Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Ah yes. Sorry @CharlotteByrde. I rem you saying now - and yes you def did the right thing. Same as I did. Same as we all have done splitting up

I am another whose husband died, suicide, but that was a consequence of his alcoholism. It is all still fairly new (18 months ago), but the relief of knowing I never have to deal with the chaos again even if we had been divorced is real, and there is another side. Friends, professionals and places like this group have been significant in helping me move forward

Sorry my memory is awful. I rem you saying this before @Userccjlnhibibljn8

suicide is very complex and brings up many emotions including relief and guilt even tho there is nothing you could have done

I now have ex ringing me up and saying he’s had enough of life and he still loves me and how shit his life is

Block him. If you can't stand to make that permanent, set yourself a window of time during which you will unblock him - no more than an hour a day - and then let him know you have done this. He has no right to harrass you.

This is pretty much what I hear everyday, often multiple times a day. It usually includes "so I will never drink again" and the "it would be better for you if I was no longer here" is a relatively new addition. I take the call or let it go to voicemail depending on my mood, feelings, and tolerance level at the time. TBH I'm finding as time goes on I'm sort of becoming numb to the repetition of it. I've also discovered that 'numb' doesn't equal uncaring. I can care and be numb at the same time.

Don't be afraid to block him if that's what you need to do, whether it's block him permanently, just for the day, or for the next hour. I do have my phone auto-set on 'Do Not Disturb' for him from 8pm - 7am due to him calling in the middle of the night.

We've all said to each other here that if they choose to commit suicide it is not our fault no matter what we have chosen to do to preserve our own sanity. So it that's what you're worried about, please let that worry go.

And let's face it, if they keep drinking to excess, after having been told by doctors they must stop or die, then they are committing suicide anyway -just a bit more slowly.

This nails it

I’ve always said he will die via drinking

whether stroke , heart attack, stomach bleed , falling over and banging head etc

i dont think he has the guts to actually kill his self like tablets /wrists

he hasn’t rang for a long time saying this. And he was def slurring so knew it was the drink talking

just sad that after his chat 3w ago or giving up - which I knew he wouldn’t - that he’s back to drinking as have money

they say those who say they will dont , and the ones who never say, do out of the blue

I’ve become bizarrely numb to Ex’s suicide ‘musings’ or his ‘I am in crisis’ messages. Last one he sent me, I told him I was about to go swimming with my daughter and that I had texted his friend to let him know. So if he really needed help rather than attention, he knew who to go to. He didn’t obviously.

I used to jump and go running. Now it is almost a bingo of things Ex emails: I’m in crisis/ you let me down and are a terrible person/ my health is failing me. Same story, different day, blah

@Nogoodusername I hear you, I also got fed up with the threats, and used to say ‘OK then, try not to make a mess’. Which of course was not the right answer, but neither was calling 999 or trying to talk him down. Of course he did in the end, but it was his choice , but I think the reason he did was because he was terrified of dementia and he had been told he was on the way there. Writing this down makes me seem and feel very callous, but I am living with it x

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 ...whether I seem/feel very callous, in response to STBXH telling me (on a daily basis) that he will "drink myself to death if you leave me" I have said " drink alone might not do it, best take some tablets as well, just to be sure"....not my proudest moment but this shit show is starting to fray the one nerve I have left😔
Ladies, we are not deluding ourselves that we are martyrs who never have thoughts of the freedom their deaths would bring us - it doesn't make us heartless bitches either; we are human and it's perfectly fine for us to crave peace, by whatever means that is achieved so no guilt trips allowed!💐

I don’t think it makes you or us callous at all @Userccjlnhibibljn8. It’s literally a self preservation technique I think. You cannot live on high alert all the time so we get used to the threats and the crisis and become very ‘meh’ about it all.

Did your DH start to develop alcoholic dementia/ ‘wet brain’/ the medical term that I can’t remember how to spell?

You aren’t callous @Userccjlnhibibljn8. Whatever we do or say it isn’t the right thing and not what they want to hear

So we can’t win either way

in fact I rem dh saying the same thing when we split the first time a year after he was meant to be sober and he said I would be better off dead and I’m sure I said fine do it then. If that’s how you feel

I was then a heartless cow

seems he’s only says that to me or older dd. Or used to be on Facebook stating he had had enough of life

then no one would reply
which I did have a giggle to myself as I’m sure if I wrote on it that I was struggling and down that I would have many replies and friends calling /texting or just turning up to check in ok

We're not callous. None of us. If we were, we'd never have put up with this shit for so long. We try everything and eventually we have to let go of hope and realise we need to focus on retaining what is left of our sanity and sometimes, our own and our children's safety. We can't save the alcoholics in our lives and what they do next is entirely up to them.

We had been separated for the 8 months before his death so I don’t really know the details. What I can gather is that he had been told he had reduced brain mass, he had also had a cardiac arrest and was waiting for surgery of some sort , fallen down stairs and cracked vertebrae and was due in court for a drink driving case, plus waiting on hearing if he would be charged with controlling and coercive behaviour. Not a pretty list.

Morning 🌞. I've been lurking here for a while, and I just wanted to say hello. The recent posts have really resonated with me.

I left my husband 6 months ago because of his drinking and the associated crap that comes with it. We'd been together 25yrs, 2 teens. I thought it would be the kick up the arse he needed to get help and get sober or at least cut down.

Since then it's been a weekly rollercoaster of him saying he'll move heaven and earth to save the marriage, descending into suicidal threats, constant harassment and emotional abuse.

