Tulips, Snowdrops and Brownies! Thread 4 for those wanting a coffee not a cocktail🌷🧁☕️

[AFmammaG]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5147598-day-1-or-100-tulips-and-snowdrops-say-browniesnotbeer

Boldly starting Thread 4, link above to Thread 3. Hoping some of the oldies will join and always open to newbies. This thread is for anyone looking to chat and support those trying to lead an alcohol free life ❤️

I’m really sad today. I thought about starting a thread but can’t deal with the trolls.

I had a weekend away with my friends. Didn’t drink, so that’s all good but do you know what? I just had this awful moment when I got home today. Practically the minute I walked through the door the kids start arguing. My peace evaporated.

My kids behaviour is just so bad. Almost all the time. I'm tired of telling them off and I feel like I’ve tried everything and nothing is effective. I think the truth is, I’ve given up trying. I just can’t deal with the negativity. The noise. The demands.

I’ve gone from a wonderful weekend to feeling shit. Absolutely awful 😢

I’m sorry, that sounds really shit. I’m not a parent so shouldn’t offer actual parenting advice but there’s nothing wrong with checking out occasionally or realising you can’t control all of their interaction (from another perspective, carving out time for yourself). I also think there is nothing wrong with occasionally letting them have it with both barrels and shocking them into understanding you have feelings too and their behaviour impacts them.

I hope you woke up feeling a bit better today.

Thank you for replying @TimesaChangeling ❤️ the dry Jan thread has, well, dried up 😆 I think there are maybe 2 people left still posting occasionally but the chat has gone and my closest friends IRL don’t have children and that’s not by choice, so it just doesn’t feel right to moan about mine to them.

I do feel a bit better after my sleep. They are being ok this morning which helps. DH spoke to them last night as he could tell I was upset. The thing is, I was raised in a household with loads of fighting. Parents and siblings. Plus my parents were physically abusive (in my opinion) and I can’t stand the shouting or any physical alteration. My first relationship was just as volatile and as I’ve got older I crave peace. I crave quiet. I crave stability. And that’s been part of my journey here. To conquer my own negative behaviours so I can focus my energy on recovery (for want of a better word). The fighting just sends my mind back in time. I’ve spoken to the kids in an age appropriate way about this but they are kids, you know?! They don’t get it and in a way, what a blessing for them!

All that said, I cancelled the plans we had for today. I think we can all do with a mental health day (well me at least). So I don’t have to focus on travel or entertainment or cost or food or behaviour. We are just having a chill day at home and I’m hoping that’s enough to reset things 🤞

I think the middle part of your post is really important. I’m quite conflict avoidant too, and I really dislike it when other people bicker, and if I try to calm it down (which would be a behaviour which for some people is borne out of a childhood notion of responsibility for it) those people look at me like I’ve got two heads and tell me it’s fine and this is normal. It’s happened more than once with different couples so I don’t disbelieve them.

anyway, that’s probably not v helpful but I hope today is what you need.

Yes 100 days yesterday, thank you for remembering @AFmammaG
It feels good, just another day but an achievement to get to here, lots of ups and downs. I’m going to stop using the try dry app and focus less on the number. It was also my birthday yesterday, I’m also trying to focus less on that number too 😂

I am sorry to hear about what’s happening at home @AFmammaG
I totally empathise with feeling like you’re giving so much and that when you do take some time out for yourself the benefits are undone in seconds.

I know you feel like you can’t give advice because you don’t have children @TimesaChangeling but I think what you said is spot on; on occasion I have given my kids both barrels and a real telling off/shouted when their behaviour warrants it. It’s never nice to raise your voice but sometimes that’s the only thing that works. I know that shouting is triggering for you bur

It’s good to have time at home to reset, we need that time to just potter and enjoy our homes. I so wish I’d done more of that when my kids were smaller but I always felt this pressure to be “doing”.

Remember you’re doing a great job 🩷 you’ve stopped drinking and setting a positive example for your children. Also, bickering is normal - horrible to have to sort out but it’s how siblings are sometimes; my 2 can be awful to one another! I just tend to walk away and fold the laundry or some other mundane task until it passes.

