Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking thread 5

[pointythings]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?page=5

A new thread, because the old one is full - link to previous thread above.

These threads are a safe place for anyone who has an alcoholic in their lives. You can ask for help, you can vent, you can say whatever you need to without judgement. We will listen and support you.

@AcrossthePond55 this atheist fully applauds your sentiments.

Never even thought of my marriage vows tbh

for better or worse
sickness and health
death to us part

obv with an addict. It’s worse. Health is pretty crap due to their addiction. Death very likely

this is why there is no fault divorce !

Insomnia has hit my friends, bloody Ex back in my head. Mainly worrying about - will I feel really guilty when he dies/ kills himself? What if I torment myself that I should have done more.

thanks to his friends (aka flying monkeys), he has well and truly invaded my peace.

@Nogoodusername Insomnia is the worst. As one who has been there when it was confirmed my husband had killed himself amidst many emotions I did at least feel that he had made his choice, and that somehow made it feel a bit better.

I am fortunate to be surrounded by those who knew my husband at his worse, including his old friends from before we had met, and they universally kept telling me not to feel guilty.
The theory of that is great and it is my mantra, but I won’t deny the feelings still creep in at times.

big hug, and know you are doing everything you can that is humanly possible and that you have to protect yourself.

@CharlotteByrde absolutely. Something as simple as not being able to find my hair a rush can make me hyperventilate sometimes. Think it’s because it’s doesn’t actually matter and you can melt down.

*hair brush

@Nogoodusername

The lack of sleep wreaks havoc on us, doesn't it? Mine tends to be getting to sleep easily but then waking up around midnight to 1am and then I either simply give-up after one try to get back to sleep or it's sleep/wake/sleep/wake for the rest of the night. And the dog routinely wakes me at 4am. Unfortunately I really haven't found cure for it other than letting it just play itself out and it usually does after a night or two. Although I will say that I'm sleeping better since the final judgement was approved.

Will you feel guilty? Probably. So will I if/when it happens. But I'd use the term 'remorse', not guilt. And remember that even in the best of circumstances there is usually a teeny bit of remorse when a loved one dies. We always wonder if we could have done more, said more, helped more. But usually we've done all we could. And you have! There is nothing more you can do for him without injuring yourself or your DC.

And that's another of the problems with addiction. The addict and those around them actually expect 'someone else' to destroy themselves in a futile attempt to 'cure' the addict. The addict because they can only think of themselves, those around them because they aren't about to destroy themselves to help the addict.

For me it wasn't remorse, because that implies responsibility. It was definitely regret, though.

Yes, regret. That's a better word for what I expect I'll feel.

Although at the rate he's going with abusing his health and then recovering from it, he may be dancing on my grave before I get a chance to dance on his!

PS I wouldn't really dance on his.

@AcrossthePond55 thank you for your kind but also well thought out and expressed post… made me teary eyed but also grateful to you because I can ‘hold on to’ your quotes from the Bible and your wisdom regarding them… really helps me to try to let go of those hang ups!
Also agree with your comments about your H’s health, it’s ASTONISHING how much they can abuse their bodies and yet recover so quickly and easily 😵‍💫 I had a similar epiphany that I may not outlive him which meant that I’d literally be spending THE REST OF MY LIFE with him and his cruel behaviour… that’s one of the main reasons I instigated the divorce!

PS - I would dance on my Hs grave, but I’d do it to his favourite song and bawl my eyes out

@Nogoodusername, I’m sorry you’re struggling with sleep, it’s the pits! It’s so difficult to drown out the crappy thoughts isn’t it? I put the radio on and let my conscious brain listen whilst my subconscious goes for forty winks. Try it 😉

It’s so true @AcrossthePond55 about the addict expecting us to destroy our lives to try and support them. Ex loved a ‘I can’t believe you are abandoning someone in need’ refrain. Or ‘would you leave me if I was suffering from cancer’. Luckily the more it is said, the less impact it has I think.

it’s time for super dark thoughts/ things you would never say outside of this forum, but sometimes I wish if he was going to die from alcoholism (health or suicide) that it would just be quick rather than endless years of this hell. It’s just such a miserable existence from everyone concerned - him having lost everything apart from his life and a roof over his head (not his) and his loved/ former loved ones (me, first wife, siblings, parent, friends) coping with seeing this shell of a person who now inhabits his body and the anxiety and the worry about whether he’ll recover and then the hell of his bad moods and rages.

It’s so just so depressing. I will feel sadness and regret when he dies, but watching a slow and chaotic death through addiction is not without its trauma either.

i’m trying to exit back to no contact again. That’s not going to be without its repercussions (anger). Having now broken my peace for a couple of weeks (and only by phone), I can’t wait for the peace and detachment of ‘not my problem anymore’ to be back

Sorry struggling with sleep. Hope you get some tonight

@zeroclucksgiven Hey, thanks! If I've helped you find peace by quoting the Good Book, that's my good deed for the day!

That 'rest of your life' thing was weighing on me too before I left. I was trying to live day to day without thinking much about the future that lay before me. And I left for a more immediate 'Why am I living like this' rather than 'this will be the rest of my life', IYSWIM. But soon after I was out and experiencing the peace and quiet it hit me that I never have to live in chaos again.