My first partner died by suicide after we broke up, so I'm have been sent into a fight or flight panic every single time he threatens to take his own life. I've had police welfare check on him, repeatedly got his family checking on him. I have stopped going to him now and have cut him off of everything apart from email.

I've been having therapy to help deal with the suicide threats, and it's helping. But it feels endless and I'm tired of it all.

@AlanisMorningShed hello! Your situation sounds grim and the wise women on here will be along to give good support. My question would be if he’s willing to move heaven and earth has he done anything to show that’s true? Has he stopped drinking? Has he sought help? If not then what does moving heaven and earth mean to him? After 25 years it can’t be easy to go it alone but well done for taking that step. It’s good you’re having therapy is it helpful?

@AlanisMorningShed you're in the absolute worst bit of it - where he has realised there are consequences, so he panics and lashes out at you in every way he can while you are still raw and vulnerable. You're doing everything right; bloody well done on going in and seeking out therapy, it's probably the single most powerful thing you could have done. The second most powerful thing is coming here - we've got you.

So here it is: You have taken steps to protect yourself and your teens from his drinking and his behaviour. He's done bugger all. So the moral high ground is all yours. Stay on it, stay strong.

Welcome @AlanisMorningShed to the thread no one wants to be on - but glad I am as we all know what you are going through as been there

so if he wants you back he’s stopped drinking ? Doubtful as I get the woe is me calls when ex dh is drunk

yet he hasn’t had a drink for 2/5w depending who he speaks to 🙄

sadly it seems it will get worse before gets better

I hopes kicking dh out would have been enough to stop and rick bottom but nope

I assume you are done and divorcing even if stops drinking ? Or does he think there’s a ch ace to get back together ?

Hi all, I’d really love some advice? DH has what I suspect is a problem with alcohol (he will occasionally admit it, then deny he did so), his DM is the same so he doesn’t really see it as unusual I don’t think? We are planning on going away as a family at the end of the month, but I’m travelling home alone as I am meeting up with a friend in a different city. My anxiety around him driving our kids home after he has had a skinful is currently off the charts. He is insistent that he’ll be fine, but I’m not just anxious for no reason - I have had 20 years of him getting hammered because he can’t drink sensibly. Any advice would be gratefully received!

@Shabang21 that is a really serious problem. Has he got form for driving whilst impaired? Because if he does, I would have to move the meetup with the friend. Furthermore, I would also have to call the police on him if he went out and drove when I knew he was over the limit. And I know the fallout from that would be horrific, but it wouldn't be as horrific as him killing someone while driving drunk. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Mine didn't drive and I coulnt myself lucky.

He had driven drunk once before, but not with the kids, and I’m confident that my eldest wouldn’t let them in the car (there was a situation at a family event where I had to take youngest home and eldest phoned me to ask me to come get him as his dad was so drunk he could barely walk), but it’s more the day after when they’re due to head home I’m worried about. He will, despite his many protestations, be absolutely shitfaced the day before, and still insist on driving the day after.

Also, thank you for not just telling me I’m a shit mum ❤️

@AlanisMorningShed

Hello and welcome. You're 4 months 'behind' me (I'm 10 mos post-sep from a 38 yr marriage, 2 grown kids) and I want to assure you that in a few months the 'numbness' will start to creep in. Your DH may not stop the whinging, promises, harassments, and complaints (mine hasn't) but although you'll still hear them, you will find yourself reacting to them less and less other than with a sigh and a sense of resignation.

And remember that you do have the absolute right to put the phone down on him or not to answer it at all. I pick and choose depending on my mood and emotional 'strength'. I do have him set for Do Not Disturb from 8pm-7am because I got tired of the midnight calls. You are entitled to peace and calm, and anything you do to get it is a valid decision.

One of the things that really helped me was seeing a solicitor. It doesn't mean you have to 'do anything' but getting legal advice as to what divorce (or separation) may mean to you can be really helpful. I saw an attorney (US) about 2 months after I left and it really helped calm the fears about my financial future. I ended up going down the legal separation route as that was better for me. But again, you don't have to do anything, now or ever. But do get yourself educated 'just in case'.

Another thing was AlAnon. It's the friends and relatives 'branch' of AA. It really helped me. It does have a strong 'spiritual' component which may or may not work for you. There is also an online organization called SMART. I've never used them but others here have.

You'll get through this. Life will go on and you'll find your way.

You are totally not a shit mum! You are trying to have a life, but you have an alcoholic in it like a weight dragging you down. It stops you from doing things. I've been there - once my blinkers fell off, I had to tell my line manager that I could no longer do overnight work events because my kids weren't safe - even though they were older teens.

It's good that your eldest is able to see the signs, but you may have to build a plan C in case it all goes wrong.

@Shabang21

You're not a shit mum! You're in a really, really tough situation.

You say "I’m confident that my eldest wouldn’t let them in the car" so I'm assuming the eldest is a teen or young adult? Can you arrange with your eldest a way for them to take the DC home? How far is it to home? Would it be reasonable to give them enough money for train/bus/taxi and tell them to keep it hidden and only use it if needed? And that you will back them to the hilt if they refuse to get/allow the younger DC to get in the car.

As a last resort, if the eldest truly feels that their dad is incapable of safely driving, they can always phone the police and tell them. Or they can call you and you can do so. There was a case here (US) where an 11 year old dialed 911 when they were actually in the car with their drunk mum.

I'm saying this kindly, but when this situation is over and everyone is home safe I think you need to take a few quiet moments and consider what you want for your and your DC's future. No one here will criticize you no matter what you decide. We're here for you.