Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

My husband has been trying to stop drinking for a year. Last about 4 months and then the secret drinking creeps in. I suspect, I search things, I sniff any bottle I find. I don't even want to confront him as I delude myself that he is still sober and I'm going to set him back by asking

He's admitted tonight he's been drinking again for about a week (doesn't drink at work) . We've gone through the same old script again...how he can't do it...how he will do it...how actually, he should be "allowed" to be a social drinker as 9 times out of 10 he's not a twat...how I'm boring because I don't drink (he's made me despise alcohol and everything to do with it)... how he's going to go back to aa (that he lasts a month or so at)...how he'll prove he can do it...

I'm tired of it all. But we have kids. I don't want to loose my house. And I might have to sell it if we split. My eldest has exams this year.

I feel almost gaslit. Because he is trying to hide his drinking, he hasn't been a dick. He's also not a violent drunk. He's just intolerable and can be verbally nasty, moody, unpredictable, obnoxious. But not every time. Hes "the fun one" and his friends (who are supposed to be our friends) don't help as they don't get it...they tell him its ok, everyone has off days when drunk, that he isn't that bad but they don't have to deal with the consequences. They can have the fun social event and not deal with potential fall out later on or the next day. Its not them who would be explaining to his kids if he got arrested for drink driving, lost his job for being over the limit the next day, trying to smooth over arguments he has caused...

The thought of saying this is it and leaving is so hard as there isn't one big thing. I just know I hate being around him when he drinks. I hate waiting for him to come home and get mega anxiety about getting a phone call from his friends, ambulance or even police that its all gone wrong.

I don't really know what I'll do now.

How terrible especially as you've got kids. Think as well we've always had drinking friends in fact I decided not to have anymore to do with the drinking friends and this has now been identified as a "loss" for my DH.
Thinking his time away is a real time for me to reevaluate everything.
All the horrible things he says about me makes me think it's all hopeless

@Whaleandsnail6 he's saying all the things he needs to say to convince himself he doesn't have to stop drinking. Ignore all of it, including the stupid opinions of his drinking buddies (these people are not your friends) and focus on your needs and your children's. Long term, do you want to continue llving with someone who can be verbally nasty, moody, unpredictable and obnoxious? It is more than possible that he is drinking at work and that eventually he will lose his job and his driving licence.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I hope you get your 28 days of peace. You certainly deserve them!

@Whaleandsnail6 sorry you have found us

thy can’t be social drinkers - ex always says that. Not fair. You /friend/daughter drink why can’t I

erm coz you can’t stop at 2 drink

you can’t and won’t set him back by asking / that’s his manipulation to you

you are gaslit. We are all

your dh sounds like my ex dh - not violent or would have ended it years ago but the emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad if not worse

it is hard when have kids but that’s what gave me th strength to end our manage. Dd deserved more.

to not be scared in house if he shouts drunk etc

I didn’t reliese how much we walked on egg shells till we didn’t

Maybe I am a horror show!! I'm just thinking I can get my hair done. I can get my nails done I can meet up with friends without being questioned!
For a whole 28 days!!
And if it were to be successful I'd get my husband back at the end of it?
Am I delusional?

@wouldratgerbeunknown I would focus on enjoying the peace and doing the things you want to do. Spend some time thinking/discussing with your kids about what you need to make your life as good as possible, whether he continues to drink or not. Your happiness mustn't depend on his sobriety.

@CharlotteByrde seconded so hard.

When my late husband went home two days into our summer holiday in Devon after I had given him an ultimatum at home (he left because I refused to drive to the nearest supermarket after he'd drunk 2 bottles of whisky in two days), DC and I had a fabulous, happy, relaxed time with just the three of us.

When my late husband ended up doing 2 weeks inpatient treatment in London, for us it was 2 weeks of peace and quiet in the runup to Christmas (when it all went to hell in a handcart).

Take the time you have been given and think of it as a treat for you - relaxing time, thinking time, planning time. No need to fret about your husband at all, @wouldratgerbeunknown .

Lying here (it’s 3.30 am UK been awake since 1 am) thinking that unless you have (or are) lived/living with an addict, you’ve no idea of the hell experience. I am saying this as I told my DS to leave last weekend. He arranged with my friends son to stay at theirs (very short term) I wasn’t happy about this arrangement. He will be treated well so ‘rewarded’ (as I see it) for his dreadful behaviour and disrespect for me. He will not behave badly there. He will not disrespect her/husband or their home. They will not see what I experience.

I am, on the one hand, grateful they gave him shelter, on the other hand I resent how easy he will have it there. Of course he took the easiest most comfortable option.

I am very resentful. Not just of the above, I’m just generally resentful of all the suffering he has (and still is) put me through.

Sorry, I just needed to offload that.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I think you need to also be aware that you may not get the 28 days of peace. He will be able to change his mind and come home, or go out and drink and be asked to leave. I would make all your contingency plans to leave now/during the first few days of his detox. I don't want you to think I am being negative, just think you need to manage your expectations.

@Isthisit2025 I completely that it feels shit, knowing he will be on his best behaviour and also being given lots of attention and "aw bless". Hopefully he will behave whilst he's there, but it probably wont be long before things go downhill. Which will bring its own set of emotions. Definitely try SMART family & friends. I went to a group online and found it helpful.