@Nogoodusername You know, there should be a term for the alcoholic/addict's inability to see beyond their own wants. But I guess 'arsehole' will just have to do. If it's a form of narcissism, I think it's a 'chicken or egg' thing. Did the 'substance' make them that way or were they always so selfish but just able to hide it better and manipulate more subtly. All we can do is refuse to engage. Even when their manipulative shit makes us want to defend ourselves.

As far as the 'dark thoughts', both my sons have said it would be easier if he would just die. Although I can't actually say that 'out loud' (yet) I find that my brain says 'Yep' very quickly and quietly before I can squash the thought. But squash it I do. I can't decide if my inability to express that is because of the feelings I still have for him or because I was raised that you never, ever 'ill wish' someone or wish anybody dead.

You know, we will all be OK. Even though we have shit to slog through, we will come out the other end. The Good Book again but the words are true "Weeping endureth for the night, but joy cometh in the morning". Right now we may be 'feeling' the night. But soon the morning will dawn, we'll be able to pack away the baggage and just enjoy being alive.

Awww @AcrossthePond55, I’m agnostic, but that phrase (sorry if that’s the wrong word - saying/ passage?) is beautiful and made me teary in a comforting way.

I really hope I sleep tonight too! At the moment I am battling DS to do his maths homework

I often had those dark thoughts. Even now, I can't say I am sorry that he died. It was such a relief at the time, knowing it was over. Don't get me wrong, I loved him once and I regret he became an addict, but once he was addicted to alcohol, he was in a self-destructive spiral and his cognitive function was so damaged he was never going to recover. It feels like a terrible thing to say but I am glad it didn't go on any longer than it did.

....his cognitive function was so damaged he was never going to recover.

Yes, this is just about where he's at. And I'm at the place of 1-where is this all going (for him) and 2-how long can he go on?

He said yesterday that for the first time he had thought about whether or not he needs to be in some sort of assisted living because his memory is so bad. But then he nixed it right away due to cost and the fact that he didn't want to be 'sitting around with a bunch of people who just stare out in to space'. I've suggested (not for the 1st time) that he call his GP about seeing a neurologist for a full workup. But he won't.

He functions OK with his day to day living. And his long term memory is still intact as far as things that happened years ago. But his short term memory is pretty 'iffy'. He can remember some things and can't remember others.

I know I'll grieve deeply if/when he goes but it will also be a relief. I had those two emotions when my folks died. Dad died due to a neurological condition and Mum had advanced dementia when she died. The relief was for them, that they were past all suffering. If/when DH goes, the relief will be for me and our sons that he's no longer something I'm having to 'deal with'. I'm having trouble reconciling those two 'reliefs'. But since it doesn't appear to be going to happen any time soon, I mostly stick them in a box, slam down the lid, and put that box on a high, high shelf in the back of my mental closet. I have other fish to fry for now.

@AcrossthePond55 I lost my DF to dementia, it was horrendous. He ended up in a care home and died alone, I was four hours away. I have a similar box that I keep my guilt about him in. There wasn’t any more I could have done for him but it still breaks my heart. Hugs.

Thanks. Mum died in a care home of Covid during the lockdown so we weren't allowed to sit with her. At the point where the hospice team felt she only had a few hours, DB and I were allowed in for 15 minutes to say goodbye. The one 'blessing' of her dementia was that she was too far gone to know who we were even if she had been aware of our presence. Even so, DB and I told her we loved her and thanked her for all her loving care over the years. As we're both adopted we also told her that if we could have chosen our parents, we would have chosen them. Then we told her that if she wanted to go join Dad to go to him. We'd see her again 'someday'.

We were so lucky that the care home was run by a mother and daughter who promised us that Mum would not be alone at any time.

Hi, please can I join in? I have a thread on the go and invited over here. We’re in a hell of a place at the moment and I just am ill with it all

Of course you can join. Is your thread in Relationships or AIBU? Just asking because if we can read it, you don't have to type everything out all over again.

This is the place where you'll get support, possibly some tough love, and a safe space to vent as much as you want.

Welcome @Littlewhitedaisy and hugs. Nobody wants to be here but we’re all here for you. I ended up in hospital due to stress from DH. I feel you. Well done for finding your way here. I’ve benefitted so much from the women I’ve met on here.

@AcrossthePond55 I’m so glad you got to do that. I swear it will have gone in at some level. I saw DF two weeks before he died and he didn’t recognise me, but when I told him who I was he knew me. I had a few lucid minutes with him and I know he knew he was loved. He was a borderline alcoholic towards the end before the dementia got the better of him, but it at least saved him from that.

I feel like I’m not really checking in on anyone else on here atm, there’s quite a bit going on, but I’m always sending solidarity to you all. I’ve had day 2 of my new job today - it’s like paid therapy. Peace, calm, silence, no unreasonable demands or crises. I feel like I’ve had a spa day. I’ve deliberately taken a job that’s below my past experience levels and it’s doing me the world of good. The dog has missed me and has been glued to me since I got home.

DH has accepted the demise of his business and is actually better than he has been for a while, in terms of MH. He’s still drinking, he bought me a bottle of rum for my birthday and drank most of it and he welcomed me home with a vodka martini, but he’s contacted his MH team himself and is getting things moving on that front. I’m not letting hope flower too much and I’m still intending to divorce him, but there’s a possibility something might be salvageable for the children’s benefit, whatever that looks like. He’s very focused on me being his emotional support but I just don’t have any time for that any more. Happy to be a wife/partner but not a therapist and emotional support animal.