I started to write this post yesterday then got distracted! Hope you’re feeling better now @AFmammaG 🩷

@Cantdoitalll Congratulations on the 100 days! That's my next big target (Day 27 today) and I'm finding the TryDry app really helpful but realise I won't be using that forever. I'm hoping that by the time I get to Day 100 I won't be needing so many props to keep me on track. Keep up the good work!

Thank you and congratulations on 100 days @Cantdoitalll 🏆 belated Birthday wishes too! I don’t feel tempted these days, it’s like the new habits are stronger (finally). Even when I have a tough day my mind doesn’t go straight to wine. It really is wonderful.

@LillyPJ you’ll be getting a month under your belt soon, well done! I still track my days as I like seeing all the yellow for the first time ever! That novelty hasn’t worn off.

We’ve had a chilled morning and then heading out for a swim later. I have packed sandwiches as can’t believe the cost of lunch out just now! Hopefully it’ll stay dry and we can eat it in the park after. Focusing on back to school next week and researching affordable holiday clubs for the summer holidays 😆

Well done on your 100 days @Cantdoitalll!!

Hi everyone! I just passed 150 days. Thoughts of moderation keep creeping into my mind, I could do with a motivation boost. I miss a cold glass of white wine on a warm evening. Fantasising a lot about alcohol at the moment.

All that being said, I just had the most productive few weeks. Ticking off job after job. My house is tidy, even for half term. I’m ready for back to school. The kids are fairly happy (as happy as they ever are). There’s no actual reason to drink IYKWIM. Hopefully these thoughts will pass once Saturday night is done. I feel a treadmill session coming on 😆

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

@AFmammaG Oh dear! I'm having exactly those thoughts and I'm only on Day 30. I was telling myself that once I get to Day 100, I probably wouldn't have those thoughts at all! Still - I gave up smoking over 20 years ago and very occasionally, I see someone smoking and have slight nostalgia. But I know that I'll never pick up that habit again, so maybe it's ok to have the thoughts but just let them pass by?

I actually feel the same about smoking @LillyPJ, I still love the smell and if I’m walking behind someone who is smoking I inhale really deeply 🫣 that said, I know with certainty I’ll never buy more cigarettes or smoke again so maybe I’ll feel the same about alcohol one day.

I don’t think about wine every day and the cravings have weakened over time but yes, tonight I’d really love a cold glass of white wine. I won’t, but the urge is there.

I do remind myself that one glass would probably be nice. But I won’t stop at one. When I picture my glass of wine it’s not a small. Or a medium. It’s large. Nothing else will do. My thought process hasn’t changed at all. That’s how I know I won’t have one tonight.

I just wanted to update this morning to say waking up on a Sunday morning without a hangover is just so wonderful. Being able to eat my breakfast without feeling sick. No headache. No anxiety or laying awake for hours. It’s totally worth missing that glass of wine every now and then for.

First day of June and I’m nearly half way through this year. For anyone out there struggling to get past the first few weeks, it is hard, it is new, it is scary but do you know what? It is possible. It is worth it. It is peace.

Well done @AFmammaG for resisting the evil Witch! It gets easier every day. You will get to how you feel about smoking.

Oh I’m the same… I have been thinking about wine and beer over the last week. I used to love to match my drink to food, red to steak, beer with burger, white with sea food. I really miss that part of dining. But these are usually more wistful thoughts about the nice aspects of alcohol and I know I can’t have that as it’s a slippy slope back to bad habits.
Sometimes I find myself at a loose end on weekend nights but - and I am so ridiculously happy about this - I am feeling more creative. I used to love to paint and draw and this is coming back to me because of how good I’m feeling. I’m quite crap but it’s escapism. I am also reading more, usually a few pages before I am comatose but I do love getting lost in a book.

I love waking up before the alarm and savouring my hangover free mornings with a lovely cup of coffee ☕️

Just popping on to say what a lovely thread - I’m very early on sober wise, (don’t even want to write how many days next to you old timers 😄) but I’ve had a tough day today, feeling flat and wavering but I spent the evening reading this thread and you’re all so real and honest that it’s been very motivational and has really helped to cement why I’m doing this. You’re all doing so well!

