Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

I suppose if they're getting liver pain it's pretty damaged do you think? He's not drinking this evening I noticed. Which is the first time since Christmas

Liver or kidneys maybe ?

Sorry that happened @Orangesandlemons77. She obv is in denial

@Orangesandlemons77 she is so completely in the wrong, it's not even worth getting cross about. At least you know now not to bother looking for her support.

@Orangesandlemons77 right-side abdominal pain could be a number of other things, from gallstones to appendicitis. Probably best that he sees a doctor!

I refuse to provide alcohol when my friend (lives with us) runs out. When he is drinking he is always non-functioning, not working, not able to care for himself and drinking enormous amounts. He has been in ICU, nearly died more than once, and can only get off the alcohol with a medical detox which happens either when he gets so ill he needs to be admitted for other things (like dangerously low electrolytes), or goes into withdrawal from going cold turkey.

He gets deliveries until the money runs out so ends up in hospital then if he has been drinking for that long without nearly dying in a different way. Anyway I do help him get to hospital, contact medics etc but I will not provide alcohol.

However, if we were completely snowed in and hospital admission wasn’t possible I would provide alcohol in his case. It would be risking his life not to do so. As soon as hospital admission was a possibility I would stop.

He’a doing well atm so daring to hope this is all past history.

So tricky - but severe and dangerous withdrawals can kick in quickly.

So hard to know what to do
I am providing my DH with a double gin twice daily to stop the shakes
I'm pretty sure he's sneaking other booze like wine and beer during the day and he just drinks openly from around 5pm but if this stops him going out and drinking a whole bottle of spirits which is when he becomes unbearable it seems worthwhile
BUT this has to be a temporary thing until he sees the psychiatrist this Friday.
We just had a conversation where I said you/ we need to be very clear on Friday about what should happen next he actually said yes I know you're not report support me!!!!
Honestly zero insight at all
I'm
Still not sure what I'll do if there's no clear plan after this appointment think I'm fooling myself that this will force a change

See how Friday goes an go from there @wouldratgerbeunknown

Bad to worse
He started drinking again plus plus and i couldn't take it so I left and am staying for one night with my daughter.
Dreading going back as now accused of abandoning him .
But I need to be there on Friday for the psychiatrist.
I might book a hotel for tomorrow night

I'm so sorry. I think staying away is wise. And please try not to pin your hopes on this psychiatrist visit. I understand that you don't want to make any decisions until that milestone has happened, but I thought the same way about my late husband's stint in rehab - and he managed 2 weeks of sobriety after he came out.

Oh @wouldratgerbeunknown 💐 - don’t put yourself through it. Don’t back overnight

see how Friday goes but sounds likes he going to please you and doesn’t actually want to stop drinking and won’t

if he is drinking now what is going to change in 48hrs and Fri

@wouldratgerbeunknown my heart goes out to you. I think staying out is giving you a very small amount of respite, though the worry never leaves you even when you have a ‘break’. As they say ‘you need to look after yourself’ it’s just incredibly difficult isn’t it.

@wouldratgerbeunknown stay away. He'd drunk, he's abusive, he's lying to you and to himself. Give yourself some peace.

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Oh, I get the 'you abandoned me' all the time. AND the 'broken vow' of 'for better or for worse". I just say (or think if I don't want to get into it with him) "No, I didn't abandon you. You 'abandoned' me for a bottle" and "God didn't mean to stick around and be abused, because that's not what 'for better or worse' means".

I also get the hope springing eternal. And having certain things that need to happen/not happen for us to take another step. And it's hard not to pin your hopes on them. Just always remember that when your hope gets dashed, you still need to take that next step. In fact, try to take two.

My DH has made so many promises. If you stacked them end to end they'd reach to the moon and half way back. And he means every single one of them when he makes them. He just isn't capable of keeping them.

PS If you are out, best to stay out.

Every time you leave and come back that just reinforces to him that you were 'wrong' to leave.

Thankyou all so much as always!
Yes it's been really nice to be away ( from my lovely home)
I will go back tomorrow although I have no idea to what.
I can't stay here they have a young family and need their own space but one evening: night away has been good.
Worse thing is my husband has done so much for them over the years that they are also wrecked and conflicted by this.
I have a feeling my son in law knows more about this whole situation from
Personal experience.
Thankyou all again sorry I'm not being very supportive to any of you .

On reflection, it did take a certain number of things happening/ not happening for me to accept the need to put myself first and separate from Ex. Rehab 1, rehab 2, rehab 3, inpatient detox, outpatient detox, new anxiety medication (many of these), new ADHD meds, new support workers, new psychiatrist, new counsellor, new support groups, off work, back to work, seeing his children, not seeing his children etc etc. I always hoped there would be one thing that would be the missing piece for this attempt at sobriety.

