Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

I do think addiction vulnerability is a matter of wiring. My late husband was the third generation in his family to be an alcoholic, and it has been shown to run in families.
The question then becomes what you do with that knowledge once you realise you don't have the off switch that everyone else has. That's where choice and responsibility come in.

I drink. Very moderately. I hate the feeling of being drunk, so I don't go there. Simple, for me. Not for everyone.

I’m so sorry @Fibblet. Relapses are crushing. My Ex’a longest stint sober out of rehab was two months and I had definitely begun to hope that time.

It’s true that you will still worry if you separate, but there is something very freeing about worrying from a distance rather than from the ring side seat on the thick of it. You know that you can’t control or cure it for them but while you are in the thick of it, you do try, it’s probably impossible not to. it’s been a slow process for me of letting him go and letting my worry go. Piece by piece. The relief to be off the hamster wheel of watching an addict destroy themselves is immense. It took me many attempts to stay on that path of separation though, so you will when it is the right time for you.

Agree @pointythings. My Ex had two alcoholic parents. I count myself lucky that I only had the one as it improved my childhood tenfold compared to his and gave me a good chance that I would have my mum’s off switch not my Dad’s. Ex has always used alcohol unhealthily from his teens onwards. His siblings either have an off switch or realised their susceptibility and exercised different choices.

I do still struggle sometimes with the idea that it’s not his fault and it’s harsh that I withdrew my support l/ presence in his life - childhood trauma, genetic predisposition, neurodivergence, now brain damaged by addiction (in terms of brain has stopped making producing dopamine normally due to the years of alcohol dopamine flooding the brain)

BUT knowing that addiction is complex doesn’t ultimately change the fact that being in a relationship with an addict was HELL. I had to choose me as I am also a mum, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a colleague, a professional. The stress and anxiety of Ex’s addiction was destroying me and making me lesser in all other areas of my life. I couldn’t change it or fix him but I could live my life and be a good Mum, friend etc again. It took the best part of a year, despite the fact that unlike many on this board we did not have children together so it was so much easier to walk away. But I know it was right to do.

@nogoodusername predisposition doesn't equate to a free pass. If anything, it's the opposite. It's instant responsibility not to do the high risk stupid thing.

My kids know this. They both have the off switch, but are nevertheless careful.

Agree. Both my brother and I have always been careful. I plan to make sure my kids are too.

He's still in bed must have just drank all night then conked out.
I'm planning this last intervention with an aim of getting to tomorrow
The self pity and blaming everyone else is so hard to hear
He's had a great life really
Very nice parents no history of addiction although his mum was maybe a bit tricky
Nice children who have been very supportive
A very good career
I would say me but clearly I'm a big problem ( according to this AA book) he's taking all that so seriously apart from the bit about NOT DRINKING!!!)
Have just looked up the local Travelodge not too bad at around £40 for the night . It's my plan b if it is intolerable here.
Thankyou reading your experience s is like a terrible crash course.

For those asking the question 'it's not their fault' it is an illness. I battled with this at times, but you have to think, if someone had a broken leg, and insisted on taking the plaster off and walking on it, would you say they were making a wise decision, and you would hold them accountable for the collateral damage.

There are many many people who have significant stress and trauma in their lives, many people who have profound depression, but who listen to those who try to help and they take responsibility for their health, even if it is a tiny thing of getting some fresh air, and eating a proper meal. They don't abuse the people who love them and who are trying to help.

Alcohol seems to take away that power of listening and accepting help, however small.

I don't know how you get around that Catch 22.

That's it exactly it's so hard to be sympathetic when you feel it's something they COULD overcome. If someone has had trauma etc yes I could maybe understand more but it just seems needlessly selfish
The only thing is I do see all the AA people who have managed to get sober so must be possible for some people,
One of them keeps texting me but he says clearly it has to come from the person

I don't think it is a catch 22. It's about making sensible choices. When this question comes up, I think of my DS, who became disabled starting at age 18. He's now nearly 23. His condition is genetic (on the EDS spectrum) and severe. He is an ambulatory wheelchair user, in constant pain, subluxes minor joints daily and major ones several times a month. He has chronic fatigue, brain fog, depression, cardiac and gastrointestinal problems. Also had an alcoholic abusive father.

