Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

I guess with a joint house you sell it and split proceeds and buy a smaller house each

Or you end up renting somewhere small... It's very much not idea.

My late husband ceded the house to me in exchange for no child maintenance. We never found out whether that proposed financial order would have been passed by the court, but even if we had ended up doing the more conventional split with everything in the pot, I'd have got more because of having the DC 100% of the time, and there would have been enough for both of us to buy somewhere smaller with a small mortgage.

@wouldratgerbeunknown youve got so much to look forward to -looking after your grandchild for a day a week will be a joy. Yes, he was a great husband but that's not where you are now and you need to prioritise your own needs now and those of your children and grandchildren. He has made terrible choices, which you can do nothing to change.

He died before it was sorted ?

I am forever grateful if that’s the right word that the house was mine and he never paid anything into it. - yes I know I was a mug and fool

I know they even if I have tough times /work isn’t good (I’m se) that I’ve always got a forever roof over our heads

Can you look after grandchild at theirs ?

I doubt they will allow at yours incase dh is about

Yes I can but it means staying over there 2 nights a week they live about two hours away . I have other grandma friends here who we meet up with etc which he and I enjoy , they would come and stay as their work is nearer to here. Too complicated to explain
So another great arrangement ruined

Only ruined if you allow it

hes drinking so you need to agree to boundaries and if he breaks them then you need to say he’s not welcome in the house

We sailed around Greece for two weeks the October before last. Of course, there's alcohol everywhere but he was fine. He said not drinking made him feel like the odd one out though(I'm lifetime teetotal so it's normal for me). We are meant to be cruising the coast of Norway this year, and he would be fine, IF he wasn't on a bender when we were supposed to leave. But I''m just getting really fed up with the uncertainty, and he's let me down badly recently, hitting the vodka and simply not turning up to things, including important stuff like driving me to a concert I was playing at when I'd already driven a long way and needed the break.
Right now he might be dead, I have not been in touch, and honestly there's a part of me that would feel relief.

Yes, he died 12 days before the nisi was pronounced. Which made life so much easier. He left no will, but because the estate was under threshold (house not counted because jointly owned and I was the widow) it was all really simple. It was the US life insurance companies I had a fight with, especially the second one that I had to threaten with a lawsuit.

If you are feeling like that, it really is time to walk away....

It just gets worse here. We had 2 days where he restricted his drinking to a few beers after tea & it was civil & lovely & although i know i have to stay firm on ending things, there didn't seem to be any major rush to get the ball rolling. Then he went back to the vodka & apparently now he is going to have me arrested for coercive control, because at one point in his care plan from his CPN it was a goal that he sent his benefit money to me, so i could help him manage his destructive drinking, which he used to say was a form of self harm. He's now reporting this to the police as me taking all his money off him.
I'm not in any way scared that there is a case to answer & i know i've got evidence & witnesses to disprove what he is saying, but how on earth does someone get so cruel, and so blind to their own behaviours that they can be in such total denial.
So much of what i have done has been to ensure that his relationships with his kids & grandkids were able to be maintained around the drinking. I wish i hadn't bothered, because he doesn't deserve them. Even now he gloats about how they all hate me & how he will leave me & they will have nothing to do with me. It's so hard to remember in my head that this is not true.
I guess that's the reality of living with an addict, his truth has been dripped into my brain for that long it has somehow become my truth, & that is why walking away is so difficult i think.

Morning all. Well, morning where I am anyway.

And so we have another trip to the ER after EMS being there twice in 15 minutes last evening. There was an Apple Watch fall alert and they showed up and left, I assumed they just picked him up. But they were back about 15 mins later, with 2 sheriff deputies. (I see this on the Ring Cam). No idea why the sheriff was called but it ended up with him being taken away by ambulance. So far he's still at the hospital as I alarmed the house and it hasn't been set off. CA law says 911 must respond to calls, but I'm sure they're getting mighty tired of it. I know I am.

I've read posts from a few about those periods where they stop drinking. Those periods where everything is nice and 'the way it was' are just about the ultimate in cruelty, even though they are unintentional for the most part. No matter how hard we try to think with our heads, no matter how 'true' we know the truth is, our hopes get raised and dashed every time. Mine are no longer the 'big hopes' with my hopes then falling off a 100 ft cliff and being dashed on jagged rocks. Mine are pretty much now 'small and short hopes' and the resulting falling of my hopes off a 4 foot wall. But it still hurts. I wonder if one ever gets to the point where the hopes simply don't happen at all. I want that to happen yet I dread it. Because it will mean that the love I feel for him is dead and I simply don't know how I'll ever be able to fill the empty place in my heart if he no longer fills it.

