Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

@Nogoodusername your post will resonate with most of us. I couldn't get to grips with 'detach with love' either. Even putting my complete inability to be an anger-free robot aside, I didn't understand how 'detaching with love' works in practice when the addict's in the same space -was I meant to calmly tell the children to step over their dad when he was out cold on the hall floor? When he was following me around, screaming abuse, where was I meant to go to get peace?

A weeks detox seems pointless

ex will drink spirits every when has money from his benifits

but then when runs out stops drinking as no choice - and then will have maybe 2w sober /no booze

so what’s the point of a weeks detox via nhs

He has private health care through his work ( how he still has a job is a mystery to me - I think his colleagues are covering for him because before all this came to light he would have been a great manager )
So he has an assessment with a psychiatrist this week and I'm going to push for inpatient detox and rehabilitation
The cover says up to 45 days inpatient is allowed but I'm imagining that's quite difficult to get?
I honestly don't think I can support a medical rehab at home.

@wouldratgerbeunknown My daughter knows everything but she is married, works and has 2 very young children. She is beginning to step away from him which I don’t blame her at all for.

My son does not engage with services anymore. Hence by awful behaviour/frustration.

@Nogoodusername I agree about support for families. The only real support is what the families/friends have created themselves. I cannot afford private therapy. I too was reading and watching everything I could which initially was so helpful, but I then realised that it was consuming my life (which unfortunately it does) so I try not to read so much. More than anything, I need practical advice, examples of coping strategies and just non judgemental support.

I do not know how to detach with love either, I’m assuming it is ‘tough love’ as I cannot detach from someone I love so it doesn’t make sense to me. If I detach I ignore, so it intensifies an already ‘hostile’ environment which makes me feel worse. I don’t have the answer to this one sadly. My life is a shell and I am constantly resentful of those who have a ‘good’ life with their families. I have pulled back from people. Please don’t get me wrong, I do not begrudge anyone anything, I am just so sad for my son, daughter and me.

I have to get a handle on my meltdowns. They make me feel worse. This thread at least has given me the reassurance it is not uncommon.

Thank you for your post. So much of it resonates. I hope you are enjoying life now, although you still have thoughts run through your head, I’m sure they are nowhere near the intensity now.

I am waiting for that acceptance realisation. I know so much yet powerless to do so much until I do accept. Does that make sense?

@CharlotteByrde I too cannot demonstrate detaching with love. Very conflicting statement to be honest. Your examples are spot on. I don’t think it’s very helpful actually, well not for me because I’m already struggling to do the ‘right’ thing and then there’s something that I’m clearly not getting right. To be fair, I’m probably not getting much ‘right’ at all. I’m just getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other.

I have always felt detaching with love applied more to me than to him. To me it meant not feeling guilt or anger at myself for not being able to rescue him, and it meant letting him go to live with the consequences of his choices so that the kids and I didn't have to.

That makes a lot of sense @pointythings, the stage at which you relinquish yourself of feeling responsible for their choices or their recovery and begin to stop enabling.

@pointythings That’s a good way of looking at it. I will try it.

I really do admire your honesty especially about how long it's taken you to get to where you are.
In fact I just want to say thankyou to everyone on here who takes the time to post and give advice to those of us who are in the thick of it.
I hope revisiting all the trauma isn't taking a toll on all of you

All of us who are out on the other side are just paying it forward. And that includes being honest both about the importance of getting out and how bloody hard it is to do.

@wouldratgerbeunknown as @pointythings says, we're paying it forward. I could not have coped without the online support I received when I was in the thick of things. And to be honest, the trauma of it will always be with me (and sadly with my children). I definitely prefer @pointythings way of looking at detachment with love. In Alanon, it seemed very much about getting on with life while your alcoholic does his own thing. "Put simply, detachment does not necessarily mean:

• Creating physical distance
• Ending a relationship
• Emotionally shutting them out
• Ignoring them"

And that didn't work for me at all...

@Penguinsandspaniels It was followed up by out-patient treatment, including pills. It would all be useful, I think, to an alcoholic who was totally determined to give up.

I am so grateful to this thread and the people who take the time to respond, not just to me but posters who really need a response because they are in a pickle and just don’t know where to go next.

I am so thankful I have this to offload/vent whatever to people who truly (but sadly) understand. You’ve no idea how your ‘paying it forward’ makes so much difference.