He could lose himself in self pity and substance abuse. Instead he works incredibly hard at self care and fitness, has a job, has friends, hobbies and a social life. He has chosen to make a good life for himself. It will never be easy for him, but it's better than the alternatives. He gets help when he asks for it, though it often takes time and effort.

Choices, consequences.

I still can't believe that my mother saw her own father make everyone around him miserable with his alcoholism – and did the same thing.

She didn't have a happy childhood – but neither did I!

Sometimes I feel sorry for her, but more often I think, 'well you saw it with your own eyes and you were too pig-headed, complacent and reckless to make a choice to swerve it'.

I used to drink a couple of times a month. I stopped entirely nearly two years ago and am still so pleased and relieved I did.

I went to one alanon meeting. It was really not for me. I did not expect to be praying in a circle or giving myself up to God. I am not religious. I am not the problem, he is. Then I found a local addiction therapist who is meant to be giving me 12 counselling sessions, and her attitude to it was much better. Also, she says it is NOT an illness. I don't think it is either. It's a bad habit to cope with trauma and stress, which has led to an addiction. Thing is, when he's sober he then makes that decision to do it again and that's where I struggle. His longest gap was 7 months, I'm sure he could do it if he wanted to - he just can't be bothered. I sent a three page email at 5am- I've not slept - and outlined the hell I've been through and how I won't be sticking around to watch him kill himself and he has to show me something meaningful if this is going anywhere. Meantime I'm not answering the phone or replying to any messages and we will se what happens - on Saturday he is supposed to be doing one of his favourite activities which he never misses so he might pull himself out of this but I'll give it 50/50.
It's crazy - we had two weeks in Cumbria for Christmas and he climbed 9 mountains with me!!

Are you living with him?
I m finding the return to the house so difficult when I don't know what I'll find.
He's on two weeks sick leave and I was pleased but now I'm not so sure
At least while he was out I was worried but it was totally beyond my control
Now it's still beyond my control but I'm policing it all unsuccessfully.
He's asleep or pretending to be and periodically shaking but I think it's all an act.
He stinks of booze so how can he be withdrawing?

No I have my own place 15 minutes' drive away. He wanted us to live together and I stuck to my original statement that unless he quit permanently I would not live with him. He just does not see it. Complete denial and refusal to accept how bad it is.

From reading on here, I think Al Anon can be really variable depending on which group/ who runs it/ their ethos. The one I went to was far too much ‘keeping the family together so the addict has the right support while you detach with love’. I had more luck with SMART Recovery friends and family. Online, but the ethos and approach worked for me and really helped me in my journey to leave. A therapist who specialises in addiction sounds perfect @Fibblet. I started my journey to leave after the relapse after rehab 3 (2 months, longest), when all specialists were advising he needed a way longer stint of inpatient treatment and he was not prepared to try. The relapse after a medically home managed detox was the final nail. I can’t live like that anymore. It’s hideous and crushing

Oh @Fibblet. Sorry to read this. There is no reason why they do - thy can have everything an still drink

there is nothing you can do

glad you have own home

not sure how long together but he won’t change and you need to split :distance yourself

@Fibblet I have done a f2f meeting and the rest zoom. The f2f was better for me. No ‘delay’ due to the internet. Or audio difficulties. There are WhatsApp ‘support’ groups too but rarely do people put anything on there, then it’s just something like a quote from the steps or “sending strength” which is really not for me. I find this thread ‘active’ and such as support for me. Just reading posts is soo helpful.