@Fibblet

Right now he might be dead, I have not been in touch, and honestly there's a part of me that would feel relief.

I completely understand. I admit to the same feeling, and such a feeling of guilt when I have it. I think part of it is my Southern Baptist upbringing. You NEVER wish or even think ill on anyone, EVER. I think the other part is me just wanting my life to be 'simple'. His death would bring complications of their own, but they would be mine alone to solve. Easier than the current 'dancing around' his abilities to make things difficult for me and the ongoing legal stuff due to his non-response to my petition for legal separation. If he had responded we could have negotiated financials and we probably would be done by now. As it is it's going to mean court hearings with a judge having to decide what's 'fair'. Court calendars are already out 3-6 months and the 1st hearing hasn't even been scheduled.

I’ve managed to get through my day (I teach music privately) but now I’m sat here sobbing. I have to teach music classes tomorrow until 1pm and then play Mozart’s requiem in a cathedral. It’s so hard being professional with this going on.

last year I kept a record, and he was drunk for 60 days of 2025. Usually 5-7 days at a time, every month or two. That’s a lot better than the six years before that, when he was drunk almost every day- this problem only started after he retired from a long, very high status career as a pilot. Suddenly there was just nothing, and he couldn’t cope. We’ve tried everything from expensive rehab to hypnotherapy…..

@AcrossthePond55 not quite the same situation but we had very similar with my mum. She was having regular falls - got taken into hospital the first few times, after that though they would just patch her up at home. She always denied drinking.

Her neighbours contacted me more or less demanding that either me or Dsis move in with her, or bring her to the UK to live with us. Her care team had specifically advised us NOT to do this, and it wouldn't have been possible in any case.

We did what we could - stayed in touch with her care team and her GP, made sure that when she was driving without a valid license, her car got impounded, and ultimately we arranged the assessment that would have seen her compulsorily admitted to a care facility, though she died before that could take place.

The guilt was awful. But we both knew we couldn't save her.

Sounds bad timings but not iyswim but you still get 💐

I doubt he will really report to the police

@AcrossthePond55 that’s how I feel. Dh killed my love for him with his drinking lying and abusive behaviour

I wonder how I got it so wrong when we got together /choose to have a child /got married etc

the hope does fade - I know ex will never stop drinking and I hav come to terms with that - just wish he wouldn’t lie about it

and hearts are amazing as I did think how will I cope without him. The first few months I was willing him to stop and could get back together as didn’t want to break the family up and be a single parent etc / even though maybe he could just drink at weekends

but there is no just

they can’t drink at all and that’s never gonna happen

I’m filming in the financials now do our divorce. He has agreed a clean break. Hoping this happens

Oh god it's just a horror show

He's been assessed and is due to go into detox and then rehab for 28 days
He is being so unpleasant to me it's actually awful.
He's putting on this terrible performance slurring his words etc then when our daughter called he's right as rain!
So I'm in bed going to watch the traitors
At least I have the prospect of 38 days of freedom. Think I'll get the house valued and maybe view some flats

28 days

He may well have been told that his staying in his job at all hinges on him getting treatment and being sober. If, as is likely, he has been drinking for a lot longer than the 6 months you know about, and if, as is likely, his performance at work has been slipping, then right now he is seeing the whole edifice of his life calling down around him. This is when addicts start to spiral.

You are wise to start looking at flats. Get those ducks lined up.

His work don't officially know the psychiatrist said they word the sick cert so work can't know the real reason.
I think what shocks me is how he wheedles but then has a million crimes I e committed lined up. Turns out I'm quite an unpleasant person.
But then when he speaks to the kids he's fine! Normal speech etc
I can't see this rehab working because he's in total denial about his role in this whole mess

Why would he fake how drunk he is to them ? To prove that he’s gEtting better quicker ?

No he seems to be able to be completely coherent when he talks to the adult kids but awful to me.

He must be drinking but i haven't seen where the booze is. He was in bed all day yesterday and last night i didn't go out today could he just stay drunk for 24 hours?

No but if anything like ex - just a one /two drinks will top him back up