@CharlotteByrde I have screenshotted the bit in your post about detaching. It is most helpful thank you.

and that’s it in the nutshell

ex doesn’t want to give up sadly

A small breakthrough I think although it led to a meltdown.
He had a few "Good " days so drinking but acting reasonably sane
I am truly in the role of nurse administrator of medication. So I have decanted the poison into small bottle they equal a double and I give him these so one when he is shaking in the morning, then perhaps another around lunchtime then the evening drinking which I'm not involved with begins around5.
The breakthrough is he has accepted he cannot go to work like this and he agreed to send his sick cert in and tell his manager.
I must say her email reply indicated that she wasn't too surprised
So I'm hoping to maintain my enabling role until his psychiatrist appointment on Friday.
It's exhausting and I know ultimately futile but it has given me some respite and I don't intend to carry on after Friday.
I'm so hoping for an admission for detox and then rehab .
If that happens I'll know he's had every opportunity to change and it will give me some head space.
If the psychiatrist agrees to an admission does it usually take ages?

Oh some of these recent posts really do resonate with me. Especially the ones about detaching, with love or without, I find it almost impossible while we are under the same roof. Some of it i know is co-dependence, but some of it is also practical & safety stuff, that keeps me here worrying rather than out living my life & leaving him to stew.
Getting drunk before going to see the grandkids was a new low for him, & i think his son & the grandkids mum are finally starting to get it. I also think that I can maintain those relationships even if we split, which has always worried me, because they're his blood not mine. It's strengthening my resolve to call time on this relationship even if I'm doing it a bit slower than would be ideal.

Work obv know his alcohol issues

tbh it’s obv to many

It takes time

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

I just found this thread and your post of 29/09/2025 12:47 has hit me so hard. You said so perfectly what I'm going through now. I have recently left a 38 yr marriage and am still struggling with my feelings. I'm not struggling with my decision to leave, it was the right one. I'm struggling with the ongoing feelings I have for him. I will love that man until I die. I just can't live with him anymore. And I feel 'outside my own life' right now, as if it's not completely real. At other times it's all too real.

We had a truly wonderful marriage until about 9 months ago. He'd always been 'a drinker' but it never caused problems because he was always very active and that moderated his drinking. I guess you'd say he was 'functional'. Then in March he injured his back and due to the resulting 'inactivity' he went off the rails. In July, I was escorted out by the local police.

He's making promises after promises and I've stopped believing him. He's slowly wrecking our house and there is nothing I can do to stop him. He'd be wrecking 'our' finances but I moved 1/2 of everything into my name only, so at this point he's slowly wrecking his own. I've done what I can to protect myself legally, but it's a slow process.

I'm so sorry you went through what you did. At this point my belief is that my DH will end up dying, either through alcohol caused illness or due to an accident in the home. I'm trying to come to terms with that. I just hope I can before it happens.

@AcrossthePond55 welcome to the saddest and most helpful place on Mumsnet. I hope we can be a safe space for you to express your feelings, and I also hope you can share your very obvious wisdom when you feel up to it. You know you have done the only sensible thing, but it is so hard watching someone self destruct - so many of us have been there, me included.

When my late husband left the family home I thought it likely that the drink would kill him, just not as quickly as it did. In the almost 8 years since, I've learned to remember and acknowledge the good times, and that does help a bit. I hope that you will find some sort of peace too.

@Penguinsandspaniels your nasty judgemental comments on a thread I created asking for factual legal advice about divorcing my alcoholic husband have made me massively reconsider being part of this thread here. This thread is a safe place and you have ruined this for me. Your attitude disgusts me. If you can't support unconditionally in this space then get the hell off mumsnet. You have no idea the damage you will do. @pointythings I'm sorry - but this is not a safe space for me any longer. Best wishes to all of you dealing with the Hell that is addiction. Choose your friends wisely.

I’m sorry you feel that way.

this thread is for all and I apologise if you think my replies were rude

My replies were supportive on your other thread

others were not so nice replying to you but whats wrong with my replies ?

I think it's important to do a little compartmentalising here. This thread is here for support with the alcohol issue only - how to find the strength to get out, how to cope better if you can't get out, how to recover once you are out. Legal matters around how the divorce if any is handled need to sit on threads appropriate to that topic. I think we all have enough baggage without bringing more to these threads.

I would also add to @pointythings comment above that Mumsnet allows multiple user names (I don’t think you can change mid thread). I have a name I use here, and others for other places.