Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

Welcome, I haven’t seen your thread yet so give us a brief recap of your situation

But this is the group that you will get support and sometimes Helpful advice because we have been there seen it or the T-shirt, et cetera

@Littlewhitedaisy I read your post. Welcome here. I think everyone here has been at the end of their tether. Your DH has not been there for you or your kids for years, has he? He has let you down time and again. If you feel you don't want him to come home, that is a completely reasonable position. It might be that legally it won't be that simple, but living separately seems like the only bearable solution for you and your kids.

Well ex is home. After 5 days in hosp. They couldn’t find anything really wrong with him - not suprised at that tbh as he was ill 🤮💩 due to drinking

he played down as usual how much he drinks and sure once gets paid again the same cycle will happen as it does every month

he couldn’t wait to go home and I just hope tho know he will , but hope he will won’t drink

Oh, this is DH to a T!!!

They go to the hospital because of 'side effects' of their drinking which naturally clear up once alcohol is out of their reach. They lie about the amount they drink so treating sources don't really look for things related to excessive alcohol intake. So they get puzzled, can't point to a specific diagnosis, and end up sending them home as "Well, we have no idea what was wrong but you're all better now". The drunk takes that as "See, not related to drinking at all! I must not be drinking too much then".

When he went to the ER a couple of weeks after I left and they called me as NOK, I told them everything. Prior to that I kept my mouth shut for fear of his temper. But I was out and safe so figured let the devil take the hindmost.

Eldest dd told them he drinks plus on his notes previously , and ambulance obv said he was plastered as well

I want to say I hope this was a wake up call. But I know it won’t as he’s in denial how much he drinks and it’s not that making him ill

@AcrossthePond55 and @Penguinsandspaniels this was mine too. Before things really blew up, he was experiencing some symptoms which, with hindsight, were clear precursors of the cardiac disease that killed him. I took him into the ER on base, stayed with him (my work were very good about allowing me carer leave because they knew how things were). The doc who saw him asked how much he drank - he lied. I saw the Look, I decided to speak out and gave him the number I thought was nearer the truth. Oh, the look on my husband's face...

He ended up referred for some serious in depth investigations, but they found nothing - his disease was of the kind where the first symptom of something wrong is very often death.

I wish I'd had the courage to speak out about his drinking before things went to shit. Maybe it would have helped, probably it wouldn't. I'll never know now. But as with most of the things I've done or didn't do wrt his drinking, I've made my peace with that, too.

No, I'm sure it won't be. But chances are even if it was, that 'wake up' probably wouldn't last long enough to make a difference.

DH (for now) knows he's an alcoholic, knows that it's caused me to leave and his sons to disown him. But at some point I'm sure the desire for alcohol will move to the front of the line.

He's now buggered up his banking and his ATM card has been shut off. It'll probably be 10 days before he gets a new one. He has no way to buy anything at all. We'll see what happens but I predict a panicked call to me saying he needs cash. Go whistle is what he'll be told.

The bad thing is that chances are he's going to miss the meeting with his attorney because he won't be able to order an Uber.

So ex has said he has had enough and going to stop drinking.

doc told him carry on and be dead in a year

well he got told similar 2yrs ago and didn’t make any diff so I’m dubious to say the least

I’ve heard this a million times so sure you can understand why I don’t believe him

but tbh as only see him once a week I wouldn’t know if he didn't or did drink the other 6 days

@Penguinsandspaniels don't give it headspace. He either means it this time or he doesn't. Either way it's his circus and his monkeys.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I agree, don't give it headspace. He needs make (and keep) those promises to himself, not to you. We've both heard it 1000 times and 1000 times the promise has not been kept. I really can't understand why they don't understand that we don't trust their words anymore.

And you know what really infuriates me about that. The fact that the only reason they feel they should stop drinking is because they might die. Nothing about stopping because they've destroyed the lives of those who love(d) them. Nope, it's all about them, isn't it?

