Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

They or at least ex , always blames someone else. Never his fault

Having such a weird old time.
DS has been home since 31st March. He is sober. I don’t understand how as he is not on any anti meds. He has DBT sessions - a face to face once a week and a group session once a week. Other than that, there is no other intervention. No AA meetings, nothing.
How on earth is he maintaining this?

His sleep is very poor. His eating erratic. He doesn’t do anything healthy or hopeful. Barely any daylight.
He looks like death.

tonight he has been acting really weird. With his history, I have klaxons blaring.
It could simply be a lack of sleep.
i can’t smell alcohol and I am super tuned to the smell.
Eyes on stalks, speaking weirdly and not making much sense.
He keeps coming out of his room, wandering, going back to room. I keep getting out of bed to go turn lights off.
I have asked him if he has taken an overdose and got some slurred glib answer.

I know when my sleep is awful it’s sends me a bit mad so maybe it’s just that?

It’s hard to cope as every event has me straight back to the past - police, ambulances, suicide attempts, AandE, crisis team, searching rivers for him, holding onto him to prevent him jumping out the window etc etc. The pills and reflexology are helping me a lot but underneath it all is a scary pit of terror.

That is very little support @Hellodarknes55. Was it local drug and alcohol services that arranged his detox? Usually they have maintaining sobriety groups - my Ex had a key worker that he met fortnightly and could attend around 3 groups a week there. It does sound like he is ‘white knuckling’ it and that never lasts. How is he this morning?

100 days is so good @wouldratgerbeunknown, but it must be terrifying - I was so angry with my Ex after rehab one and rehab two as you cannot ‘unlive’ what they have put you through, especially so soon. The early days are so much focused on themselves, which I get from a ‘maintain sobriety in the earliest days’ perspective but not from an affected partner perspective: you want acknowledgment, you want remorse (well I did!!)

Ex never took responsibility. There is always someone else and something else to blame. He circulates through the list - ex wife, me, childhood trauma, neurodivergence, health scares, loss of business, loss of job, lost of family home, etc. CAFCAS said as much too! He’s never made 90 days sober in 4 years, probably more (but he was lying about his drinking when we first got together).

Congrats on the new hair cut and colour @zeroclucksgiven. I’m sure you look fabulous and well done on claiming that independence for yourself

Yes it was local support. They sorted funding for the space. He is being seen monthly by them I think.
He is still spaced out today but making sense. He does have a habit of not taking his antidepressants then taking some he finds and then possibly took more. We control meds but don’t watch him take them. when he went to detox, his room was littered with them.
It’s like having a giant toddler.

I will try to gently ask if he is “white knuckling” it as you put it. He is having weekly therapy via DBT so I hope he is talking to them.
Gawd it’s exhausting. Thankyou for your reply. Sometimes I can’t think clearly so it does help to write it out.

@Hellodarknes55 oh I really do feel for you. That sounds absolutely terrifying. Do you feel there’s something else going on? Where are these services who are dealing with him? Can they review him ? I think my husband was so so lucky no matter what the eventual outcome it’s hard to see how he could have had any more support. In fact our local drug and alcohol team and mental health team have both contacted him since he’s been home to ask if they can provide any input. You just sound so abandoned.

How is DS now ?

@Penguinsandspaniels @wouldratgerbeunknown
It seems likely he took too many antidepressants yesterday. His ADHD and complete lack of routine means he has no grasp on timing. Conversations he had yesterday with us he now believes were 3 days ago.
He is struggling today and his legs aren’t working properly.
If I was me last year, I would be taking him to A and E to check him out.