Hi @Openthisdoor! Thank you for posting! I like to come on and update, even when it’s quiet here because I hope people scrolling for advice will see it can be done! Honestly, it’s been many years I have been trying to kick alcohol to the kerb. Years of day 1’s. Years of ups and downs.

I joined a group of people giving up in real life and that support is what has made the difference for me. Finally I can say I haven’t had a drink this year. Finally I’ve broken the day 1 cycle. Finally I’m making good decisions. I don’t know if you read my theory about the baseline and how it’s a steady 5 when dry. Well as the months pass that is coming up for me. I don’t wake up feeling 5/10 anymore. I’m probably closer to a 7 most of the time. It’s just taken some time.

I’ve realised one of the reasons I kept failing before was because I wanted instant, big results. And that just doesn’t happen. It’s small changes. Little differences that build after time and before you know it everything is better ❤️

I'm on Day 36 now. Have been feeling calm, mainly happy, positive etc. Until today. Suddenly I feel down and it all seems a bit dull and pointless. Could be the miserable weather we're having or the fact that my house is in chaos at the moment. (I'm looking after a friend's hairy dog so there's hair and dog paraphernalia all over the place.) Normally I'd go into town, look around the shops and maybe a museum or art gallery, probably go for a drink while I was there, come home and have wine and watch a film. Today I'm cleaning the kitchen floor instead. I think I'll have to plan something nice for tomorrow to make up for it.

I'm just so full of admiration and joy for you @AFmammaG I really am. You're blooming amazing xxx

165 days under my belt. I’ve not had an easy week and the thought of drinking has been there most evenings. Yesterday I’ll admit I ate 3 chocolate bars in a row 😭 that act of self harm hasn’t gone away, I just don’t use alcohol anymore to do it.

Feeling rotten this morning. Not just because of the chocolate (!) The thing is, when I was in the drink (high) then hangover (low) then abstinence cycle, it was actually a huge distraction to everyday life. It was my focus for so long. The goal of not drinking just felt like the ultimate prize.

I know rationally it doesn’t make everything else in life wonderful by default but I kind of hoped the positive impact of sobriety would radiate into all aspects of my life and I would not suffer these lows anymore. I guess nothing changes if nothing changes and if I want other areas of my life to improve I need to do the work there too… but… I’m so tired. Not physically (somewhat ironically), I’m actually getting the best sleep of my life without exception. No, psychologically tired. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. Tired of forcing change. Tired of slow progress.

Tired.

@AFmammaG 165 days is amazing! Well done! I can empathize about the tiredness. At first, it's exciting to see the dry days mount up but that excitement wears off and all the other aggravations of life are still there. I used to look forward to 6pm when I could 'switch off' for the day. I still sit down with a drink (AF, of course) but it's no longer the end of the day for me. I've still got time and brain power to tackle stuff or fret about stuff. It's exhausting. Yesterday was especially bad because I seemed to get interrupted every 5 minutes by people phoning or wanting my attention. I felt like shouting 'stop bothering me!' or crying. I think I need some other sort of escape now - something creative or to get away for a few days.

Thanks so much for replying @LillyPJ I totally agree about the escape part. I used to so look forward to the weekend so I could drink. Now it’s almost the same as any other day… I don’t know. I look at my post from a couple of weeks ago and wonder if this is just the new cycle now. Before it was the drink-hangover-regret-change-drink cycle and now it’s kind of being on this roundabout of feeling fantastic and proud and then a bit bored and a bit sad.

Overall life is better and I have zero regrets about not drinking this year. Maybe I also need a new goal to start focussing on now the alcohol seems mostly under control.

A weekend away sounds fabulous.. a weekend alone even better

The monotony is probably the hardest bit I think. A steady monorail as opposed to a rollercoaster. And I totally get the cycles of feeling good and just feeling a bit meh. And also shifting onto a new addiction (sugar) and not seeing the hoped for results of suddenly being slim and gorgeous! 😂 but it is still worth it! It is! Day 650 here.

Wanted to jump back on to say well done to @AFmammaG for 165 days which is amazing! I can totally relate to the monotony and tiredness. But , as you say, better without the hangovers! Xx