Mine still isn't drinking, but then again with no ATM card he really can't, can he? Like the "I'll never drink again" your ex is spouting I'm hearing how DH now accepts responsibility for everything that 'went wrong'. Goodie for him but it stirs absolutely nothing in me. He also said he was 'reviewing' his texts with DS2 and now accepts that he has been a total arsehole in the way he's treated him. Again, goodie for him. But I have a feeling it will mean nothing to DS2. He said to let DS2 know. I said that I will not drop that on him, but that if DS2 says anything about the way his dad treated him I will tell him then. But I also told him I didn't think it would change things.

@Penguinsandspaniels just adding myself to the ‘don’t give it headspace’ chorus…. This is what I repeat to myself every day (most days, every hour!)… we truly are only responsible for ourselves and any DC we have and partners who behave like children are not worthy of our attention 💐
@AcrossthePond55you are holding your line strongly and as always being firm but fair, again I am channeling you and @pointythingsand trying hard to adapt from being STBXHs mother/carer/ whipping boy.
Took a tiny step yesterday… allowed my hairdresser (and extremely good friend who knows all about my wreck of a marriage) to cut and colour my hair in a drastic change from what STBXH ‘authorises’… it was ridiculously scary and I got a withering look when I got home but that actually worked to make me feel stronger again. Oh, I’ve discovered the joy of disobedience 😂😉

Hello ! Things move so quickly on this thread!! Hoping that at least this nice sunny day is lifting moods a bit @zeroclucksgivenmy mum always used to say change hair change care!!
my situation is husband has105 days sober. He’s still attending AA daily seeing the sponsor has a weekly group meeting with the rehab people.
but I’m so up and down.. still having days where I feel so terrible crying etc.
i know it’s early days and I think some of it is I’m trying to be post especially to my own children and the realisation that life is looking very different. Our closet friends are all very alcohol focused so I am missing my social life. I’ve decided not to drink myself which is easier with some people than others.
when I get weepy my husband honestly asks what’s wrong and accused me of not having faith in him and his recovery!!!! As if the last year didn’t happen.
his therapist and sponsor have told him that only his actions can eventually reassure me but I don’t think he’s accepted that at all.
sorry to off load on you all but I honestly feel you’re my people and I really value your support

@wouldratgerbeunknown

when I get weepy my husband honestly asks what’s wrong and accused me of not having faith in him and his recovery!!!! As if the last year didn’t happen.
his therapist and sponsor have told him that only his actions can eventually reassure me but I don’t think he’s accepted that at all.

I so get this!! They think that all they need to do is say "Oh, it will be different now" and we should give them all our trust back, just forget the past, and pick up where we left off before they spun out of control. But we can never forget our lived experience of their drinking. Nor should we.

Yesterday DH was (again) talking about how he's never going to drink again and that in "a few weeks" he will have proven himself so I should be ready to move back in. I just said "Weeks? No, it will take months of you proving yourself and then we'll see". He was very surprised that it might take 'that long' but he didn't argue. I also mentioned that I would never come back when the house is a bio hazard. It's odd, but he seems to just blow the state of the house off as if it doesn't matter.

Rest assured, my friends, I am NOT going back. Too much water has passed under that particular bridge. But I have no problem letting him think I might consider it, if it makes day to day interactions easier. But I'm prepared for the shit to hit the fan when he gets the final papers.