Maybe I needed all those things to happen before I was ready to accept that he wasn’t recovering with me, so he might as well recover without me. There was no need to set myself on fire anymore because it wasn’t keeping him warm anyway.

Is your husband seeing a psychiatrist for assessment as part of a rehab admission as required by his health insurance @wouldratgerbeunknown?

He has a zoom appointment with a psychiatrist who is reportedly an addiction specialist????!!!
I assume that he would decide if inpatient detox followed by rehab would be suitable but I guess as it's Bupa the cost will play a large role. I really don't know as this is all new to me.
Your husband had so much input but none helped? That is so scary.
Mine went to an AA meeting yesterday but must have gone straight from there to buy gin . All the while carry his newly purchased big book of AA! The irony!
It's almost funny if it wasn't so grim.
Quoting from that book at me today whilst he was drunk was the trigger that made me leave.
I'll just have to see how it goestomorrow Friday

AA rules are anyone welcome as long as they desire to stop drinking

they can turn up drunk /smelling of booze and be welcomed in

i said to my friend I never understood that

they could be plastered and deny drinking and all say welcome

no one calls them out on it
or says you have had a drink
you smell of it. Your behaviour etc

to me it’s like sweeping under the carpet

yes they are likely to deny it and then what ?

so no one questions them

Two months sober, and suddenly he’s off on another bender. A half bottle of vodka, in one go. Now it will become a litre per day and no food, for a week. No reason to do this. He’s a millionaire, he has just bought a house, he has me, we have just booked a cruise of Norway, everything should be lovely. I’ve been on eggshells waiting for the next one but still here I am awake at 4am with a racing heart, feeling sick, wondering what to do. I’m so glad I refused to live together and I have my own house, because this time last year I was living in a hotel to escape him. Yes I should ditch him, I know. I also know that I would still worry the same amount and possibly worse. It’s just such a terrible waste of a good person, but I’m learning he doesn’t care about anyone, not even himself. I’m waiting for 12 weeks of counselling locally to help set boundaries and take care of myself but really there is nothing anyone can do.

@Fibblet it’s a false sense of security (2 months sober) you start to ‘relax’ a little then..

I don’t think there is any thought as to what they have/may lose. Their mindset is not the same as someone who has no addiction. I try desperately to understand my 28yo DS who has everything to live for, yet is destroying himself and everyone else.

We are powerless. As a single Mum I really struggle with this as I’ve always been in ‘control’ (not to be confused with controlling). But, like you, I’m powerless to what my DS has chosen to do. I am a shell. I am so terribly lonely/alone.

Such awful stories. That something portrayed as so fun is actually a destructive poison is shocking.
I'm glad you have your own home at least that means you have somewhere safe for respite.
So terrible about your son. At that age he should be living life to the full.
I really relate to the only.
I'm heading back soon hoping he'll be as sober as it's possible at this time of the morning not even sure if he'll open the door for me.

@wouldratgerbeunknown Addiction is devastating (an understatement really) and I will never understand it, try as I might. I hope this morning goes as well as it can for you.

I thank god for this thread (I’m not religious) as it has given me the opportunity to express my thoughts/feelings without judgement.

It is cathartic to ‘write’ it all down. The weight seems a little lighter.

Thank you all.

Yes @wouldratgerbeunknown, I was thinking as I wrote it down that it was a LOT for three years. It’s a very complicated mix in some ways of doing some of it to try and appease people that he was trying to combat his addiction (look how much help I am getting, look how hard I am trying, therefore you shouldn’t put in place boundaries and make things worse for me), some of it genuine attempts that he really did want to work, and some of it finding a reason that he relapses so easily (I can’t maintain sobriety until meds are ‘right’).

The reality is that maintaining sobriety, especially with the severity of Ex’s addiction (30 units, drink first thing as was already in withdrawal first thing) is bloody hard work. It’s daily effort of resisting cravings, finding new ways to cope with the stresses and strains of daily life without the ‘easier’ fix of self medicating and that becomes increasingly difficult when addiction has ruined most of your life like it did Ex (ruined his business, his family relationships, restricted and supervised access with his children down to none at all etc). Ex wanted to be free of addiction, but it was too hard work I think, and many times he just wanted to be ‘allowed’ to continue to drink without losing anything (it’s not my fault I am an addict, you shouldn’t have boundaries and my children’s mother should let me see my children regardless kind of thing).