Oh no please don't tell me that !

Hi. I stepped away for a few days and missed your arrival. Our current situations sound very similar as I have a 23 year old son who is a suicidal alcoholic. We have been paying for a flat for him since last summer. He managed 3 weeks in that flat and after a few days of numerous suicide attempts, my partner agreed to him moving back here. I didn’t want that. I am further on in the process and am fully expecting him to die.
He is still here 5 months later. We feed him alcohol as he waits for a residential detox. 22 units of vodka a day until he begs for more. His room is squalor. Like the previous room before we moved him out. When he has a therapy session we try to clear up but that is usually picking razor blades out of the carpet, clearing all the empties and vomit. Blood soaked clothing and bedding.
I hate my life and have considered everything imaginable. I mean everything.

Well done for getting your son to leave. You absolutely deserve the space and time and it’s now up to him. I send 💐 to you from me. My son has no friends. No options for a roof over his head. I even started down the route of trying to get him a place at the YMCA as they have an addicts setting local to us. My son was beyond outraged that I was suggesting he live with alcoholics and drug addicts.
I honestly don’t know what the future is. We are so focussed on that residential detox and I am fully aware that he is unlikely to stop.

Put your feet up momma. Relax and breathe. He has a roof over his head and other people around him.

My heart goes out to you all reading these stories

DH often says he will 'drink himself to death' during a drinking binge. Unsure if he has depression and anxiety but it seems like it.

I think going to the GP about that and getting prescribed some antidepressants would help. Maybe they could not be taken with alcohol which might help too although might be a worry if he drinks on them I suppose.

My son is on anti depressants and was also on adhd meds for a massive chunk of time that said they shouldn’t be taken with alcohol. I kept telling his psychiatrist but 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think having the dr involved is generally a good thing.

We went down the route of seeing the gp who to be fair was extremely kind . She prescribed antidepressants and zopiclone initially this helped because he was sleeping all night but not drinking during the night so it was a respite of some sort of. But now he's just taking them when he wakes up so is now drunk and drowsy and I think the tablets with alcohol are an extremely bad mixture.
So far I haven't seen any improvement with the antidepressant but again them and alcohol are not helping together.
So I'm not giving advice but it seems to me now that these medications are actually exacerbating the problem.
Of course it's tempting for me to just leave him in bed sleeping.

My late husband was on antidepressants. The reason people are told not to drink on them is because they counteract the antidepressant effects - alcohol is a depressant. So my husband took them but kept right on drinking. They did nothing, but because he was taking them, he felt he had the right to carry on drinking, because he was 'doing something about it'.

The only thing that helps is not drinking and addressing the reasons for the addiction. And that takes a big difficult decision from the addict.

We've sadly been very very active on this thread and it is nearly full, so I have made a new one:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4

@Hellodarknes55 - oh my goodness. / I know it’s not a race to the Bottom but God I think your story must be the worst I’ve heard on here

im so sorry you have to go through this

in comparison having an annoying verbal drunk dh who lies in nothing to what you have to indure

and prob harder as you son rather then a dh/partner

. Does he want to get sober /go on the detox ?

@Orangesandlemons77 ex is on strong antid and drinks a bottle of vodka a day when has money so it can def be done

It's true here (US). DH keeps saying that he wants to go to a detox/rehab that will 'lock him up' and keep him away from alcohol. They don't. The point of rehab is that one WANTS to get sober and forcing oneself to 'stay put' despite the cravings is part of the process and a proof of one's motivation. It's also a 'proof of strength' for them to build on. Even court ordered rehabs allow you to walk out. It's just that you go to jail if you do!

So unfortunately I have to agree w/ @pointythings . Enjoy the space moment by moment, but remember the old saying "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". If you can't bear anything else, get a suitcase packed & ready and get important documents and precious items out of the house. You won't know if he walks out unless you've asked the facility to inform you or he calls you for a ride.

I know it's hard to contemplate 'stripping' the house of things, but you will be glad you did. What is taken out now can always be returned IF the 'miracle happens'. I didn't have the chance to pack more than an overnight and was not able to take much with me when I was escorted out as it happened so fast. After he made threats to and then actually did destroy some things that were important to me I've conducted numerous 'commando raids' when he's been at the ER to retrieve important papers and precious items. The 'raids' are nerve-wracking and I don't recommend them to anyone. I've been gone 6 months now and I'm STILL going back to retrieve things as I remember them or my sons ask me about them.

@Hellodarknes55 I am so so sorry to read your situation, the pain and distress you are going through is unimaginable. I feel for you all including your DS. It has truly upset me reading your post.

Unfortunately I cannot afford to pay for accommodation, I’ve said he can come back here but with rules/boundaries in place. I doubt he can live up to those stipulations though. Like you I honestly don’t know what the future holds, I am
constantly imagining the worst, and almost trying to accept it.

I would love to be able to relax. And breathe. I can but it is short lived, he is never far from my thoughts.

You are in my thoughts. Your situation is incredibly distressing.

Thanks for your message. Really, he wants to be dead but is too afraid to die and too afraid to live.
He is receiving DBT and tells us that they cannot address his drinking until his mental health improves. Chicken and egg.
it feels pretty hopeless if I am honest. I am relieved to have somewhere to vent.

Thankyou.
You are in my thoughts too. 💐