It seems pointless.
He broke a chair of mine in the night and has no recollection. Yet another thing on the list.
He barely communicates and lies all the time about everything. It might be that he is being offered the world from the services but we are always kept in the dark. If I am honest though, what I have witnessed is that the support isn’t there. At least he is receiving the DBT and I think his cutting has improved. Not sure the horrible words he carved into his skin will ever fade.
Feeling worn out but reflexology beckons.
thank you

@pointythings My solicitor sort of doubted that my requested settlement would pass muster, too, but it did. So rather than cutting him a check to 'even Steven' other assets, his share will come out of my half of the house profit. But my thinking is that since he defaulted the judge figured that if he didn't care enough to contest it why should she disallow it. I end up with the same amount either way, but the asset I have 'saved' for myself is a more advantageous one. He doesn't want the house any more than I do, but if he gets his back up about something he will definitely cut off his nose to spite his face so it's a good carrot to dangle in front of him should he balk at selling the house. I really don't want to end up back in court to force the sale.

@CharlotteByrde @wouldratgerbeunknown @Penguinsandspaniels See, this is why I feel that even if DH should attain long term sobriety (which I don't think he will) the very most I'd be willing to do as far as any reconciliation would be 'together apart'. Because I will never trust in his sobriety ever again. I will always want my own little bolthole to retreat to 'just in case'. And I will not go through the hassle, stress, and expense I went through to get all my things out of a shared place again! He could offer me my own suite in a shared Hampton Court Palace and I'd still say no. But I don't think he'll ever understand why I feel this way.

I would rather just cut all ties and be divorced

@Hellodarknes55

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's one of the main problems when dealing with adult children with addiction problems. We can't demand answers. They won't tell us and treating sources can't tell us. So we're left playing Sherlock Holmes trying to search out clues or 'evidence' that will point to what they're thinking or doing.

Do you think your DS would allow you to monitor his medications to be sure he's taking them properly? Maybe if you frame it from a 'safety' point of view that you want to be sure he's not taking too many. Or would he consent to you filling a weekly pill holder? Even if he won't allow you to hand him his daily doses at least with a holder you might be able to take a peek to see if he's taking them correctly.

FWIW my nephew managed to white knuckle it with his drug addiction. He wasn't living at home so my sister doesn't know how he managed. But she does know he did it without going to a rehab. He's now clean close to 5 years, has retrained, and is now doing very well for himself.

Can defo get that!!!

And it may come to that, it's all going to depend on him. Right now DH is so pitiable and I don't have minor children to consider so I suppose I can 'afford' to think of alternatives. But I'm defo not assuming or planning a single thing.

He's still not drinking (again). He had 5 weeks (forced) in the facility, about 48 hours at home, relapsed for 3 days, now sober 7 days with 5 of those 'forced' due to no AT card. We shall see what happens when he gets a new AT card. My faith is at zero.

As far as divorce, I chose legal separation as it is by far better for me financially.

@AcrossthePond55
Because of his suicidal year last year, we can only collect 2 weeks of meds at a time and we are responsible for handing them out each day.
He usually walks away with them. Sometimes he takes them, sometimes not.
We couldn’t give him a few days worth as he has taken so many overdoses, we have had a load of grief from the dr. He also took all of my partners meds one time too. So all the meds, heavy cleaning fluids and aerosols of anything are hidden.
I don’t know if last night was intentional or not. He claimed to have misplaced the meds having not taken them. (Obviously in hindsight, this is one time he had) so we stupidly gave 2 more. Then he appeared and said he had thrown up and the pills were in the vomit. So gave him one more.
I am hoping he hadn’t been stockpiling any more than that.
He is in A and E now. We will have a nightmare from the Dr.
This morning he claimed he misplaced the meds 3 days ago…..
Partner and I are running on empty in every aspect of our life. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but poor decision making is harming both of our work life situations at the moment and obviously our home life too.

Def keep yourself a bolt hole. We all deserve a lifetime of serenity after the BS we have been though.

@Hellodarknes55

We all deserve a lifetime of serenity after the BS we have been though.

Amen to that!!

Do you think DS would consent to taking the pills in front of you? At least for a few weeks?

We will have a nightmare from the Dr.

OK, that's probably true. But then the Dr needs to tell you what to do about him apparently hiding or stockpiling pills. Knowing this, if he tells you they're 'lost' or that he was sick, should you then refuse to replace them and tell him he'll have to wait for the next dose? It's all well and good for a doctor to write an Rx, but I feel it's also up to them to tell you how to deal with apparent non-compliance. We aren't doctors, we aren't psychologists. We don't have the medical knowledge to deal with noncompliance.

