amend is a change. When you make amends, you're not just expressing regret; you're aligning your behavior with your values. That might mean returning something you took, showing up consistently for someone you let down or choosing honesty where there was once deception."

Making amends is 'giving back tenfold to those you took from'. It can also mean a person telling you that they accept your amends but no longer want you in their lives. When that happens, you must walk away quietly. My DH has not yet learned to do that when it comes to our sons, who want nothing to do with him. DH is still at the stage of "But I've said I'm sorry!".

You will be in my prayers.

Thank you for your kind words @AcrossthePond55. I have made amends as part of my step work, but do it on the daily. I’m more present in my friends lives, being there for people, being a friend. I didn’t ask for forgiveness, I don’t deserve it. I will live with the shame of betraying, hurting and harming those closest to me.

All I can do is try and live the best life I can, and become the best possible version I can be of myself.

I can’t work out how to edit my post. I am very sorry for the issues you and your children have encountered as a result of your DH and their DD being an alcoholic. As stated above, I haven’t even asked for forgiveness nearly a year after stopping. There is zero point. Words are empty, it is through actions that I intend to be the best version of me.

I am fortunate in the respect that people close to me have stood by me, but it was the first thing discussed as part of Step 8, makes amends for sure, goes without saying, but accept that as a result of your actions people will leave your life. I would have accepted this had this occurred as part of my recovery.

I wish you and your family some sort of peace in the future.

This is all making me feel weirdly uncomfortable.

You stopped but you had a relapse if I’m reading correctly ?

It’s the relapses that are the icing on the cake

obv you didn’t went to relapse. But you did. You drank. You aren’t a year sober - you are a month is that right ?

Pls can we not have a thread derail? In the kindest possible way xx

@Beachbeach If he went to the AA meeting, he will have been told that 'drinking less' isn't going to cut it. He has to do the scary, life changing thing and stop drinking. Did he go?

Please people can I have a handhold. I joined this thread briefly back in December of last year & then got derailed by my inability to follow through. My marriage to an alcoholic husband has ended tonight because he has managed to get & drink 2 bottles of wine before driving my 2 grandchildren home.
He's been dropped by his son at the nearest alcohol shop & my heart is broken 😢
However I can have an amazing life with stepson, DIL & grandchildren if I can just follow through with the end & the divorce

Big handhold here. It’s so crushing when they continue to do things like this isn’t it?
drink driving is abhorrent. To put others in danger like this.
sending a hand hold

He went! He got his 24 hours token/ coin. Good to know they will be talking black and white about becoming tee total