Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 3

[pointythings]

Link to previous thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcoholsupport/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?page=40&reply=147449407

Continuing our series of threads for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. This is a safe space to vent, look for advice and support and maybe find some strength.

And we are now stuck with 1000 posts of a thread with a spelling error in the title - I'll chase up HQ to see if they can help.

Hello I can't DM because I'm
On the phone app but I would really like to speak to you privately if that's possible and if you'd agree?
Our situation sounds very similar

You can go via desktop to pm. That how I do. Sent you one @pointythings

it’s annoying can’t do on app.

I've sent you a DM if you can get to a place where you can use DM.

@pointythings

When my late husband left the family home I thought it likely that the drink would kill him, just not as quickly as it did

Our two sons think and have accepted that DH will be dead within 6 months, most likely due to a fall at home. So far he's had numerous bruises, 3 broken ribs, and a subdural hematoma, all due to falls. He's been to the ER (A&E) probably 30 times in the last 50 days for falls, chest pains, and anxiety due to either withdrawals or over-intoxication Each time he's discharged himself AMA.

At this point my 'head' won't allow me to think about timeframes. If I try to face up to that I find myself thinking "I really need to scrub out the veg bin in the fridge" or something similar. I can think about an 'eventuality', but putting a timeframe to it is too much reality.

I was sent the screenshot I've attached by a dear friend. I think that's what I'm having to do. Detach in little bits. But I'm finding I have to detach with 'numbness' rather than love or anger. Love 'binds' me. Hate destroys me. Numbness allows me to let go.

As far as name changes, you know, I'd actually thought about creating a different user name for this thread. Then I realized that no, I needed to use my 'real' username because that means I'm facing up to the reality. And that I need feel no shame at him being an alcoholic. It's not my 'failure', it's his.

I'm not criticizing anyone who chooses to use a different name, we each need to deal with this in our own way.

@AcrossthePond55 There's little point in trying to establish a time frame as nobody can know how long he can keep going, even with frequent falls and accidents. My DH was at death's door at one point, and lived another two years. We too had a good marriage and it's impossible to turn love off like a tap, although by the time he died, love felt a distant memory When my DH died I grieved for the loss of what we had once and for my fatherless kids, but there was also relief, that he was at peace at last, and because the terrible stress was finally over. Plus anger and disbelief -it was a lot to deal with!

@AcrossthePond55 , thank you for your comments about my post.
I kept everything to myself while I was with my husband. At the time I was so ashamed and embarrassed, so I enabled and protected him. A few people know what was going on, but I realise now I was holding back from my closest friends. I am in awe of those of you who embrace the 4th C (don’t cover up). Now when I look back I find it hard to believe what I was holding in, and how I kept functioning in some way.
People have told me how well I am doing now…..I am amazed I kept going over the last 5 years of our relationship. I was always on edge, I am an introvert but I got no time to myself as my husband was there all the time. It has taken me almost 2 years to feel calm in my own company again. It is such a relief.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8

I was in the 'Cover Up Club' for a bit. But his personality change happened so quickly and so dramatically that our sons saw it clearly when I was still 'hiding' behind denial. And so I couldn't hide it from them. Once they confronted me (with love) with their knowledge of 'the reality' I realized couldn't hide behind the facade any longer. So I don't think of myself as 'brave' or anything like it. I think of myself as someone standing on the high dive wanting desperately yet refusing to jump until two 'someones' who loved me gave me a shove. Once I landed in the water below and realized I could swim, I was able to seek out other loved ones and speak my truth. The universal support and encouragement I've gotten from them has been incredible. And freeing.

But TBH if my sons hadn't spoken up I don't know if I would have had the courage to call the sheriff to escort me out of the house. When you have a reputation for being the 'perfect couple' and the 'best marriage' it's really hard admit to yourself and others that it's all become a sham. I stand by the beauty of our first 37 years, but the last 10 months has been hell. Well, I'll upgrade the last few months to 'hell, but with increasing periods of 'new normalcy'.

@AcrossthePond55 that’s a lot of a&e visits 😢

I think the same with dh. That his body can’t keep Taking the abuse and he will die via a heart attack or stroke or bleeding /stomach ulcer etc due to drinking

They are very profound words

I have a question. What do people think about providing alcohol to the alcoholic when they are housebound? My dm can’t get the shop due to the extreme weather here. Is it ok to just allow cold turkey? Or should I go round and bring some for her?

Personally I couldn’t /wouldnt buy and would say cold turkey - tho guess how much she drinks. If 200 units a week could not drinking bring on a fit ?

if she needs it that badly she can get it delivered

I really don't know thee answer to that
My dad was an Alcoholic I realise now and he ended up in a side ward on his own in a busy general hospital. None of us thought of bringing him a drink it seems unbelievably cruel now as all the damage was done and he died a lonely miserable death a drink might have given him some comfort.
So I still don't know the answer to your dilemma
Sorry no use at all

We cannot get deliveries here just now

Thank you for sharing that screenshot @AcrossthePond55. It’s really powerful and made me quite teary as it reflects the journey I have been on the past 9 months.

My Ex was ‘functional’ until about three years ago. Until he wasn’t. A variety of reasons, but the spiral really started about 18 months ago when he relapsed after his first attempt at inpatient rehab. A year of utter hell followed that, before relapse four (or five) saw me reach my rock bottom: the death of hope, self preservation kicking in and I began to detach. I did crack many times and swoop back in to try and save, usually on a health crisis or to support a detox attempt or something similar, but we’ve now been completely no contact for three months, separated for six months.