@zeroclucksgiven If you're channeling me and @pointythings I consider it a great compliment. And it also motivates me to keep strong. Good for you on the new style! Every step we take towards our own 'self' is a step away from the person they demand us to be.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I honestly think how you are feeling and the up and down is perfectly normal under the circumstances… you have been ‘white knuckling’ life with him for a long time and in order to cope you (and a lot of us on here) have learned to bury your feelings and keep soldiering on. Now you aren’t stuck in the fog of coping with his drinking, your emotions are tumbling out, plus of course you don’t yet believe in his recovery becoming permanent, time will tell and of course we’re all hoping it is- for you as well as for him. BUT, you have lived with him the alcoholic for so long that became who he is…. Now he’s not drinking you have to get to know him all over again and the two of you will have to work hard on your ‘new’ relationship. I hope and have faith that you can achieve that, after everything you obviously still have a bond and that’s a building block to begin with.
Please don’t put yourself under pressure to be absolutely joyful over his recent success nor to over invest in the promise it will last… you owe it to yourself to take your time and to take care of yourself and your wellbeing .
If your friends are the sort of people who genuinely care for you, they will accept your choice to not drink at the moment and will adapt meeting up with you in different places… the nice weather is coming so get out and about xx

@pointythings
@AcrossthePond55thankyou so much for your words of wisdom. Yes it’s just so strange I have days where I feel ok ( I’m always thinking about the drinking though) and days of absolute despair. He booked a weekend away and paid for it in December in the worst phase of his drinking . I had no intention of going but now it’s here for next weekend I’ve agreed to go ( provided things are still the same by Thursday!) I really hope it’s the right thing to do.
@AcrossthePond55you do sound so upbeat but it must be very stressful playing along with him. I remember you saying you never liked the house so at least that’s not the wrench it might have been. Thinking of all of you xx

@wouldratgerbeunknown

I HATE that house, never wanted it in the first place. And a few years ago actually found out that I was basically 'tricked' into it. He said during a conversation that a coworker's mum (a real estate agent) told him that it was a terrible investment and there was no way we should buy that house. Obvs, he never breathed a word of this to me. The words were out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying. I have NEVER forgiven him for that. And now I know why he was so adamant that we NOT contact an agent (as I wanted to) to handle the sale but use an attorney instead.

I wanted your typical US 3/2 home in a nice subdivision, similar to what we had before we moved here. He wanted a 'big house in the country'.

The only 'good' thing about that house is that I was glad to see the back of it and it's not something I wanted to keep when my attorney and I drafted my settlement request.

@AcrossthePond55 that has really made me laugh! Even though I know i shouldn’t!!!

It's OK to laugh. I think for most of us the feeling is gotta laugh or you'll cry.

It was your delivery that made me laugh!!!

I'm still inthe family home. My late husband immediately conceded that the moment he realised that the marriage was over, and I was happy to settle for no maintenance in exchange. Whether a court in the UK would have gone along with that settlement is anyone's guess because we never got there.

We just reclaimed the house from him. Within 6 weeks of him permanently moving out, we were changing who had which bedroom, we were painting, we were starting over.

Yes I know. Not to give headspace. I don’t think he will not drink. But watch this space

@wouldratgerbeunknown Amazing news. Nice to read a positive story but yes it’s not that simple easy for you.

I can’t rem sorry as so many of us - but assume this wasn’t his first relapse and you are used to him failing/drinking so don’t beleive him

yes over 100 days is great and 3mths but also 3mths is nothing. (Sorry) sure ex managed 3/4mths. Then he drank again

so course you ar waiting for him to relapse

off load all you like. That’s what we are here for

@wouldratgerbeunknown my DH was sober for nearly a year, but I never felt comfortable, settled or happy. I was always waiting for it to go wrong. We never spoke honestly about his drinking and the damage he'd caused. It was always brushed off and he sometimes made comments about changes I'd have to make if he was going to remain sober -stop nagging etc. I really hope your DH begins to accept that he has caused terrible damage to the people around him and that it was his drinking that was the cause. He clearly hasn't reached that point yet.

No he hasn’t reached that at all. In fact I think I can sense some kind of blame stuff creeping in .
anyhow I’ll just have to see how things go but I agree @CharlotteByrdeim not feeling positive at all. A year sober for your husband then relapse must have been terrible.

Unless they take full responsibility for the devastation they caused with their addiction and the associated behaviour, they have zero chance of ever achieving sobriety and getting their lives back.

Mine never once stopped blaming me.