Feel like the nuisance in this thread but honestly it's my only place to be truthful about how grim it is. My kids are great and I've told a friend who has said I can go and stay there if I need to .
Today's hrs been in bed all day. I suspect he has Gin hidden up there somewhere but there's some very high cupboards and me falling off a chair while I'm looking for booze doesn't seem like a good idea.
So now my dread is if he's been asleep all day will he now be awake all night quoting the big blue AA book at me?
I didn't unpack my case so ready to check into the travelodge if I need to

The one thing I would say to you is that you should put yourself 100% first now. Don't spare him a thought. If his behaviour concerns you and you want to leave, do it. He can deal with his own issues.

Wow. In every post since my last one I am finding bits and pieces to which I've said "Oh! me too!!!". The 'commonality' of our experiences is gobsmacking.

Going to AA, stopping by the liquor store, being 'quoted at' from the book. ✅
Genetic predisposition denial ✅
Refusing to live together/move back in unless they stop✅
"It's an addiction, can't help myself" ✅
The helplessness of watching them destroy themselves whilst knowing we need to protect ourselves✅

On the refusal to live together thing, have any of you in response to 'get sober and I'll move back" get told "You move back and I'll get sober". I sure have. And then when I refuse being told that it's 'all your fault then, you want me to drink'.

On the genetic predisposition, his grandad was what I call 'alcoholic by deduction'. Nothing was ever said, but DH has said that he always had a bottle nearby. When he was visited DH's parents it was in the trunk of the car and he'd go out and have a nip. He can also remember him nipping from a bottle when driving (this was in the early 60s, still illegal then but 'tolerated'). DH's parents were basically 99% teetotal. I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I ever saw either have a drink (wine or beer, never hard liquor) and alcohol was never offered in their home. And DH never wonders why that might have been.

Also on genetics, I do believe there is a large genetic factor. But so what? I have Coeliac Disease. Carbs have always been my favourite 'food group' and I have had to give up a LOT of my favourite foods. I maintain a strict GF diet because it keeps me healthy and reduces my risk of certain cancers. If I should stop 'resisting temptation' and as a result become ill or end up with cancer, it would be my fault. I would not be a 'victim' nor could I 'not help myself'. I understand that the 'addiction' factor for alcohol is much greater, but it can still be resisted.

Try another one

one I went to was like you said

another much better and more me

you don’t need to have god as your higher power

Interesting you say this, DH's dad was also a drinker, and a smoker, his dad was a smoker and a gambler. Maybe some kind of addictive personality going on there.

Hope the DS's don't have it. They don't seem to so far, DS (21) is virtually teetotal as is his girlfriend.

It's a funny thing, that I am lifetime teetotal. I'm the best chance he's got and it really hurts that he's throwing it away.
I've got through today somehow, taught all my lessons and tried to eat. I feel only half alive so I'm going to bed but I do appreciate all the comments and it makes me feel better that I'm not alone - and at the same time, worse because so many of us are suffering. What a shitty thing this is.

Oh dear we are terribly sorry for ourself and concerned about what I have told our adult children!!!
As if they haven't seen with their own eyes what is happening plus my daughter
Has quite rightly said she won't leave our grandson here to witness the terrible behaviour.
This is something i need to sort out because i promised a day a week childcare before all this horror became apparent and right now im prioritising my husband .
Once this psychiatrist appointment has happened ( which i know probably won't resolve anything) has happened I need to take some action.
Housing will be a huge issue I'm not sure how all of you managed that?
We have a house no mortgage but not much savings so hard to see how to get that fixed

Fiblet sorry I'm on the phone so can't @
When you said you'd just had a lovely holiday I feel the same. We were away for two weeks in Asia and yes there were anxious
Moments but none of this absolute crap that's happening now.
The fake shakes
The huffing puffing
The poor me poor me
And yet he has given us all a wonderful lifestyle and has never been another than kind and supportive to all of us
That's why it's so hard to deal with