Yes I rem you said better not to get divorced so get pension I think , and yes once had card will be drink - same as I think ex will once gets uc but guess we will see

I’m glad he is in a&e @Hellodarknes55 so you know he is in a safe place

@AcrossthePond55 I guess we will have to try witness him taking them. Just something else for us to do. DS does nothing. Not a single thing to help. He literally is a man baby.

They have kept him in hospital. I do worry that I have become so complacent about his health. All the stuff he has pulled and it hasn’t affected him. Yet.

Hello all. Hugs to everyone who needs it.

Can anyone tell me about wet brain? I’m beginning to wonder about DH. He’s increasingly random, forgets things very quickly (overnight) and is doing strange things like making Chinese eyes as a joke to DS when China is mentioned. He’s been picking some pretty inappropriate things for ispy with the DCs. He’s also saying some very random things, like “it’s not illegal to drive too slowly, they can’t stop you” in relation to our car having a problem that needs fixing.

He’s appeared a bit drunk in the evenings the last week or two - falling asleep early and being loud. If he has spirits he’s hiding them but that’s not at all impossible.

All very unlike him, or at least unlike the man I met. He’s 62 so I’m not sure whether it’s alcohol, MH or early signs of dementia. He’s under intense stress atm and with him it could be all three.

Bah. And I had a spark of hope the other day.

Wet brain at 62 is perfectly possible, but so are stress and young onset dementia - or a combination of all three.

Some useful information here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alcohol-related-dementia

But all of that hinges on your husband accepting something is wrong and seeking a diagnosis.

I knew about wet brain long before my mother developed it - my Dsis and I were able to help her various services join the dots, which in the end led to the assessment that would have seen her involuntarily admitted to a facility. That assessment didn't happen because she fell down the stairs in her home 4 days before and died of a broken neck.

And my Dsis and I did struggle with that, but there was no way we would have been able to make her undertake an assessment against her will.

Oh my goodness, @pointythings , that’s horrendous. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must have been like. He knows full well there’s something wrong and is seeking a MH assessment. I’m wondering how much I can say. Most of my opinion is lay conjecture at the moment and I don’t want to say something that’s not true and have all sorts of consequences I hadn’t foreseen. It’s very difficult to know what to do for best. DF died of dementia but his symptoms were different.

My main problem is that I have two young children in the middle of it all. I’m working on removing him but it’s sooo difficult. I don’t want to let him down or abandon him but he’s not doing us any favours right now.

You have to think what is best for you and kids - think you said you have similar age to me

Oh, I know @Penguinsandspaniels . I’m doing it, it just takes time and it’s complicated. I’ll get there.

@LavenderFieldds

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22687-wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome

DH has been very tentatively diagnosed with the early stage of wet brain, but it's based entirely on symptoms.

He's been Rx'd Thiamine but I doubt very much he's taking it.

His short term memory is very poor. He frequently repeats himself or repeats a question that's already been answered. He occasionally thinks things have happened or been said that haven't, and vice versa. He finds it hard to follow instructions. He'll call me and not remember why he called.

I haven't noticed any inappropriate speech or ideation, but he's occasionally make jokey remarks about his drinking or the DUI that to me aren't funny at all. But that could just be me getting ticked that he thinks there is anything remotely funny about his drinking.

DH is 70 and was showing some memory impairment before he spun out of control. Obvs it's much worse now. But then and now, he absolutely knows that he's 'not right'. I keep encouraging him to see a neurologist, but he never follows through. Once we get his AT card situation taken care of, I'll be pushing him harder.

@LavenderFieldds that sounds very very difficult. Thing is can he be properly assessed while he’s drinking? What is your reservation about telling the mental health team about his drinking? Perhaps they would arrange to detox him to assess him? Or would they just attribute everything to drinking. Might be worth discussing with the GP? I must say our GP was really helpful when my husband was being completely mad it turned out it was all alcohol related. Cannot imagine how you’re coping with all of that and young children.