I do think that Ex’s rock bottom will be death. He has lost so much, and none of that has been his rock bottom. He is also a frequent A&E attendee - in crisis, suicidal, chest pains, and some significant physical health issues as a result of alcohol. He absconds regularly.

I still think about him a lot and feel a range of emotions - sadness at the loss of who he was, who we were, anger, resentment, guilt, fear. But I have gradually numbed, gradually accepted the reality that I cannot save him and he most likely will never save himself, and with this has come a huge amount of peace and relief. I am so glad to be off the hamster wheel of a life with an addict.

So many so that the local sheriff (911 calls go through them) asked me if there was 'someone else' he could call because a lot of his calls aren't really medical emergencies, they're just drunken ramblings about 'not doing well'. I told her that our two sons are NC with him and that there really is no one else for him to call because we've all talked til we're blue in the face. LEO has said that it's 'not appropriate' for them to tell him to call me.

The total number of 911 calls is well above the 30 I mentioned above. He's also had the crisis team and APS at the door. He refuses to let them in and says he has no idea what they're talking about. They seem to think he's just 'lonely' when he makes those calls. The ones that result in ER are falls, heart palpitations, chest pains etc.

He just got his first DUI. I don't think he even remembers that.

I won't make a statement as to what I think about it because it depends on how much and how often she drinks. There can be disastrous consequences either way. I would neither encourage nor discourage it. If your DM has a doctor who is aware of her drinking, I'd call them and ask for advice.

There are websites that talk about 'home detox' using small amounts of alcohol because alcohol withdrawals are real and can be fatal. You might want to search some of them out as they have information on withdrawals and how to avoid them.

Cold turkey can be very dangerous depending on how much the alcoholic is drinking, but it feels like a big step from there to doing deliveries. I was never in that situation though. My mother got bulk deliveries, 24 litres of vodka at a time (which she claimed was for my teetotal sister when she came to visit). My late husband lived within 5 minutes walk of our local supermarket and was in there daily buying booze.

I am glad your sons gave you the push to disclose, @AcrossthePond55 . You were in a dangerous position. It just seems wrong that you were yhe one made to leave. When the police came to mine, they took my husband and made it clear I didn't have to let him come back, and that they would facilitate keeping him away in the form of an occupation order.

Maybe things are different in USA and UK ?

I suspect they are, and even on a state by state basis. It's just awful to be made to leave your home when you haven't done anything wrong.

@pointythings @Penguinsandspaniels

I was glad to leave. TBH I've always hated that house. It's an old farmhouse (150 yrs + 'fixer') with no central heat, no AC. I didn't want to buy it in the first place but DH insisted he'd do the work. He didn't plus we'd badly underestimated the costs involved. And now TBH, despite the wonderful memories, it's 'tainted'. Plus it's on acreage, which at my age I cannot maintain. DH and I had seriously been planning to sell it within the next 3 years anyway to downsize as it was getting to be too much for him. This will just accelerate the sale. Although he's ruining the interior and the acreage is going to weeds so what we'll get for it who knows. And I. Don't. Care. I'm not going to be foolish enough to sign it over to him (unless my attorney says it's a good idea) but I certainly don't want the house.

In normal circumstances, it can go either way with the police. If one party is being aggressive or violent they'll be carted off. But if, as in my case, by the time they got to the house he was playing the role of 'I don't know what her problem is, of course she can leave if she wants to!' <wide eyes, puzzled expression>. In cases such as this the police usually pick the person they think most likely to leave without a fuss. That was me.

Edit; when I say 'picked' I don't mean they ordered me to go. After discussion they agreed with me that it was best that I leave. If they'd told him to there would have been nothing to stop him returning as he hadn't been violent or committed a crime.

DH has been drinking daily since Christmas and is complaining about some right sided abdominal pain. I'm wondering if it could be liver or bowel as he also has Crohn's. I know not a good combination.

Have looked online and they're offering free liver scans in our town during January so have mentioned this to him and sent him a link to the days and times etc. He got quite defensive when it was mentioned though.

He's been complaining about this pain for a while now. He does have regular blood tests with liver function due to Crohn's and meds but they seem ok however I have read this can be the case even with liver damage.

@Orangesandlemons77 the liver is an amazing organ. It can return 'healthy' LFTs almost forever - until it decides to crap out completely. A scan is more reliable.

But you can't force your DH to attend.

@pointythings

You're right about the liver being pretty miraculous. My DB (alcoholic in recovery 10 yrs now) drank straight vodka and plenty of it daily for probably 30 years. His doctor says he has the liver of a 30 year old (at age 74).

DB is such a success story. He tried so many times to get sober and finally succeeded 1o years ago. He's one of the reasons that when someone says "Oh, I'm hopeless. I simply can't stop" I say "Bullshit". But DB knew he was an alcoholic and hated it for decades. DH (and so many others) are either in denial or they're using the word 'addiction' as a reason they can't quit. I do believe it is an addiction. But I also believe addictions can be conquered.

They absolutely can. My Dsis' partner is 15 years sober. He really put in the work and made the hard choices. But to be able to do that you have to acknowledge that you're responsible for the choices you make.

Yes it can happen. My friends dh is 4yrs sober What dh should be

but wanted to be sober. He knew he had to stop it would lose his son and gf

where in dh case. He didn’t care losing us

I'm still angry with my mother in law trying to blame me for DH drinking over Christmas.

She said things like I needed to look inside myself and he never used to drink as if it was due to me.

It's an addiction and I didn't cause it. I'm remembering those sayings from alcoholic anonymous that you can't cure it. You didn't cause it etc.

So unsupportive I thought. But then I guess a mother would take the side of their child.